Friend is annoyed - Hen-do, wedding, pregnancy nonsense

[HairsprayBabe]

Group of 4 friends, been friends for a very long time, never any drama see each other about once ever 1-2 months watsapp group chat basically daily, so we are all close.

Friend1 has her wedding end of August, has been booked for 2 years, she came to my wedding and hen and Friend2's wedding and hen - both last year. She booked her hen do dates in for the end of July just after Christmas.

I am pregnant, and due literally the same weekend as her hen do - which she is having in a different city about 80miles away, so obviously I can't go. If it was a meal and a night out in our own city I would probably go to at least part of it, depending on how I felt.

Friend2 who is maid of honour has also just announced her pregnancy, she is due mid September - is still planning on attending overnight hen in other city.

My pregnancy was unplanned, Friend2 had just stopped using birth control and was in the "ooh lets see what happens" phase of TTC.

Bride has also announced in the last week that wedding is now child free including tiny babies, totally her choice I don't have an issue if that is what she wants. I told her if BF works out I probably won't be able to attend as will have a very little baby who needs boob often and can't be left. Friend2 has said the same thing if her baby arrives before the wedding.

Bride is really annoyed that two of us are now pregnant and due so close to her wedding she is shutting us both out, this behaviour on her part is making our other mutual non-pregnant Friend3 uncomfortable and unsure to how the atmosphere of the hen will feel and is considering not going - I know this will just make Friend1 more upset.

She has never previously been this selfish, and we have been friends for over a decade. I don't know how to behave around her anymore because she seems to feel that we planned our pregnancies to disrupt her wedding/hen-do!

IABU to go to her and tell her straight that she is in danger of becoming a bridezilla? I just want my nice normal friend back and I fear either ignoring or confronting will just make things worse!!

Hope I haven't left anything out - trying not to drip-feed!

I think this is the problem when people have long engagements. 2 years - are the bridesmaids suppose to put their lives on hold. It's bad luck the babies are due then, but not much you can do about it.

My friend asked me to be bridesmaid over 2 years out from her wedding. She knew we were trying for a second. I didn't realized it was going to take us 2 years to get pregnant, also couldn't plan for the fact that bub had congenital issues that had us in and out of hospital weekly for the first 18 months of her life.
Bub was 6 months old when Bride started to want consequtive weekends away for dress shopping. Bub was also on the waiting list for spinal surgery due around the month of the wedding. I thought I'd pull out since I couldn't commit to the bridesmaid duties and give her the chance to replace me rather then risk not being able to make it at all at short notice.

She was pretty awful about it but I don't regret putting my family first.

@graciebobcat

I couldn't agree more. I understand people have their own ideas of how they want their wedding to be but I could not have imagined my wedding without the children there.

We had 10 children in total (ranging from 6months to 15 years) for the full day and honestly I loved it.

The moment all the little girls rushed to the dance floor dragging their dads when frozen "let it go" was played (one of the first songs when all the adults were getting drinks) was simply adorable.

My photographer got some great images of all these little girls and their daddies dancing and they are some of the more treasured of my wedding photos.

Yes I love the ones with me and DH but I especially love the photos of all my friends and family that no one had any idea were being taken.

I think, as is typical with weddings, your friend is all consumed at the moment.

She has probably excluded kids at this point because she feels babies will take attention away from her.

There could also be a deeper issue here though, is she trying for a baby herself or could she be a bit jealous you guys are having babies?

Lashing out at you like this isn't good. I'd ask her to meet for a coffee and have a gentle chat

Annie what a lovely post. Your wedding sounds beautiful.

@Graciebobcat

A wedding is a family event, not an adult nightclub. It's about kids dancing and running around, babies crying, laughter, people chatting and catching up.

That's in your opinion. The wedding you just described is my idea of hell. Why can't it be an adult event?

@Zipperdidoodaa

I really don't think that brides are worried about a bay upstaging them . Out wedding is childfree because we are childfree. I don't like children and, just for one day, I don't want them around. If people don't want to come I won't hold it against them.

I vowed then not to be bitter and have enjoyed such a wonderful relationship with all of their children but especially this one. Be open rather than closed and you will find more positivity and happiness than you could imagine

I'm derailing slightly, but can't ignore this. I am completely, utterly, totally infertile. I've had four rounds of IVF and they all failed - two with late miscarriages. My husband killed him self because we couldn't have kids. As it was at the time I was married so a wedding was irrelevant- but in those many many years of struggling we not only avoided many weddings where children would be present (yes, we asked and declined if they weren't child free) and on,y hosted childfree parties and events ourselves. We lost a lot of friends, but they were the sort of friends who had no empathy for our pain and suffering. I loved my nieces and nephews, but yes, avoided them as well at times.

Not all infertile people can cope with babies. It took me a decade to feel like a normal human being. Now I choose not to be around young children because I have no interest in them.

Sorry for the derail.

This is what my wedding means to me...

After a decade of grieving for my husband I met a wonderful man and fell in love with him. He had been in a very unhappy marriage and had also been single for a decade. We are each other's surprise love story, the relationship that we didn't think we'd have after many years of loneliness and heartbreak. We want to marry to celebrate our partnership and our love. It is all about us. It is not the joining of families -in fact my first marriage wasn't either. Our wedding will be what we want it to be. We may well invite some people to come, but we want adult friends and family and not having to bother to entertain children. In fact we are thinking of a small boutique hotel that is adult only.

You probably won't want to go anyway at 4 weeks pp - especially if any travel is involved. Definitely not without the baby. I know some people are happy to leave them at such a young age, but the vast majority of new mums do not want to leave them for more than an hour or 2 at 4 weeks old. That's in addition to the sleep deprivation, bleeding, general disgusting ness of being newly post labour. By 8 weeks pp things are different, but I wouldn't plan any thing definite at this stage.

Her wedding is now overshadowed because you and friend 2 have moved on to the baby stage. That’s not her fault any more than it is yours, and I can understand why she’s upset.

Apparently wanting any degree of control over the biggest day of your life warrants the label BRIDEZILLA

For a lot of women, when planning a wedding (particularly if it’s already been in the works for 2 years at this point) it is the most important thing in the world

Her wedding isn't overshadowed. This is about her and her fiance, not her friends' [private] family planning decisions. It's not unreasonable to be a bit disappointed. It's very unreasonable to behave like a child who has their toys taken away and retaliates through sulks and throwing in ridiculous conditions. Someone's momentous, life-changing decision to have a family does not have be put on hold until after the 'big day', especially if the damned thing is TWO whole years in the planning (do people really do that?)

Brides who think in this way need to get a grip. A powerful one.

As to a wedding being the most important thing in the world. It really isn't. Very few men would ever take this stance and it seems such a shame that some women seem to have internalized Byron's old chestnut 'Man's love is of man's life a part; it is a woman's whole existence'.

And he's been dead for 200 years.

A wedding is a family event, not an adult nightclub. It's about kids dancing and running around, babies crying, laughter, people chatting and catching up

Says fucking who? That’s merely your opinion and by all means do that for your wedding, but just because that’s how you see a wedding, you don’t get to dictate other people have to as well.

if they were use to going to weddings from other cultures where the whole town turns up for a wedding then turning up with a 4 day old isn't rude, particularly as 4 day olds do SFA

Where does it say that this was a wedding from a culture where the whole town turns up?

Maybe a 4 day old does sweet FA, maybe the 4 day old is colicky and screams all day (my daughter did). But it isn’t even that - it’s very awkward if the bride has said no to other people with babies who have either stayed home or got a babysitter to attend if they see someone else has been able to take their baby. Don’t put the bride and groom in that position.

I don’t mind childfree or not, but if when I arranged for my mum to go to to Bath with me for a wedding so she could look after my daughter nearby when she was a few weeks old (so I could pop out, feed, soothe etc) and I had walked into the wedding to see an exception had been made for someone else’s newborn (assuming not family), I would have been furious. Have kids or don’t, have babies or don’t, but be consistent. That’s why it’s shitty to turn up with a baby unannounced, even if the baby sleeps all day.

@Leighhalfpennysthigh Hope you have a wonderful day

Like it has been said on here many many times, have whatever wedding you want - destination, childfree, nudist, satanic - just don’t be annoyed when people don’t come.
If it suits you, fine, might not suit others.

@ClubfootMaestro thank you

I think some brides become very focused about the world revolving around them and their wedding. Likewise some mothers can be the same about their babies. 🤷🏻‍♀️ You’re both entitled to your views but it’s not surprising that you disagree.

Have a chat face to face. Tell her why you won't be able to come if tiny baby not allowed. Point out that tiny babies are barely noticeable and sleep all the time!
Caution that if she allows you and other friend tiny baby there, you may still not be able to come depending on birth.
If she's a proper friend she'll understand - if not now, once she's beyond the craziness of wedding planning.

@Jespers her friend wants a child free wedding. That should be the end of it.

Yabu for using the word boob. Next you'll be calling your baby a boobie monster.

@JorisBonson ‘ @Jespers her friend wants a child free wedding. That should be the end of it.’

Absolutely agree, but then friend shouldn’t be behaving like a twat about friend with tiny baby not being able to come, should she?

Agreed it's not an excuse for being an arsehole

As you are both missing her hen could
you suggest that you arrange something special for the 4 of you to do? Perhaps a surprise afternoon tea before you and your friend are late on in your pregnancies?

My hen do was a night in London not even overnight. I was upset I missed someone’s wedding as I had my first DC three weeks before, I wished I had gone now, so regret that. My hen do in 2006 My sister had a small baby and she didn’t come, I had a bit of a moan but I just accepted it.. my friend from work didn’t make it I think she didn’t even come to the wedding evening party but she had her DC and had preclampsia ! I keep in touch with her on facebook.. you cannot plan these things and are always highly emotional, but dynamics change, friendships will change all the time now, with another decade looming!! 😄😄 not that I am old and wise either, but some great advice on here too!!

Perhaps a surprise afternoon tea before you and your friend are late on in your pregnancies?

She said she’d suggested that many pages back has been shot down.

Your friend needs to realise 1) People don't put their lives on hold fro others weddings 2) she can have her wedding on Mars with a dress code of onesies if she likes but it will mean that some people can't/won't come.

End of.

Get someone to send a link to this page!!

Has nobody mentioned the fact Friend 2 actually planned her pregnancy?! I do think out of all 3 of you she is the one who has behaved worst. Don’t accept maid of honour duties and then deliberately do something that could/will upset her best friends day. She at leat could have held off so she was no more than 5/6 months pregnant at the time of the wedding.

That said, the bride is being unreasonable to be upset. By all means have a child free wedding, even no babes in arms if that is what you want but don’t get upset when guests, even important guests can’t come.

I can’t understand why a legitimate compromise of baby with mother in a bar/cafe was dismissed out if hand. Fair enough if it was such a small venue that there was nowhere private but to not consider it is rude.

And to the PP who even suggested mothers should not breastfeed if they have any social engagements planned is just insane! A woman should be free to do what is best for their baby and themselves without considering any other person or even. We accept that might make some aspects of our social life difficult but its life.

Even if you don’t bf, most women don’t enjoy being away from their young children for any length of time. I know there are the odd exceptions, I have heard of mothers going on holiday for a week and leaving new borns with dad or with their mum but those women are very much in the minority.

I remember going out for an anniversary meal with my husband when our first was about 9 weeks old. Pub was 10 min walk from house but I still couldn’t stay away for more than 90mins. We ate, tried to have a drink and both agreed we missed him to much 😂