To hate my husband for selling our house (and we're now renters)

[formerhomeowner]

Not sure where to post this, here or relationships, but help me out and tell me if I'm being unfair/U or perfectly well within my rights to feel this way.

5 years ago my self-employed DH took the decision to take out a loan to secure some cash to live off while a business deal was being sorted. At the same time he inherited some money which would have been enough to pay off the loan and then some. He decided to further invest in this company in the hopes he'd make good on his investment. The deal didn't pay off and no return on investment materialised. We were forced to sell our house to pay off the loan. FWIW the house was his, in his name, I wasn't contributing to mortgage or bills at the time as I was going through several rounds of IVF in the hopes of starting our family.

We are now in private rented accommodation, in a 2 bed flat with 2 preschool age DC and very little prospect of ever being homeowners ever again, especially now as DH is 46.

Am I right to be eternally annoyed at him (I bring it up often, especially in the midst of an argument)? Or should I cut him some slack as he was making the decision in good faith and that this is just life?

Well, it's not healthy to hold onto this resentment. It's done now.

It's how you move forward that you can control. If you let it go, and I mean properly let it go, would it improve your life?

If you leave him because you can't get over it, would it improve your life?

Or, a different way, what would improve your life? Because whatever it is, make it a goal and work towards it.

Sounds tough. I get why you're pissed off. But you can't stay stuck in pissed off ville forever.

It wasn't the best decision on his part but I'm sure he did it with the best of intentions on his part.

If you feel strongly about owning your own home then you need to plan to go back to work to help with the finances

@ellanwood, the OP says
At the time the decision was made not to pay back the loan I wasn't privy to any of his finances and didn't really have a say.

That tells me the decision wasn’t a joint one.

Why on earth don't you get a job and earn enough money to get a house? Some of the women on here, honestly! It's like you live in the 50's! Get a job!

So you’ve chosen to go ahead and have two children in an uncertain financial situation? It seems as if you are both risk-takers. Did you have a reasonable income or savings before you started IVF, or has he been the cash-flow?
Did he not involve you with the full details of his decisions because he thought you had nothing to contribute, or was he understanding ‘the hell you were going through’ told you and you went along with it because you didn’t want to know more.
And yes, let the resentment go, it won’t miraculously change your situation for the better. Unless you want a divorce.

OP if you were trying for ivf I'd assume you were already committed to each other? Even if you had seperate finances if you didn't say anything to him then I'm so sorry but you could have. As everyone said it's too late to do anything except let it go or let it ruin what you do have-your relationship

Sorry I should have said we weren't married at the time of selling the house. But we had suffered several miscarriages and underwent IVF. DH was already in his 40s so wanted to get cracking (me too! I was in my 30s). We married when I was pregnant with DC1.

@ScissorsBike because I have 2 young DC and my entire wage would go on childcare. I'm planning to return to work once DC at school.

I sympathise but if this all happened before you were married, where were your financial security plans? How is this all on him? How can you move forward - Could you go back to work and start saving for a deposit?

@scissorsbike may have said it in a blunt way but she's entirely correct.

Your wages would potentially be eaten up by childcare yes, but consider how it will affect your earning capacity by being out of the job market for several years.

However, having children was a choice, and with IVF, an even more expensive one.

We chose to stick to one child because we would have financially struggled to have any more close together and by the time we'd get gov support, I'd be too old to go through that again!

I just don't understand why men are expected to build their careers to be the major earner, but someone suggests women work to build theirs so they're in a fit financial position to have children, it's received with a negative response.

If you live in a part of the country where housing is eye wateringly expensive, then you have touch choices. Either work really hard on your career or have children and perhaps sacrifice home ownership. Or move somewhere where property isnt as expensive.

So are you in your 30s now? Why can't you get a mortgage - you would have more than enough time to pay it off.

Someone who makes bad financial decisions through greed, recklessness, lack of thought, over-confidence, lack of care is a unattractive quality in a partner. My father made terrible financial decisions because he refused to think, consider other opinions, be sensible, and it was very frustrating to watch as a child and young adult.

Someone who happens to have bad luck is obviously blameless. But unless extreme circumstances (like a pandemic!) , someone in a good financial position wouldn't normally lose their home just through bad luck as they wouldn't usually put all their eggs in one basket. I have an extended family member who lost their home through greed and over-confidence - over-extending themselves with a plan that they couldn't fail. They would say they were just unlucky, but a sensible person wouldn't have put themselves in that position. I would say that generally they make questionable decisions in other areas of their life too, not just money.

What you do about it now is the question. Does he see that he made a risky decision in the past? Does he make better decisions now?

Unfortunately it sounds like YABU, especially if you weren’t married at the time and had no children together. As annoying as it can be to watch other people fixing their houses up, DH didn’t intentionally lose the house, and he’s probably equally annoyed about it. Throwing it back in his face every time you argue is BU especially as it wasn’t your house or your inheritance, so you’re not necessarily the one who’s lost something they’ve invested a lot in - decisions were made at the time with DH’s personal finances/assets, in good faith that they would pay off. Cut the man some slack.

It depends. If he refused to tell you financial information or hid things from you, that is very bad behaviour in a relationship.

But if you left the financial decisions to him, and didn't take an interest, then it's really unfair to blame him when things didn't work out. Hindsight is 20/20.

Either way, continually bringing up a past mistake is no way to live! Seems like you have both learned from it, so unless there are more things you need to change, it's time to let it go.

Where were you living before you met dh?

You weren’t married and had no children together, and you weren’t working to contribute.. it was his house to do as he liked with!

Be annoyed at the situation, not him. Also never be financially beholden to anyone.

As his poor decisions are still adversely affecting your life now, I can totally see why it's still irritating you.

However, it's done and there's nothing that anyone can do to change what he did then. So there's not much point constantly throwing it in his face UNLESS he starts talking about making more dangerous investments, in which case have at him!

It IS very annoying, I get it. Financial insecurity is one of my biggest fears, and I'd be so angry that he did that solo while you were going through some very emotional times. But if you plan to stay together, you can't be going on about it all the time.

It's frustrating as you're reminded every day by the situation you're in, but with all the love in the world it's definitely time to move on. It was a mistake, all be it a very costly one but a mistake all the same. You have two beautiful healthy children who have a roof over their head that you went through hell to have.

I do think you should consider a job though, I know childcare is expensive (how old are your children? You may receive some free childcare hours) but at this point it's not about the money, as long as you're not going to be worse off, it's about filling up that CV so you can get those good well paid jobs quicker. If you start when your children are at school people will have a few years experience on top of you. Alternatively look into retraining, your local college may do night course's or the open university? You're not utilising your current situation to your advantage.

If it will help sit down with your husband and work out a plan going forward in terms of jobs and finances and buying houses etc. Working towards a shared goal is far easier than you both just stewing with each other. And FWIW we didn't have children at the time but we saved a good amount for a deposit in 18mo bought a lovely home with no chain and were in 8 weeks later, better things are coming

You weren't married, had no children, you weren't working....it was his house to do with as he wished!
You can't moan about now renting when you were not a home owner in the first place anyway. He was. Not you.
Stop relying on a man. Get a job. He would have to contribute to the the childcare as well, not just you.

Get a job, make your own career and see how easy it is to earn ££££

Then buy a house

To accept your DH is solely responsible for income, yet constantly throwing past decisions in his face must be grinding him down. Who wants to live with a negative partner like that?!

You’re meant to be a team

I think YABVU too. You weren’t working (most people don’t not work whilst TTC first child) and he made what decisions he did at the time with his salary and inheritance. I’d be very cross if DH had let me financially cover all his costs then moaned about money/financial decisions.

If you want to home own, look at finding work to help with finances. Not to late at 46 to get a mortgage.

The arguments and dragging it all up don’t seem good though, sooner or later he may decide he’s had enough of being berated for it.

Thanks everyone. You're right, I need to let this go - it's been a long time now. It's hard to see everyone doing home renovations or DIY etc when I can't even put a picture on the wall without clearing it with the landlord

Get command strips if it's a painted wall. The picture will come right off without any damage.

YABVU. It’s really selfish and very hurtful of you to being it up so often, especially during arguments.

He’s not going to be happy his risk didn’t pay off and his wife being unsupportive both then and now (as you said you just didn’t want to deal with it then, whatever the reason) must be awful for him. He must feel so alone.

I actually think you’re being really cruel.

You've been holding on to resentment and bringing it up in arguments for five years?? YABU, you need to let this go. It's a crap situation, but you can't change the past - it's not helping anyone to keep being angry about it. Focus on what can be done to improve your current situation, make sure you make joint decisions about finances, and be more risk averse.

^This is mostly what I think too. We fell off the property ladder due to two things- my work moving me abroad and the economic crisis pushing rent values below our mortgage so we had to sell the house at a loss of £65k (out of pocket). We did get back on when I took money from my pension (paid the tax penalties) and bought a much smaller house. Disasters like this can happen. He was not gambling the money or doing anything obviously stupid.

FWIW you may still be able to buy - we bought a couple of years ago when I was 46 and DH was 53, with a 5% deposit (although the amount we're paying monthly for a shorter mortgage is shocking - but will get easier).