To hate my husband for selling our house (and we're now renters)

[formerhomeowner]

Not sure where to post this, here or relationships, but help me out and tell me if I'm being unfair/U or perfectly well within my rights to feel this way.

5 years ago my self-employed DH took the decision to take out a loan to secure some cash to live off while a business deal was being sorted. At the same time he inherited some money which would have been enough to pay off the loan and then some. He decided to further invest in this company in the hopes he'd make good on his investment. The deal didn't pay off and no return on investment materialised. We were forced to sell our house to pay off the loan. FWIW the house was his, in his name, I wasn't contributing to mortgage or bills at the time as I was going through several rounds of IVF in the hopes of starting our family.

We are now in private rented accommodation, in a 2 bed flat with 2 preschool age DC and very little prospect of ever being homeowners ever again, especially now as DH is 46.

Am I right to be eternally annoyed at him (I bring it up often, especially in the midst of an argument)? Or should I cut him some slack as he was making the decision in good faith and that this is just life?

There weren't any DC at this stage.

The OP was going through IVF after multiple miscarriages, but the DF has no responsibility to think about his DC security?

The family have a roof over their heads

Oh come on, a rented flat in the UK is not in the same league of security as being an owner occupier. Tenants have little to no security under the current law, unless you consider it "secure" to be in a situation where you can be given a couple of months notice to pack the family bags and get out.

No one has said that women's work has no value. People have just pointed out that she hasn't worked or contributed financially for years

You are proving my point. You are ascribing zero value to the years she has been caring for the DC. The OP hasn't said one way or the other if she was a lady of leisure for years before having the DC.

I personally would have walked away if he did this but inhavestrong views on finance.

Ultimately you didn't, you chose to stay and you chose to have 2 children with him. You did this knowing what he'd done so you need to let it go.

is any of the money left from the sale of the house?If there is than that can be used as a deposit - if not consider shared ownership (which can be staircased to complete ownership over time or move to a cheaper area to buy a house that can be renovated extended over time & resold & so on. A successful marriage is based on deliberate bad memory -he made a major mistake from which he has learned & you have safeguarded from happening again - you need to get past this.
I think people have missed out on the fact that your anger is based on loosing trust & security. But you still have a home & you now have joint finances you have to stop taking it out on him it will destroy your relationship.

Whilst your frustration is totally understandable, you really do need to let go and make a plan as a team for the future. The flip side can be an issue too....I have blocked several of my DH’s attempts to upscale his company because they put us at too high a financial risk....even though there are grants and outside investments that have been awarded too...he sometimes feels that I’ve ruined his dream...I know that I’m protecting our families security. The trick is to openly talk so that you can appreciate each other’s views and not let it destroy your future. Good luck💐

You are ascribing zero value to the years she has been caring for the DC.

This is not what is being said. It's the OP who is dissatisfied and wants a house like her friends. We can value her SAHM role immensely while still accepting the fact that it won't get her a mortgage or buy her a home. If she wants financial gain, she has to work in a role that pays money. It's that simple. The DH's role pays enough to rent the flat. She's not happy with that. What other solution do you suggest? To keep having a go at him for five-year-old reasons that don't have any legitimacy anyway, as many PPs have detailed?

@C8H10N4O2

Not sure if you have read the thread? Both OP's children are pre school so at most she has been a SAHM for four years. It doesn't read that she was working before that. So she was not contributing.

The assets belonged to the DH before he was an H and before he was a DF. He took a risk that didn't pay off. It happened. It's in the past. He was likely doing it so any future DCs would be secure. He wasn't gambling, spending lavishly or funding an addiction.

Now there are children and the OP has an equal responsibility to secure their future. She can't continue to blame her DH for her situation.

You are ascribing zero value to the years she has been caring for the DC. The OP hasn't said one way or the other if she was a lady of leisure for years before having the DC.

OP did say that she hadn’t contributed to the mortgage or bills before she had dc actually. She may or may not have worked while going thought ivf, everyone I know that has been through the process has had to endure it at the same time as working because they still need to help provide a home for themselves and their future children. Fair enough if the couple made a decision for her not to work after the children were born, but the house was sold by then anyway, when they were still unmarried.

The DH in this situation sounds like he’s done plenty to provide for OP and their children, yet because of one decision he made when he was unmarried and childless he has to put up with being attacked unfairly in every argument he ever has with his wife. How can you defend that?

So, you were trying for a baby for a while with a man who’s finances were not open to you and you didn’t really have a say in the financial aspects? Scary stuff.

Not sure if you have read the thread?

Yes, although as I said upthread I missed the bit where the OP clarified they were not married when they were going through IVF.

However the OP has not stated anywhere that the house was owned fully by the DH and she never contributed anything to it. She only stated that she could not contribute financially during the period of IVF treatment. She hasn't said one way or the other if she was also working during IVF treatment.

He was likely doing it so any future DCs would be secure. He wasn't gambling,

He was risking their planned DCs' security and the foundation of their future together. That necessitated a joint discussion. Business risks are absolutely a gamble, I've taken them (as I posted up the thread).

The moment partners and DC come into the equation you are not free to take unilateral decisions affecting their future in the way you can as a single person.

I feel like the solution can only be for the OP to accept and own her part in the decisions instead of dishing out blame. She had DC with and married this guy after the house was gone. She knew his age from the start. However naive or passive she considers herself to be, she is a grown woman who made active decisions and will ultimately feel better having agency in her life. With the 'no prospect of ever owning a home', it sounds like she's gearing up for a lifetime of misery over missed opportunities instead of actively engaging in making things happen.

Losing a home is devastating and truly forgiving someone for losing your home is very difficult. You have to decide if you can do this or not, and also if you can trust him to not do something equally stupid if he ever came into money again.

When I was 12 we lost our family home and business, part of a regeneration project which my Dad fought and refused multiple offers to settle. This left is on benefits in rented accommodation for a decade. I found it very hard to not be angry at my Dads failure to provide for me, refusal to pick himself back up, and ultimately his pride which he had placed before me in fighting a losing battle on principle instead of accepting an offer.

But a few years later I realised that I had to completely forgive him in order to have a relationship him. This didn’t mean excusing his mistakes but accepting them as the flaws of an in-perfect human. I did this without even discussing it with him or reviving even an inclination of his awareness of the effect his decisions had made on me let alone an apology. Ever since then we’ve been fine.

More years later he brought up with a tear in his eye that he regretted the decisions he made and asked if I could forgive him. I told him that I had over a decade ago.

But this is not about your father it’s about your husband.

It was down to both of you so its time to let go of the resentment.

Because if you were having ivf then you knew this person enough to plan to go down this hard route to have children. Therefore you should have been privy to and really knowledgeable about all the finances and these things should have been discussed at length.

Then you should have vetoed not repaying the loan with the inheritance and the house should never have been sold. As surely if you are having children and becoming a family, these are family decisions.

It was down to both of you in this way. So let go of the resentment unless you also have resentment for yourself, as it's pointless now anyway.

However the OP has not stated anywhere that the house was owned fully by the DH and she never contributed anything to it.

Yes she did

From the OP

FWIW the house was his, in his name, I wasn't contributing to mortgage or bills at the time as I was going through several rounds of IVF in the hopes of starting our family.

YANBU.
I don't think I could have continued in the marriage under those circumstances, to be honest.

You had got to your 30s without children and had no real financial security. You also gave up work before children. You thought this was okay because you where hitching you’re wagon to a star but it hasn’t worked out and it is his fault? Nope.

Get a job. The two of you suck up that the equivalent of your income comes out of the joint finances but in a few years when your kids are at school you will have more earning potential. Or take a bigger financial hit now to retrain or move to an area of the country where housing is more affordable. Stop wallowing and be proactive.

@C8H10N4O2
I think you need to read the thread before you comment.

YABU. Because you agreed to have children with him in the knowledge that you were not privy to his financial decisions and info, and without being married or having some other sort of legal agreement to protect you. That was your choice.

Put all of this aside and you are both not too old to own again in future. Start saving and start preparing and when you are back at work, continue saving.

Work out a plan now together to buy a house. Work together and stop all the pointless resentment.

This is a really difficult one. Considering that ye were essentially a family he should have involved you more.
However, I think if he has expressed his remorse etc and recognised that he made a mistake then you should take him aside and tell him that what is done is done and that you wont bring it up in an argument n the future.

I think that will help your relationship. And then put an active effort into getting on to the housing ladder.Get advice, try and see if there are family members that will assist you in getting the money.

@LorenzoStDubois the OP wasnt married when it happened. I presume you mean you would have cancelled IVF and not married.

formerhomeowner just wanted to say I went through IVF many times and it is very, very stressful. So well done on getting your two lovely children. It's something many people simply take for granted and for some us creating our families is the work of a decade of pain and emotional investment (and sometimes financial investment too!) and not a moment of fun in the sack!

it's a shame your DH made the choices he did, but as you yourself have acknowledged early on this thread, it is done and part of the past.

In your shoes I would make every effort to get back into work part time when this crisis is over and to get a pot of money together for a deposit. Many people argue that with childcare costs it is not worth it, but it can be. Once the children are in school or preschool there are opportunities and things can move forward. My friend got his break on a housing development thing. He now has a three bed house but started off small. It is possible, for some.

Agree with flirtygirl "Work out a plan now together to buy a house. Work together and stop all the pointless resentment." Let this thread be the start of that new move. Save the words from posters that have helped and look back on this as your line in the sand, if you can.

It sounds like you gave up working before you were married or had children and now are pissed off that your partner hasn't provided for you well enough??

You 'hate' him for a decision he made five years ago? You either need to move past it or split up. You can't hold resentment for years, throw the same issues up time and again, and have a healthy relationships.

It sounds as though if the business investment had worked, you would have been quite happy to benefit from it. But since it didn't, you're taking a detached, critical position on it.

You need to decide what's more important. Pretending you were 'right' about not investing in the business (even though that wasn't your position at the time) or having a healthy relationship with shared financial obligations.

He took a chance and lost.........and in all honesty if you'd got off your butt and contributed he'd have probably kept the house. 💁🏻‍♀️

I don't understand the argument of not working because childcare would eat up your entire wage. Surely at least one child is entitled to quite a lot of free childcare hours, unless your DH earns more than 100k. So even at minimum wage you wouldn't be spending all the wage on childcare.
And you chose not to work to concentrate on IVF which I assume he supported you with. I had IVF and know many people who did and none have ever contemplated giving up work because of it.
I think you're lucky, especially as you now have 2 healthy children. Get a job if you want somewhere bigger to live