Friend is annoyed - Hen-do, wedding, pregnancy nonsense

[HairsprayBabe]

Group of 4 friends, been friends for a very long time, never any drama see each other about once ever 1-2 months watsapp group chat basically daily, so we are all close.

Friend1 has her wedding end of August, has been booked for 2 years, she came to my wedding and hen and Friend2's wedding and hen - both last year. She booked her hen do dates in for the end of July just after Christmas.

I am pregnant, and due literally the same weekend as her hen do - which she is having in a different city about 80miles away, so obviously I can't go. If it was a meal and a night out in our own city I would probably go to at least part of it, depending on how I felt.

Friend2 who is maid of honour has also just announced her pregnancy, she is due mid September - is still planning on attending overnight hen in other city.

My pregnancy was unplanned, Friend2 had just stopped using birth control and was in the "ooh lets see what happens" phase of TTC.

Bride has also announced in the last week that wedding is now child free including tiny babies, totally her choice I don't have an issue if that is what she wants. I told her if BF works out I probably won't be able to attend as will have a very little baby who needs boob often and can't be left. Friend2 has said the same thing if her baby arrives before the wedding.

Bride is really annoyed that two of us are now pregnant and due so close to her wedding she is shutting us both out, this behaviour on her part is making our other mutual non-pregnant Friend3 uncomfortable and unsure to how the atmosphere of the hen will feel and is considering not going - I know this will just make Friend1 more upset.

She has never previously been this selfish, and we have been friends for over a decade. I don't know how to behave around her anymore because she seems to feel that we planned our pregnancies to disrupt her wedding/hen-do!

IABU to go to her and tell her straight that she is in danger of becoming a bridezilla? I just want my nice normal friend back and I fear either ignoring or confronting will just make things worse!!

Hope I haven't left anything out - trying not to drip-feed!

@annie9876 hopefully they can come to some kind of compromise on it.

I don't know how well this has come across, and obviously I can't speak for F2&3. I am gutted to be missing the hen, I really wanted to be there for her just like she was for me, hence offering to organise something differently.

I am not annoyed that they want a child free wedding that is their choice and I don't begrudge them that, I just wish she had been slightly more understanding when I came to her to tell her I couldn't attend without my baby at least in the same hotel.

I am not surprised if she is hurt or disappointed - I am surprised and hurt that she hasn't communicated how she is feeling, and has rebuffed all my attempts to find a work around for the wedding, and hen. If we can't work out a solution I will be really really sad as we have all been so close for so long. I have text her and the ball is in her court now, I can't do much more.

It is nit unreasonable to want an entirely adult wedding. It's also not unreasonable to include young babies in that.
It is understandable that after supporting you two through your weddings and the build up she's disappointed that she is going to miss out. It doesn't make her a bridezilla or selfish or childish. It also doesn't mean that if she ever has children herself (and btw she might not) that she will suddenly change her mind and wish she'd invited children to her wedding.

Our weddings are important. I'm sure your and your friends weddings were important to you then, just as your baby is important to you now. To many people weddings and babies are of equal importance as nice things to happen but not the centre of the universe.

If she's a friend and if you are a friend to her then keep in touch. If you think that your baby trumps her wedding then do her a favour and leave her alone.

You sound like a lovely friend OP, hopefully she's just having a stressed moment and all can be salvaged.

@ClubfootMaestro it was 30 years ago, child free weddings weren’t a thing. There was actually other older children.
I think when they said they were coming it was kinda explicit baby was coming too (esp when they travelled 200 miles).

I'm surprised it's been a drama-free friendship for years because you are all making up for it now!
F2 could be working on the basis that she's likely to be at the wedding.
F3 has no need to be threatening not to go to the hen.
And you don't have to feel 'shut out' because you're not involved as much anymore. You're not as involved because you're pregnant. It's normal for that to cause adjustments. But you're putting pressure on the bride to explain and discuss it. There's no need. She has told you the rules for the wedding and the venue. She's told you when and where the hen is. You then make a grown-up decision for you and your family whether you can make it or not.
It sounds as though you are all feeding the drama. Take a deep breath and a step back.

I had also suggested that we go to the ceremony, with my DM looking after baby in the hotel lounge/café/restaurant but they have exclusive use of the venue, and she has said no children on site at all.

See, I think she has behaved badly with her updated dictate as to no children, even on site. This was unnecessary, banning all babies from site, especially when she knew full well you'd have a tiny new baby and her other BM might as well. This is just spiteful ... and her absolutely prioritizing a party over newborn babies getting fed.

Sorry, but I think that's pretty horrible, and her actions indicate she doesn't really want either of you there.

I think the unreasonable bit of all this is the bride refusing to have the baby in the hotel. The child-free wedding isn't a problem.

I really don't understand how the baby and it's GM being in the hotel somewhere is going to ruin things.

If you’re paying for the hotel room, how can she dictate who stays there? If she’s changed her mind and made this rule since you announced your pregnancies, and you’re really close friends, can you ask why she’s made that choice because it seems like she’s deliberately excluding you from attending.

Have I missed anyone?

Yes the "she'll understand one day when she grows up and has children herself" posters

@Wexone
You’d be hurt if people didn’t attend. Milk for babies is the equivalent of food for adults. How do you propose any exclusively breast fed tiny babies eat? They don’t just feed on cue three times a day. They can feed up to 10/15 times a day when very little. Look up cluster feeding. If you ban tiny babies, you ban any breastfeeding mother.

Hairspray
Maybe it would be better for your mum to sit in the car park at the venue. Your friend sounds very selfish.

Really spiteful and rude to now make it no kids.

Why are you assuming it's done out of spite?

I'm sure OP isn't going to be the only parent of young kids invited to the wedding. Maybe the "no kids at the venue" rule was brought in because bride's cousin feels they should be allowed bring her 5 kids all aged under 6. And sure there'll be plenty of family hanging around to keep an eye on them so they won't need to watch them and can kick back, have a few drinks and relax.

My wedding day included lots of young children on my husband's side, and ambulance trip to A&E for one of them with a severed finger.

The bride and groom have every right to throw the party they want, with a guest list they decide.

OP might not be able to make it. Bride is not wrong to feel disappointed, but make an exception for one and SOMEBODY will have their nose out of joint and maybe come along with their own brood.

OP - I think the problem is that if you are the first of your group to have babies and the Bride doesnt have small DCs in her family, she probably doesn't understand that by saying "child free wedding" she actually has decided "parent of small baby free wedding" - she hasn't grasped you aren't being unreasonable, you can't be that physically far from your baby in the early days, particularly if you breast feed, so by excluding your baby, she is excluding you.

And of course she's entirely within her rights to decide she doesn't want you at her wedding, but if she does want you at her wedding, she needs to invite you to an event in a way you can physically attend.

You've made suggestions in a way you can be there, but she doesn't want that.

When you speak to her, be kind, she's probably hurting that while when you got married your friends were able to fit round what you wanted, and she doesn't get to have the same. But be clear, by saying no babies on site, she is saying you can't be on site. It's her choice, but there isn't a "HairsprayBabe not having a baby" option. You're pregnant. You will be having a baby. So is your other friend. This is the situation you are working round.

@annie9876 she offered to do this and the bride said no kids on site at all

Are you sure that the venue hasn't just said no children on the premises? Some boutique hotels are for adults only.

If not go. Simple

Wait till she has a baby. Then tell her 4 weeks op you want her to go to another city. For 24 hrs. Leaving baby behind

Yeah right. She's being way way over the top!

Though I did go to my fathers wedding. My baby was 4 weeks old and was in neo natal. The nurses looked after her for the day.

As someone who had a horrific time wedding planning let me give you some food for thought - the no kids thing might have nothing to do with you.

Seriously - our wedding was nephews and nieces only. Didn’t matter how old they were but they were the only kids invited. The reason was totally down to one person who was DISGUSTED and HORRIFIED that our wedding was about us declaring that we loved each other in front of the people we loved and not 2 families coming together.

Seriously she sabotaged us everywhere- cancelled the carer for my grandmother with dementia, contacted the hotel with complaints and dietary requirements pretty much weekly, etc.

Anyways she told family member that all their kids were invited which bumped out numbers fro 90 to 147 and then we had to say actually they aren’t invited because a. We can’t afford that many people and b. It takes us over capacity.

I had to tell a lot of friends that they’re kids couldn’t come and some people felt that I was doing it intentionally when I wasn’t - I’d booked the hotel before they were pregnant and I personally had never said kids were invited.

Some people I thought were close friends fell out with me about it but I had to let it go. Perhaps my wedding wasn’t that important to them but it was important to me. The people I fell out with were very adamant that I was offending them personally by not inviting kids but again it was a numbers game.

@someoneelseentirelynow

So she did! Must have been having a moment and not read that bit properly.

It's a shame that's the brides view but if she has exclusively booked the venue including all hotel rooms then that's obviously not an option.

However... had I known you could stop people paying for hotel rooms at your wedding from having additional guests in the room I'd have stopped my brother bringing his one night stand to the hotel the night before my wedding....breakfast was interesting as said girl stuck around and I was left wondering if I'd need to arrange an extra place at the wedding meal for her....thankfully she left once she had sobered up enough to drive

@Graciebobcat

This post is so ridiculous, it makes me think that it is a joke.

Firstly small children and babies are not free, they will take up a place. Venues do not say you can invite 50 adults and as many small children / babies as you like.
There is the logistics, space is not only needed for the child but also the prams and seat they require. they will not be sitting around for hours on end, listening quietly to ceremony or speeches, they will need a safe area where they can play.
The whole dynamic changes as most guests who bringing babies will spend more than half the time looking after their child than having a good time. ( which is at should be).
Lastly and most stupidily of all making the event all about the guests.
what happens if you do that and they still cant attend for a totally legitimate reason. Are you than within your rights to flip, r should have thought about what you wanted first.

Your title is right, it is nonsense

Firstly small children and babies are not free, they will take up a place. Venues do not say you can invite 50 adults and as many small children / babies as you like.

This isn't always the case. It might or might not be. Depends on the venue.

We're getting married in a venue where the package price is for 50 adults (plus wedding party). Children 0-3 are free and there's no limit on how many we invite. Children 4-12 are much cheaper than adult guests.

It really depends on what you book. I'd put money on the OP's friend having booked a far fancier hotel than we have. 😆 Ours works for us because we have kids and so do most of the guests (loads of people have asked if they can bring their kids). The OP's friend is obviously not working with the same kind of general guest circumstances that we are.

It's unfortunate that she's not willing to accommodate two of her best friends. And more so that she's being a bit difficult about it. That's the main issue really. It'd be fine if the friend had simply accepted that the friends with babies wouldn't come, and possibly taken the OP up on an additional celebration (at a time that suited everyone).

@PlayingGrownUp

I hear that!!

We're getting married in June. Invites went out in January with a polite "we are unable to accommodate children". DPs family have gone batshit about it to the point of threatening to disown him. This is ta 37 year old man who has declared he doesn't like and doesn't want children since the age of 15!

We get called selfish, I think it's entirely the other way round.

I really don't understand how the baby and it's GM being in the hotel somewhere is going to ruin things

Because cousin x,y or z who did leave their kids at home are going to ask questions and raise hell when they spot said baby and wonder why exceptions are made for one baby and not their kids.

I have been an eye witness to this kind of thing and it ain't pretty, A&B were invited to a wedding, just their names on the invite, they showed up with their 6 (!) children and sat down at a table waiting for their meals, bride and groom put on spot so could not exactly chuck the family out. Havoc ensured after the honeymoon.