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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to tell my 'MIL' the sex of our baby

214 replies

SamSamA · 30/04/2020 02:07

Bit of background:
Ive been with my partner 3 years now, currently live with him (and my 6 year old from a previous relationship) and his parents for the past year.

Baby was planned and my partners mother has been excited about it since before i was pregnant. Not her first grandchild by the way. She already got stuff for the baby within a week of finding out even though I've asked her not to. She ignored me and continued to buy things. I told her again thank you but I don't want to her to get anymore things for the baby as my partner and I want to do it ourselves. But said if there's anything we really need after that we will let her know and she's more than welcome to buy what we ask for, rather than stuff we don't want or need. She said ok and I thought it was done with.
Fast forward to a week ago and she asked about my 20 week scan which is next week and said she can't wait to know what we're having as she's bought loads of girl clothes and can't wait to show me. And also has 'plans' depending on the baby's sex. Then proceeded to show my partner the bags stuff she's gotten which he said is several black bags worth. She wouldn't let him look inside thought. I refused to go see as I was annoyed.
I told my partner that day I don't want to tell anyone what we're having but didn't tell him it's solely because of his mother as I know as soon as she knows the sex she's going to get more stuff. Just said I wanted it to be a surprise and he said that's fine but when he told his mother a few days later she wasn't happy.
I know I sound ungrateful but with my first child my abusive ex boyfriend took over like I was literally just there to push out the baby and that's it. Determined to have some sort of control this time round.
Anyway 'MIL' is complaining that I'm being unreasonable as I'm ruining her plans. The thing is i don't actually mind and I do want to tell people, in fact I really wanna tell my sister and my mum, but just not her.
So AIBU if i tell my partner and his family that we're not telling anyone but then tell my family what we're having knowing they will keep it a secret?

OP posts:
Candyfloss99 · 30/04/2020 11:17

Why would you decide to live with your MIL and have a baby if you don't want her to have any control over it? She's going to be living with a baby she isn't allowed to have anything to do with? This makes no sense. You need to move out. Why on earth did you plan a baby when you don't have a home of your own?

MashedSpud · 30/04/2020 11:21

Move out before the baby is born.

Original poster
SamSamA · 30/04/2020 11:26

@Candyfloss99
If you look back a few posts you'll see why I moved in. And you'll also see we'll be moving out before baby is born.

OP posts:
Candyfloss99 · 30/04/2020 11:27

@SamSamA thank goodness you are moving out before baby is born. I think you'll just have to accept her generosity until then and when you move out only take with you what you actually want.

Ragwort · 30/04/2020 11:32

Why didn’t your BF move in with you if you couldn’t afford the bills?

Were you already living together or is living together (in your BF’s family home) a new thing?

I am sorry that you have MS but to be dealing with serious health issues, be unable to work, move yourself and your child into your ‘MIL’s’ house and conceive a planned baby within such a short time does not seem to have been properly thought through Confused.

EmeraldShamrock · 30/04/2020 12:10

Does MIL treat DS well? She sounds very kind welcoming you in.
She is probably really concerned with your finances and illness by taking the stress away. Having such a serious illness and a newborn will be challenging, don't burn your bridges.
Explain how upsetting her buying stuff is for you. Does she buy food pay for utilities and treat your DS at times.
She may stop paying for your financial situation full stop. Move out even if you need to choose a place by video link, beggars can't be choosy.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 30/04/2020 12:20

Just find out the sex between the two of you and tell no one at all.

You're a human being, not an incubator.

Original poster
SamSamA · 30/04/2020 12:20

@Ragwort i said that if I didn't have a child now I'd have to wait three years before I can even start to think about having one. I don't want such a big gap between my children. Yes it's a bit all rushed but unfortunately this is the way my life has gone. As I said financially I'm fine now and with my partners promotion we're actually doing better than before.
My partner and I lived together before so we all moved together to his parents because it was the only choice we had.
Im not happy being dependant on others at this point in my life but it is what it is. I'm proud that in the short amount of time since my heath stuff happened, we were able to push through fairly quickly without any major problems.

This was all about me being ignored about asking my MIL to not buy the world of stuff that we're not gonna use therefore not telling her the sex, not about my living situation. I only added that in so people would understand that at the moment she's always around.

Also about four posts in I realised I couldn't keep it from her.

OP posts:
enjoyingSun · 30/04/2020 12:23

I would go down the route of not finding out the sex.

I'd suggest this and trying to re-direct her to things you may well need - things past first few months or bigger items.

I do get it my MIL went so over the top it felt I couldn't buy clothes for pfb. Also some fabrics couldn't be worn due to excema, some were just impractical OTT frilly things and everything was pink which upset DH - and nothing we said made any difference - so donated stuff couldn't be worn - might take one photo with OTT stuff before donating or putting away - and pink stuff was dyed.

I did find it bit upsetting at the time but it did settle down and over years it's been nice for the kids to have a range of clothes.

WildfirePonie · 30/04/2020 12:47

You need your own place OP, then you can have full control!

pinkyredrose · 30/04/2020 12:58

You lived with your partner, couldn't work because of MS so you all moved in with his mum?

Chickychickydodah · 30/04/2020 13:05

If your scan is next week just tell her they could t see the sex of the baby as it was in the wrong position , when I had my scan my daughter was was sat upright with her back to my spine and her legs crossed 🤦‍♀️

SimpleKindofLife · 30/04/2020 13:05

I don't want such a big gap between my children.

*Im not happy being dependant on others at this point in my life but it is what it is.

This was all about me being ignored about asking my MIL to not buy the world* of stuff...

OP, from just from you've posted here, it seems to be a lot about you and what you want. I think maybe you need to see other points of views sometimes, maybe from your mil and DP.

I think that's it's very kind of your mil to let you, your DP and your child live with her as well as actively plan another child under her roof, regardless of the circumstances.

Your mil might need to reign it in but she's just excited. Just tell her it's lovely but you're not sure what you need yet and you might not get round to using it all. It's her money, you can't tell her what to buy up, but you can decide not to use it if you don't want to.

ElevenSmiles · 30/04/2020 13:07

You made it sound like your partner didn't live with you before you moved in with MIL ?

Easilyanxious · 30/04/2020 13:27

My mil brought us loads of bits when our first was born some was useless others stuff useful so I just said thanks and used what we wanted gave away what we didn't ( without her knowing)
Over years we eventually dropped hints what they wanted as she used to go for quantity rather than quality at Xmas she would buy so many clothes ,some years away from fitting . I often gave them away too
After a few years she did start asking as amount of grandchildren grew which was better as we often used to ask relatives to contribute towards larger items( play equipment for garden etc )
Maybe try and have another discussion but clothes etc I just used to accept and use the stuff I liked or dress baby in outfit she brought when she was seeing him ( although I don't think she even remembered what she brought it didn't )

Bluesheep8 · 30/04/2020 13:33

Why would you have had to wait 3 years if you hadn't conceived when you did?

FizzyGreenWater · 30/04/2020 13:36

One thing I would be doing, after only being with this guy three years, is giving this baby MY SURNAME.

I hope you're doing that.

If you get on with your MIL, sit her down and have a chat where you make it VERY clear that you do not want to fall out with her but you do not want to start feeling that she is trying to muscle in on your baby. There will be no 'plans' - YOU and your partner are the only people who will make any plans for your own baby. You want to choose your own clothes and toys, fine for her to buy gifts as granny but NOT fine for her to stock an entire nursery as substitute mummy. Nicely - she needs to back off, because if she doesn't it's going to be counter-productive because you'll end up being less close.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 30/04/2020 13:41

I understand that your feelings are coloured by your background but I think you are being a bit mean with the attitude that you would happily tell your mum but not mil!
She has housed you - she didn't have to. And while she is bring ott, it's just excitement. Deliberately conceiving a child when you are living in someone else's house and then getting mean when that someone shows interest as me excitement is horrible.

Not connected, but you might find that Moses basket stand useful. It's nice to leave the crib upstairs and have a Moses basket downstairs in the early weeks

SliAnCroix · 30/04/2020 13:43

I wouldnt bother fighting this battle when you live with her.

SliAnCroix · 30/04/2020 13:46

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously i agree
If i had deliberately got pregnant under her roof i would allow her to know the sex. It seems really lacking in insight to live under her roof, get pregnant, tell your mum the sex but not her. 😮

Brownyblonde · 30/04/2020 13:57

Forgive me for bringing up your MS, but it's often a progressive illness as you know and it's not going to be a smooth journey bringing up a little child with a condition that can severely affect your mobility. You may well need help and support around you from well meaning family. OK so mil may not technically be your family but she is your baby's grandmother. If you're feeling exhausted you might well be able to utilise her services when you've got a toddler running around. I wouldn't be too hard on her for simply over buying baby gear. Moving in with her wasn't the wisest move regardless of circumstance

hesgotit · 30/04/2020 14:02

Bloody hell!

MIL takes in son, DP and child from previous relationship because it was the ONLY choice they had. They feel comfortable enough to start a pregnancy. MIL is buying too much.

So she's controlling?

Would it be better and would she be a better MIL if OP could say

We fell on hard times, MIL could put us up but she's safe d no, she won't even consider it. I'm now pregnant with her DGC, she shows not the slightest bit of interest.

What would she be labelled then?

Callous? Cold?

Sone people just hate MILs no matter how bloody good they are to them.

As for not wanting a big age gap, shouldn't a child be conceived when your in a financially comfortable situation and the right relationship?

So why not wait until you'd moved back to your own home and then conceive?

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2020 14:03

I only added that in so people would understand that at the moment she's always around

Well yes, because it’s her house. It’s actually you who is around her all the time.

I guess you both relied on your salary, hence why you became basically homeless, and his mother had to take you all in?

That was really good of her.

ILoveYou3000 · 30/04/2020 14:08

Well yes, because it’s her house. It’s actually you who is around her all the time.

Give over! OP quite clearly means in terms of lockdown.

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2020 14:13

OP quite clearly means in terms of lockdown

How spectacularly can you miss the point, 🤣

The point is due to lock down the op is always around her partners mother, because she lives in her partners mothers house.

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