To hate my husband for selling our house (and we're now renters)

[formerhomeowner]

Not sure where to post this, here or relationships, but help me out and tell me if I'm being unfair/U or perfectly well within my rights to feel this way.

5 years ago my self-employed DH took the decision to take out a loan to secure some cash to live off while a business deal was being sorted. At the same time he inherited some money which would have been enough to pay off the loan and then some. He decided to further invest in this company in the hopes he'd make good on his investment. The deal didn't pay off and no return on investment materialised. We were forced to sell our house to pay off the loan. FWIW the house was his, in his name, I wasn't contributing to mortgage or bills at the time as I was going through several rounds of IVF in the hopes of starting our family.

We are now in private rented accommodation, in a 2 bed flat with 2 preschool age DC and very little prospect of ever being homeowners ever again, especially now as DH is 46.

Am I right to be eternally annoyed at him (I bring it up often, especially in the midst of an argument)? Or should I cut him some slack as he was making the decision in good faith and that this is just life?

So he brought the house into the relationship, he paid the mortgage on it and he personally inherited money? You chose to rely on him financially and not contribute to the household? It sounds like the type of relationship where you trusted him to make the financial decisions.

Give him a break. He probably lives with enough guilt and pain from losing that business, the home and inheritance without you bringing it up every fight. I think he needed your support not your resentment.

He had the courage to take a risk for your family - it didn't pay off. My father chose to expand his business just before the recession in the late 80s/early 90s - it was a total disaster. Our lives changed forever, changed schools, sold our house, no more exotic holidays.

30 years later Dad still sometimes feels the pain - give your husband a break. If my Mum was giving my Dad a hard time like you are I would feel sorry for my Father and upset with my Mom. FYI - My mum doesn't give my Dad a hard time.

I think you should have intervened at the time especially when his inheritance money was used to further invest rather than pay off the loan. But the point is it's done now. Why not concentrate on how you can buy or even rent a more suitable house and look to the future instead of dwelling in the past. Even if it's a long term plan.

OP I have never forgiven my H for having to sell our family home under similar circumstances.

It’s not just the fact we’ll never be homeowners again (although that is hard to deal with) but the complete and utter disregard for mine and the DC’s sense of security, sense of home, emotional equilibrium, all of it.

It is two years since it happened and I still cannot forgive him. I cannot walk past our old house without feeling sick and often avoid the road even though it is a main thoroughfare and adds time on to my journey. I cannot stand to see the new residents living there or the lights on.

I'm 47 with one DC. I'm in the process of buying a small house as an investment. I was actually surprised that I was eligible for a mortgage on my part time salary but a) I had a decent deposit b) it's 2/3 salary of s fairly decent base and c) I've got a continuous employment history (had my one DC while employed, didn't take the full year off). I had IVF as well. It took 5 years and £££ to have our one DC.

I also did all our finances. My response to uncertainty is to spreadsheet the heck out of it.

If your DH is not great with money (or just uninterested) you can take it on. Get advice from an IFA. Get a job. Make a plan. Take the power back!

You say yourself that you were concentrating on the ivf at the time. That was your choice to put that first. It is possible to work and contribute financially while having ivf (been there myself.)

I think you need to remember clearly that it wasn’t “our” house as per your thread title. You were only dating, you weren’t working and none of the house was paid for by you. Therefore it was his to do with as he pleases.

If you really wanted to own, you could have stopped after one child and returned to work and had a second later on.

Your H pursued an agenda, but you had choices at all stages and have some responsibility for the decisions. You didn’t “have to” do anything. You now, understandably, regret this.

Understandable to be annoyed with him, but also reflect on your own responsibility and choices.

Is this reverse? Your OP language suggests you do think you’re being UR.

Fact is - if the risk has paid off, you wouldn’t be annoyed. The risk didn’t pay off, and you’re annoyed

I meant to add that I've been lucky for sure but if I had been unlucky, I would be most unhappy if DH moaned, especially repeatedly, as he takes zero interest in financial planning and does no paperwork except for his own interests (but to be fair has held down a decent job the entire time we've been together).

It sounds to me like this wasn't a family home, but belonged to him and you moved in with him. So it was his to do what he wanted with.
You were more than happy to let him pay for everything whilst you spent your money on IVF. He invested his money in a business venture that failed, you invested yours in a procedure that also could have failed, and you chose to do this without the security of a joint home. He's still supporting you financially because you choose not to work.
The bit about childcare costs is just an excuse I'm afraid. If you worked, the cost of childcare would come out of joint income. Plus by the time both children start school, you'll possibly be earning much more than you will earn if you wait several years.
Did you have your own home when you met your DH?

You need to stop berating him for a decision he made, you'd be very upset if he did the same with you for deciding to pay for IVF and not work, wouldn't you?

I'd be so upset, but if he was the only one financially contributing then it's up to him. I personally wouldn't of continued with ivf without the security of owning my home and wouldn't of been happy with him taking such a risk - I think you should of both communicated about finances better

Financial investments, or even just going on and off the property ladder, are not perfect decisions and what looked sensible at the time can look really not sensible years later. I have pushed for a couple of decisions which in hindsight weren't great at all and led to us coming off the property ladder, my husband has also made a few along the way. We are back on again now, you will get other opportunities potentially even if it is to buy a small flat and rent it out as a security for your older age.

You sound like you haven't worked for many years though so you are going to have fewer options and not a high salary on returning as someone who worked at least part-time during this period- it may be worth getting back in the workplace asap now, even with childcare costs.

The things that have helped us come to terms with some of the bad decisions is no-one did them on purpose, we do mention them but try not to argue, accept the past is in the past, and actively work to make our financial situation better right now.

No reason you cannot get a 15 year mortgage in a couple of years time once you're back at work, depending on what you both do. You could look at moving to a less expensive area or changing careers to more lucrative ones.
~
What plans have you in place to resume your career / change career to a more lucrative one and actually earn more money, and how are you going to make savings for a deposit?

Well I think I would be annoyed too but if you don’t get past this and make a plan for the future, this could be a bad thing for your relationship. You say you have two children now ( congrats) so you were successful in your journey at that time. If you regard this as a winner it may make you feel better. But make a new plan perhaps to get a new place if you can. Try not to bottle up resentment if you want this relationship to last. Good luck.

Well the money you've spent on IVF whilst not working could have been spent towards a deposit? Your desire for two children in quick succession has also contributed to your current financial situation.
Stop bringing it up in arguments. Become a team. Enjoy what your money HAS allowed you to buy

You need to let this go. He took the decision against his own house in good faith. Maybe some of the faith was misguided, but he was trying to make his business work, he didn’t gamble it all away. Are you working too? Is the reason you can’t buy because you have a bad credit rating?

I think it's a great idea to view the IVF as the risky decision that came off. So you mutually made two risky decisions and one came off and one didn't. Would you rather own a house and not have your DC? That's definitely a more helpful way to view it.

If he hid it from you/did it against your wishes then YANBU, honestly if my husband did that against my wishes I’d probably divorce him.
However if he had your support at the time and he was honest and the deal just went bad, it sucks but you have to support through the good and bad times, you can’t just pick and choose when you want to stand by him.

Either way I’m sorry you’re in this situation and I can understand why you’d be feeling annoyed, especially at the moment, but try to move on, even if it’s just for the sake of your own mental health. Harbouring anger for years can and will take a toll on a person!

nearly 3 years ago DH and I moved from a mortgaged home to rented due to financial issues. It did benefit us as we moved from a small mid terrace to a larger detached for not much more money but at the time it was incredibly hard. I can imagine it is even harder for you I guess you moved from a family sized home to whatever was available at the time.

I think a lot of this frustration isn't necessarily just born out of the financial aspect but the feeling that your home is not really your own and is probably a lot smaller than you would like with 2 young children. Especially right now when you are living in a flat and limited as to how much time you can spend out of it.

Personally, I would have to let it go. But I would also be looking at other rental properties which would be more suitable for a young family. Even if it means moving slightly out of the area - we moved villages and DH travels slightly further to work, but not much. when we walked into this house, both DH and I said it felt like home, before we had even stepped past the hall.

As for current renovations and decorating, we love command strips in our house. Every picture that wasn't hung on an existing nail has been put up with these. When you removed them they don't leave a mark. It has meant we have been able to put up all our treasured pictures and even added some more! Which definitely makes a house feel like home.

Don't rule out owning your own home again. You may never pay off a mortgage but it is possible to get them. My in-laws still have a mortgage in their 80's due to their own circumstances many years ago. It will never be paid off... But their home is their own and that is what was important to them.

It sounds like you opted out of the financial side of the relationship. Could you try to work out some sort of plan together.

You're unreasonable to be throwing it back at him everytime you argue. You chose to prioritise having two children over a career and it's partially why you don't have more income now to be able to afford a house, you're as much to blame for your situation in some respects.

Is your problem that you got together with him for his money and the home he could offer you and he no longer has that?

It does read like you have a very 1950s mind set op that he should be providing for you. Even before marriage and kids. Yet you don’t explain any financial security you had, as a woman in her thirties, unmarried, I’m assuming no home of their own.

It is not all on him. If you switch it round, he likely has equal right to be angry that you have not contributed for many years and expected him to do it all then have the gall to tell him it’s not good enough, when he’s paying for the roof over your head, the clothes on your back and the food in your stomach.

YABU. Really.
Few points.
Am I right to be eternally annoyed at him That's understandable, however, these things simply happen in business.
I bring it up often, especially in the midst of an argument Really shitty thing to do and if partner kept doing this to me, they would be an ex partner.
I was naive and going through hell emotionally with IVF and miscarriages so didn't question his decisions You were BOTH going through that. It's not just you. Plus. Naive?

Have you actually contributed financially at all during your relationship? It doesn't sound like. Which means he had the burden of thinking about how to make enough money to feed both of you and future children. I loath the "I was naive" excuses many come out with when it comes to money. You personally were in your 30s. I am not saying that you should have known ins and outs of the business of course, but you should have want to be part of family budgeting and future planning like any responsible adult.

You are both at fault.

You definitely need to let it go! And take some responsibility for your own house!

You're angry about decisions he made about his business, his house and his inheritance - but where's your house? Where's your job?

You've actively chosen to have two children while living in rented and decided not to work (which is all fine btw) but now you're regretting your decisions and bringing up something your DH did 5 years ago to blame.