Friend is annoyed - Hen-do, wedding, pregnancy nonsense

[HairsprayBabe]

Group of 4 friends, been friends for a very long time, never any drama see each other about once ever 1-2 months watsapp group chat basically daily, so we are all close.

Friend1 has her wedding end of August, has been booked for 2 years, she came to my wedding and hen and Friend2's wedding and hen - both last year. She booked her hen do dates in for the end of July just after Christmas.

I am pregnant, and due literally the same weekend as her hen do - which she is having in a different city about 80miles away, so obviously I can't go. If it was a meal and a night out in our own city I would probably go to at least part of it, depending on how I felt.

Friend2 who is maid of honour has also just announced her pregnancy, she is due mid September - is still planning on attending overnight hen in other city.

My pregnancy was unplanned, Friend2 had just stopped using birth control and was in the "ooh lets see what happens" phase of TTC.

Bride has also announced in the last week that wedding is now child free including tiny babies, totally her choice I don't have an issue if that is what she wants. I told her if BF works out I probably won't be able to attend as will have a very little baby who needs boob often and can't be left. Friend2 has said the same thing if her baby arrives before the wedding.

Bride is really annoyed that two of us are now pregnant and due so close to her wedding she is shutting us both out, this behaviour on her part is making our other mutual non-pregnant Friend3 uncomfortable and unsure to how the atmosphere of the hen will feel and is considering not going - I know this will just make Friend1 more upset.

She has never previously been this selfish, and we have been friends for over a decade. I don't know how to behave around her anymore because she seems to feel that we planned our pregnancies to disrupt her wedding/hen-do!

IABU to go to her and tell her straight that she is in danger of becoming a bridezilla? I just want my nice normal friend back and I fear either ignoring or confronting will just make things worse!!

Hope I haven't left anything out - trying not to drip-feed!

@OhCaptain I barely talk about my pregnancy in our general chat me and Friend2 have a separate chat for baby talk as we said we didn't want to bore Friends1&3 - if they ask I talk about it but I don't have baby goggles, I don't enjoy chatting about my pregnancy in all that much detail. Just the occasional "oh we had a scan and everything is fine" or whatever. I know babies are boring to a lot of people - myself included often!

She is not the villain at all, I have said on multiple occasions I think she is putting herself under pressure and stress, and it is hard to help her with that when she is avoiding most contact.

Yes no babies/children on site, venue is a small boutique hotel so they have hired the whole thing out to keep it intimate with just their guests.

Really spiteful and rude to now make it no kids. She sounds jealous that your baby will overshadow her wedding.

I'd leave her alone until she realises what a dick head she's being

She sounds like a complete knob. Her two best friends are pregnant and expecting to have very young babies at the time of her wedding and she announces she wants no children at the wedding. There is no way on this earth I would have left my baby to go to a wedding. What a selfish woman! She clearly doesn't have any children and I think if she ever does she will look back to this time and realise how unreasonable she is being! If she wanted you there that badly she would allow you to bring your two young babies.

I wouldn't bother. It won't go down well even though you are probably right.

I understand that child-free weddings exist for a reason, but I don't understand baby-free weddings. Babes in arms are a completely different matter from marauding preschoolers.

You sound lovely @HairsprayBabe.

I do think you’re being lumped in with the other two who IMHO have created needless dramas. But that’s not your fault.

She certainly sounds the least liked. Especially at the moment 😂.

Unfortunately she’s made it abundantly clear that she doesn’t want your baby there and therefore doesn’t care if you attend or not. And if that’s the case then why worry about her? You’ve tried. What else can you do?

I had a really similar situation with a friend when I was pregnant with my first. Her wedding was the week after my due date, and neither my partner nor my newborn were invited so I said I wouldnt be able to go. She really kicked off, went on and on about it and made me feel awful.

I really thought once she had her own kids she'd understand.... But she's had a baby since and from what she's said to me she still thinks I was unreasonable!

I think your idea of leaving the baby with your mum elsewhere in the hotel so you can attend the ceremony is a lovely compromise and I really don't understand why she won't let you do that.

I would thread really carefully myself, as this friendship (the individual and the group) seems to be really important in your life. Down the line she will probably see she was being unreasonable, especially if she ever has kids herself. But now it's her wedding and everyone goes a bit crazy when it's their wedding and I think a bigger margin of bonkers should be allowed! Her emotions will be raised, there may be other stuff she's trying to deal with. The challenge is to get past her wedding without any fallings out. If you see it like that, it might help. No need to challenge her or force her to see you're in the right (which you obviously are). What good will that do?

Friend 3 has to go to the hen surely? I mean, she just has to buck up and go, might seem unfair but that will surely lead to trouble, if she doesn't go. I mean, it's really bad luck if two of your friends can't make the hen because they're pregnant/due at the time, that is a tough pill to swallow. But a third just ducking out because she's worried about the atmosphere? That would be so hurtful. I would talk to this friend and try to persuade her to go.

I would also be really sympathetic and kind as you can be to your friend who's getting married. You've already made the obviously right decision re: the wedding and hen - you can't go to either on those terms. So just let her lick her wounds and if she lashes out a bit I'd be as gracious as possible and let her re-emerge on the other side of the wedding, a normal human being again!

She sounds a right dick head.

Your compromise was reasonable but babies are banned from the whole grounds 😮

Why do some brides seem to believe the whole world revolves round them? You hardly got pregnant deliberately in time to mess up her hen-do and wedding. I think she is a Bridezilla, @HairsprayBabe, and it is particularly nasty of her to ban all children, including breast-fed babies, from her wedding, when she knows your position. I'd just leave her to it for the moment, you've put forwards lots of perfectly good suggestions to make sure you can participate in your circumstances and she's just being deliberately unpleasant now. Step away from the Bridezilla!
Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Firstly congrats on the baby!

Friendship groups can be tricky cant they. Weddings are like other big events they tend to make people more emotional/unreasonable than they would normally be (same as having a baby really!).

It sounds like it would be a shame to lose your friendship group over this when I'm sure the bride will forget all about it come the wedding day.

I'm sorry I skimmed your posts a bit but from what I gather neither of you are bridesmaids? If you were I could understand her upset a bit more, but if you were supposed to be in attendance as a regular guest I think she needs to relax a bit. Babies cannot be 'planned' to overshadow specific events, they just dont work that way.

I would give her some space and let her have her strop, but maybe arrange a little surprise/present for her to show you care - maybe arrange a bottomless brunch or something a month or two after the wedding so she can show you the wedding photos?

My bet is shes a bit stressed wedding planning and it will all go back to normal after.

Enjoy the new baby!

waah! My frilly frock party is the most important thing in the world! Everyone else's lives should stop! Waah!

just tell her to grow up, the world doesn't stop for one day. And good luck to husband to be who if he has any sense will run for the hills.

I'm sure she can pull her own knickers up on the morning. Bridesmaids are such an outdated concept.

Bride is annoyed you are pregnant close to her wedding.

Did she not issue a "shut your legs memo" 12 months in advance, just to be sure?

Self-entitled bridezilla muppet. Tell her to chill and that a baby is more important than a frilly dress party. Either you come with babs or don't go at all.

I had a similar situation. Three of us great friends for years and years. Friend A attended both other weddings as maid of honour and hen weekends (even flying back especially from abroad whilst taking a gap year to travel for friend B’s wedding ). Put loads of time and effort and love into it all.

When friend A decided to have her wedding (me and friend B were both pregnant and due 6 weeks apart). I attended the wedding 3 weeks before due date in the uk but a long way away, and a hen weekend at 33 weeks pregnant. I won’t lie it was hard work, but I did it and I glad I did.
Friend B had a baby who was 4 weeks old (born hen do weekend) and she didn’t attend the wedding despite the baby being invited and her parents so lots of support. But a with PFB at 4 weeks old it can feel overwhelming just to pop to Tesco never mind a wedding. Anyway The friendship has never really recovered and it’s such a shame, as no one was really in the wrong. The rift was due to the way it was handled more than anything.

Anyway I really sympathies with your friend. I expect she is excited about her wedding and wants her friends there for her like she was for you all. I know she could allow babies to attend which would help. But let’s face it, when you attend an event with a small baby or child, you aren’t really ‘there’ in spirit. You’re there physically, but there is no way you will be able to put the effort in on the day like she has done previously because understandably your mind will be on the baby. For example you won’t be able to have a good drink and a laugh and dance the night away into the small hours with your friend. Cut her some slack, I am sure she knows deep down she is being unreasonable. But it’s understandable she is disappointed, especially as it’s both of you and not just one. No one is at fault here, just bad timing.
Good luck I hope you manage to see her and sort it all out. I would pop and see her, and acknowledge her disappointment and see what you can do to make her feel better and move on x

Have you got anyone neutral-ish who could have a chat with her, or her mum or someone. I know I'd use another friend to sit and have a chat with her and explain!

Ohcaptain- I don't really see why friend 2 was creating unnecessary drama by mentioning that she might not be there. She's the maid of honour (so i assume brides best friend) and it's not exactly impossible that she could give birth two weeks early. If she was just another guest I'd agree she was just adding to the drama but I think its actually quite thoughtful to raise it to bride just in case she would prefer to have someone else as back-up/a second maid of honour.

Agree there is absolutely no reason for friend 3 not to be going or getting involved at all, though.

She is being very self-centred. I am in a close group of 4 friends like this. When I got married all three of them (as well as two other good friends!) were pregnant and had to miss the hen. I was secretly gutted but wouldn’t have dreamt of making them feel guilty about it. We ended up doing a local afternoon tea type thing too so everyone could join in. Maybe offer a similar thing to her?
I think she’s also being naive to invite people with small babies and expect them to be willing and able to leave them. I think a calm discussion with her about it all would be a good idea, I imagine she’s feeling quite disappointed about it all and could maybe just use a reminder that you all care about her and are excited for her.

YABU for using the word 'boob' instead of 'feeding' after recent threads

You've offered 2 perfectly reasonable solutions. She's being a dick. I'd be telling her it's these options or you simply can't celebrate with her at all if she insists on having a baby free wedding and what does she genuinely think you are supposed to do. It may make her think that there actually isn't another solution. She either accepts your compromises, allows babies or accepts you Cant attend.

If she wanted you both there that badly she would invite your babies.

We invited some friends with their 5 week old to ours, they declined as they worried baby would be late and even younger on the day. Completely understood.

Another couple travelled and had an overnight stay with their 7 week old. DH's cousin lives in Belgium and flew over with her 12 week old.

There were lots of older babies and children too. People coo'd over them a little and then cracked on with the drinking, dancing and eating.

Having babies there didn't take away from our day at all. Every child free wedding I've been to has allowed babies under 1 - babes in arms is a common exception to the rule as they can't be left as easily.

@NewUser why?! And why are you trying to make this completely unrelated topic into an issue?

It is very weird that the wedding has been booked for 2 years, and only now has she decided that babies can't attend..

Honestly, I am planning my own wedding and if my close friends both ended up pregnant in the lead up, I think I'd feel a bit miffed, having had such a role in their previous big days, but I would never let my feelings be known. She's made this much more difficult that it needed to be!

@NewUserNameReq no idea what you mean I'll say boob as much as I like.

Thanks all for the advice, I love my friend and I want to be there for her if she will let me. I like that text @thekindyoufindinasecondhand I'll send it over then ball is in her court.

Friend2 is bridesmaid MOH and has been best friends with F1 since she was 10, and like PP said could realistically give birth any point from mid August onwards.

Friend3 should not take sides I agree - but I think it is fair that she thinks F1 is BU and feels uncomfortable at the situation. It would also be helpful for her to go to the hen to support Friend2 who will be 34wks at the hen if my maths is right.

Venue is not far about a half hour drive away, so I can have a look and see if there are cafés or even a pub local that DM can sit with baby in just for the ceremony and hope for the best. Obviously this all depends on how I feel, if baby is a good sleeper/eater no problems, best case scenario!

OP your friend is disappointed and lashing out. Of course she is being totally U by saying no babes in arms as that excludes any new mothers, which two of her best friends are.

Hopefully she will calm down a little. Agree with pp to try to arrange a coffee and talk it through face to face. Do everything you can within reason to find solutions and compromises and if she doesn't budge then you've done everything you can.

Her response to your suggested hen do tea and having your DM in the hotel suggests she may not change her mind but it's got to be worth a try if she's important to you.

Op.... I had a really similar wedding situation to the one you've described. My good friend wanted a child free wedding (fine) and I knew I would have an 8week old, exclusively breastfed baby. She made no exceptions and so my mum care to look after my baby for the duration of the day. I had to pay £800 in accommodation alone (wedding was not local) and do a lot of planning (expressing, etc etc). On the day of the wedding, I went downstairs and there was another woman with a baby similar in age to mine... she was allowed to attend and my baby wasn't. This was back in July and our friendship has been severely fractured as a result. I was massively upset that my baby was not allowed to go and that is paid over £1k to be a guest at her wedding and she was massively offended that I was upset. We've spoken once since but it's not the same. I think you need to speak to your friend upfront and explain how much you love her and want to be there. She either accepts you plus baby or risks you not being there. That's the reality when you want a child free wedding and she has to accept that. Most brides make an exception for "babes in arms"

Friend3 should not take sides I agree - but I think it is fair that she thinks F1 is BU and feels uncomfortable at the situation. It would also be helpful for her to go to the hen to support Friend2 who will be 34wks at the hen if my maths is right.

Why is it fair enough? It’s got nothing to do with her.

And the second part is what leads me to think you all might have a bit of a her v us mentality.

She should go to the hen weekend because her friend is getting married and having a hen weekend. Not so she can prioritise friend 2!

Do you not see that that’s just another way of saying we trump friend?!

I’m not saying it’s completely rational but she’s stressed and has an important event coming up. Plus the three of you have clearly been talking about her and that’s not nice.

Anyway, you’ve done more than enough like I said! I’m just saying - you say she’s not like this. You say she’s been a wonderful friend. So it might be worth trying to see it from her point of view.