Friend is annoyed - Hen-do, wedding, pregnancy nonsense

[HairsprayBabe]

Group of 4 friends, been friends for a very long time, never any drama see each other about once ever 1-2 months watsapp group chat basically daily, so we are all close.

Friend1 has her wedding end of August, has been booked for 2 years, she came to my wedding and hen and Friend2's wedding and hen - both last year. She booked her hen do dates in for the end of July just after Christmas.

I am pregnant, and due literally the same weekend as her hen do - which she is having in a different city about 80miles away, so obviously I can't go. If it was a meal and a night out in our own city I would probably go to at least part of it, depending on how I felt.

Friend2 who is maid of honour has also just announced her pregnancy, she is due mid September - is still planning on attending overnight hen in other city.

My pregnancy was unplanned, Friend2 had just stopped using birth control and was in the "ooh lets see what happens" phase of TTC.

Bride has also announced in the last week that wedding is now child free including tiny babies, totally her choice I don't have an issue if that is what she wants. I told her if BF works out I probably won't be able to attend as will have a very little baby who needs boob often and can't be left. Friend2 has said the same thing if her baby arrives before the wedding.

Bride is really annoyed that two of us are now pregnant and due so close to her wedding she is shutting us both out, this behaviour on her part is making our other mutual non-pregnant Friend3 uncomfortable and unsure to how the atmosphere of the hen will feel and is considering not going - I know this will just make Friend1 more upset.

She has never previously been this selfish, and we have been friends for over a decade. I don't know how to behave around her anymore because she seems to feel that we planned our pregnancies to disrupt her wedding/hen-do!

IABU to go to her and tell her straight that she is in danger of becoming a bridezilla? I just want my nice normal friend back and I fear either ignoring or confronting will just make things worse!!

Hope I haven't left anything out - trying not to drip-feed!

@chucklebuckles

I agree with you in terms of making exceptions for the actual wedding but in terms of a baby being in a hotel room away from the wedding I think bride and groom are very unreasonable. Baby wouldn’t be at the wedding. No reason others Couldn’t also have a baby in a hotel room nearby, it won’t affect the wedding at all.

but in terms of a baby being in a hotel room away from the wedding I think bride and groom are very unreasonable. Baby wouldn’t be at the wedding.

OP didn't offer her baby be in a hotel room away from the wedding. She offered that her mother bring the baby and sit in the lounge/restaurant of the hotel. In small intimate hotels that require the entire venue to be booked out the wedding pretty much takes place in all lounge/restaurant/café areas. So OP pretty much asked the bride could her mother come along and sit in on the wedding, but be left alone in a room whilst everyone else went to the function room for the meal/party.

No wonder the bride declined. Is there enough rooms available for the bride to give a room to your mother and the baby?

This is not just about you and your baby. There is a lot more for the bride to consider.

She has made it no kids = made her choice. She therefore cannot be upset you won't come. I don't have kids, I would never make my wedding or event 'child-free' if i wanted my friends who are parents of young children to come???? She is just doing this to herself.

I have honestly no sympathy, she can't expect the world to stop for her wedding but clearly does.

I’m your situation I’d keep my mouth shut, say no more and let her get on with it. Once the wedding nonsense is out of the way she’ll get her head out of her arse. In the meantime anything you say will be cause for drama. You can’t reason with a bridezilla so enjoy your pregnancy and stop trying

@JorisBonson

We were the same - he was in his mid-40s and I was early 30s and both of us are strictly childfree.

Yet apparently the fact we were only inviting nieces and nephews (ranging from mid-20s to 3 months) was horrible and unfair. Meh. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

Plus the number of times people wanted to change stuff because weddings are about family! Eventually I cracked and said that if it was that important to them then they could pay for it.

For goodness sake, the bride needs to grow the hell up. A wedding may well be the best day of your life, but it’s really not fair for her to put this kind of pressure on you.

My best friend of 15 years was due within weeks of my wedding (which by the way was 3 hours out of town but we did allow babies and children) Guess what, my best friend couldn’t make it, and although it felt sad that she wouldn’t be a part of my special day I fully understood this. The day of my wedding we had a chat on the phone and cried and then the next morning we cried together again having a lovely long emotional chat as my DH sat next to me in our honeymoon suite! I will never forget those conversations and how much she wished to be there. Yes friends are important, weddings are important, but no more so than people’s children!!

Guess what, seven years later we are still best friends and I would never dream of having fallen out with her over this. Neither would I expect someone to cause a drama if I couldn’t attend a wedding because of a small baby (especially if the bride had said no kids allowed!)

Don’t beat yourself up about it OP. She will get over this one day - if not soon, then particularly when she has children of her own and realises just how unreasonable she is being by giving you a hard time.

This is not just about you and your baby. There is a lot more for the bride to consider.

OP has never suggested that it was about her and her baby. She's made it very clear that she fully accepts her friend is free to have a child-free wedding and that that means she probably can't attend. It's the bride who's having a strop about that fact, not OP.

If you want to go then google a hotel /restaurant near by the venue and have granny there with Your baby

No you shouldn’t have to but seems the only solution if not allowed on venue but not in main room

OP didn't offer her baby be in a hotel room away from the wedding. She offered that her mother bring the baby and sit in the lounge/restaurant of the hotel.

Tbh, most people would assume that a hotel will have public areas that anyone can sit in. I'd imagine this was what she was thinking when she offered this. You wouldn't automatically think the whole hotel would be off limits.

No children on site at all is nuts! She can’t control who you have in your own bedroom. I think someone, maybe the groom, your husband, her mother? should talk to her. She’s being much worse than a bridezilla. Why the fuck does she care for there are children on site?

She’s being unreasonable about the hen night - of course you can’t go. But you could arrange something small and local for your group as a bonus hen. I think YABU about the wedding. I breastfed my babies and attended a wedding without my son when he was 2 weeks old and one when my daughter was a month old. My partner stayed in the hotel of the wedding instead of attending the wedding and I mopped upstairs to feed him. I pumped milk for my daughter and left the reception early so she didn’t go long without a ‘real’ feed. My mum brought her to me in between the ceremony and the reception. This is one of your best friends, I would definitely try to make it work so you can attend her wedding!

@icedgem85 baby is not to be on site, so that’s not going to work!

YABU for using the word 'boob' instead of feeding this!

I don't get the people saying they can see the bride's point of view / don't think she's being unreasonable. And I say that as someone currently engaged and in the middle of planning our wedding next year.

It will be child free BUT with the exception of small babies - I think 'babes in arms' is the standard phrase used on invites, because clearly mums wouldn't be able to attend if they're breastfeeding their baby / even if they're not breastfeeding, parents are unlikely to want to leave a small baby, and it's not as if very young babies make much difference, it's not like they need a meal / will run around etc (which is why we're child free at the wedding - we want a grown up party, hope our friends enjoy the chance to party a bit later but mainly if we invited all the children too that would genuinely add about 30 to the guest list and we simply don't have room/can't afford those numbers).

If two of my best friends are likely to have just given birth at the time of the wedding then I would really hope they are able to make it, with their babies, and if they are due around the time of the hen and can't make that (or if they are due around the time of the wedding itself and can't make that) then I would be disappointed they wouldn't be there but not annoyed with them in the slightest it's just a case of c'est la vie. Goodness, the very idea that someone's friends should or even could try and time their pregnancies to not inconvenience your wedding is completely bonkers!

Oh dear god you are having babies close to her wedding!! Tell her to get a grip your baby will obviously come first. How silly she would even think otherwise. BF or not I doubt you would feel like leaving them so young anyway.

@icedgem85 OP offered to take her own mother to take care of baby somewhere on site (but not at wedding) but bride doesn't want baby on the grounds of the venue at all.

I think friend 3 needs to get pregnant quick!
Sorry if this has been suggested already

I always think these threads are very sad, that people prioritise their 'special day' over close friends being able to attend with their tiny babies.

I always think these threads are very sad, that people prioritise their 'special day' over close friends being able to attend with their tiny babies

Weddings are special and the couple getting married are perfectly entitled to have who they want at their wedding. Babies can be noisy and disruptive. Some parents won't remove said disruptive parents. It's not the babies fault, but if some parents weren't so selfish and entitled and determined to put their child above a wedding ceremony and vows, then couples will choose to exclude all children. I am. I don't want them there.

I know some couples who had childfree weddings because they were aware that they had fertility issues and found it difficult to be around children.

Other couples chose venues that were over 18's only.

Personally I don't want anyone at my wedding who has the attitude that our choices for our wedding are wrong and that our wedding is not important.

I know I’ll probably be slated for saying this but I while I can just about accept that couples would request a child free wedding I cannot understand how they could count tiny BF babes in arm as within this category. Surely to god most people can appreciate that the baby is solely reliant on the mother for its food at this age and therefore cannot be left with someone else for the length of time that it takes to get married, have a reception and most likely an eve do thrown in too! Yes you could express but many small babies won’t take a bottle and a lot of mothers prefer not to go down this route anyway (quite understandably). Surely they could accept babes in arms at their wedding on the understanding that they would be taken out if causing a disruption to the proceedings.

Unpopular as I may be for saying it it just makes me think that the bride is more worried about the babies upstaging her! Selfish and a needless worry as what and whom could ever upstage a bride on her wedding day

Oh and I totally agree with pumpkin too. Such a shame to ruin a friendship over this sort of thing.
Also people saying about fertility issues - yes it may be hard but you’re never going to escape from pregnant women, babies and children. Much better to just get on and try and enjoy them. And I’m speaking as someone who had fertility issues, who had a miscarriage only to be told by a close family member 2 weeks later that they were pregnant with their 5th child. I vowed then not to be bitter and have enjoyed such a wonderful relationship with all of their children but especially this one. Be open rather than closed and you will find more positivity and happiness than you could imagine x

@Cheeseandwink5 Well more fool you for booking a superficially swanky rip off venue you can't really afford.

^The whole dynamic changes as most guests who bringing babies will spend more than half the time looking after their child than having a good time. ( which is at should be).
Lastly and most stupidily of all making the event all about the guests^

A wedding is a family event, not an adult nightclub. It's about kids dancing and running around, babies crying, laughter, people chatting and catching up.

The biggest stupidity is not making your event about the guests. Oh the egos on people, making it all about the bride and groom, their unique taste in floral arrangements and chocolate fountains. No-one gives a shit.

Babes in arms not always an exception. A good friend of ours got married when DS was a few weeks old. Friend had child free wedding, totally fine, their choice, and we were totally understanding about not taking our 2 year old. My new baby had a cows milk allergy and refused any type of bottle despite me trying everything so was exclusively breastfed. I messaged friend to see if tiny DS could come and response was "ah well it's a shame you can't make it then"...

@ClubfootMaestro if they were use to going to weddings from other cultures where the whole town turns up for a wedding then turning up with a 4 day old isn't rude, particularly as 4 day olds do SFA.