Friend is annoyed - Hen-do, wedding, pregnancy nonsense

[HairsprayBabe]

Group of 4 friends, been friends for a very long time, never any drama see each other about once ever 1-2 months watsapp group chat basically daily, so we are all close.

Friend1 has her wedding end of August, has been booked for 2 years, she came to my wedding and hen and Friend2's wedding and hen - both last year. She booked her hen do dates in for the end of July just after Christmas.

I am pregnant, and due literally the same weekend as her hen do - which she is having in a different city about 80miles away, so obviously I can't go. If it was a meal and a night out in our own city I would probably go to at least part of it, depending on how I felt.

Friend2 who is maid of honour has also just announced her pregnancy, she is due mid September - is still planning on attending overnight hen in other city.

My pregnancy was unplanned, Friend2 had just stopped using birth control and was in the "ooh lets see what happens" phase of TTC.

Bride has also announced in the last week that wedding is now child free including tiny babies, totally her choice I don't have an issue if that is what she wants. I told her if BF works out I probably won't be able to attend as will have a very little baby who needs boob often and can't be left. Friend2 has said the same thing if her baby arrives before the wedding.

Bride is really annoyed that two of us are now pregnant and due so close to her wedding she is shutting us both out, this behaviour on her part is making our other mutual non-pregnant Friend3 uncomfortable and unsure to how the atmosphere of the hen will feel and is considering not going - I know this will just make Friend1 more upset.

She has never previously been this selfish, and we have been friends for over a decade. I don't know how to behave around her anymore because she seems to feel that we planned our pregnancies to disrupt her wedding/hen-do!

IABU to go to her and tell her straight that she is in danger of becoming a bridezilla? I just want my nice normal friend back and I fear either ignoring or confronting will just make things worse!!

Hope I haven't left anything out - trying not to drip-feed!

I'm chuckling about no babies on site at all :-D She's lost it!

And I had a child free wedding too, with the exception of immediate family kids (of which there were a handful) and babes in arms.

She needs to understand that teeny babies cannot be left for long away from a parent, if she's not had much to do with kids she might not realise.

You offered a really good alternative for your baby, she's being daft.

I've been in a really similar situation, my now ex friend (B) threw a tantrum when another friend (C) in our group got pregnant and was due 4 months before her wedding. It was the first pregnancy in our group.
She wouldn't let C bring the baby to the wedding and she was really horrible about it. Seeing B behave like that and treat a really good friend in such a mean way made all of us step back.
B has moved away, but none of us ever spoke to her after her wedding.

I'm now planning my wedding, all children and partners are invited. I learned some valuable lessons watching her burn her bridges.

If she wants a child free wedding she has to accept that some people will not be able to attend the wedding. That's completly on her.
I think some people tend to get obsessed with their wedding and its all they can think about they have an idea of what it will be like and can't think about anything or anyone else.
In a couple of years though, especially if she has a baby, she will realise that some things are more important than a lovely party. Meanwhile just stay friends with her and wait for the wedding fever to die down.

She’s getting married and shouldn’t expect everyone else’s life to stop just because of her legal pairing to someone else.
She is acting bonkers.

Those that don't want to leave their kids, there's no hard feelings.
It's not a case of not wanting to leave their kids. You can't leave a tiny breast fed baby for any length of time! Tiny babies need to be with their primary care giver and in my view their needs are more important than a wedding.

Any bride who actually thinks this way is childish, selfish and attention seeking.

I agree. People have lives and a wedding really is just a wedding. Getting married does not make you the centre of the universe.

I'm planning a wedding right now. People I'd love to come can't come for all sorts of reasons. That's how it goes. And that's without deciding that I want the day to be child free/on the moon/whatever else I've decided is 'perfect'. If I'd wanted further stipulations, I'd have expected even more people to decline. People are entitled to want whatever kind of wedding they want, but it does risk meaning people can't or won't come.

I cannot imagine getting pissed off at someone for getting pregnant/having a baby around about the time of the wedding. Or being angry that someone has the temerity to be due to give birth on the date of a hen weekend.

Presumably your bridezilla friend will eventually come out of it all and realise that she might have gone a bit odd with it all.

Oh god Gods sake🙄, I get WHY she feels like (her big day) isn't being prioritised and all but FFS you're both having babies. She needs to get in touch with reality here. You all want to be caring and supportive towards your friend of course but she's being so childish KNOWING you both just can't leave a tiny baby, and then making it a rule where there's no kids. Sorry but your friend is being a bitch.

Different story if you and friend #2 had 10-year-olds and could leave them with someone for a night.

If someone wants a childfree wedding, that’s fine. But they need to understand that this will make it impossible for some people to attend and be accepting and understanding of this.

You can’t have it both ways, demand a child free wedding and then kick off when some people no longer attend.

@Nonnymum

It's not a case of not wanting to leave their kids. You can't leave a tiny breast fed baby for any length of time! Tiny babies need to be with their primary care giver and in my view their needs are more important than a wedding.

I understand this. I don't take it personally if people choose not to come. But I also don't like children and don't want them at my wedding.

Those that don't want to leave their kids, there's no hard feelings.

It's not a case of not wanting to leave their kids. You can't leave a tiny breast fed baby for any length of time! Tiny babies need to be with their primary care giver and in my view their needs are more important than a wedding.

This! My baby was a complete bottle refuser and fed often, at least once or twice an hour during the day, until he was a good 5-6 months old. There's absolutely no way I could have completely left him for an event lasting more than an hour, even if it was a wedding of one of the most important people in the whole world to me and I desperately wanted to go. It simply wouldn't have been possible, and I'm afraid any "friend" who refused to understand this and tried to make me feel guilty for it would no longer be a friend.

@JorisBonson I was covering all the types of poster OP will get, as these threads are dime-a-dozen. Wasn't endorsing either of the ones you picked.

I would have to say you are both being VERY unreasonable. I am the friend who is getting married this year who has no children, I am the last of my friends to get married. Many of them have children, but my wedding is a child free wedding. That applies to ALL CHILDREN including BABIES, I don't care if they decide not to come etc however I will be hurt if they do. As other people have said I have spent a fortune going to friends weddings, hen parties, christenings, celebrating births, 1st birthday parties etc. I have travelled the country taken my personal time out bent over backwards to go to these events. Why can I not expect my friends to support me on my big day? to celebrate something that I have been so looking forward to ? Believe me it hurts big time. I have had many of a night out day organized cancelled by sick children etc. I get that this happens though and I work around it. Its neither of your fault that this has happened, sit down and have a frank discussion, but your life does not stop because you have had a baby, life goes on. If you want to breast feed that's your choice, but I have seen the impact this has had on friends life, one friend has her mother drive all around the country with her baby following her work as she is self employed and could only take short maternity leave, as she breast feed For a year. There is nothing wrong with bottle feed babies , but again this is your choice. Both of you are feeling very hurt but are not seeing the full picture, please sit down one on one and have it out see both sides of the story She is not becoming a bridezilla she is just very hurt and let down, both of you are.

Ooh I thought of a PP8!

PP8: When she has kids, she'll understand how childish/selfish/insane she's being!

I understand this. I don't take it personally if people choose not to come. But I also don't like children and don't want them at my wedding.

And that's totally fair enough, and it's nice that you are so understanding. But from reading this thread unfortunately not all brides are as understanding as you and would expect attendance at all cost.

Wexone just came in to prove my point entirely!

@ScreamedAtTheMichelangelo ha, it's been a long day

@Wexone looking after and breastfeeding a baby is more important than a wedding. Are you suggesting a woman should not breastfeed at all for the purpose of being free to socialise great priorities. Nothing wrong with bottle feeding, but it is more beneficial for the baby in every way to breast feed. If you choose to cut your nose off to spite your face by banning babies, you can’t expect breastfeeding mums to come. And should accept that without causing drama.

looking after and breastfeeding a baby is more important than a wedding

To the mother it is, yes. To the bride, her wedding is more important. Both totally fair enough - people have different priorities and that’s fine. The problem is when either the bride/groom or the parents expect the other party to prioritise their wishes at the expense of their own.

That applies to ALL CHILDREN including BABIES, I don't care if they decide not to come etc however I will be hurt if they do.

But you are being ridiculous to be hurt. You just have to accept that your friends' lives have changed in ways yours haven't. It's not a lack of support; it's having family responsibilities. It's just not reasonable to to be hurt because your friends with babies and children decide not to come to your child free wedding.

Have a child free wedding. That's fine. But it's not fair to get angry at your friends for not dropping their babies to 'support you'. Life is never perfect - you have to accept that you are making a choice between a child free wedding and your friends attendance.

Weddings aren't meant to be a test of how important you are to people (and you will be disappointed by the answers if you insist on making it one).

Also your comments on infant feeding are really problematic.

any other friends have children? did she say before you were preg it was childfree

im getting married in 2 mths or so, and due to space/venue/finance have said family children only , think that is 15/70 for wedding

then have evening reception

as everyone bar 3 have kids, would have meant less adults we wanted due to children as they obv count as a number

tho obv any babes in arms are welcome tho arent any

Also, just to add that it's not just a breastfeeding issue. Many FF mothers may not want to be away from their tiny newborns too.

Why can I not expect my friends to support me on my big day? Um, because you’re making it impossible for them to come and celebrate your party if they have dependent babies wexone. You’re not the star of anyone’s life but your own. And you have a right nerve judging how anyone feeds their baby, who exactly do you think you are?

@theprincessmittens How rude of them!

I agree it's totally up to the bride and fiance what they do, just said it sounded like it maybe be spite as it's only come up recently. It could also be they've only thought of it recently. Just she can't really be annoyed if the friend's can't go, disappointed yes but annoyed and shutting them out isn't great.

The problem is when either the bride/groom or the parents expect the other party to prioritise their wishes at the expense of their own.

Thing is, people will prioritize their own families over the whims of friends who're getting married.

It's an MN cliche to point out that it's an invitation not a summons. Sadly, lots of brides and grooms seem to forget that no one is obliged to accept an invitation (regardless of what happened previously).

You plan a wedding based on circumstances at the time (as well as personal preferences). If all your friends have babies, then you have to decide whether it's more important to you that they come or you get a childfree wedding. Even if they had a childfree wedding pre-kids, it doesn't mean they will attend one now they have kids. Because life circumstances change.

They'll inevitably change in the future too. In fact, you could end up being the person who had a child free wedding who is turning down invitations to child free weddings because you've got a baby in the future.

@wexone I genuinely find it difficult to believe they're are people who think like you? That breastfeeding is not as important as social life?!? Massive face Palm!