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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate my husband for selling our house (and we're now renters)

204 replies

formerhomeowner · 26/04/2020 07:01

Not sure where to post this, here or relationships, but help me out and tell me if I'm being unfair/U or perfectly well within my rights to feel this way.

5 years ago my self-employed DH took the decision to take out a loan to secure some cash to live off while a business deal was being sorted. At the same time he inherited some money which would have been enough to pay off the loan and then some. He decided to further invest in this company in the hopes he'd make good on his investment. The deal didn't pay off and no return on investment materialised. We were forced to sell our house to pay off the loan. FWIW the house was his, in his name, I wasn't contributing to mortgage or bills at the time as I was going through several rounds of IVF in the hopes of starting our family.

We are now in private rented accommodation, in a 2 bed flat with 2 preschool age DC and very little prospect of ever being homeowners ever again, especially now as DH is 46.

Am I right to be eternally annoyed at him (I bring it up often, especially in the midst of an argument)? Or should I cut him some slack as he was making the decision in good faith and that this is just life?

OP posts:
Original poster
formerhomeowner · 26/04/2020 12:05

Thanks again everyone. Some of these replies have been really helpful and let me view this from a different angle.

OP posts:
CiderJolly · 26/04/2020 12:13

Have you ever worked since meeting him? Did he buy the house before he met you?

But yes you need to let it go- I actually feel really sorry for him.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 26/04/2020 12:26

Well I can't say I would have much respect for someone who was willing to gamble their future families (which was already in the making) security like that. I think I would still be pissed of, yes.

LesFleursDuMal · 26/04/2020 12:28

A cocklodger is annoyed at a man who sold HIS OWN house. Priceless.

Go get a job, buy your own house and stop sponging off this man. It's not the 50s, you know. Stop embarrassing yourself.

itsgoodtobehome · 26/04/2020 12:29

Wow - how entitled are you OP? You didn't work so you could have (expensive) IVF treatment. You now don't work as you have 2 children. You never owned a house in the first place. Yet you are the one that hates your DH? I am actually speechless at your attitude.

IrmaFayLear · 26/04/2020 12:34

It sounds as though if the business investment had worked, you would have been quite happy to benefit from it. But since it didn't, you're taking a detached, critical position on it.

Exactly this. We were in this situation some years ago. Dh invested all our money in his company. Had it paid off, we would have been laughing all the way to a millionaire lifestyle. But it did not pay off, and we lost the lot. His partner lost a great deal more, including his house. C'est la vie. It was a gamble. For every business that's a roaring success, there are heaps that don't make it. I'm sure there are many, many failed Richard Bransons/James Dysons etc etc. We only see the people for whom gambles (and hard graft) have paid off.

Resenting your dh's attempt to improve your lives and bringing it up in every argument must be miserable for him.

CookieDoughKid · 26/04/2020 12:37

This happened to me almost exactly but at the time, I didn't need IVF. My DH lost his company and he sold the house (his house) to pay for the debt. It was a real bitter pill to swallow.

I took the decision to go back to work and earn my way out of the situation. I did well such that I bought our home. And I control the finances. DH now has a good job and he spends his own money after contributing to the household bills and mortgage. It's worked out really well but the key decision was to move on, take control and not blame him.

I worked throughput my two in school, never really taking a break and got into a bit debt to afford childcare but it's really paid of X10 over. It was my risk to take.

Porpoises · 26/04/2020 12:37

Glad you're taking this on board OP. You've had a lot of good advice and few harsh replies. Think some people are letting out their lockdown anger in AIBU, and forgetting there's a human on the end. So take what's helpful but don't take the rest to heart.

ViciousJackdaw · 26/04/2020 12:38

We are now in private rented accommodation, in a 2 bed flat with 2 preschool age DC and very little prospect of ever being homeowners ever again

But that was your choice. Nobody has IVF by accident, you consciously chose to have a second child. So stop moaning, be grateful for your 2DC, get off your arse and make some money.

Triggahippy · 26/04/2020 12:47

You can’t really hate your dh here- you both chose to have children at an unstable financial time. Many of us do of course, but you could have worked for a few years first to build up your security or support your dh. You are both to ‘blame’ fir this situation

justasking111 · 26/04/2020 12:49

This

We were forced to sell our house to pay off the loan. FWIW the house was his, in his name, I wasn't contributing to mortgage or bills at the time as I was going through several rounds of IVF in the hopes of starting our family.

You have two beautiful children, you did not own nor contribute financially to the house he owned. Enjoy what you have.

Nanalisa60 · 26/04/2020 12:56

formerhomeowner

I think you really need to let this go, it sounds like this is just eating you up, instead of looking at the bad things that have happened in the last 5 years, you should look at you two stunning children. A lot of childless women would give anything to have for two children, and would happily live in a rented 2 bed flat with a husband who obviously loves you all.

And remember things change you really don’t know what the future holds.

Also change your username it’s just another thing to keep reminding you.

TryingToBeBold · 26/04/2020 13:09

Just a heads up
Depending on how old your children are,the term after they turn 3, providing you and DH are earning over national minimum wage, you are entitled to 30hours free childcare.

Utilise that and get at least a part time job.

LuminousAmber · 26/04/2020 13:16

5 years ago you’d probably have given your right arm to be in the position of a woman with 2 children, renting their home.

Remember how far you’ve come and every time the past threatens your future, count your blessings over and over.

ElaineMarieBenes · 26/04/2020 13:25

You have to accept the past and move to the present and look to the future. I get where you are coming from and had a similar experience. DH felt guilty for years over a risk I was aware of. I did what was best for me and the DC. Happily stayed with DH, decided I’d be the main earner and bought and paid off the mortgage on our house in 6 years (which DH insisted is in my name only! We’re married it’s still half his imo!).

Don’t be resentful - be positive and happy.

TheStuffedPenguin · 26/04/2020 13:33

Sounds like you both made choices with money in different directions .

PrivateD00r · 26/04/2020 13:49

OP some replies are very harsh (maybe mine was too?). You came back and were very gracious. Just wanted to say good luck Flowers

blue25 · 26/04/2020 13:53

His arrogance and stupidness has caused avoidable misery for you and your children. I’d be furious. This will impact on the rest of your lives.

TitianaTitsling · 26/04/2020 13:56

His arrogance and stupidness has caused avoidable misery for you and your children. I’d be furious. This will impact on the rest of your lives. Are you on the right thread?!

justasking111 · 26/04/2020 14:00

I hope not that is a daft response otherwise.

gamerchick · 26/04/2020 14:04

You can't keep berating him for now providing for you in the way you want. Let it go, get a job and contribute or end it. You can get a part time job around his hours. I do it with multiple jobs. Then get a full time one when you can.

The way you've worded your posts is you've haven't been contributing all along, just wanted babies and stay at home. Nice if you can get it but it's not always doable.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/04/2020 14:50

Some of you are right nasty people.

"you weren't married and you didn't have children so why do you think you had anything to say to him selling HIS house?"

They were PARTNERS. They were TRYING to have a baby, ffs - trying really hard, with many failures. The OP is not some nasty gold digger - they were trying to create a family and the man lost the could-have-been-family home through bad business decisions.

Un-fucking-believable, some of you.

StartingGrid · 26/04/2020 15:28

I think you've had enough of a pasting for now, so just wanted to encourage you to focus on what you DO have - two lovely children - and bear in mind if we are headed for a recession/depression your focus should be on getting yourselves in the best possible financial position should there be falls in house prices you could take advantage of.

EdwinaMay · 26/04/2020 16:51

Attitude to unearned money eg the inheritance is different to something you have worked years to earn.
Had he earned that money he probably wouldn't have risked it. But it was how it was.
I can't see that you can keep blaming him. He must be angry with himself anyway.
You need to move on.

Crazycrazylady · 26/04/2020 17:29

Honestly I think you are being incredibly unfair to your husband. These were decisions he made before you were married . You are in your 30s and of by the sound of things you haven't contributed financially in years , yet you put all the blame for not being home owners entirely on him.

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