To not want to tell my 'MIL' the sex of our baby

[SamSamA]

Bit of background:
Ive been with my partner 3 years now, currently live with him (and my 6 year old from a previous relationship) and his parents for the past year.

Baby was planned and my partners mother has been excited about it since before i was pregnant. Not her first grandchild by the way. She already got stuff for the baby within a week of finding out even though I've asked her not to. She ignored me and continued to buy things. I told her again thank you but I don't want to her to get anymore things for the baby as my partner and I want to do it ourselves. But said if there's anything we really need after that we will let her know and she's more than welcome to buy what we ask for, rather than stuff we don't want or need. She said ok and I thought it was done with.
Fast forward to a week ago and she asked about my 20 week scan which is next week and said she can't wait to know what we're having as she's bought loads of girl clothes and can't wait to show me. And also has 'plans' depending on the baby's sex. Then proceeded to show my partner the bags stuff she's gotten which he said is several black bags worth. She wouldn't let him look inside thought. I refused to go see as I was annoyed.
I told my partner that day I don't want to tell anyone what we're having but didn't tell him it's solely because of his mother as I know as soon as she knows the sex she's going to get more stuff. Just said I wanted it to be a surprise and he said that's fine but when he told his mother a few days later she wasn't happy.
I know I sound ungrateful but with my first child my abusive ex boyfriend took over like I was literally just there to push out the baby and that's it. Determined to have some sort of control this time round.
Anyway 'MIL' is complaining that I'm being unreasonable as I'm ruining her plans. The thing is i don't actually mind and I do want to tell people, in fact I really wanna tell my sister and my mum, but just not her.
So AIBU if i tell my partner and his family that we're not telling anyone but then tell my family what we're having knowing they will keep it a secret?

that's not going to work OP, and you probably know that. You need to politely set some clear boundaries, rather than try and deceive her ,which will fail and build resentment forevermore.

You either tell everyone or no one.
Would you be ok with your own mum buying baby stuff?
Congratulations by the way!

Yeah I knew it wouldn't work it was long shot. I have tired to set boundaries but she doesn't get it. It's like she's in a bubble. I'll ask something she'll say ok but then does what she wants. It's not even because she's rude, she's just oblivious. I even told my partner to tell her about buying stuff because he knows 'how to get through to her' but clearly didn't work.

If it was my mum I would tell her straight don't buy me anything and she would listen as she knows I'll make her take it back.

And thank you

told her again thank you but I don't want to her to get anymore things for the baby as my partner and I want to do it ourselves

With all respect OP you can't control other people if they want to buy your baby things. If you really don't want them donate them but she just sounds excited.

As said above you cannot do that! You need to find out the sex and sit MIL down and just be polite

'MIL I appreciate the fact you are excited and it is so great that you already love our baby so much but as I have already said multiple times we do NOT want you to buy anything for us! You are more than welcome to buy a couple of outfits for the baby but that is it. We have already decided on all the items we want to buy so anything extra will just go to waste and end up in the charity shop and if you are happy to agree with us on this then we are happy to tell you the sex of the baby'

And get your partner to back you up on it!! My MIL although would buy nice stuff like Ted Baker it would always be in the sale so if DD was turning 6 months in July she would buy her a thick fur snow suit in 6-9 months just not even thinking about what month she would fit into it!! This went on till DD was 18 months and DH told his mum anything else you buy without asking first will just go straight to the charity shop.... so she could not get upset as she had been warned!!

Would you consider not finding out the sex yourselves? Tell the sonographer that you don’t want to know.

My MIL was very over excited and bought a couple of things I specifically asked her not to because we weren't going to use them/already had them (think along the lines of a moses basket/stroller). Basically I thanked her and we've just never used them, I'll offer them back to her shortly as SIL is pregnant and will just say DD didn't get along with them. She keeps saying she'll be buying DD's first shoes, she won't, but I don't need to stress myself out arguing with her. You don't have to use what she buys, if you don't like it or don't want it you can just say it didn't fit. You might find a few bits are really useful that you didn't think of. I understand the wanting control but you really don't need to stress yourself out. I did and it was totally unnecessary, she's my baby and nothing changes that! Congratulations and I hope everything goes smoothly

Do you live in her house?
If so, she will always have some sort of control

You cant tell your family and not her that's asking for trouble & it's very unfair to hour husband

Youd be better telling everyone you decided not to find out the babys sex at the scan.

Relationships with in laws can be very hard but as you've mentioned, she doesnt seem to be aware what she is doing is overbearing - it's more than likely, in that case her way of showing she cares.
I am 15 weeks along and the second my husbands family found out I was pregnant my sister in laws have both not stopped talking about hoping we have a boy (a lot of girls on that side of the family) and they can't wait to find out
I feel the pressure however understand that it is, in part natural they are hoping for a boy when their side is so female dominated.
As you have said unfortunately yes, telling one side the sex of your baby and not the other will never work, the "secret" will come out somehow before the baby is here.
My husband and I, right now have decided that we will find out but not tell anyone and even I am dubious of just us two being able to keep it a secret!
I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes very smoothly, I am still seeing the inside of my toilet bowl far too often!

Ht96 - I think that is the best thing to say to her. She's a bit of hoarder so she sees no problem buying things and just letting them sit there but gets annoyed when it's not used and has to be thrown away. I am the opposite, only buy what I need at the time, not for 6 months time. The threat of charity shop will probably stop her buying anything else. To be honest we think it's a boy anyway so most of stuff will have to go to the charity shop anyway.

And I will defo find out the sex, I couldn't not know. We currently live in her house but was looking to move by July but with everything happening we're not too sure now so yeah she's always gonna be there for now.

Thanks everyone, think I'm just gonna have to get over it. Tell her again not to buy anything before telling her the sex and if she does then she does 🤷🏽‍♀️. You're right fairydogmother11, not worth the stress

I agree with @JustStayHome you live in her house so she will have some control over the situation whether you like it or not ! If you accept help or money from people it always goes this way ! Can you give her a list of things you need and perhaps she can buy stuff of it if she really wants too ! Tbh I'd be super grateful for the help !

She's your baby's granny and if you're lucky and you welcome her in she will enrich your child's live not with stuff but love. It's hard and long bringing up kids as you'll know, and you don't know what's down the road. It's more important that your child has lots of people who love them and who they love than that you choose everything for them surely? Why not let her give you some things for the baby? It will mean you have a bit more money for setting up when you move out and it makes her happy. You say you've had issues before about other people being controlling about your babies, so wonder if that could be making you more sensitive to it than you would otherwise be?

My own mother was very controlling when I was pregnant with my first child. She rushed out and bought loads of things I didn't want or things I wanted to go out and choose for myself with my husband. My mum even tried choose the cot, informing me she'd been out and had seen the cot she wanted to get and I remember she got really annoyed when I put my foot down. I felt suffocated and even now 12 years on I feel she really tarnished my pregnancy. It is nice when grandparents are happy and excited about a new grandchild but it can feel so overwhelming when one wants to take over. This constant buying and control continued years after my son was born until I told my mum that I was having to donate so many of the things she was buying as we'd either already purchased it ourselves or couldn't put it to use.

@Redredgreen I wouldn't mind if it was 'some things' but judging by the amount of bags she has it's more than just some. And you're right, I'd rather the love than the stuff as I just think it's a waste. Like for example so bought us a Moses basket stand, no basket just the stand. She knows I have a crib that was my sons that were gonna use (that I let my sister use and has recently come back to me) but thought I might want a stand because it was cheap. That's the sort of random stuff she buys. Oh and she also got me second hand teething toys for some reason, the liquid inside was yellow. She didn't see the problem.
Maybe past issues has made me more sensitive but there's a limit.

I have never understood the burning need from everyone to find out a baby's sex ahead of time, it's such a weird phenomenon to me.
I also don't understand why you feel the need to make a fuss over her buying stuff. Just smile and say thank you, and if you don't want to use what she buys then don't. It sounds like she has only bought clothes, not big items. I don't personally see the harm.

Cross posted. So she's not just buying clothes, but random shit too. Well that is a bit more annoying. If it's stuff you have no use for then I would be honest with her about that. Second hand teething toys is weird, but sometimes like that I would just chuck/re-donate without saying anything I think.

OP, I know it seems like it's annoying AF now, but there's value in keeping grandparents on side - later down the line involved and keen grandparents babysit, support you, pick them up for a day when you've fallen ill etc, don't be hostile in the short term and regret it later down the line. Plus she's excited - it doesn't sound ill intended, just her execution is a bit shoddy.

Why not say go her could you tone it down a bit with the buying as you don't want your 6yo to get jealous (which I'm sure you know is actually a valid point).

Also can I implore you to not find out at all then you don't have to tell? I didn't with either of mine and so pleased, lovely surprise each time, and something to push for

OP you are already and mum so you know what to expect going forward into labour, delivery and bringing a new baby home. I really think you should chat to your new partner about what will happen when you bring the baby home if you are in MIL’s house. You need to establish comfortable boundaries now so you don’t have a repeat of others treating you like background noise to their precious baby! Maybe chat to your mum and sister and have some strategies for the future. Perhaps they could make a regular fuss of the big brother so you can focus on the new baby. If I had lived with my MIL when my first child was born, I would’ve struggled to keep her at bay as she would have ignored my wishes. I know your “MIL” intentions are likely to be harmless overexcitement but if you know this is a sensitive issue for you I do think it would be a good idea to get everyone on board with your wishes before the baby is here. Many people just don’t know what it’s like to have a person around who doesn’t respect boundaries, it can be very distressing, especially when you are trying to bond with your new baby. I think a new baby and mum are in a very special time and space and this time needs to be respected. No one should be upsetting a new mom and the recovering mother shouldn’t have to worry about other people’s feelings when she is trying to care for a newborn (as well as an older child) and recover from the birth. Please make sure you look after yourself and that your needs and feelings have priority in this situation!

I would go down the route of not finding out the sex. I honestly don't think that you can tell one side and not the other. But living in her house she's bound to catch on even if you try to keep it a secret between you.

I didn't know what I was having. But referred to my baby as he, everyone assumed that we had been told and just didn't want to say.

My logic for not wanting to know is the nursery stuff, I would buy in a neutral colour anyway so I'd be able to use it for a second child. And clothing it's better to wait to see what size your baby is or else you can end up with stuff that fits in the wrong season.

Don't tell anybody at all and by not sharing any details you will be in control.

Is it possible that she feels a bit ‘benefactor’? Does she think you can’t afford to buy anything for the baby and that she’s helping out? (Assume you are staying there to save money etc Or can’t afford a place?) it’s tricky - if you reassure her you are fine for money and don’t need her buying stuff might she feel that you don’t need to live there?
(Only ask as this happened to my dsis. There was a row about rent)