To not want to tell my 'MIL' the sex of our baby

[SamSamA]

Bit of background:
Ive been with my partner 3 years now, currently live with him (and my 6 year old from a previous relationship) and his parents for the past year.

Baby was planned and my partners mother has been excited about it since before i was pregnant. Not her first grandchild by the way. She already got stuff for the baby within a week of finding out even though I've asked her not to. She ignored me and continued to buy things. I told her again thank you but I don't want to her to get anymore things for the baby as my partner and I want to do it ourselves. But said if there's anything we really need after that we will let her know and she's more than welcome to buy what we ask for, rather than stuff we don't want or need. She said ok and I thought it was done with.
Fast forward to a week ago and she asked about my 20 week scan which is next week and said she can't wait to know what we're having as she's bought loads of girl clothes and can't wait to show me. And also has 'plans' depending on the baby's sex. Then proceeded to show my partner the bags stuff she's gotten which he said is several black bags worth. She wouldn't let him look inside thought. I refused to go see as I was annoyed.
I told my partner that day I don't want to tell anyone what we're having but didn't tell him it's solely because of his mother as I know as soon as she knows the sex she's going to get more stuff. Just said I wanted it to be a surprise and he said that's fine but when he told his mother a few days later she wasn't happy.
I know I sound ungrateful but with my first child my abusive ex boyfriend took over like I was literally just there to push out the baby and that's it. Determined to have some sort of control this time round.
Anyway 'MIL' is complaining that I'm being unreasonable as I'm ruining her plans. The thing is i don't actually mind and I do want to tell people, in fact I really wanna tell my sister and my mum, but just not her.
So AIBU if i tell my partner and his family that we're not telling anyone but then tell my family what we're having knowing they will keep it a secret?

MIL can buy your new baby as many clothes as she likes, baby can wear them to see granny and then “ grow out” of them....

Rabblemum You seems to have missed the bit that she and her child moved into MILs house....

OP, you need to grow up.

Most people don't have a lot to be excited about right now. I think you're being unreasonable to not let her be excited about your child. What else has she got to occupy her, after all?

Either find out and tell everyone, or don't find out. Simple.

What made you decide to live with your MIL and then ‘plan’ to have a baby?

As the mother of an adult DS I would be really disappointed if my DS moved back into my home, with a partner and child, and then made a conscious choice to have another child.

I also think the simple solution is to not find out. I don't get the obsession with finding out the sex of your unborn baby...you will know soon enough! Babies can wear any colour clothes so all that 'planning' stuff doesn't make sense to me but then I have never been a 'pink' for girls 'blue' for boys kind of person and neither have my kids.

I think you're being a bit unfair, she's excited! You don't have to use the stuff she's bought.

How come you live with them? Sounds like you all need your own space.

In regards to not telling her the sex, would you be okay if your partner said he wanted to tell his mum and sibling but that you weren't allowed to tell yours?! Double standards OP. You tell them all or you don't tell anyone.

Such pressure to put yourselves under though, what if one of you slips up? Mil is going to be badgering her ds the whole time about it... just sounds like it's going to create drama.

Your MIL having bought lots of baby girls clothes would concern me as it almost shows a preference which is unacceptable. I could be touchy though as my MIL did have a very obvious preference for a girl when I was pregnant last time and couldn’t even bring herself to congratulate us when we going out baby was a boy. My dh pulled her up on her attitude and most of his siblings and mum fell out with him 🤔. My MIL does have a very obvious preference for generally although funny none of the females in his family see this.

Personally if I was ever to have more kids (unlikely) me and dh have agreed not to tell his family the babies sex. However his family have ruined it the supposedly lovely experience of us finding out the sex of our babies two out of three times.

I also wonder why people are so bothered about finding out the sex.

You couldn't not know?

That sounds as daft to me as MIL & her random buying.

Essentially though she's just buying stuff & keeping it in her own house, isn't she?

Take it or not when you move out!

You're acting very controlling. You all live in her home with your first child.
Does she help out?
Either tell no one or be honest with her about buying stuff.

I never understand people that tell some and not others or keep it secret from each other etc etc, it's all a bit OTT and dare I say it in some cases downright attention seeking.

BUT that being said - congratulations, sorry your last pregnancy was hijacked by your ex and am very happy for you you are in a better place. I get why this would make you more anxious and protective of your pregnancy and experience, but think about it, it's not a big deal and your mum in law wants to do nice things for you. If not, then I agree with others just don't tell anyone.

RingaRosie I think that’s a benefit not a negative. Lots of my friends found the early months really hard because they had so much “stuff” to look after as well as a baby. Endless outfit changes, bottle washing, nappy bags to sort out.
I had a tiny bedsit. One plate and mug for me. Sounds tragic but zero piles of washing up. Breast and sling for the baby, all clothes secondhand aside from some fabulous gifts “for best”. Cot and floor mat. Save clutter for when they are toddlers.

Ps at the hospital where we had our kids, you couldn't find out the sex so it was a good old fashioned IT'S A GIRL/BOY after all that horrendous labouring, and was something to look forward to (says ancient old bag nostalgically).

You live in HER house with your partner and YOUR child - she must be a wonderful person to do this for you . If you want to have secrets from her and not the rest of your family then it is time for you to live on your own or with your parents .

Lots of posters over the years have made threads about domineering MILs/boyfriends mothers showing up with bags of tat for years despite being told many times it’s not wanted or needed. It’s always busted old tat, stained clothes that won’t fit and the house is already stuffed to the rafters with clothes, and usually a few tins of canned sardines or whatever random shite they found. It’s a dominance thing, or some creepy issue that’s not your problem. Posters are failing to read the replies and the fact that the boyfriends mother has several binbags stuffed full of clothes to foist upon OP. Time for your boyfriend to put boundaries in place OP. Which will Ben impossible since you’re in that woman’s property?! ( why ?!)

We lived with my MIL for a while, and she, too, had a habit of buying stuff we didn't need, and she, too, bought my child's first shoes.

TBH, it was her house, and if she wanted to fill it with tat for the kid then I let her - I just didn't use anything that I didn't need, and when we moved out, we left most of it at her house 'to use when we visit'.

Even the shoes, which upset me at the time a bit, has completely faded into no feeling by now - he's my son, 10 years later, I just don't care who bought him his first shoes (especially since we were absolutely skint at the time, so it was really exactly what we needed).

I know your situation is different, but I think OP, if you can find a way to just step back in your head with a 'this too shall pass' - use what's useful, ignore what isn't, and use your money to buy anything you actually want, rather than the basics which you can probably cover from her stash.

You do need to set some boundaries though, so the resent doesn't grow - maybe start a routine of retreating to your room now, so you can do it later with the baby when you need some peace.

No OP its not ok to tell YOUR family and not her

Christ you live in the woman's HOUSE for one thing .

It is awful to create a wedge between DM and DS unless of course she has given you reasons. Pull back and cope on before spoiling their relationship.
Your partner will suffer the most, he may find you unreasonable.
It sounds like he is in a horrible situation stuck in the middle, you are blaming his DM for your ex's behaviour.
I'm dreading DS growing up to marry there are so many MIL rules to follow.
I hope he is gay.

You live with her. She's going to have more control than usual. It's playing games a bit to tell your side of the family and not his (especially when she's providing a roof over your heads I'm afraid you're a little bit indebted to her) she'll calm down in time. Try not to get too het up and hung up on what she is or isn't doing. As another poster ssid- you can't control her and what she's doing. Just concentrate on what you're doing. If you have to donate half the stuff she's bought so be it - you did ask her not to get so much. Don't be dragged into playing games with withholding info about the baby's sex from her (if your family know) that's a bit manipulative

You can find out the sex but just keep it between the two of you. My DB and SIL did this and it was fine.

However would your DP given in and tell his mother? You say he’s told her not to buy any more stuff but she ignored him. He can’t have been very firm then.

I’d never in a million years live with in-laws no matter how nice they were. You’d be better off looking to find a place of your own so you can be independent. She’ll always have some element of control while you live with her because it puts you and your DP back into the role of dependents.

I can't understand the posts where people get annoyed because grandparents buy gifts. Just say thank you and if you don't want it don't use it.
She sounds excited and wants to get involved. Is there a way you could involve her in a different way so she doesn't feel as though she has to keep buying things? I know it is your child so ultimately quite rightly the decisions are yours but it will also be her grandchild and that is also a special relationship.

I think it is a territorial hormone issue too.
My MIL is lovely and bought both of mine their first shoes.
Though I remember having weird feelings about her on my first baby, I remember eye rolling at her advice. 12 years later I know it was my issue wanting territory not her at all. we didn't live together

She does sound completely overbearing but your DP needs to step up and sort out the problem. We've had to have words with both mum's about buying stuff, admittedly not bin bags of clothes or second hand teethers, but it's just over excitement on their parts.

However, you live in her house and that's the bigger problem - you can't say you don't have space because she'll make space. She's going to be involved because you're there. You need to fix your living situation.

I'd just tell your mum and sis tbh. She's a rude cow, who cares about her when she's already been so interfering! Just keep it quiet and enjoy your pregnancy which is fuck all to do with her.

Also, prepare yourself for the baby name harassment next!

You would just be delaying the inevitable. You need to firmly tell her that this is your baby, she doesn't GET to make plans for your baby. Tell her not to buy anything for baby and anything she does buy will be taken to the charity shop. It might be a little tough to start with but the alternative is that she does this to you forever.

Hoarders are a flipping nightmare. Several in my family. My brother taught me a way of thinking that helped me. He said to look at each item bought as a whimper. When they feel any negative emotion they react by acquiring something related to that negative emotion.

All the baby gear buying by a hoarder suggests she is feeling very stressed about the baby. Hardly surprising given she has you pregnant living in her house and you have other children. Anybody would be stressed out of their skull in her situation. This is a sign she is not coping (no matter what she says, her hoarding comfort actions say otherwise).

You need to move out.

I think you need to sit your MIL down and tell her about your past relationship and how made you feel and and how she is making you feel now. Be honest with her and completely straight. Don’t let her come with ifs or buts and as other posters have said tell her anything else she buys will go to the charity shop. Regardless of whether you live with her or not, she needs to know the boundaries with your baby.

Let her be excited, she is going to be a granny again, it’s wonderful that she is excited for the baby. I wish my MIL was like that with my kids.

As for not telling her and telling your own family........seriously think about it, you have a son, how would you feel if your future daughter in law told her family and not you about the sex of a baby, regardless of the reasons. It’s not nice, it’s spiteful and will drive a wedge between you and your mother in law and that’s not nice for your partner, after all it’s his baby too and it’s his mum!

I’ve never known what the big deal is with finding out the sex of the baby, I always think it’s nice to wait until it’s born.