To hate my husband for selling our house (and we're now renters)

[formerhomeowner]

Not sure where to post this, here or relationships, but help me out and tell me if I'm being unfair/U or perfectly well within my rights to feel this way.

5 years ago my self-employed DH took the decision to take out a loan to secure some cash to live off while a business deal was being sorted. At the same time he inherited some money which would have been enough to pay off the loan and then some. He decided to further invest in this company in the hopes he'd make good on his investment. The deal didn't pay off and no return on investment materialised. We were forced to sell our house to pay off the loan. FWIW the house was his, in his name, I wasn't contributing to mortgage or bills at the time as I was going through several rounds of IVF in the hopes of starting our family.

We are now in private rented accommodation, in a 2 bed flat with 2 preschool age DC and very little prospect of ever being homeowners ever again, especially now as DH is 46.

Am I right to be eternally annoyed at him (I bring it up often, especially in the midst of an argument)? Or should I cut him some slack as he was making the decision in good faith and that this is just life?

Did you buy the house together, or did he already have it when you met?

*Get a friggin job yourself!!!

Why should she? They've taken a view that the DP will be responsible for income.*

@thedancingbear - because she's not happy with his income and wants to buy a house. Hence they need more money than his income provides. (also we don't know they've taken that view at all. she's never contributed to the mortgage/rent/bills before DC or since, and is not in fact a 'formerhomeowner' at all).

It sounds like a crappy situation to be in, but you're as responsible for it as he is. Why weren't you working whilst going through IVF if you couldn't afford not to be, which it sounds like? I haven't earned money for some years myself, as I was working for a Christian charity on a voluntary basis, and still am now as a mum to my school aged adopted DDs when I can.

The difference is that I can afford it. I had my own flat when my DH and I married so I was able to contribute to the cost of a 3 bedroom detached house.

I have my own disappointments, though. I never wanted to be a SAHM and not to earn again. But my DD1 (now 11) has adoption related attachment issues and SEN, so finding a job was too tricky when DD2 (now 8) first started school became impossible because of all her appointments. Then my own mental health broke down following years of PTSD because of my childhood memories of the SA swamping me and leaving me now with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

I strongly advise you not to wait until both your DC are in school. You may not earn anything much but it will get you started again. Or at least take on voluntary work in a field where you would like to find paid work eventually. Another thing you can do would be to do further studying so give yourself more of a chance of getting a job later.

Meanwhile, stop going on at your DH about his past mistakes. Eventually he'll decide he's had enough and leave you, or throw in your face the fact that you haven't contributed to the finances in many years.

So he'd worked, saved, invested in a house, chose to use the equity to invest in the hopes of earning more money.

In contrast you didn't have a house with equity in, haven't worked for many years and don't intend to until the children go to school, still don't contribute anything.

Yet you blame him for the fact you're renting and bring it up over and over?

OP, hope you're still here and reading the responses as MOST are helpful and good (ignore the idiots).

let it go. Please stop throwing it at him in arguments. He probably feels terrible about it too.

Your user name says you are a former home owner, but you’re not. I don’t think your attitude is fair.

As others have said it’s too late to be annoyed about this now. You should have stuck your nose in at the time if you were married or engaged. Need to move on with it if you can.

Even though your whole salary would go on childcare right now, you are much more likely to to be on a higher salary by the time the first goes to school. The longer you’re out of the labour market, the further your earning power drops. You would also be building a pension if working.

@user1470132907 also, by not working she's classed as an additional dependant on a mortgage application which will limit what they can borrow. So there's plenty more the OP could be doing to improve her situation. But much easier to blame others.

I can't even put a picture on the wall without clearing it with the landlord.

Find a better rental. This isn't usual. I've rented for years and the only place that was like that, I left after 6 months.

I think you need to let it go. It was bad luck that his investment in business didn't pay off, but your investment in IVF clearly did pay off. You might not own your own home, but you do have a home. Plenty of people never own their own home, nothing wrong with that. Focus on the positives in your life

If you had come on here at the time and asked ‘is my boyfriend being unreasonable to do what he likes with his own house and inheritance ‘ the answer would have been no. It was his house, his money, you weren’t contributing, you weren’t his wife and at that point you weren’t the mother of his children. If you felt property ownership was essential you needed to be an active participant in making that happen.

YABU.

YABVU - you married him in your current financial situation. He had already lost his house so to be throwing it in his face now is ridiculous.

I agree with other posters about getting a job. If you're not happy with your financial situation, change it.

It was his house! You can’t reasonably hate him or be angry at him for selling his own house, that you had contributed nothing to before you were married and there were no children to support. You chose to continue trying for children in the situation you were in, and it doesn’t sound like you paid anything for that either despite it costing a lot of money. And now you think it’s ok to attack him in arguments because he hasn’t provided you with a free house. Honestly, that’s awful behaviour and you should sincerely apologise. As well as maybe showing some gratitude for everything he’s done to support you and provide you with the children you wanted.

He decided to further invest in this company in the hopes he'd make good on his investment. The deal didn't pay off and no return on investment materialised.

This..

It was a business decision, sometimes you get lucky sometimes not bin there dun that and got lucky! Fortunatly.

Sod of a problem for you OP but you'll have to let it go, or you go and leave him?

Or you bury the hatchet and work together towards a better future its bloody hard work sometimes but I know people who have done that!

Can you say, JOOI what sort of business it was at all?.

Ah I can see why it's stressful to be renting when you consider there was a mortgaged house at one point. But, he sounds like he didn't squander the money, he invested in the hopes of improving not just his life but you and your joint children once the IVF was successful.

You still have a roof over your heads and two children who were clearly desperately wanted. He's still providing enough income for you to be a SAHM - something many people can't afford. I really would try to focus on that.

There is more here to him just pouring that money down the sink. I really think you should read the book ‘too good to leave too good to stay.

He made some really bad financial fuck ups when he was preparing to start a family. To through good money after bad was stupid. He should have done an IVA so he was able to keep the house.

I couldn’t stay with some one that was so reckless with money.

To add to my previous post, when I said technically pp's are right you could have bailed out of the relationship, I meant to add there's more to a relationship than the technicalities! It's not always that clear cut. Also, If he didn't discuss it with you then, yes he should have at least done that. If he was hell bent on selling the house whether you liked it or not, then that possibly translates to you that he doesn't care about your feelings. Maybe the part of it that's annoying you is the fact it wasn't necessary because he could have used the inheritance. As what's happened has happened you should learn from it and think about where you want all this to go. It does appear that your earning power is not going to be great, so you'll have to rely on him, someone else or the benefit system. Apart from the fact you would rather own your own home, would you be happy so long as he's providing you with accommodation? Is it about home ownership or is it really about him/your relationship. You have to honestly ask yourself what it really is that's bothering you, or you won't know the answer. Do you in time want to be a self sufficient woman (you are young enough to achieve it) or do you want to rely on a man. Although today alot of women are financial equals, but there are also alot who wouldn't have what they have alone, but they are in good long term relationships with a good understanding on both sides about what each are bringing to the table. If you want your marriage to work you will have to get past this. What does he have to say about it?

C8H1 they weren't married.

You are right, I missed the follow up. However my point stands wrt parental responsibility. Who the hell risks their DC future security without so much as a discussion?

I've been in the DH position and with a partner who was too unwell to meaningfully participate in any kind of financial discussion. I had to take some risks but the boundary always had to be at worst case my family would still have a roof over their heads.

Also the attitude that a father or father to be has no responsibility to his partner because they are not legally married and the assumption that women's work is of no valuue is another reason why women need the legal protection of marriage when they have children.

I'd also like to see more women maintaining their footing in the workplace but that requires men to do their share as well.

Throw**

I feel so sorry for you op, it is horrible that this happened to you. However you need to look forward not back. Can you cut back on outgoings to try to save for a deposit?

7 years ago my son was in debt and had considered suicide as he couldn’t see a way forward. His money draining partner had left, as she had sucked dry an inheritance he had and then realised that another inheritance, she thought she would get her hands on (which she had already earmarked for an expensive holiday and her new car, instead of paying off his debt), was actually under my control (I know, sounds bad).

My son and I sat down and had an honest and frank discussion. He moved home and I helped him work out his finances. The inheritance was used to pay off his debt. He learned to save (something I had tried to get him to do, throughout his teenage years, without success) and stick to a budget. Now he has his own house and is debt free (apart from a mortgage), something he never thought would be possible.

The ideal time to cut back is now when your children are so young. It isn’t easy, but I am a believer in that if you want something enough and are willing to fight for it, most (reasonable) things are possible.

C8H10N4O2 I agree.

This is all very unusual. You 'hate' him because he sold HIS house when you were not married and had no children? I take it he owned this home before he met you? You chose to opt out of contributing financially but 'hate' him for then not doing what you wanted with his money?

You continued the plan to have children with this man regardless, you could have walked at that point. You stayed but now drag this up at every opportunity and hate him?

This is very toxic op. I hope he doesn't throw the IVF/you not working back in your face in the same way.

Who the hell risks their DC future security without so much as a discussion?

There weren't any DC at this stage.

I had to take some risks but the boundary always had to be at worst case my family would still have a roof over their heads

The family have a roof over their heads. He was finding the OP's life before they married and had children and he earns enough to support a SAHM and two children. He made some poor financial decisions but it doesn't sound like they're destitute.

Also the attitude that a father or father to be has no responsibility to his partner because they are not legally married and the assumption that women's work is of no valuue is another reason why women need the legal protection of marriage when they have children.

No one has said that women's work has no value. People have just pointed out that she hasn't worked or contributed financially for years. If owning a home is important she needs to prioritise going back to work. To throw their financial situation in his face every time they argue is beyond unreasonable considering he has been funding her life since before they even had children.