To think we shouldn’t have to visit PiLs every holiday?

[greenfrog21]

My DH says the most important thing to him in the school holidays is making sure our DDs (4 and 1) see their grandparents. This is more important to him than us going away ourselves / with anyone else.

We have plans to see my family over the Easter weekend, and as a result he wants to make sure we see his parents for 4 days. He doesn’t want them to visit us (in London) as he says it’s hard work hosting them (which it is - they are not easy guests, but I still prefer it to staying at their house). So we have to visit them, in their house which is cramped, sleeping on an incredibly uncomfortable mattress in a small double bed (DD2 co sleeps), suffering MiL’s cooking, and in a village where we need to get in a car to drive anywhere interesting.

I have no issue with staying at their house occasionally, but I do not want to be spending several days there every 6/7 weeks. (We were there for 4 days at Christmas and 3 days at the February half term.) By contrast, we go to stay with my DF and DSM twice a year (in a very comfortable house with delicious cooking) - they are very happy to visit us; and we see my DM often but for short periods of time as she also lives in London.

DH has now said he’s going to his parents for 4 days the day after term ends and is taking DD1 with him and I can go when I like with DD2 (who is still breastfeeding). So he is recognising the fact that I don’t want to go, but I don’t like the idea of splitting the family up like that. I also don’t like that he’s going immediately after term ends as I’d like DD1 to have some downtime first. I feel like DH and his parents are dictating our holidays. AIBU? How often do others visit family?

YANBU. That would drive me nuts, OP.

That sounds a nightmare! Seven days of visiting since Christmas! Not in a million years would I agree to that. Invite them occasionally to yours and if they can't be bothered coming, that's up to them.
I'd leave him to visit on his own with your daughter. You'll survive being split up for four days. And next time you do agree to go, insist on AirBnB, then at least you get a break from them. And the chance of a decent meal. But no way should they be taking over every school holiday. Twice a year for a couple of days is plenty. You have other family - other friends - and other holiday plans.

I don’t like the idea of splitting the family up like that.

you can't have it all ways OP. It's not 'splitting the family up" either. It's completely normal and healthy for one parent to go away for a few days with one child.

It will be a nice break for you and your youngest...a chance for you and for DH to spend some bonding time with individual children.

Your DH has thought of a way to keep everyone happy but you're STILL not happy;

Not something I'd want to do either. Take him up on his offer. Let him take the eldest while you stay home with the baby and enjoy the break.

Thank you all. I can't sleep because I'm so furious!
That's just the kind of advice I need @FortunesFave - I wasn't sure if it was normal

Well I disagree. I wouldn’t like splitting the family up either and I think it’s far more important for the kids to have time with their parents and siblings than with their grandparents, so by splitting the family up to go and see grandparents it’s stopping the kids having time with me/me having time with them/them having time with each other/me having time with my husband. Family time as a 4 is precious and it’s being sacrificed to have family time with grandparents instead. I don’t think that’s on really. Yes sometimes but not every holiday and I don’t think you’re at ALL unreasonable for asking that some holidays are just the four of you!

Don't be furious...it's just not worth it. I remember getting so annoyed at my inlaws when my babies were small....I'm sure Mums are hardwired to reject inlaws because they're not blood relatives and we're so protective of our DC....some kind of innate animal instinct.

It will be fine for your older DC to go off with their Dad for a few days...when the littlest is old enough, they can take it in turns! They'll love it....till' they hit 12 and then you'll have another issue on your hands!

He sounds very rigid in his thinking. My sympathies. I also have a very rigid thinker in other ways and it’s incredibly draining. It’s not ok to always visit family every holiday unless everyone is on board. What time do you get to spend quality time the 4 of you and bond as a small family?

It sounds like a fair compromise.

It’s not ‘splitting the family up’. He’s going to see his parents for a few days and taking their granddaughter with him. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

What would be your ideal outcome, OP?

I think your husband’s suggestion is very reasonable. You don’t need to be in each other’s pockets all the time. He wants his child to have a good relationship with their grandparents. He is willing to facilitate it and he is offering to limit your visiting time as he sees that you don’t enjoy visiting. It’s actually quite admirable

I’d hate this. Going to stay a few times a year would be reasonable to facilitate good relationships and ensure the kids know their GPs however every holiday with no room for discussion - id be put out that all my annual leave was used this way and agree with your point that going separately only answers half the issue; you’re a family and wanting to spend holiday time together is normal! What about when dd2 doesn’t bf anymore will he just get them for every holiday to stay there and you have to decide to like it (and go) or lump it (and not spend holidays with your kids)

My dh initially expected us to do our 2 week holiday to his childhood holiday destination each year with his mother. I went a few times then had some legitimate reasons I couldn’t for a few years (work commitments rather than well I just don’t want to!) and it paved the way for conversation around “maybe we go but not for 2 weeks” which eventually became “well we really want to go to Thailand don’t we but we don’t have enough holiday once we’ve been to Skegness so which do we do?” And now we go infrequently and never for 2 weeks. I’d talk to him frankly and explain your feelings without getting angry.

I actually think you are being unreasonable. Your children and husband deserve to spend time with family.
You also sound a bit snobby over their home.

If you don't want to go then your husbands compromise is ideal.

If you don't want to be separated from your family then you'll have to suck it up or book into a hotel.

I'm sure Mums are hardwired to reject inlaws because they're not blood relatives and we're so protective of our DC....some kind of innate animal instinct.

But they are blood relatives of your child!
I would let them go OP, it seems from the descriptions that the ILs are very different to your parents, but that is OK- not everyone will be the same, doesn't mean your husband should not see them. He has taken on board what you say about not enjoying it, and he has suggested a compromise. I think UWBU to not compromise back.

What would be your preferred schedule of visits, and would you be happy to have the same amount of visits to your parents?

Are your children school age yet? Once they are, you will need to split annual leave to cover school holidays, and if he spends all his alone time with DC then that's his decision.

Your DH’s suggestion is reasonable.

He wants to visit his parents with your Dd, you want to not visit but you also want to control your Ds’s need for ‘down time’.

He is not ‘splitting the family’, he’ll be back!

I take my kids to see my mum for a couple of days each school holiday, leaving dp behind. She's 82, I feel that the years are running out and we cherish these moments. I enjoy taking the kids out and about without their father while I'm there, and take my mum out for a meal or two and she is much happier with just me there than having my dp there. We go to the inlaws about 3 times a year, as they drive and also come to us. We leave the kids there iver Easter break and a week in august. I think what your dh is asking of you now will evolve as the kids get older, and you are all happier to be apart for some time.

I also think his compromise is good. He clearly wants to visit his parents but recognises it’s not a priority for you, so he has come up with a sensible plan. It’s not splitting the family up...it’s a few days with his family.

You don’t want to go, which is understandable, but you don’t want him to go either? The relationship is important to him!
There’s no need to furious - there must be a way forward that suits all of you.

Your children are entitled to build a bond with both set of grand parents. My parents were not that interested in them when they were little and this has resulted in them becoming young adults with no interest in them at all now that my parents, who have more time to care about them expect them to communicate more with them. I'm half embarrassed and half annoyed because ultimately, it's very hard for kids to build a lasting bonds with people they hardly know. I can see that my kids would love to know my parents better, they live in a fantastic location, they could go on holiday there and spend a nice time together, but they would feel awkward doing so.

Your OH is doing the right thing. If you don't want to go, don't, you shouldn't be forced but allow your children to do so. If your youngest is still breastfeeding, then keep him and let him go when it's stopped. It's the selfless thing to do for your children.

How far away do they live? If they're not close enough to pop over on the weekend I see his point.

You also say 'every school holiday' but your DD has only been in school since September and you didn't mention October half term.

The schools have two weeks off over Easter. Plenty of time to see both families and have family time.

I think his idea is brilliant- you don’t have to go. I wish my husband would do things like this alone, I think it is so suffocating to always have to do things as a family. Now our children are older it would be much nicer to do things they enjoy without us all having to do it.

Well he is entitled to see his parents as much as you see yours and their house is where he grew up. Providing they are pleased to see you and you are welcome you are being a bit U. Absolutely great compromise for him to take DD1 - invite your mum over.

They grew and nurtured your dh albeit in a cramped, uncomfortable house in a boring village and with bad food. I get it and believe me my MIL can be very unkind and resents sharing food but I focus on that if I have to on MNet not the fact that DH was brought up in a little out of date house on the wrong side of town. DH is a product of his parents and his upbringing - if I reject his background, I reject him.

t’s not ‘splitting the family up’. He’s going to see his parents for a few days and taking their granddaughter with him. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that

There is when it stops you going away on holiday or even just doing stuff as a family if at every opportunity you have to include extended family before doing anything with your own family

His compromise is entirely sensible, you don’t all have to be joined at the hip and it will be nice for your DD to have some time alone with her GPS and her DDad. You sound very controlling. I used to spend frequent holidays alone with my DS and my parents, I fully appreciated that my DH didn’t always want to join us but he really encouraged us to spend time together. My DS is now 19 & has a wonderful bond with his DGPs - in fact they (late 80s) are now planning an overnight hotel trip to his uni city to see where he is studying.

It’s fine if you don’t want to stay with your in-laws, but don’t assume you are in control of your DH’s & DD’s relationships.