To hate my husband for selling our house (and we're now renters)

[formerhomeowner]

Not sure where to post this, here or relationships, but help me out and tell me if I'm being unfair/U or perfectly well within my rights to feel this way.

5 years ago my self-employed DH took the decision to take out a loan to secure some cash to live off while a business deal was being sorted. At the same time he inherited some money which would have been enough to pay off the loan and then some. He decided to further invest in this company in the hopes he'd make good on his investment. The deal didn't pay off and no return on investment materialised. We were forced to sell our house to pay off the loan. FWIW the house was his, in his name, I wasn't contributing to mortgage or bills at the time as I was going through several rounds of IVF in the hopes of starting our family.

We are now in private rented accommodation, in a 2 bed flat with 2 preschool age DC and very little prospect of ever being homeowners ever again, especially now as DH is 46.

Am I right to be eternally annoyed at him (I bring it up often, especially in the midst of an argument)? Or should I cut him some slack as he was making the decision in good faith and that this is just life?

For your own sake, and that of your marriage, you need to let this go. He took a risk that didn't work out and used assets which were completely his at the time. You maybe need to think about your long term future, rather than harking back to the past. Also be an active partner, rather than passive. In your position I would seriously think about your future employment - yes, in the short term your wages would be swallowed up by childcare fees, but equally these years would still be useful in getting up the career ladder and increasing your salary. Once the dust has settled with the present situation, I would have thought it will be completely possible for you to buy a house again. You are focusing on your feelings, but how do you think your husband feels? - terrible I would imagine. In your position I would be initiating a no blame approach in depth discussion to clear the air and plot the way forward. You can then begin to rescue the situation you are in, rather than make things worse.

This was 5 years ago, but your 2 children are preschoolers? So you weren’t married, no children and it’s a house you didn’t pay into? You need to move past this. You have chosen to marry him and have children with him since this happened so you are equally responsible for the home those children have now. He made a choice to borrow against the house, and you made the choice to marry him and start a family after this happened. You didn’t pay anything for the house and you aren’t paying anything for the rented flat so what has actually changed for you?

It wasn't "our" house, it was his house. You weren't married and you made no contributions to it. I'm sure you would be reaping the benefits if his investment had paid off. Why didn't you have property? You're not to old for a mortgage.
YABVVU to bring this up often and in the middle of arguments. I'd be seriously thinking about leaving if I was him.

I think you need to take a look at your entitled ness regarding not working. Why can’t you work now ? I get that childcare is expensive but you could be looking at training, further education an apprenticeship so many ways to enhance your earning power so that when your children are at school you will be In a financially enhanced position. Your husband was unlucky business Can be like that if he had succeeded you would be in a different place now. Take control of your own earning potential and plan for your future together.

Let it go. Your bringing it up all the time you're actually dragging him down and impacting your marriage. Do not be surprise when things turn around and your husband is no longer interested, because of the mental toll that you bring him. Losses are part of being self employed as well as wins. What we ould be more helpful is if you actually stopped complaining, sat together and discussed ways to getter your finances together to eventually get that dream home. He's 46, not 99 and even then people are still achieving great things. Help him, don't beat him down constantly.

Ok, so shit happened and now you need to think about how you can improve your life so that you can focus on what will be, rather than what happened.
You are a decade younger than me so you have time to pull this back. Start looking for work and while you are at home see if you can improve your employability skills. I know you can't apply but you can start preparing.
The reason I mention your age is that it is still possible to have a better life.
I'm nearly 50, single and earn buttons but I am study a professional qualification for a shortage profession.

I'm also saving for a house deposit. Slowly. Will I manage it? Who knows but I can either ruminate on the bad hand life dealt me (and my own poor decisions) or I can be positive and have hope. I find that the latter attitude has helped me enormously.

YABVU to bring anything up during an argument 5 years after the fact. I actually couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who did that.

You equally took a huge financial risk at the same time with IVF - with no guarantee of a successful outcome. What’s the difference?

Hindsight is 20/20. If his investment had paid off, presumably you would be quite happy to share the spoils, despite the fact you contributed nothing? Think about that for a minute. You can’t have it both ways.

This doesn’t take away from the fact that it’s tough for you now to deal with outcome. You have my sympathy. But I think you need to accept this now and make solid plans for a financially brighter future - one to which you make an actual contribution.

Whilst I wouldn't be happy with this situation, and I can't see myself in a long term relationship with someone who had such a different attitude to finances to me.
However as much as I wouldn't have made the decisions your husband did, I also wouldn't have made the choices YOU did to be in your situation in the first place.
It was his house from before the relationship and he sold it before you married, therefore nothing to do with you, also you made yourself financially dependent on him long before having children, again not a choice I'd make. You chose to have not one child but two, with the additional cost of IVF knowing you didn't own a property and weren't in a great financial position again your call.
Up I say this as someone with fertility issues who left having children until my mid thirties so my career was well established and I can financially support myself and my child regardless of DH. I certain wouldn't expect him to shoulder all of the financial burden and 100% not before I even had a child, we also decided to stop at one because logistically and financially it makes most sense, given my age we can't really have a long gap between children.
We all make certain sacrifices and we all make choices others won't agree with, we don't all hold it against them for the next five years and bring it up in every argument. YABU.

She shouldn't be forced back to work for her OH's failings!

If they've chosen to set things up so that the DH is the wage-earner, and she isn't, then clearly his choices have caused the family a very big problem.

To hate my husband for selling our house

As other posters say, it was his house not "ours". Give it up, let it go.

I would suggest you do go back to work as soon as you can. You are in a vulnerable position. What if you split, or your DH got sick and couldn't work - where would your income come from? No assets to split, no work history, and a self-employed XH. Not very secure at all.

IVF is an investment. A risky one. If that hadn't worked then what?? Would you be OK with him blaming you forever?

I had 2 small children and for 3.5 years while both were at nursery I effectively cleared about 100 pounds a month after childcare. I still did it though, because I got pension and national insurance contributions, built up continuous service, and continued to build my work reputation.

I don't think you have a right to be angry at him over financial decisions when in terms of financial contributions to the relationship yours have been lacking. In another world, his risk may have paid off and you could have been sitting pretty. It's only hindsight that reveals that his decision was misguided. I think you need to start building your own career.

You need to mourn the life you could have had, but you can do this without troubling your partner further.

Well if you weren’t married and weren’t contributing to the household finances, I’m not sure what say you expected.

His gamble didn’t pay off. But you didn’t provide for the family either by the looks of it.

Get over it and focus on what you can be doing now.

Who paid for the Ivf?

I think you need some counselling / professional help to move past this. In the nicest possible way, you need to grow up a bit and accept the part you had to play in this situation.

Yes you were going through an emotionally difficult time, but you knew what he was doing and you didn't engage with it so your consent to him doing it was implicit, it's not helpful or fair to blame it all on him. It doesn't sound like you're in an abusive relationship where he forced this through without your consent.

So you're both in it together and now need to pull together to get back on the property ladder.

Childcare is a joint cost. Why are you only responsible for it?

'There's worse in life than renting a house, one of which is parents arguing a lot. Another is growing up watching one parent who resents the other.'

This is spot on. I know from personal experience of the latter that it is incredibly corrosive and damaging and that the owned house and middle-class lifestyle don't compensate.

Sometimes you have to let things go. DH, after we'd been together a few years, refused to live in the home I owned because he didn't like the area... for years I was angry with him about that because if he had, we might have been able to buy a family sized home much sooner (we rented it out and bought a smaller place elsewhere when we got married) and there followed a few years where one or the other of us lost out jobs so we were stuck in the flat with two small kids and that made me even more annoyed about it. But I did let it go and realised we had other advantages, like where we were is closer to our families etc.

Yabvu. His house was sold when you were unmarried and childless. After he sold his house, you married him and had two children. It shouldnt be mentioned again.if it bothered you you didnt have to get married and have babies. If you want a house, I would look at training/working and saving. As your DH is paying all outgoings then he must have an income.

I really think you need to spin this around.....renting isnt an awful way of living....i dreamed of owning my own home but the reality its hard.
We have enough to cover the mortgage on a good month. There is loads we need to do to the house but simply cannot afford.
I liked renting for the ease. I feel tied I moved often renting and now I cant just give a months notice and leave.
You can still make youre house a home nice bedding and curtains can make it feel like you're own.

Sorry, this isn't meant to be harsh but....

... do you think that the fact that you were so fixated on IVF made your now DH double down on trying to invest in the company to try to provide for the family? If so, he might have been naive or made bad decisions, but his heart was in the right place. It is a little bit crazy to have gone through the expense of IVF when in such a precarious position, but I understand the emotional pull to have children - can you acknowledge that your decision was also not a very good one from a financial perspective and that both of you decided to put trying to have a family over your finances and security?

Very good point from @Giganticshark - what if he kept bringing up the failed rounds of IVF you risked money on and consequently lost? It'd be awful, wouldn't it? But presumably he doesn't bring it up because you were in it together and you take the rough with the smooth.

From your update, it seems pretty outrageous to rail at him for years about a house that was entirely his, not 'ours', that he brought into the relationship and funded himself and you made no contributions to any bills even before having a family. I also agree that your funds are joint now so the childcare costs is a red herring. If you want a house you have to work for it. Hurling hurtful and wrong-headed accusations at him isn't going to magic up a family home from nowhere. Stop getting at him and envying your friends and put that dissatisfaction into something positive - upskilling, working, and carving out your place in the world. Or lay it all to rest, make your peace with renting and enjoy the family you struggled so hard to get.

Yes and no. It sounds like he made a silly decision but you also sound very passive, presumably putting all the financial pressure on him. How old are you? What do you earn? There are two adults in your family that should be making the decisions and making a mortgage possible. If you're not willing to assist in that beyond thinking childcare is your role it's hard to criticise.

... do you think that the fact that you were so fixated on IVF made your now DH double down on trying to invest in the company to try to provide for the family?
I agree with that. I have friends who were happy to let all decision making about finances and other important matters down to their partners because they were so heavily emotionally involved in the IVF, they didn't have much to give to anything else.

How long has you been livingtogether when he sold the house? It's not very clear how committed as a couple you were at this point.

Was IVF funded on the nhs or did you pay for it? If not, how much was spent on it and where did the money come from?
.ultimately remember that you might not have a house but you have two healthy children and that's priceless. Many infertile couples would give up their house for that.