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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate my husband for selling our house (and we're now renters)

204 replies

formerhomeowner · 26/04/2020 07:01

Not sure where to post this, here or relationships, but help me out and tell me if I'm being unfair/U or perfectly well within my rights to feel this way.

5 years ago my self-employed DH took the decision to take out a loan to secure some cash to live off while a business deal was being sorted. At the same time he inherited some money which would have been enough to pay off the loan and then some. He decided to further invest in this company in the hopes he'd make good on his investment. The deal didn't pay off and no return on investment materialised. We were forced to sell our house to pay off the loan. FWIW the house was his, in his name, I wasn't contributing to mortgage or bills at the time as I was going through several rounds of IVF in the hopes of starting our family.

We are now in private rented accommodation, in a 2 bed flat with 2 preschool age DC and very little prospect of ever being homeowners ever again, especially now as DH is 46.

Am I right to be eternally annoyed at him (I bring it up often, especially in the midst of an argument)? Or should I cut him some slack as he was making the decision in good faith and that this is just life?

OP posts:
trellishead · 26/04/2020 07:06

This is a really tough one. We all like to think that we can be brave and get lucky, but in reality you have to be able to afford the risk if it goes wrong, or be extremely well informed about the value of your enterprise. Unfortunately your DH made a huge mistake and there's nothing to remedy it right now. I would try to be philosophical but come up with a plan that you can both agree is acceptable to try and mitigate what has happened.

SnuggyBuggy · 26/04/2020 07:08

Ideally you should be discussing finances and making these sorts of decisions together. Did he just do this without any input from you?

4amWitchingHour · 26/04/2020 07:12

You've been holding on to resentment and bringing it up in arguments for five years?? YABU, you need to let this go. It's a crap situation, but you can't change the past - it's not helping anyone to keep being angry about it. Focus on what can be done to improve your current situation, make sure you make joint decisions about finances, and be more risk averse.

CherryValanc · 26/04/2020 07:14

You can be annoyed at your situation but not him. You went along with the decision at the time.

Unless you weren't allowed any input into the big life decision such as a married couple buying a house. (The fact the house was in his name only because you weren't contributing make me suspicious you didn't get a say.)

TooTrueToBeGood · 26/04/2020 07:15

From you way you describe things, he made these decisions unilaterally rather than discussing and agreeing with you. If that is true than that is the real problem rather than the decisions themselves or the consequences. A marriage is meant to be a partnership, a union of two equal parties working together not master and servant.

positivepixie · 26/04/2020 07:17

The risk he took put the whole family’s future in jeopardy and it should have been a joint decision to take the risk(s), the fact the house was in his name is irrelevant. I’m sorry OP, it must be very frustrating but you must now work out a plan together if how you get back on your feet. It might take 10 years and lots of work for both of you but you’ll be on an agreed path. Or you carry on letting this eat you up and destroy the relationship.

This happened to friends of mine and I’ve been so very impressed at the way they have pulled together after devastating losses. They’re moving in to their new house next month that they’ve bought and refurbished.

Zogsbigsister · 26/04/2020 07:17

This sounds like a bit of a reverse. I think you should cut him some slack. He did what he thought was best at the time, just as you did by not working and contributing due to IVF. I think bringing it up in every argument is cruel and must be awful for his self esteem. I think you need to let it go and move on or leave.

DeathByBoredom · 26/04/2020 07:17

Had you previously contributed? Personally I think it's an easy and rather to be despised role to be the person doing nothing and criticising the others actions, but that might not have been your role here. Do you have plans for your own inheritance and what happened to your own investments? Why can't you get a mortgage on your joint income?

PeppaisaBitch · 26/04/2020 07:19

You can't keep bringing it up. I am sure that he feels awful but he can't change what happened. If you can't get past it you need to leave the relationship. I couldnt be with someone who was constantly referencing something I have no way of changing. And you're not blameless as you weren't financially contributing at the time. Are you contributing now?

dontdisturbmenow · 26/04/2020 07:19

An investment is taking a chance, always. So e pays off, some don't. It comes down to how well the investment was thought through, researched, and properly supported, but in the end, there is never any guaranteed.

If your oh has good business acumen but hit bad luck then it wouldn't be fair to resent him. If however he jumped on a poorly planned opportunity, when you yourself had doubts about and told him, that's another matter.

Apple1029 · 26/04/2020 07:21

And how have you contributed to buying a house. You made a choice to have two children knowing that the house was sold. You can be annoyed but take responsibility for your part as well.

Dragonsanddinosaurs · 26/04/2020 07:21

Did you agree with his decision at the time? I don't think all the blame lies with him if you went along with it. You also chose to make no financial contribution while this was going on which couldn't have helped.

Original poster
formerhomeowner · 26/04/2020 07:23

Thanks everyone. You're right, I need to let this go - it's been a long time now. It's hard to see everyone doing home renovations or DIY etc when I can't even put a picture on the wall without clearing it with the landlord. At the time the decision was made not to pay back the loan I wasn't privy to any of his finances and didn't really have a say. I was naive and going through hell emotionally with IVF and miscarriages so didn't question his decisions. That has since changed and all money earned (I'm SAHM) goes in to a joint account and big financial decisions made jointly.

Really good to hear about your friends @positivepixie ! I live in hope.

OP posts:
sneeuw · 26/04/2020 07:23

You were contributing to the house, and he was contributing to the IVF because regardless of which the account the money came out of, the the money was spent, same as if you'd pulled it from a joint account.

If you were married (not clear here) when he sold the house, weren't you a joint owner, if you were in England (not necessarily under Scottish law)?

The thing is, you both knew the risks of what he was doing (unless he didn't tell you until it was done). He may have made the payment, but you accepted on some level, for your home to be risked, while trying to conceive ie knowing you were going to have a baby (at least one) in the best case scenario. He also knew that.

There are a lot of variables, but unless you made a major fuss, yes you didn't make those transactions, but you went along with it. It's on him that it happened, but you're not entirely separate to it.

If he did all that behind your back though, that's a whole different situation.

And the upshot now is that you can't change what's happened. Bringing it up in every argument is entirely your choice and isn't going to make a blind bit of difference to the situation. Making sure you know exactly what's going on financially in any decision that impacts your family - or may - and responding appropriately is the only thing you can really do now. Unless you are so angry/resentful about this that you'll never get over it (understandable btw) then either therapy or leave him.

But don't make his mistake become a feature in your children's lives. There's worse in life than renting a house, one of which is parents arguing a lot. Another is growing up watching one parent who resents the other.

Figgygal · 26/04/2020 07:23

I’d be mad too
However not being unkind why weren’t you contributing whilst doing IVF? Sounds like it wouldn’t have made much difference as the value of this loan must have been significant Weren’t you working?

BateKush2020 · 26/04/2020 07:23

I agree with others that the decision should have been mutual - the house wasn’t ‘his’ if you’re married was it?

If it was a mutual decision that you agreed with (albeit reluctantly) I think you need to let it go now, as far as that is possible. Or perhaps seek marriage counselling to talk things through and deal with the past?

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 26/04/2020 07:23

Yanbu to be annoyed imo.
Yabu to keep bringing it up in arguments.
That isn't going to resolve anything.

Could you go to therapy and discuss it there with him?

I was in a very similar situation.
It is very disappointing both to have no agency in decisions about your future and to then have to live with the very likely consequences of that.
We are not still together.

I didnt bring it up much. It just festered really.
Counselling wouldn't have worked as he was abusive and quite belligerent when defensive.

We are not still together.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 26/04/2020 07:24

No idea how that extra sentence got in at the end- sorry

Lightsabre · 26/04/2020 07:24

A difficult situation but, depending on where you live, it isn't too late to return to the property market. Some mortgages go up to age 75. You'll need to save a good deposit and perhaps you can go back to work full time when your children are a bit older. Try to gain some financial independence from your dh.

BateKush2020 · 26/04/2020 07:25

Sorry X post - I don’t really understand why you weren’t allowed any access to ‘his’ finances when you were married?

Bringonspring · 26/04/2020 07:28

I see you have concluded to let it go which is the right decision. I imagine your husband also regrets it and doesn’t need it being brought up, to forgive (and properly forgive) is really important. You have made a decision to a SAHM etc which is a life decision many of us can’t afford to etc.

MindyStClaire · 26/04/2020 07:31

Oof. I would find that hard to get over, I must admit. My opinion is probably coloured by a friend who's husband gives everything to his business. But it's her good job and investment from her wealthy father that have kept him afloat, and if he'd just stuck with his well paid, stable job they'd be in a much much better position.

What is he doing now?

If you went along with it at the time, it's not fair to bring it up every argument. But at the same time, I know I would find it hard to let go of my resentment.

Bluntness100 · 26/04/2020 07:33

Honestly I’m not sure op, it seems you’ve not worked for a very long time.

As much as I understand the difficulty in ivf and miscarriages many women work through it. He was solely responsible for bringing in the money and clearly was doing his best at the time and I’m sure he made the decision he thought was right at the time.

I don’t think you get to be angry at him for it.

ellanwood · 26/04/2020 07:34

Sorry YABU. You should have intervened at the time if you felt so strongly. It's a poor joint decision. If he's not as great a businessman as he thinks he is, can you get him to take on the main childcare role and develop your own career? Or get stuck into his business and work out why it's not making money. Really tough times ahead for most of us anyway - looks like we are heading for a recession/depression so who knows what will happen to house prices.

QuestionMarkNow · 26/04/2020 07:36

I think I would struggle to get over the fact he took such an important decision wo telling me.
It’s the hidding/lying i would have an issue with. Especially when it was done at a time when I was most vulnerable.
Not the fact the decision might not have been the best (even though there is no way I would have been happy to put my house in jeopardy)

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