To not want to tell my 'MIL' the sex of our baby

[SamSamA]

Bit of background:
Ive been with my partner 3 years now, currently live with him (and my 6 year old from a previous relationship) and his parents for the past year.

Baby was planned and my partners mother has been excited about it since before i was pregnant. Not her first grandchild by the way. She already got stuff for the baby within a week of finding out even though I've asked her not to. She ignored me and continued to buy things. I told her again thank you but I don't want to her to get anymore things for the baby as my partner and I want to do it ourselves. But said if there's anything we really need after that we will let her know and she's more than welcome to buy what we ask for, rather than stuff we don't want or need. She said ok and I thought it was done with.
Fast forward to a week ago and she asked about my 20 week scan which is next week and said she can't wait to know what we're having as she's bought loads of girl clothes and can't wait to show me. And also has 'plans' depending on the baby's sex. Then proceeded to show my partner the bags stuff she's gotten which he said is several black bags worth. She wouldn't let him look inside thought. I refused to go see as I was annoyed.
I told my partner that day I don't want to tell anyone what we're having but didn't tell him it's solely because of his mother as I know as soon as she knows the sex she's going to get more stuff. Just said I wanted it to be a surprise and he said that's fine but when he told his mother a few days later she wasn't happy.
I know I sound ungrateful but with my first child my abusive ex boyfriend took over like I was literally just there to push out the baby and that's it. Determined to have some sort of control this time round.
Anyway 'MIL' is complaining that I'm being unreasonable as I'm ruining her plans. The thing is i don't actually mind and I do want to tell people, in fact I really wanna tell my sister and my mum, but just not her.
So AIBU if i tell my partner and his family that we're not telling anyone but then tell my family what we're having knowing they will keep it a secret?

Lost all my sympathy with the drip feed that you live with her!

A nasty entitled freeloader is what you sound like here OP.

Get your shit together & sort out your own place ASAP presumably before you sit spouting out such nastiness towards a woman that was kind enough to house YOU & YOUR son that bears no biological resemblance to her.

@crispysausagerolls

Lost all my sympathy with the drip feed that you live with her!

Drip feed?? It's in the first paragraph!!!

@thegreenlight if posts like this give you fear just don't be an overbearing MIL, and problem sorted.
I don't mind MIL buying stuff, but there were things I wanted to get myself like a pram or bed as I liked particular designs and I knew what would to well on the pavement. OP did not deny anyone opportunity to buy stuff, but she also does not want piles of sh!t she will not be using. There is a difference between getting some clothes and a bag full of crap and second hand teething toys...

Also shocked that you’d plan a baby while you’re presumably living in someone else’s house. (Assuming it’s not yours that you’re letting her stay in)
Ywnbu to not find out, YABU to live in her home and not tell her if you know, especially if your family know. At lest if you find out, don’t tell anyone else and don’t tell her that you found out.

I agree she’s excited and probably addicted to buying stuff. I do think she’s getting stuff for her benefit than yours.

I think you should explain how the stuff you don’t chose yourself makes you feel. Tell her it’s making you feel upset because you can already see things you don’t want to use but now feel burdened as you’ll feel obliged to use them as they’re gifts and you feel uncomfortable to them give away. Tell her you are feeling increasingly stressed under the weight of her generosity. More specific and melodramatic the better

Ask her if she would buy slightly old aged things so when she babysits you don’t have to bring a massive bag.

Then move out.

Why have you and your 6you lived with your MIL for a year, and why did you plan to ttc when you lived there, especially when you don't like her? That seems like a really odd decision.

I'd move out and stand on your own two feet asap.

She sounds overbearing - buying loads of girl clothes before the 20-wek scan? WTF? - but maybe she thinks you can't afford it or you're disorganised or you haven't planned enough. I don't know.

And agree with @Leflic that you need to tell her how all the stuff she's buying is making you feel.

But also say how grateful you are that she's housing you and that she's interested in the baby...

I sort of understand, OP. My MIL was overbearing when I was pregnant and made a lot of comments that got my back up. Things have mostly got back on track now although I think I am still hanging on to some of those feelings.

I think it's tough to set these boundaries with her when you're living in her house. Perhaps suggest to her you'd like to buy some of your own things or other people want to buy them too, so could she not buy quite as much.

But YABVU if you tell everyone but her the sex.

I always lol at the 'setting boundaries' line that gets trotted out.
You, your 3 year old child (that has nothing to do with her) and your boyfriend are living in MIL home. You've purposely got pregnant and are mardy because MIL is excited and buying stuff and only want your family to know the sex.
Time you grew up and got your own home don't you think.

Why don’t you just let her buy you stuff? What’s wrong with that?
It will save you some money, perhaps you can get your own place.
No doubt your own family are allowed to buy you stuff

I'm with you OP. If someone kept buying you clothes you didn't want you'd be right to be pissed off. But because it's a baby, people think they have a right to override the parents? Let's be honest here, this won't just boil down to the clothes when the baby is here. The MIL will get involved in how you feed, how often, your parenting approach etc nipping this kind of stuff in the bud now is your best bet otherwise she will unintentionally take over once your baby is here.

Your baby, your choice - beauty of autonomy! People forget you still have that when you're pregnant and becoming a parent 🤔 tell who you want the gender as well...again, why is there a right or wrong way, it's really your choice again who you tell.

In respect to telling her to stop buying things, reaffirm to her you appreciate the gesture but it will go to waste as you've also got other friends and family who would like to buy the baby bits as well as yourself. Advise you will go through what she has got, but realistically she will need to start returning bits as it won't get worn.

Or take the other approach and be honest, tell her it's upsetting you that she hasn't listened. Explain that you had very little say with your first child and you would like to be listened more in this pregnancy. Try and get her to see it from your perspective.

If she still doesn't listen after that, be firm and say it's going to the charity shop 🤷🏻‍♀️

6 year old child, apologies!

The fact you live with them lets her into your lives in a massive way anyway.

I think you're being unkind, sorry.

I see you already know the sex, have you told your own parents?

Why have you uprooted your 6 yr old to move into your boyfriends mums house? Why didn't you stay where you were? I find that odd, I am assuming they treat her well and she is not feeling pushed out by all the excitement in the house. If your not happy with your DP mums involvement then move out and maybe go and stay with your mum

I feel your pain, I hate the way gender affects the way we’re all treated and shapes what we’re supposed to like and dislike and our personality. The endless pink or blue isn’t funny either, I think everyone is an individual person before their gender and children shouldn’t live in pink or blue prisons.

You MIL sounds like a control freak, to me her behaviour is totally irrational. I would nod along, make the nursery neutral and ask that any equipment is neutral so it “matches”. Let her have a few of her plans but this is your child, they will be influenced by you the most.

My MIL was a control freak. The more you push them the more they push back and the often love drama. Older control freaks seem to like everything fixed in place including gender.

MIL can buy your new baby as many clothes as she likes, baby can wear them to see granny and then “ grow out” of them....

Good luck.

Why don’t you just let her buy you stuff? What’s wrong with that?

Would you want manky old teething toys for your baby?

I would try and have a clear talk with her or else once the baby is here it could get worse
She sounds excited but I totally get in regards with you having a bad experience previously but have that conversation with her so she understands

You can't control MIL she can buy what she wants. You can only control your reaction

This! My MIL still buys way too much stuff for our DC. I tell her if its something we have already (she doesn't care, but at least then I've told her why it might not get used). And any clothes that are way too big have to be stored at her house until they'll fit asim not going to let her shopping habit to overfill our house. It still annoys me here and there as generally not to my taste, but to be fair we do end up using more of it than I think we will, and the rest goes to charity. She knows that.

Under her roof though, I think you have to communicate better with her OP.

Also on general you can't tell people not to buy stuff for your baby. They'll do it anyway. But it's brief, very few people buy stuff for your toddler...

Loving the passive-aggressive quotes round MIL. Either just call her that or call her 'my OH's mum'.

But to solve your problem, never ever ever let her anywhere near your baby. That'll teach her! Your child, your rules and all 'MILs' are completely evil yadda yadda, bore bore.

OP is your MIL my MIL? Mine has been impossible since finding out.

She started buying before 12 weeks despite me asking he not to. She buys things without telling us and when we show her what we have bought she kicks off, saying she has already bought it.

Before lockdown happened I was genuinely heading for a breakdown, she is relentless.

You need to move out of her house, thing will be slightly easier then.

Why on earth are you, your child and partner living with her? If she is so difficult how come you accepted her hospitality and moved into her home?

You sound immature and entitled, happy to (presumably) accept free - or at the least not the market rate - board and lodging but too ‘good’ to accept baby clothes and equipment. If you can’t afford your own home why aren’t you grateful for the baby clothes etc?

Actually I'm really interested to know now how is the relationship between your MIL and your 6 year old?

What gets me, is that she’s “expecting” a girl... I don’t know what I’m having & am happy for the baby to wear anything. Friends / family hand-me-downs, boy or girl or neutral. Small baby won’t care!
The problem with your MIL is that she’s buying at random & not stuff you actually need... I’ve found the amount of baby crap out there overwhelming, not excited about buying any of it, TBH.