Friend is annoyed - Hen-do, wedding, pregnancy nonsense

[HairsprayBabe]

Group of 4 friends, been friends for a very long time, never any drama see each other about once ever 1-2 months watsapp group chat basically daily, so we are all close.

Friend1 has her wedding end of August, has been booked for 2 years, she came to my wedding and hen and Friend2's wedding and hen - both last year. She booked her hen do dates in for the end of July just after Christmas.

I am pregnant, and due literally the same weekend as her hen do - which she is having in a different city about 80miles away, so obviously I can't go. If it was a meal and a night out in our own city I would probably go to at least part of it, depending on how I felt.

Friend2 who is maid of honour has also just announced her pregnancy, she is due mid September - is still planning on attending overnight hen in other city.

My pregnancy was unplanned, Friend2 had just stopped using birth control and was in the "ooh lets see what happens" phase of TTC.

Bride has also announced in the last week that wedding is now child free including tiny babies, totally her choice I don't have an issue if that is what she wants. I told her if BF works out I probably won't be able to attend as will have a very little baby who needs boob often and can't be left. Friend2 has said the same thing if her baby arrives before the wedding.

Bride is really annoyed that two of us are now pregnant and due so close to her wedding she is shutting us both out, this behaviour on her part is making our other mutual non-pregnant Friend3 uncomfortable and unsure to how the atmosphere of the hen will feel and is considering not going - I know this will just make Friend1 more upset.

She has never previously been this selfish, and we have been friends for over a decade. I don't know how to behave around her anymore because she seems to feel that we planned our pregnancies to disrupt her wedding/hen-do!

IABU to go to her and tell her straight that she is in danger of becoming a bridezilla? I just want my nice normal friend back and I fear either ignoring or confronting will just make things worse!!

Hope I haven't left anything out - trying not to drip-feed!

I can understand why she is upset but obviously this isn’t something you or the other friend could predict and it isn’t something you can change now. She’s being a total bridezilla not allowing newborn babies, most child-free weddings allow newborns because they sleep most of the time.

Her wedding is now overshadowed because you and friend 2 have moved on to the baby stage. That’s not her fault any more than it is yours, and I can understand why she’s upset

I agree with this up to a point. Her wedding is no less important to her because her friends are pregnant, and I understand that she is disappointed that you either won’t be there or will be there and busy caring for babies so not exactly dancing the night away.

I’m someone who spent a fortune and so many weekends supporting friends and their hens and weddings but when my turn came, those same people had moved onto babies and didn’t come to the hen party, or came to the wedding with babies/left early to get back to babysitters. It is shit, and I sympathise with why she’s disappointed, but it is no one’s fault and I also have not been angry or resented anyone for having a child, that’s a ridiculous thing to do!

her behaviour is childish. Banning babies from even being on site away from the wedding is crazy, and shutting you out is a terrible way to react. Among her own disappointment for her wedding, she should also be happy and excited for you both. You have different priorities but you can still be there for each other in the best way you can. I hope all goes well with your baby

As someone who had her wedding vows completely ruined by a screaming baby - to the point that the celebrant had to stop them completely, twice - I can understand her wanting the whole experience completely childfree.

Unless she is a complete idiot, I'm sure she already realises it means both you and Friend 2 won't be able to attend, so I wouldn't bother saying anything. Decline the invitation when it comes, and move on.

She doesn't sound mature enough to be getting married tbh.
Life changes and moves on for people. Surely if she was that good a friend she wouldn't mind 2 nursing babies there?

I also think the world will revolve around her and her baby when her times comes.

She’s being a total bridezilla not allowing newborn babies, most child-free weddings allow newborns because they sleep most of the time

A few posters have said this and it is TOTAL BOLLOCKS. I had a few babies at my wedding and a 5 week old was so loud and disruptive in the ceremony that if I had my time again I don’t know if I would have babies along. I got one marriage ceremony and it was important to me. I love babies but I didn’t want to hear one screaming while I got married.

Also, I now have children and I feel far more strongly that people are entitled to exclude babies from weddings (if they aren’t dicks about people declining) than I did before having children. This is because I haven’t become a Mumzilla and forgotten that people care about things like weddings just because I’ve had mine, and also because I know that babies can be a total nightmare, loud, stressful, sicky etc and make a difference to the vibe at an otherwise adult only event. I think it’s entitled to expect to be able to take your baby to an adult wedding. (OP that’s not aimed at you because you haven’t said that)

No kids allowed = people dropping out. What does she expect?

Maybe not "fair enough" but I can understand why she feels uncomfortable, not just at being in the middle, but not liking F1s attitude towards the pregnancies.

We haven't really been talking about her more just discussing logistics of hen and wedding. The only thing we have talked about in regards to her personally is that she is a perfectionist and she is putting a lot of pressure on herself. We aren't a gossipy group and we tend to just get on with things.

I see what you mean about supporting F2 - she should go because she should go, but additionally it would be helpful for F2 to have another close friend there as a bonus is more what I was trying to communicate.

Yanbu.

I can understand why your friend might be disappointed, however if she's puts a ban on kids she will get a few people dropping out. Wedding are important, but you and your friend can't put your life on hold until she's got married. It just doesn't work that way.

I took my 4 week old daughter to my bf wedding, if she'd have said no kids, I wouldn't have gone.

Is it possible that she’s had a miscarriage or termination that you don’t know about and her new control freakery over her wedding is just a symptom of unspoken distress?

Regardless, you have to do what’s best for you and baby and let her get on with it, but perhaps you could try talking to her in search of a deeper root cause, seeing as she’s not usually selfish or unthinking?

I never understand why brides don't want babies and children at their wedding. Surely it is a family occasion and to be celebrated. Children are part of the family, and seeing people being married is good.
It wouldn't happen in Spain. But of course it is her and her fiances decision.

It does sound like she's so desperate for everything to go to plan, and as she's such a perfectionist she's getting stressed that already it's not. Of course she's being unreasonable and you can't leave a newborn. Given that she's not normally like this she's obvs completely overwhelmed and I'd cut her some slack here.

Sending that text was the right thing. Let's hope you can talk it out reasonably with her.

I don’t understand why she won’t allow your tiny babies to come, if it means you can come too?

That's a good text. Send it.

However, most of your talk has been on the ideal scenario of healthy baby arriving when it should. Anything could happen.

Tell her that you would love to be there to support her as much as you can but you have no idea what position you or the baby will be in & potentially the same goes for F2. Ask her what she wants & see if you can fulfil any of it. Good luck & congratulations on the pregnancy!

@theprincessmittens is that not the parent's fault rather than the baby's? There was a young baby who was apparently crying all through our ceremony but i had no idea - the mother took him outside! I only knew as she was disappointed to have missed the vows. But i wanted her to come so i wouldn't have not invited her because she had a baby! Saying that i respect it's up to the individual if they want babies to be allowed - they just need to accept some people may then have to decline. In this case it seems like the bride has decided afterwards to have no babies to spite her friends.

I went to a late afternoon wedding without my 6 week old. My mum brought DD to the wedding and I fed her outside at some point early evening and then she had a bottle later on. It was a pain in the arse and I’m not sure it was worth the hassle.

she's mental

We had a similar situation happen to us recently. My partners uncle and partner got engaged last year and we found out we were pregnant not too long after. They kicked up a fuss that I was due two months before their wedding. We said we would still go etc. No mention of not bringing kids or anything until we received the invitation with a hand written notice about not bringing kids was written in blue biro at the bottom of our invitation, and was only on our invite. Still we said we would attend the ceremony and drinks/meal after but wouldn't be able to stay for the evening due to having a very young baby and a 3 year old at school the next day. My mil suggested to his uncle that we bring the baby to the evening and just keep her in a pram as the 3 year old could stay with my mum but the bride didn't want us to do this. Fine, we still attended. We were ignored, excluded from all family photos (as was my mil from most of them despite being the only sibling of the groom) and we were still complained at for leaving early and missing the first dance. I understand some people don't want kids at their wedding and that's fine, but then don't expect parents to just be able to forget they have children for a day or two to attend the wedding.

Oh gosh not another one of these threads. I’ll do the necessary.

PP 1: You aren’t being unreasonable, Bridezillas should be put in the stocks. Tell her so.

PP 2: You aren’t being unreasonable but neither is she. Talk it out.

PP 3: Ask her to let your babies come as they are babies and therefore universally exempt from the no-children rule.

PP 4: How can anyone have a childfree wedding? It’s so selfish when I have decided they are always about family. Also this wouldn’t happen in southern europe.

PP 5: A baby did scream over my vows once, so it’s not true that they always sleep all the time.

PP 6: That’s the parents’ fault not the child’s fault! Babies should still always be allowed.

Have I missed anyone?

God forbid someone wants just one day that isn't about babies!

Just don't go OP. Let your friend have her day the way she wants it. Deal with any fallout after.

but they have exclusive use of the venue, and she has said no children on site at all

I had sympathy for the bride until you said this! She’s being an arsehole.

*PP 3: Ask her to let your babies come as they are babies and therefore universally exempt from the no-children rule.

PP 4: How can anyone have a childfree wedding? It’s so selfish when I have decided they are always about family. Also this wouldn’t happen in southern europe.*

Beg to differ with both of these points.

• I'm having a childfree wedding. That means NO CHILDREN, regardless of age. My friends understand, I've given those that wish to find childcare plenty of time to do so. Those that don't want to leave their kids, there's no hard feelings.

• A wedding is about 2 people getting married. No-one else should be meddling or spouting their opinion about what SHOULD and SHOULDN'T happen (god I hate those words).

Why are brides getting called out for doing their days the way THEY want to?

Before anyone gets wound up about what might happen in August, might be best to wait and see what happens with the pandemic situation over the next 5 months 🤔😷

@mumofbun...Of course it was the parents (H's cousin and wife) fault - not only for not taking the baby out when it first started crying, but for completely ignoring the 'no children' clearly stated on the written invitation and also verbally confirmed to them by my late MIL. They also caused a disturbance by turning up when the wedding ceremony had already started. My late MIL was so angry with them for ruining our wedding vows (H was her only child) that she never spoke to them again. She died 5 years after we married.

OP's friend may well be doing it out of 'spite' - she also may sincerely not want children there...or her fiance doesn't.

'How can I make it up to you that I won't be able to be as much part of your wedding as you and I had maybe imagined I would? I can't come to the hen because of the dates, or the wedding because I will be due to have a babe in arms who I can't be away from - but I do love and support you and I really appreciate how you've always loved and supported me - so I will be cheering you on despite not being there but how can I help you or celebrate with you in different ways?'