Friend is annoyed - Hen-do, wedding, pregnancy nonsense

[HairsprayBabe]

Group of 4 friends, been friends for a very long time, never any drama see each other about once ever 1-2 months watsapp group chat basically daily, so we are all close.

Friend1 has her wedding end of August, has been booked for 2 years, she came to my wedding and hen and Friend2's wedding and hen - both last year. She booked her hen do dates in for the end of July just after Christmas.

I am pregnant, and due literally the same weekend as her hen do - which she is having in a different city about 80miles away, so obviously I can't go. If it was a meal and a night out in our own city I would probably go to at least part of it, depending on how I felt.

Friend2 who is maid of honour has also just announced her pregnancy, she is due mid September - is still planning on attending overnight hen in other city.

My pregnancy was unplanned, Friend2 had just stopped using birth control and was in the "ooh lets see what happens" phase of TTC.

Bride has also announced in the last week that wedding is now child free including tiny babies, totally her choice I don't have an issue if that is what she wants. I told her if BF works out I probably won't be able to attend as will have a very little baby who needs boob often and can't be left. Friend2 has said the same thing if her baby arrives before the wedding.

Bride is really annoyed that two of us are now pregnant and due so close to her wedding she is shutting us both out, this behaviour on her part is making our other mutual non-pregnant Friend3 uncomfortable and unsure to how the atmosphere of the hen will feel and is considering not going - I know this will just make Friend1 more upset.

She has never previously been this selfish, and we have been friends for over a decade. I don't know how to behave around her anymore because she seems to feel that we planned our pregnancies to disrupt her wedding/hen-do!

IABU to go to her and tell her straight that she is in danger of becoming a bridezilla? I just want my nice normal friend back and I fear either ignoring or confronting will just make things worse!!

Hope I haven't left anything out - trying not to drip-feed!

there are

@DisasterousManagementPlan I agree with that - of course OP and others in her position have to prioritise the baby. Couples getting married have to accept that. What I hate is when parents get snarky about childfree weddings because they’re unable to go.

@club yes I agree, it’s just in regards to when brides ban babies and then are offended when a breastfeeding mum won’t come

@AnneLovesGilbert, @Cocobean30 @eggofmantumbi I am not judging what so ever that people breast feed, that is their choice and right! people can breastfeed or bottle feed, its their choice, no one should judge them, some people can not breastfeed nor want too. What I am saying is that you can not get annoyed or mad if you can not participate in things or life events because of it. Here I see both sides the story

She’s being a dick. You offered a reasonable solution and she has rejected it. That’s the end of it.

Many years ago at my friends wedding a couple turned up with their 4 day old baby. Bride was furious. They had said they were still coming even though they’d just had the baby (and it was a big distance from where they lived). Bride had assumed they would ‘leave it somewhere’.
Surprisingly when she had her own children she didn’t leave 4 day old babies to go places.

Are they getting annoyed wexone? You don’t suggest they are. You say you’ll be hurt and annoyed. Which, as you know, would be daft.

And you are judging. Don’t be disingenuous. Breastfeeding your baby, not wanting to be parted from them when they’re tiny, is a lot more important than going to a wedding of someone so insensitive.

@Ihatesundays to be fair if your friend didn’t ask about taking the baby and turned up with him or her, then they’re the ones in the wrong.

Sorry but a true friend would not ask you to leave a tiny baby, she needs to be told that whilst you are all happy for her your baby comes first

@okiedokieme I agree with what you said 100 per cent. This can't be a good friend. The OP is willing to come to the wedding and everything despite being 6 weeks post-partum.

Bride needs to be told to get real and get over herself.

Either she thinks of her guests or delete and block and she won't have any guests.

When did it become more about the bride than the wedding?
Brides used to want to share the day with friends and family, hen do's were a drink with your mates, not a bloody holiday.
The ceremony was more important than anything else and what B&G wanted to share.

When DH and I got married, in spite of not having children ourselves yet, we had several friends with (small) children and also brand new babies who would want to come, and because we aren't complete dicks who would be excluding a significant number of friends in having a child-free wedding, we didn't have a child-free wedding.

It's not hard not to be a dick, seriously. I don't know why people find weddings so hard on Mumsnet.

I’ve been invited to a child free wedding this summer. Have a two year old and have arranged childcare, but I fell pregnant since we were invited and will have a newborn this summer. My lovely friend said that of course I can bring the baby. I reassured her we’d take him outside if he was fussing during the ceremony, but most newborns will just feed and sleep whatever is going on around them tbh. I think most reasonable brides would have no issue with bf newborns coming to a child free wedding. I wouldn’t be able to go otherwise. Of course my toddler will be staying at home. I would have to rethink our friendship if my friend lacked so little understanding and empathy in this.

@Graciebobcat calling people who have childfree weddings “dicks” is horrible. The suggestion that people have to host a children’s party on their wedding day for the convenience of their friends is really unfair on the bride and groom. Nothing wrong with a child free wedding if you accept declines with good grace. There is however plenty wrong with calling people “dicks” for wanting an adult occasion on what is a very special day for them.

And no, as I said upthread, I didn’t have one myself.

@Unreasonablyextravagant
@OhCaptain

I totally agree with the posts made by the above.

Firstly friend 3 should just keep put of it and try be a friend to all three of you without picking sides. This argument has absolutely nothing to do with her.
Secondly whilst you and F2 are not BU, I cant understand why you don't see how upset F1 will be if her two closest friends are unable to attend. If she has been planning this for two year this is obviously an important event for her and whilst your baby should trump it to you, that doesn't mean it should trump it for her.
Your post seems to indicate instead of showing a more soothing approach, you have instead come across more hostile.
At the end of the day your friend just wants you both to share the most important day of her life, the least you can do is act like you are sad you wont be able to attend.

Does the venue have rooms? Could you consider booking a room for the night (most venues will allow early check in if you explain the situation) and that way the baby won't be at the wedding but you would be able to attend at least the ceremony with DM or partner maybe staying in the room with the baby and then you can return for feeding?

Failing that could partner stay in car with baby whilst you showed your face even if it was just for half hour at the evening reception?

On top of the fact that she appears to have just genuinely suggested that people should not breastfeed their babies so that they don't have to miss other people's weddings, there's something I don't get about @Wexone's argument. If attending other people's celebrations was a noble sacrifice you made "for them" rather than, you know, a celebration you attended because you wanted to and it was fun, why would you be hurt and upset that people didn't come to yours because of the significant complication of a small child? Apparently you think weddings are ordeals for guests anyway, so just don't invite any. Then you can end the circle of noble suffering you appear to be in.

Hell hath no fury like MN when a wedding is mentioned. Apparently wanting any degree of control over the biggest day of your life warrants the label BRIDEZILLA and all manner of other childish remarks.

By all accounts OP has always had a good friendship with the bride, she doesnt usually act like this, shes probably under stress arranging the wedding and should be let off. If you wage war on everyone that slips up now and again you would never keep relationships with anybody.

It's kind of one of those situations where nobody is to blame, I can see both sides and I expect it will blow over with a bit of tact and patience.

Some of the comments here show the level of intolerance people have towards those they supposedly care about - if a longstanding friend doesnt act perfectly all the time, DELETE AND BLOCK.

Hope you get it sorted OP, I'm sure you will!

@ClubfootMaestro Oh why is it so hard to have small children and babies there if good friends wouldn't be able to attend otherwise? It doesn't actually cost anything after all- they bring their own food.

And if it does cost money, then choose a different venue and get married within your means, including all the people who are important to you, not screening them out if they happen to have bred first.

It's such a chavvy attitude to not think of your guests. Really fucking common as muck.

@HairsprayBabe do you think she is just upset because she had a lovely vision in her mind of having a hen do with her close friends and then the wedding, just like at yours? Weddings are stressful when you consider the cost and other issues parents / inlaws / everyone wanting to put their twopence worth in. There's a possibility she's just initially thrown that everything is different to what she planned and she will calm down in a few weeks and a solution will be found.

Is there also an issue with numbers and costs? When I got married the hotel classed every person as a guest (even babies) , so if we had all of our friends' children there we would have had to cut 15 other guests from the list.

@annie9876 why would anyone be such a doormat? Hiding away their newborn in a car to appease their 'friend'? That's nonsensical!

I too understand this from her point of view.

My two closest friends were pregnant/had small breastfed babies when I got married. I won’t lie, I was so disappointed when I found out. I was bridesmaid for both and we had gotten dressed up, drank champagne and danced the night away and I wanted the same for me (and the same with the Hen). One didn’t make it to my hen. It’s the one thing that makes me sad when I think back to my wedding so please try to be understanding. I’m not saying she’s not being unreasonable but just that I can see why she’s feeling blue about it all.

I know a lot of MNers say that the day is about them and their partner and of course it is but for us it was about celebrating with friends and family too and it totally changed the vibe. Be kind to her

@irishmamamia

I guess it depends how much you value attending the event.

Personally I would do it, especially for a friend of 10 years but each to their own I guess.

Weddings. They're just a bit shit really aren't they? All this hurt and angst about signing a piece of paper.

Op, I think that text was spot on and I hope that you get your friendship back on track.

@Graciebobcat “chavvy”, “common as muck”. Seriously? Your posts just sound really nasty tbh.

The reason it is so “hard” as you put it is because the bride and groom only get one wedding day. To have children and babies along totally affects the dynamic and experience of the wedding. The bride and groom, who are ultimately paying and to whom the day is far more important, are entitled to choose the kind of wedding they have. It isn’t not thinking of their guests because invited guests are free to decline.

Incidentally you do have to pay for some small children depending on the venue and age, and once you’re having toddlers along how do you justify not allowing 5 year olds, and then 10 year olds? And then it does start getting unmanageable. Regardless of cost, it just isn’t the kind of event lots of people want.

I’m not going to be as unpleasant as you is the words I choose, but I think the suggestion a couple have to host a type of wedding they don’t want in order to placate parents who don’t understand that their children don’t take centre stage on every occasion is unfair and wrong.