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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to tell my 'MIL' the sex of our baby

214 replies

SamSamA · 30/04/2020 02:07

Bit of background:
Ive been with my partner 3 years now, currently live with him (and my 6 year old from a previous relationship) and his parents for the past year.

Baby was planned and my partners mother has been excited about it since before i was pregnant. Not her first grandchild by the way. She already got stuff for the baby within a week of finding out even though I've asked her not to. She ignored me and continued to buy things. I told her again thank you but I don't want to her to get anymore things for the baby as my partner and I want to do it ourselves. But said if there's anything we really need after that we will let her know and she's more than welcome to buy what we ask for, rather than stuff we don't want or need. She said ok and I thought it was done with.
Fast forward to a week ago and she asked about my 20 week scan which is next week and said she can't wait to know what we're having as she's bought loads of girl clothes and can't wait to show me. And also has 'plans' depending on the baby's sex. Then proceeded to show my partner the bags stuff she's gotten which he said is several black bags worth. She wouldn't let him look inside thought. I refused to go see as I was annoyed.
I told my partner that day I don't want to tell anyone what we're having but didn't tell him it's solely because of his mother as I know as soon as she knows the sex she's going to get more stuff. Just said I wanted it to be a surprise and he said that's fine but when he told his mother a few days later she wasn't happy.
I know I sound ungrateful but with my first child my abusive ex boyfriend took over like I was literally just there to push out the baby and that's it. Determined to have some sort of control this time round.
Anyway 'MIL' is complaining that I'm being unreasonable as I'm ruining her plans. The thing is i don't actually mind and I do want to tell people, in fact I really wanna tell my sister and my mum, but just not her.
So AIBU if i tell my partner and his family that we're not telling anyone but then tell my family what we're having knowing they will keep it a secret?

OP posts:
rainyday678 · 30/04/2020 07:21

You sound really ungrateful & spiteful here OP. Here you are living in her house, slagging her off for her only sin which is being overtly excited about the baby ( unless there are other things) suggesting that you want to tell your family only is disrespectful to your partner. You sound really young & maybe it's time you got your own place & don't forget she was kind enough to let you live there. Sounds like you just want to crush this woman.

An awful post, you sound awful OP.

Dieu · 30/04/2020 07:30

YABU.

Inthepurplerain · 30/04/2020 07:30

Being overexcited doesn’t give anyone the right to disrespect the wishes of a pregnant mother @rainyday678.

Op has already explained on top of this that her ex was controlling during her first pregnancy and that her current mil is making her feel like she has no control.

Let’s face it also, there sounds to be several black bags full of stuff here, that’s not normal excitement, especially off the back of op asking nicely to not buy anymore.

Massive red flag mil behaviour op, she will continue to disrespect and control when your child is born too.

Umnoway · 30/04/2020 07:32

She will always have a grasp of control while you live with her, is your DD happy living with them? It sounds like an odd thing to do, I don’t think I could live with my IL’s!

PersonaNonGarter · 30/04/2020 07:35

OP, you are very lucky to have your MIL. She houses you and your son. She is excited about your baby.

Telling your family not her would be pure spite.

myna · 30/04/2020 07:35

I can’t understand “planning” for a baby while you, partner and your child are living with your partner’s mother. Sounds like she has been very kind to you all and maybe you should focus your energies on moving out instead of this

itsallopticsanyway · 30/04/2020 07:36

You can't tell one side and not the other. Either don't find out or if you want to, then say you didn't and don't tell anyone.

It can be done! I desperately wanted to know with DD2 (we didn't find out with DD1) but DH really didn't. So he left the room when they told me and we told everyone who asked that we didn't know. But I did and I kept it a total secret for the next 19 weeks. He found out when she was born and it was all lovely.

yikesanotherbooboo · 30/04/2020 07:43

It is nice that your mil is interested and hard to justify spending money yourselves if you are dependent on her for a roof over your heads. I had an overbearing mil so understand the claustrophobia but also understood that her motives were good. She loved her son and the DC and keeping the relationships happy was good for everyone. I would suggest you concentrate on saving so that you can move as soon as it is practicable and if it is possible you steer mil towards what you want. A new baby needs very little particularly if you have some stuff or family stuff to come back. I totally understand the not wanting waste motives but I would just suck up differences in taste , the baby doesn't know any different!

dontdisturbmenow · 30/04/2020 07:46

Your MIL is seeing this baby as a new excitement in her life HER new excitement.

The problem is that by living at hers, you are giving her the message that you need her and she take this as her being entitled to some control.

You can't have it both ways, expect her to be very involved in your life when it suits, by living there, but telling her to butt out when it doesn't.

You really should have looked at getting a place of your own before having a baby.

MandosHatHair · 30/04/2020 07:47

Yes she is being a bit OTT but it would be quite spiteful to tell other relatives the sex and not your MIL. If you are going to keep it secret from one person then really you need to not find out at all.

Can your family house you if you are finding MIL hard to live with?

strawberry2017 · 30/04/2020 07:48

Im curious what her other plans are, you are going to need some boundaries setting now, things are just going to escalate otherwise and you will end up moving out on bad terms at this rate.
You do need to move out ASAP, if you are feeling this controlled now it's only going to get worse when baby arrives.

Mummypig2020 · 30/04/2020 07:49

I wish my mil had more interest in my child. She didn’t see her for the first 5 weeks because she had a new boyfriend after leaving her husband for him. My mum has died and I would love her to be able to spoil my Dc.

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2020 07:50

This seems slightly illogical, why are you living with them, is it there house? It seems you dislike her and want to in some way punish her for buying stuff but at the same time have potentially got your hand out for her to house you.

Is this the case?

speakout · 30/04/2020 07:52

The thing is i don't actually mind and I do want to tell people, in fact I really wanna tell my sister and my mum, but just not her.

I think that is very unfair.

speakout · 30/04/2020 07:53

Why are you living with your MIL if you dislike her so much?

WeAllHaveWings · 30/04/2020 07:53

While you are living together she is going to feel more involved. Even though you are adults living with parents will always be a parent/child relationship.

You are obviously not happy with that and want to be the one in control, even to the point you want to control what presents she buys.

If you don't want her to be so involved, what are you plans/timeline for moving out?

lockdownbirthdayhelp · 30/04/2020 07:54

You need to move out

boredboredboredboredbored · 30/04/2020 07:54

You sound really mean, sorry op but get a grip.

AppleJane · 30/04/2020 07:55

OP are we missing some info here? An overly excited MIL seems pretty mild when you're all living together in lockdown and presumably getting along otherwise. It could be so much worse!

Maybe confide in her about your past experiences? Sometimes it takes hindsight before we appreciate what we have Smile

IMO you should keep the sex of the baby secret or share fairly.

EmbarrassedUser · 30/04/2020 07:56

You’re being a bit of a precious princess @SamSamA You’re not the first person to have a baby and you won’t be the last, let her share in the fun. It seems extremely mean and nasty to let your family know the sex but not her. You should count yourself lucky that she actually wants to be involved as plenty of men’s mum’s can’t be bothered.

DoIneed1 · 30/04/2020 07:59

You will never have full control whilst living in her house.

rainyday678 · 30/04/2020 08:01

It sounds like the reason OP has such issues is due to her ex being overly controlling. These are the OP's issues that are from a previous relationship & she is now projecting this onto DP's mother.

The way OP talks about his mother is in a very cold & uncaring fashion.

Don't forget that this woman was kind enough to provide a roof over OP's head, OP had no business planning to have a baby whilst she was living under someone else's roof .... that wasn't a great idea was it? Do you sound thankful or grateful for that? No you don't.

All I can say is I'm glad that I don't have such spiteful family members such as the OP, the MIL is clearly just overly excited which is the normal actions of a loving MIL as far as I'm concerned.

OP is tainting a beautiful time here with spiteful ness Blush

frazzledmomof3 · 30/04/2020 08:03

The poor woman. Shes excited. Put yourself in her shoes. I hope your future daughter in laws dont treat you like that

rainyday678 · 30/04/2020 08:05

Oh & OP brings her 6 year old son who bears no blood family connection ( to MIL ) to live with MIL under her roof too Blush

OP if I was you I would be crawling under a rock right now.

Awful.

Sally872 · 30/04/2020 08:09

You can't control MIL she can buy what she wants. You can only control your reaction. I would see it as nice she is over excited even if it is a bit much, and she must be nice enough to allow you to live with her, and for you to want to live there.

MIL also cant control you, if you want to donate the stuff to charity do it. I would be polite about it and take some photos in a couple of outfits for her.

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