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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to tell my 'MIL' the sex of our baby

214 replies

SamSamA · 30/04/2020 02:07

Bit of background:
Ive been with my partner 3 years now, currently live with him (and my 6 year old from a previous relationship) and his parents for the past year.

Baby was planned and my partners mother has been excited about it since before i was pregnant. Not her first grandchild by the way. She already got stuff for the baby within a week of finding out even though I've asked her not to. She ignored me and continued to buy things. I told her again thank you but I don't want to her to get anymore things for the baby as my partner and I want to do it ourselves. But said if there's anything we really need after that we will let her know and she's more than welcome to buy what we ask for, rather than stuff we don't want or need. She said ok and I thought it was done with.
Fast forward to a week ago and she asked about my 20 week scan which is next week and said she can't wait to know what we're having as she's bought loads of girl clothes and can't wait to show me. And also has 'plans' depending on the baby's sex. Then proceeded to show my partner the bags stuff she's gotten which he said is several black bags worth. She wouldn't let him look inside thought. I refused to go see as I was annoyed.
I told my partner that day I don't want to tell anyone what we're having but didn't tell him it's solely because of his mother as I know as soon as she knows the sex she's going to get more stuff. Just said I wanted it to be a surprise and he said that's fine but when he told his mother a few days later she wasn't happy.
I know I sound ungrateful but with my first child my abusive ex boyfriend took over like I was literally just there to push out the baby and that's it. Determined to have some sort of control this time round.
Anyway 'MIL' is complaining that I'm being unreasonable as I'm ruining her plans. The thing is i don't actually mind and I do want to tell people, in fact I really wanna tell my sister and my mum, but just not her.
So AIBU if i tell my partner and his family that we're not telling anyone but then tell my family what we're having knowing they will keep it a secret?

OP posts:
ShadowCat17 · 30/04/2020 05:19

I’ve just had my second DS and with my first we didn’t find out and my MIL couldn’t understand why we didn’t want to know. My first DS was her first grandchild so she was way overexcited, and I even invited her to one of the scans as I thought she might like to come as she might not have the opportunity again (her daughter, my SIL, has underlying health conditions and unlikely to have kids) and she said she tried her best to figure out the sex when looking at the screen as she had knitted a hat that she wanted to know if she could put a pink flower on! When I was pregnant with no. 2 DH and I said we would find out just because we wanted to this time around and when she asked the sex I told her it was another boy - I had wanted a girl initially to have one of each as knew we didn’t want more after this one which she was aware of - and first thing she said is ‘oh are you disappointed? That’s a shame, I’ll never have my granddaughter now!’ I’ve learnt to let things roll as they are doing it out of excitement, and going by my sisters experience with a MIL who couldn’t care less about my nephews, it’s worse if they show no interest.

I would say though set your boundaries now as if you think it’s annoying now, it only gets worse when baby arrives! Good luck.

ukgift2016 · 30/04/2020 05:21

You are moaning yet you live with your boyfriend parents? Why are you living with your boyfriend family when you have two children?

goose1964 · 30/04/2020 05:25

It's really hard to keep a secret like that. My son knew the sex of his baby but wanted us to have a surprise. However he was so excited he told his brother who let it slip by call the baby him. We were in a similar position with my daughter's second when we all know but my son in law didn't want to, again the 'him ' came out but luckily he didn't pick up on it.

Savingshoes · 30/04/2020 05:34

"DP and I are going to sort through stuff to donate to charity. Where's those baby items you purchased when we agreed not to. With so many clothes ending up in a landfill this will not only be a great way for you to support your son and I in our decisions over our child but you will be helping the environment too!" Wink

thegreenlight · 30/04/2020 05:44

When you find out the sex, I hope it’s not a boy! You may be a MIL one day. How would you feel if you were denied the opportunity to buy things for your grandchild! ‘I just want to tell my mum and sister’ her son is just as much a parent as you are and she is just as much a grandmother! I have two boys and posts like this give me the fears!

Hugt · 30/04/2020 05:59

I think you living with her changes the whole dynamic as its not as simple as being able to shut your front door and deal with it in small doses.

Unfortunately you cant really dictate to her whilst you're living in her house

neverknewsomany · 30/04/2020 06:07

Why are you living with his parents?

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 30/04/2020 06:07

It is difficult to set boundaries when you don’t live in your own house.

Having a baby is a big thing, just say the baby was in a bad position for the scanning and sex couldn’t be known (it happens). The less information you give, the greater the peace.

LouiseCollina · 30/04/2020 06:08

Your MIL is totally overbearing OP; no wonder she’s setting your teeth on edge. If I were you I’d be hellbent on getting out of that house before the baby’s born. If she has no intention of respecting your boundaries now can you imagine what she’ll put you through when the baby comes along? Get out, quick!

LouiseCollina · 30/04/2020 06:13

I disagree by the way with the idea that you’re obliged to be bombarded with tat you don’t want because you’re living in her house. You’re not.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 30/04/2020 06:33

I never said you are obliged but that is difficult to set boundaries. That’s why I would never live again with my mum and have refused to accept any help from my MIL however well intentioned. Living in another’s people house involves a lot of give and take.

TreeTopTim · 30/04/2020 06:40

This sounds like it's more about her not you. You say she is a bit of a hoarder as the situation with buying a moses stand just because it was cheap or buying old teething toys useful to no one confirms it for me. Has she ever had help with the hoarding?

Hoarding is a mental health issue so it may not be easy for her to just stop buying things.

Also can you find out the sex at 20 weeks, my local hospital don't do sex reveals at all?

papiermaches · 30/04/2020 06:45

Stop being so difficult and just tell her! What's the point in letting this become a thing?? You're living under her roof, of course she's excited and feels invested. Just let her crack on. Is her generosity really that bad? Have a word with your boyfriend and tell him to tell her not to buy any 'big' stuff.
Pass on anything you don't want to keep and if you want your independence then MOVE out of her house. She's letting you and your child live in her home and you're on here complaining that she's buying you too many things for your baby??
You remind me of the couple's who let their parents pay for their entire wedding then complain that they want input into it...

Lav2020 · 30/04/2020 06:57

Explain to her, that your worried the stuff won't get used.
Maybe suggest holding off until you know the sex and go out shopping together, maybe use it as an opportunity to bond and have more of a say.
She is letting you live with her so maybe building a relationship rather than causing further friction.
Maybe this is her way of trying to be an involved grandparent, the in laws often get pushed to one side when a baby is born.
I wishy In laws where that excited when my children where born.
I don't think it would be nice to purposely exclude her from knowing the sex.
Maybe go through the stuff with her, pick out some bits you like, and suggest making baby parcels for hostels and struggling families.

DivGirl · 30/04/2020 06:58

Just tell her the sex and let her buy whatever crap she wants. You can pass the stuff you don't want on.

But long term - you need to move. And stop "planning" children when you aren't independently supporting the ones you have.

Frowechoh · 30/04/2020 06:59

Have you explained to her how you felt about your first pregnancy? She may understand why you are so keen to make your own decisions this time.

If she really wants to help perhaps you could choose things and she can pay. Or try and contain her spending. Give her one area to buy for rather than buying anything and everything. If you plan to moving out soon she could instead buy things for her house for when the baby comes to visit.

She's excited and wants to be involved. You could maybe ask her instead of buying things she could do something special. Perhaps she could work on a baby scrap/memory book or something to keep her busy. Knit a special blanket. A cross stitch for the babys room. Whatever focuses her energy. Keep hyping up our special it will be.

Tink2007 · 30/04/2020 07:03

If she is that overbearing and not listening to you at all, I would be more concerned at how she will act when you bring the baby home. You mentioned you live with her so really think boundaries need to be set.

AmelieTaylor · 30/04/2020 07:03

She sounds like a complete nightmare

However, you're living in her house. It was madness to 'plan' to have a baby while you were there. 'All of this' isn't stopping people buying/renting houses. Stop worrying about excess teething rings & start focussing on moving out.

Wifeofbikerviking · 30/04/2020 07:07

Hmm it's a hard one..it seems a shame to keep it secret if it's not what you really want. I would probably tell everyone.

Then every time your mil buys things tell her clearly that it will be donated to a charity shop or childrens clothes bank . If she decides to continue wasting money then shes daft really.

Clothes bank or charity shop will be delighted with brand new things too 😁

TheTrollFairy · 30/04/2020 07:11

So you and your child from a previous relationship are living in her house but you want her to butt out of your business. Strange that’s she’s good enough to live with but can’t buy her grandchild anything.
I never understand why people, who are obviously upset with their living arrangements decide to start a family before they sort their housing. If you were living in your own house then you wouldn’t see the stuff she has bought.
You realise she is doing it out of excitement for her grandchild and not out of any malice or hatred!
I bet you’ll also be trying to stop her coming to the hospital when the baby is born (corona dependant) but will let your mum and sister

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 30/04/2020 07:13

Why don’t you just buy two sets of drawers, fill one with your stuff and one with MIL’s.
Only use your stuff. Unless you feel differently when babies here.
Keep tags on MIL’s so you can finite what isn’t used x

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 30/04/2020 07:14

Donate*

pinkyredrose · 30/04/2020 07:14

I wouldn't tell her. Why on earth did you take your 6 yr old to live with her, where were you before?

Yester · 30/04/2020 07:16

Jesus you need to move out. You are staying in her home and you don't like her. That is terrible for everyone.

Daftodil · 30/04/2020 07:17

Is there a way to channel her enthusiasm? Eg get her to help you research prams or ask her to throw you a zoom baby shower? She obviously wants to be involved, but with no direction, she's going to be all over everything. If there's an area you want to keep to yourselves (eg car seats), dont mention it, but ask for her help with a different area (eg finger food recipes) to focus her attention elsewhere.

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