To hate my husband for selling our house (and we're now renters)

[formerhomeowner]

Not sure where to post this, here or relationships, but help me out and tell me if I'm being unfair/U or perfectly well within my rights to feel this way.

5 years ago my self-employed DH took the decision to take out a loan to secure some cash to live off while a business deal was being sorted. At the same time he inherited some money which would have been enough to pay off the loan and then some. He decided to further invest in this company in the hopes he'd make good on his investment. The deal didn't pay off and no return on investment materialised. We were forced to sell our house to pay off the loan. FWIW the house was his, in his name, I wasn't contributing to mortgage or bills at the time as I was going through several rounds of IVF in the hopes of starting our family.

We are now in private rented accommodation, in a 2 bed flat with 2 preschool age DC and very little prospect of ever being homeowners ever again, especially now as DH is 46.

Am I right to be eternally annoyed at him (I bring it up often, especially in the midst of an argument)? Or should I cut him some slack as he was making the decision in good faith and that this is just life?

Get a friggin job yourself!!!

Not sure why you were going through expensive IVF treatments if there were money issues (that money could have been spent on mortgage/loans/new house deposit) and why you would want to start a family (expensive) if again there were money issues and you were 'forced' to sell your home. Having 2 small children in rented accomodation must be tough financially if you want to buy a new home, but it sounds like you both made this choice so YABVU.

It does sound as if you chose to turn a blind eye at the time in pursuit of your dream to have children. Was this a shared goal or did he perhaps go along with this and not want to share his financial burden, if your money was funding it. It is not too late to turn this around but your choice to stay at home with preschoolers is not necessarily in your best interest financially or emotionally. There are jobs and courses you can do from home, especially in the current cv situation, your dc will get free childcare hours before starting school, use this time to upskill, work pt or volunteer. You and h have another 25-30 working years ahead. Short term could you move to a larger property, maybe in a cheaper area?

You have admitted yourself that you were very distracted by the IVF process so maybe he felt he couldn't burden you with financial decisions or you weren't interested. Also, you have been financially dependent on him for a long time now so it's definitely find to think about how to get back into the workplace, especially as you don't trust him with finances.

However you look at it, what's find is done and it was done a long time ago. Bringing it up in arguments now is unreasonable. You will be even further from being a homeowner if he gets fed up with it and asks for a divorce.

Sorry,find = done

Nrtft, so not sure if you have mentioned it, but has your husband got any intention do you think of buying another property? If not, I think this is what is really annoying you now. For example, if he was, presumably you would be happy? Technically the other pp's are right that you weren't married and childless at the time, so you had the option to bail out. He's probably either a bit irresponsible with money and just doesn't think, or is it really the fact you think he didn't care about securing YOUR financial future, and any subsequent children. If he's generally irresponsible with money you probably won't like that in the years to come. It is still possible for him to get another mortgage. I don't know what the answer is only that for your marriage to work you've got to put this behind you and work on the future. How does he feel about it all?

Get a friggin job yourself!!!

Why should she? They've taken a view that the DP will be responsible for income.

I understand the frustration and resentment OP.
When we were younger DH made several bad financial decisions that resulted in us both getting in to debt (his from his decisions, mine from keeping us afloat).
When we finally sat down and laid the finances bare, the situation was dire and I blamed him 100% for it. It caused a lot of rows for a long time BUT we've sorted things out.

I have accepted some responsibility for the mess as I was so passive, I didn't question anything and I paid no attention to the decisions he was making. I have also accepted that while decisions were a bit stupid, he wasn't trying to get us into trouble, he was doing his best with limited experience.

OP, either you need to decide this resentment is too much or you need to forgive him for the mistake he made. If you forgive him it means not bringing it up again, and you may need counselling to work through your feelings so you can do that.
You also need to make a plan together for your financial future (it's taken us 8 years but we're just about in a position to buy a house)!

This is why women should always retain financial independence.

Are you annoyed to be angry that your dh lost a lot of money in failed business investments? No. That's a big fat no from me. And even if you weren't married at the time you were in a committed relationship so you should have been part of the decision making process. Then you could have shouldered the fall-out equally.

However, years have passed and you can't stay married to someone you resent so much forever. Remember the for richer for poorer vow? If not, and you can't move on, then maybe you'd be happier apart?

I haven't read everything but if this annoyed you so much you should have left at the time, it's not fair to keep banging on about mistakes from the past, I know you said your children are preschoolers but how old exactly? If your eldest is 3 you will likely be eligible for the free childcare hours, so childcare fees for one child will not eat up a whole wage so getting a job may be a good idea depending on both your wages you may also be eligible for universal credit.
Being a sahm is a luxury that many cannot afford, if you want your own home then both of you need to work towards this, even if you work evenings or weekends and cover your own childcare in shifts.

You're putting an awful lot of this responsibility on him. Did you also own a house when your started dating? It was his house, you never contributed financially, it was his inheritance. You're annoyed you didn't get to benefit from money that he already had when you married. I'm annoyed my husband didn't have a million quid when we married but that's life. And now you're still blaming him that you cant afford to buy a house while you've made the decision not to work. Get a job that fits round his hours and contribute if you're so worried about finances. Can't believe you're still holding it against him that he didn't give you a free house.

So he gambled away both his family's home security as well as his own inheritance without discussing it with you?

I would struggle to live with that. I think most people would. Gambling his inheritance away is arguably up to him but your home and security should not have been risked without a proper discussion.

You probably need someone with whom you can talk it through and share all the details. Then work out if this is something you can actually get past or if you need to plan for a future apart rather than living on forever with this hanging over you.

Thedancingbear, yes they made that decision together but sounds like she doesn't trust him to make financial decisions. And here's yes another woman who's financially dependent on a man and feels hard done by.

A similar thing happened to us. We had a business which was basically a non starter. I kept trying to get my DH to cut loose and he wouldn't. We ended up losing our home as we couldn't manage and was personally liable for a lot of debts. This was 2 years ago.

I worked hard to get my house and felt annoyed and frustrated. However, we both now work hard at paying off the debts which will be gone by the end of the year. We were tempted to go bankrupt but I did not want to.

We will be in a position to start saving for a deposit again early next year. We are both 47 as well but determined to still buy. Luckily we both fell into good jobs.

It happened, put it in the past and as long as you are both on the same page moving forward then let it go. However, I will never ever take any more financial risks and I have taken control of finances.
Slow and steady. You will get there!

@thedancingbear where does it say he actually agreed to be solely responsible for their income?

It was his house, you never contributed financially

Where do you get that from? They were married. Its irrelevant which salary paid the mortgage and which paid the IVF fees both were contributing to what is contractually a joint pot.

Who the hell risks their DC security without even a discussion?

It's really hard as I have always worked and been financially independent. We both had our own properties.
I was made redundant in my mid 30s with two pre school children but managed to find work again.
It's hard with two sets of childcare, but I never once thought I had the luxury of not working.
If you want these things then please go out and get them yourself.

If you are only in your 30s then I would suggest you aim to move into the workforce.

Yabu. You really should start looking to get at least a part time job / training if your not happy with your current lifestyle. I feel quite sorry for your DH.

I am sorry this has happened to you but it’s toxic for both you and you as a couple and your kids to hold on to this. Leave him if you need to - but regardless of whether you stayed or left you would need to draw a line in the sand and leave it in the past.

C8H1 they weren't married.

You need to let this go. It happened 5 years ago. You could have spent the last 5 years putting plans in place to get back on the property ladder but it has been wasted. Work together to make a plan, it will likely involve you going back to work but if you really want to own property again then you will make it work. You won't have pre school children forever.

I suggest you stop being a passive participant in the family finances. You need to be equally responsible for them, and make a positive plan (with him) to get back on the property ladder.

I acknowledge you have 2 pre-schoolers. How many years until they're both in school?

• What's your plan when they're school age? Do you have a particular job in mind? Or is there a different job that might have better prospects? You need something where the wage will rise rapidly with experience to help with your mortgage application. What do you have to do to qualify for that line of work? Is there studying that you can do over the next few years? Or some relevant volunteering?

• Why is it only you who is taking the hit for childcare? Why don't you and your DH both work PT and both do PT childcare? That would enable you to start getting some work experience under your belt. It depends on the wage disparity between the two of you, of course.

• Why not look around for a weekend job? It would give you something for your CV, get some additional funds coming in, and give your DH time with the kids at weekends ;)

formerhomeowner - obviously yabu to “hate” your dh for this. He didn’t do it to ruin your life and you were both financially irresponsible, anyway - you for having no interest in what he was doing financially and wanting/expecting no input, and him for taking big, stupid risks that lost you the family home without discussing it with you. You’ve fixed your lack of interest in the family finances and presumably have both learned a salutary lesson from this.
As a matter of interest, do you think you would have been able to forgive him if his risk had paid off? Because that would be hugely hypocritical of you, if you cannot forgive him when his risks don't pay off.

YABVU to keep bringing it up as you've clearly realised. Good to hear your finances are more open now.

If a house is that important to you, draw up a plan on how to achieve this. I know several mums who stay home in the day and then work nights and weekends for extra cash. You could also use this time to retrain part-time. The important thing is to draw a line on the past and work together for this shared goal. Good luck!