To think we shouldn’t have to visit PiLs every holiday?

[greenfrog21]

My DH says the most important thing to him in the school holidays is making sure our DDs (4 and 1) see their grandparents. This is more important to him than us going away ourselves / with anyone else.

We have plans to see my family over the Easter weekend, and as a result he wants to make sure we see his parents for 4 days. He doesn’t want them to visit us (in London) as he says it’s hard work hosting them (which it is - they are not easy guests, but I still prefer it to staying at their house). So we have to visit them, in their house which is cramped, sleeping on an incredibly uncomfortable mattress in a small double bed (DD2 co sleeps), suffering MiL’s cooking, and in a village where we need to get in a car to drive anywhere interesting.

I have no issue with staying at their house occasionally, but I do not want to be spending several days there every 6/7 weeks. (We were there for 4 days at Christmas and 3 days at the February half term.) By contrast, we go to stay with my DF and DSM twice a year (in a very comfortable house with delicious cooking) - they are very happy to visit us; and we see my DM often but for short periods of time as she also lives in London.

DH has now said he’s going to his parents for 4 days the day after term ends and is taking DD1 with him and I can go when I like with DD2 (who is still breastfeeding). So he is recognising the fact that I don’t want to go, but I don’t like the idea of splitting the family up like that. I also don’t like that he’s going immediately after term ends as I’d like DD1 to have some downtime first. I feel like DH and his parents are dictating our holidays. AIBU? How often do others visit family?

The issue is how inflexible and prescriptive he's being. You don't need to go EVERY holiday and you don't need to stay for several days. They could easily come to visit you for a day and night or vice versa and the expectation that it's every school holiday is too much.

These habits can become so ingrained that it becomes a Big Deal to change them later so nip it in the bud now.

I suggest you offer to see the in laws every 6 weeks for a weekend (visit Saturday lunch to Sunday after lunch maybe) and have them to visit some of those times instead of going to them. You could also arrange an extended visit in the summer holidays when you have plenty of time.

I think your husband’s suggestion is very reasonable. You don’t need to be in each other’s pockets all the time.

I disagree that wanting a family holiday once in a while is being “in each other’s pockets”.

A couple of hours isn't far, day trip territory or even weekend. If their house is cramped then a b&b or travel inn may be good but I suspect the in-laws may really want you to stop over. Good that you see your mum regularly, but pity about only seeing your dad a couple of times a year. Its not easy to meet everyone's expectations.

Your H does seem to want to see his parents very regularly although thats not always a bad thing.
Easter hols are 2 weeks that's 14 days, he is suggesting visiting for 4 days at the very beginning. Why not plan your holiday later in the break.

I too wanted o know how far away they lived.

2 hours each way! It's day trip territory.

There no need for all the staying over for days on end. This is where the problem lies.

My parents moved to a place which is 1hr 45 mins drive. When we visit its only a day trip, unless there is some evening event occurring where we might want to have drinks. Sleeping over in someone else's home is not easy. Particularly y with young DC. Your own home is set up for them.

I'd just stay home this time and gradually phase down the amount of days away.

Just seen how long a day trip would take. I would say that's a fair compromise. Half of the holidays stay a few days and then have day trips to see them.

by splitting the family up to go and see grandparents it’s stopping the kids having time with me/me having time with them/them having time with each other/me having time with my husband.

They have the rest of the year to do this - it's not as if they're in school all day, after all.

I agree that six visits a year isn't excessive, but the length of visits probably is. You need to make it day trips or single overnighters, possibly going for nearby airbnbs or Travellodges.

Ragwort - because the visits to his family have used up our annual leave and visiting budget. My family are 4 hours away and I'd have to get a hotel room. Problem is he keeps saying that we won't see them for a while and can do something else but then agrees to visit again!

OP'S proposed solution of hosting as well as a couple of visits there is better than the DH blithely insisting on taking one child off regardless. Her solution doesn't reduce the time spent with PIL, only the location.

He's the one being inflexible, insisting on visits to them all the time. He's also prioritising visiting his parents over family holidays with his wife and DC, which I don'tthink is healthy. They see his parents more than hers.

When I was growing up my Grandmother (DM's mother) lived a 10 hour drive away - but we still saw her for between 1 and 3 weeks every holiday. My DF and her didn't get along, so he simply didn't come with us which was by far the best decision all round as it meant my DM got to spend the time she wanted with her mother, and we had a good relationship with our GM. During the longer holidays DF would come and join us for the last night then we'd go on a family holiday (minus GM) on our own.

I don't think it's unreasonable for your DH to want to visit regularly, and I think it's also perfectly fine for you not to want to go too every time. I think that will take the stress out of it for you and still allow decent relationships.

The issue is how inflexible and prescriptive he's being. You don't need to go EVERY holiday and you don't need to stay for several days

^^ This. Although your DH is saying he’s going for the children’s benefit, I suspect there’s more to it than that. He either resents your parents being closer, so is claiming his share, or he’s one of those surprisingly numerous men who are still tied to their parents.

I think you should push for shorter stays. Ofvernight or two nights at the most. That way you might not mind it being every holiday. Personally, I wouldn’t like him ‘splitting the family’ so I’d try to come to an agreement to all go but for a shorter time.

I am a bit like your husband to be honest. I like to go home for the weekend whenever I have holidays. Home is my parents house and a four hour drive away. My kids are the only grandchildren and my parents miss them. They make the effort to come over for the kids birthdays but my dad has sciatica and cannot travel in a car or train for that long. If is not the only place we will go but we tend to go en route if we are going for s short break anywhere else in the UK. My dh is thankfully more understanding than you, it helps that my mum is a great cook and they are always loving and warm towards us all. If the cooking at your inlaws is awful, offer to cook yourself, maybe they would appreciate the effort? Stay somewhere close by but spend time at your inlaws instead. Tbh I dont see why staying in a double room is such a hardship for a few days if it would make your dh happy. It's called taking one for the team, does he never do that for you? What if he turned around and said he didn't want to see your mum as often as you do how would you feel?

I am not saying that going to your inlaws should be at the expense of going away for a few days break but appreciate that some compromises do need to be made in a relationship. Talk to each other. Yabu

Why can't they get a airbnb or hotel by you? Could you get bnb by them?

YABU, assuming there’s nothing untoward involved, children should get the opportunity to develop a close relationship with their grandparents, it’s much more important than going on holiday.

I also don't expect my dh to come with us all the time but he considers my parents to be his family too as I do his! Do your own thing if you would prefer, your dh is offering you a compromise.

Why don't you rent a holiday cottage near where they live and just meet up with them everyday for a day out, that's what we do.

Suggest a break somewhere else with your Dp and Kids. No other family involved.

Break the old routine

Personally I can't bare routines like that

So its ok for him to visit your family but not ok for you to visit his, maybe he doesnt like visiting your family or doesnt like your Mums cooking but puts up with it without making a drama

I bet all these people telling the OP she is being unreasonable, wouldn't relish spending every holiday with their ILs. As for the bollocks that they won't be around forever - they could well live throughout the DCs entire childhood. Besides, who wants to be waiting for their ILs to die so that they can have a family holiday without them - that's not going to breed resentment and ill feeling at all, is it?
I wouldn't want my DC to be taken away from me every holiday - 4 is old enough to be in school and certainly by next year she will be. OP will want to spend school holidays with her own children.

When you have young children, time together in holidays is really important. Nothing wrong with him seeing his parents, andis good for children to have a relationship with grandparents.
But here it seems that the balance is off. The priority is you spending time together as a family. Six times a year, for several days to me, is a lot when long distances are involved, and obviously there are two lots of parents. Your DH seems not to have entirely grown up if he sees time with his parents as the most important thing. I also agree that him going off for 4 days with your four year old is not on. Firstly because it sounds like he’s telling you, not discussing it with you, secondly because if DD1 is at school, time in the holidays together as a family is very precious.
I’d try to get a compromise of an overnight stay, or 2 days, but I don’t really know how you could deal with it long term. You have different priorities, so some compromise is necessary. I’d find it difficult coping with a partner like this.

I just want to clarify - the 4 year old is at school now!

I don't get it. Why are the British so appalled at the thought of spending time with their parents/ILs. In most other cultures, families expand to include newcomers and everyone sees everyone regularly. i adore my DM and I adore my DC, Why would I want to see them only 2-3x a year?

Wait till your children grow up & marry someone who tries to distance you from them and your grandchildren & insists on minimal duty visits only.

Easter, Christmas, Summer is acceptable but either at yours or theirs. Every half-term week too is ridiculous, the DC won't want that as they get older so you need to stop the habit now.
Why does his desire to prioritise visits to his parents trump your desire for family holidays?

Plan some days out/play dates during next half-term and tell him that DD is staying with you.