To think we shouldn’t have to visit PiLs every holiday?

[greenfrog21]

My DH says the most important thing to him in the school holidays is making sure our DDs (4 and 1) see their grandparents. This is more important to him than us going away ourselves / with anyone else.

We have plans to see my family over the Easter weekend, and as a result he wants to make sure we see his parents for 4 days. He doesn’t want them to visit us (in London) as he says it’s hard work hosting them (which it is - they are not easy guests, but I still prefer it to staying at their house). So we have to visit them, in their house which is cramped, sleeping on an incredibly uncomfortable mattress in a small double bed (DD2 co sleeps), suffering MiL’s cooking, and in a village where we need to get in a car to drive anywhere interesting.

I have no issue with staying at their house occasionally, but I do not want to be spending several days there every 6/7 weeks. (We were there for 4 days at Christmas and 3 days at the February half term.) By contrast, we go to stay with my DF and DSM twice a year (in a very comfortable house with delicious cooking) - they are very happy to visit us; and we see my DM often but for short periods of time as she also lives in London.

DH has now said he’s going to his parents for 4 days the day after term ends and is taking DD1 with him and I can go when I like with DD2 (who is still breastfeeding). So he is recognising the fact that I don’t want to go, but I don’t like the idea of splitting the family up like that. I also don’t like that he’s going immediately after term ends as I’d like DD1 to have some downtime first. I feel like DH and his parents are dictating our holidays. AIBU? How often do others visit family?

I have parents abroad and my PIL close so we see them often, so I am the opposite.

I tend to encourage my parents to stay with us whenever they want if they are in the U.K. and then have some holiday time visiting them BUT for us I think that would mean no more than 2-3 weeks split over a couple of trips in the summer (so we don't have a summer holiday other than visiting them, but go away at other times elsewhere). They live in a nice house in a country that is lovely in summer, but I am still aware that it is their space and it is not my husband's parents - my husband is very agreeable, gets on with my parents and doesn't make me feel like that but it is just how I feel for me. I have visited my parents on my own but it is hard work travelling pregnant with toddler (and will be with two kids) and I miss my husband so have dialled that down - again, not due to husband but due to me.

The right answer is probably the one that makes everyone most happy in the round.

I think the main issue here is that her DH wants to visit for days it seems only during the school holidays despite them only living 2 hrs away. He could make the effort to visit more with day trips vs using the school holidays to see his parents. He finds his parents hard work when they stay so it’s not just OP. OP rather them stay with her vs them going there so she is not trying to stop them from visiting either.

They could likely do one/two day trips a month and the Easter and Christmas holidays with them (since they can figure out how to split that time). That would be about a minimum 10 day visits and how ever many days they spend with his parents during the holidays.

My parents are about a 16hr plane ride and a 9 hr drive away while my in-laws are 4.5-8 (depending on traffic). We would spend bank holidays, Easter, Christmas, and New Years and go up for birthdays for days at the in-laws. My husband is close with his family but as time has gone by he has decided to cut down on the trips because it has been becoming too much for him and it was expensive (we now do a hotel because it is cheaper and more comfortable than staying with them and it doesn’t effect his niece and nephews overnight stays). My parents come and visit for 10 days once a year or every other year since our oldest was born and now during his school holidays. Despite the distance, our boys have a better relationship with them compared to my in-laws due to my parents Skyping us every week since he was born. My in-laws only talk to our boys when they are physically in their presence or someone has made the effort to Skype and they’ll pop on, other than that they call their son and only speak to him.

You can add video calling maybe once a week so the grandparents can see and talk to your children to help in between visits.

I have 3DC and our children's grandparents live an hour's drive away and a two and a half hour drive away respectively. Over the years different arrangements have suited us. When the kids were very little we used to go on a big family holiday in the summer - book a cottage for two weeks and have a week with one set of parents staying with us, then a week with the second set of parents. Worked brilliantly and we were in control of where we booked and arrangements of rooms and meals - they got the chance for lots of days out with the grandkids and a holiday they didn't have to plan and book, plus we got the odd evening off as they would babysit. Shared the costs. Doing that meant less pressure for big family holidays the rest of the year, so we would do odd weekends at either parents' houses. If we went to my parents for Easter weekend, we'd make a point of having a weekend at the other GPs a few weeks later.

Now kids are older the GPs come to us more - we have a spare room and enough space so it works well, we encourage them to come in term time and when we have other stuff on like kids activities etc, they fit in around our family life but get plenty of time with the GC. We go to them less as it is more effort for them to host us as they get older (in terms of cooking/shopping etc). We mostly go as a unit, but it has been known for one parent to take a combo of kids to their own parents' house.

DHs parents have also looked after our kids in our house so we could go away for a couple of days, and my parents have our kids for a few days in the summer to save us a few days of leave.

These days we usually have our main summer holiday alone as a family of 5, though this year we invited DHs parents for one of the weeks as they'd had a rough year and might not have got a break otherwise. Booked a cottage with an annexe for two and it was ideal.

I would try above all else to try to keep all relationships going, and to recognise the GPs and GCs need to keep those relationships close, and gently encourage your DH to carry on thinking creatively about how it can work for all of you. It's not about equal numbers of days/hours, but about reasonable frequency and the chance to catch up and spend time together. In our family we quite often have video calls with the GPs we see in person slightly less often (DHs parents).

I think you just need to mix it up a bit so you aren’t always going to stay there.

You DH going ahead of you for a couple of days is a good compromise for easter. I think it is quite normal and a good suggestion.

In the summer, you could have a family holiday within easier driving distance of his parents without staying there, see them 3 or 4 times (a meal out, a day trip, a visit or two) and do other stuff, go ‘home’ at night.

Another time, have them come to you. Another time, go for a long weekend when your DD has an inset day perhaps so that you can keep a half term break free or to split with your parents.

I disagree with a pp. Not in every case is 'forging a close relationship with GP more important than going on holiday'. It depends on the GP, family dynamics and and the type of people they are. I'd rather have had all my holidays. And I'm sure my DC would agree. And Insay that as someone who gets on reasonably well with my PIL. But nuclear family holidays have been the best times of our life.

The op isn't trying to reduce the visits she wants to shake them up so the in laws come to visit them too. The only reason they don't is because her husband doesn't want to host them. The op is willing to compromise but the husband is the one who won't. Why does it have to be going there every holiday, why does it have to be so long. Why can't the in laws come to stay with them. Did people also miss that they only go to visit the ops parents twice a year. This is not someone trying to exclude their in laws and focus on their own parents this is a husband trying to dictate.

Op when was the last time you had a family holiday together?

I'd love to see the comments if it was the woman wanting to take the children to spend time with her parents and the husband objected ..................

To be fair @Ragwort opinions are pretty split here and lots of posters are taking his side

I'd be saying there's a big world out there that you want your children to experience.
So set out the school holidays, set out some days for your family, equal days for his family, days at home are important and holidays away and no they don't get invited.

Every holiday from school we go to stay with the IL’s too. It’s usually one or two nights. I used to just let dh take the dc’s while I had a break but I actually prefer going now. I see it as a nice little holiday from normal life but then the beds are comfy and the food is good.
Let dh take the children. It’s important they get a solid bond with their extended family. This took me a long time to understand as my family works differently to DH’s. they’re a lot closer.

I think your husband is being inflexible if he wants to spend part of every holiday visiting his parents or doing tit for tat with visits to your parents. I think the solution he's offered in the meantime is reasonable, but I'd want to have a discussion about how this is going to work long term. As others have suggested, it would be better not to get into a routine of visiting every school holiday and you could shake things up by suggesting he does a few weekends at theirs or they come to you more. This is only fair.

Wtfdoipick I think you missed that the OP's mum lives in London so sees her regularly. I would agree seeing her father only twice a year is very little.
All this of course has probably only been happening for a few years since the children were born - as they grow up holidays abroad become easier and eventually they won't want to go away at all with their parents. This is not a forever-situation.

Every school holiday would drive me mad. Perhaps cut it down to 3 days in the holidays that are a minimum of 2 weeks. Then you would have time to go away.
Could you go to PIL’s at weekends instead? Would free up the holidays.

Him going for a couple of nights is fine.
Ridgedly telling you that it has to happen at every holiday is not ok.

Definitely let him off to visit them and enjoy your time doing what you like. Lots of families do this.

Let him take her. If she ends up hyper/unable to sleep on day one of the holidays at least you won't be dealing with it...

I would say that maybe he's picking up on your issues with his family and is pushing back with the insistence on seeing them a lot. Perhaps the house is comfortable to him, and his DM's cooking is familiar?

On the other hand, you're clearly seeing them a lot. Way too much for most people unless their IL's were their best friends. So just let him take the dc's, and enjoy the break. If the responsibility is all on him, he might stop going as much...

So set out the school holidays, set out some days for your family, equal days for his family

The problem there is that her DM lives locally, and her DF is only visited twice a year. So it can't be equal in either case.

I'd love to see the comments if it was the woman wanting to take the children to spend time with her parents and the husband objected

Use the search facility? There have been plenty of threads along those lines. But I can save you some time by letting you know that the comments tend to be very similar to these. You can relax your eyebrow now.

As someone with sons, this worries me. Am I destined to forever be sidelined in favour of their spouses’ families - something that Mumsnet would certainly suggest given the plethora of threads like this?

I think it's nice he wants to facilitate a relationship between his parents and his children, but I'd be frustrated at the lack of importance of family time just you, him and your children! I don't think you should stop anyone going but maybe say to your husband...yes, we will stay with your parents at Christmas and summer, but then maybe book a holiday just us four at Easter? Then what I would do is meet then at a midway point (especially of you're only 1.5hr away) for the day every few weeks at a cafe/restaurant/soft play/national trust then everyone is happy.

I think it's a lot to spend four days at a time there every holiday, I understand why your husband wants this but I also understand why you don't, and he should also be open to compromise

Your H does seem to want to see his parents very regularly

What's wrong with that? I'm grown up and married and speak to my parents several times a week and see them every 2-3 weeks as well. I don't understand why wanting to see your parents on a regular basis is seen as a bad thing by some!

OP, I think you're being unreasonable. Six times a year is not a lot at all. My in-laws live around the corner from us and I see them at least twice. a week and often pop in for coffee without DH - and we don't even have kids. It's nice to have a relationship with my extended family.

They only live two hours away - if you really don't want to see them every school holidays, then can't you visit at a weekend or on bank holidays? You can drive two hours there and back in a day easily.

I would agree weekends and/or bank holidays would be perfectly acceptable instead of a chunk of school holidays.

I understand op I have a similar situation and I hate it. You don’t mind spending some time with them but not the majority every time you have time off, that’s understandable and you want time as your little family just yourselves. Absolutely nothing wrong with that and I think that’s more normal than spending so much time with in laws! Every family dynamic is different and it’s ok to want your own space as a family!

I'm sure Mums are hardwired to reject inlaws because they're not blood relatives and we're so protective of our DC....some kind of innate animal instinct

Certainly this reflects the general MN attitude, Dad's opinions about his children are rarely considered, they're 'my' children. Maybe your OH will start being so negative about his in-laws and tell you to go and enjoy the delicious food without him! Four days is harldy 'splitting the family', such a drama queen phrase.

I'm sure Mums are hardwired to reject inlaws because they're not blood relatives and we're so protective of our DC....some kind of innate animal instinct

I think that's ridiculous. Your DP is not your blood relative but you trust him, and his parents are blood relations to your DC. My grandfather is not a blood relative, I would trust him with DD's life. There are plenty of people in my family who are not blood relations and I don't mistrust them with my child because of that.

Another general MN attitude is that a woman is some kind of freak if she isn't happy to be without her small children for days at a time and doesn't actually want her husband/parents/in laws to take them off her hands.