Friend is annoyed - Hen-do, wedding, pregnancy nonsense

[HairsprayBabe]

Group of 4 friends, been friends for a very long time, never any drama see each other about once ever 1-2 months watsapp group chat basically daily, so we are all close.

Friend1 has her wedding end of August, has been booked for 2 years, she came to my wedding and hen and Friend2's wedding and hen - both last year. She booked her hen do dates in for the end of July just after Christmas.

I am pregnant, and due literally the same weekend as her hen do - which she is having in a different city about 80miles away, so obviously I can't go. If it was a meal and a night out in our own city I would probably go to at least part of it, depending on how I felt.

Friend2 who is maid of honour has also just announced her pregnancy, she is due mid September - is still planning on attending overnight hen in other city.

My pregnancy was unplanned, Friend2 had just stopped using birth control and was in the "ooh lets see what happens" phase of TTC.

Bride has also announced in the last week that wedding is now child free including tiny babies, totally her choice I don't have an issue if that is what she wants. I told her if BF works out I probably won't be able to attend as will have a very little baby who needs boob often and can't be left. Friend2 has said the same thing if her baby arrives before the wedding.

Bride is really annoyed that two of us are now pregnant and due so close to her wedding she is shutting us both out, this behaviour on her part is making our other mutual non-pregnant Friend3 uncomfortable and unsure to how the atmosphere of the hen will feel and is considering not going - I know this will just make Friend1 more upset.

She has never previously been this selfish, and we have been friends for over a decade. I don't know how to behave around her anymore because she seems to feel that we planned our pregnancies to disrupt her wedding/hen-do!

IABU to go to her and tell her straight that she is in danger of becoming a bridezilla? I just want my nice normal friend back and I fear either ignoring or confronting will just make things worse!!

Hope I haven't left anything out - trying not to drip-feed!

I think you need a face to face chat - non confrontational - i would invite her out for coffee or a meal just the two of you and talk about how you are getting a sense that she must be disappointed about her wedding not working out how she planned and how you can both find a solution together.

Let her know that you feel uncomfortable and unsure how to react but you value her friendship and really want to find a way through this.

If you want the friendship to continue i would not use the word selfish or Bridezilla!!!!

Yanbu but neither is she, can understand why she is upset. Apart from arranging a local second hen meal/spa day for you all I'm not sure what else you can do. You may also not be able to breastfeed, if baby is on the bottle you may be able to attend the ceremony if it's close?

I would just tell her to cop herself on, your baby trumps her wedding so If babies are banned, that's absolutely fine but if you baby is Breastfed you can't go. Ask her what exactly she thinks you should do? Not BF your baby so you can go to her wedding? No

She sounds completely caught up in her own hype. I'm sure she will "surface" again at some point but wether or not the friendship can be saved will be down to her behaviour going forward.
She's being ridiculous, I'd leave her to it and try not to put friend 3 under pressure or in the middle cos that's not fair.

I don’t think your friend is being unreasonable here.

Your friend of a decade has celebrated your & friend 2’s weddings fully without any drama as far as I can tell from your OP.

Her wedding is now overshadowed because you and friend 2 have moved on to the baby stage. That’s not her fault any more than it is yours, and I can understand why she’s upset.

For a lot of women, when planning a wedding (particularly if it’s already been in the works for 2 years at this point) it is the most important thing in the world and I think it’s very easy to forget that once your own wedding is over.

Rather than “tell her straight” maybe cut her some slack and reassure her that her day is important to you both, regardless of your children. If your babies are small and you can’t attend that’s fair enough but I would expect her to be upset - give her some time and allow her to be hurt.

She may see things differently once she’s out the other side and has a small baby of her own but for now she doesn’t have the clarity of that experience.

@brummiesue - I had said that, but at 4-6 weeks PP I don't think I will want to be away from baby for long? I have offered to completely organise an afternoon tea/spa/meal for an "at home hen" for her but she had no interest in it.

I had also suggested that we go to the ceremony, with my DM looking after baby in the hotel lounge/café/restaurant but they have exclusive use of the venue, and she has said no children on site at all.

@Basecamp65 I obviously would be a lot more tactful and not barge in saying she is a mad bridezilla! I get that she is disappointed my own wedding day had 100's of disasters, we just laughed them off - she is more highly strung than I am though and I think she is feeling a lot of pressure to be "perfect".

She's being incredibly selfish. At the moment her priority is her wedding, and she seems to think you aren't taking that seriously.

Unless you want to end the friendship (which is what will happen anyway unless you discuss it openly) call her or ask to meet up. Explain to her that the wedding is important, but that your pregnancy is also very important to you and that you're concerned she seems to be annoyed about this.

If she carries on then I'd think about being if the friendship is worth pursuing.

Her wedding is now overshadowed because you and friend 2 have moved on to the baby stage. That’s not her fault any more than it is yours, and I can understand why she’s upset

Any bride who actually thinks this way is childish, selfish and attention seeking. How can her day possibly be overshadowed? She’s getting married - the day is all about her and her fiancé, she probably won’t even have time to notice that her friends aren’t there. Also the fact that she has now decided the wedding is child free is a deliberate attempt to get back at her friends.

She doesnt want babies in the entire hotel?! That's a bit bridezilla... the ceremony is only and hour or so, you can be parted from a 4-6 week old for that long surely? Just put your mum & baby in the closest restaurant or cafe for the hour, explain why you cant make the reception. There are ways around it.

Friend 3 is being a total drama queen, firstly and taking sides by not wanting to go the hen.

She has no reason to be getting herself involved to that extent. Plus have the 3 of you being discussing this? Or has she said outright to friend 1 that she doesn’t want to go?

Of course friend 2 couldn’t plan having her baby around friend’s wedding but from her perspective, she was there for both of you and out of all the months/years you’re both likely to be unable to attend two very special events for her. Not your fault, but not hers either.

You’re determined to paint her as a villainous bridezilla but have either of you looked at your own behaviours?

Because IMO momzillas are a thousand times worse than bridezillas so if there’s any chance that you’ve started banging on about your pregnancies like you expect everyone to make way for the second coming, you need to tone that down too!

I’m not saying you are doing that but just think on your own stuff, as well.

Plus with both of you pregnant there’ll be a lot of pregnancy talk and that’s fine but it’s only fair she’s allowed her time when you both got yours.

Then there’s always the risk that you don’t know what’s going on in her life and pregnancies/babies could be a trigger. Again, not that you shouldn’t talk about it but just make sure it hasn’t consumed everything!

Babes in arms are usually exempt from no kids weddings so she’s deliberately excluding you. If your pregnancy was planned that would also be okay by the way! Your sex life is none of her business and ttc is impossible to guarantee so it’s never worth putting it off to accommodate other people or events. Your breasts are as much her business as your sex life so I wouldn’t even discuss how your baby will be fed. It’s too soon after you’re due to give birth and you don’t know how your birth will go or that you might be willing to leave your baby, I’d strongly assume not. Remember you’re not saying you won’t be at the wedding, she’s the one basically uninviting you.

Do you think she’s worried her wedding will be overshadowed by you and your friend having your new babies with and other friends meeting them for the first time?

She is being U about the babies at the wedding though. It will be nigh on impossible for you to attend.

But your other friend could very easily still attend so it might not have been entirely necessary for her to jump on that particular bandwagon!

I had also suggested that we go to the ceremony, with my DM looking after baby in the hotel lounge/café/restaurant but they have exclusive use of the venue, and she has said no children on site at all

That’s a more than generous compromise and she’s being a dick not to accept that you (and your mum!) are bending over backwards to try and accommodate her wedding at what will be a really busy time for you.

You could well be feeling the baby blues or worse, you know you will be physically knackered, emotionally wrung out and you’re still trying to keep her happy.

She needs to grow the fuck up. She’s not a Disney fucking princess, it’s just a day! Bloody Bridezillas do my head in.

I have offered to completely organise an afternoon tea/spa/meal for an "at home hen" for her but she had no interest in it.

Then you’ve made an effort and it’s been rejected. I’d back away now.

The thing is that it’s entirely in her hands if you go to her wedding or not, as she could just allow babes in arms, there won’t be any cost or numbers implications - but if to her having a ‘perfect’ childfree wedding is more important to her than having one or two of her oldest friends there then that is her choice, not many new mothers would leave a baby at 4 or 5 weeks.

Yes, she has always supported with no drama, we all have I think that's why this feels so weird.

Our weddings are very different beasts, me and Friend2 had pretty chill DIY family weddings, and her wedding is much more glam and expensive and has a lot more going on. I think this is adding to the pressure she is putting on herself, and if I was putting that much into an event I can fully understand that she wants it "perfect".

It's not that I don't want to openly discuss it with her, its that she is avoiding us and shutting us out so we can't discuss it - sorry I should have been clearer!

I simply didn't go to weddings or anything like them as I couldn't be bothered. My baby was formula fed. I just refused invitation and that is that, I was at a different stage and my baby was my priority. If she went on and on I would simply fade away slowly, can't be bothered with the drama.

I think shes upset not to have both bridesmaids full attention and participation. Shes being awkward regarding the 'no babies' on site. I would phone her and try to talk to her, ask if another hen could be arranged e.g a local meal or spa day. If that doesn't go down well, then I would withdraw from her until she reaches out.

But even your posts are very much her v us.

Do you see that there is zero need for friend 3 to be planting herself in the middle of this?

That there was zero reason for friend 2 to say she “mightn’t be there”?

It’s just unnecessary!

Don’t get me wrong, bridezillas are an alien species to me.

But like I said, momzillas are worse and some of these discussions just didn’t have to happen, IMO.

So I can imagine that they’re just adding to her feeling of her wedding being less important than all of yours.

She’s not even allowing babies on site? She’s being a dick. Tell her to grow the fuck up.

How selfish of you and your friend to get up the duff! Did you not realise this was HER WEDDING MONTH? [GRIN]
You might need to let her stew for a bit. Hopefully she'll realise how ridiculous she's being. When I got married I had to ring a couple of friends with newborn babies and let them know i didn't want the babies there. I didn't want the crying, etc. BUT this was a city centre location and I had no issue with them being unable to come to hen do or if they'd suggested their mother kept the baby outside the ceremony room, etc.

Did she know you were pregnant when she booked the hen do?

I can, a tiny bit, feel for her but only because my wedding reception was overshadowed by family babies. A whole subset of my inlaws family hived off and went to play babies with two relatively new arrivals, ignoring the line dancing and music that we'd put on. It felt as though they were only coming to have a family day out (they all got together regularly anyway), rather than celebrate our marriage.

Maybe she's worried that the babies will take over her day? Is she quite insecure generally? Worried that other may go off to coo over the newborns, leaving her in second place?

She does sound as though she's got a bit of a chip on her shoulder about babies though. Is there an issue around ttc and failing for her?

OP does friend 1 have children or experience of babies at all?

If no then that would explain.

Would she listen to her mum or someone? who could spell things out for her??

If she is shutting you out. I'd just make the effort and send one text today and say something like....
'Hi, can we meet up for a coffee, I'm concerned you're upset and I want to have a chat about things. Your friendship means a lot to me! x'

If she doesn't respond to that then I'd draw a line under it. You have a baby to focus on, you don't need this stressing you out, it sounds like you have tried.