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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we shouldn’t have to visit PiLs every holiday?

207 replies

greenfrog21 · 04/03/2020 03:12

My DH says the most important thing to him in the school holidays is making sure our DDs (4 and 1) see their grandparents. This is more important to him than us going away ourselves / with anyone else.

We have plans to see my family over the Easter weekend, and as a result he wants to make sure we see his parents for 4 days. He doesn’t want them to visit us (in London) as he says it’s hard work hosting them (which it is - they are not easy guests, but I still prefer it to staying at their house). So we have to visit them, in their house which is cramped, sleeping on an incredibly uncomfortable mattress in a small double bed (DD2 co sleeps), suffering MiL’s cooking, and in a village where we need to get in a car to drive anywhere interesting.

I have no issue with staying at their house occasionally, but I do not want to be spending several days there every 6/7 weeks. (We were there for 4 days at Christmas and 3 days at the February half term.) By contrast, we go to stay with my DF and DSM twice a year (in a very comfortable house with delicious cooking) - they are very happy to visit us; and we see my DM often but for short periods of time as she also lives in London.

DH has now said he’s going to his parents for 4 days the day after term ends and is taking DD1 with him and I can go when I like with DD2 (who is still breastfeeding). So he is recognising the fact that I don’t want to go, but I don’t like the idea of splitting the family up like that. I also don’t like that he’s going immediately after term ends as I’d like DD1 to have some downtime first. I feel like DH and his parents are dictating our holidays. AIBU? How often do others visit family?

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 04/03/2020 11:42

I take the kids to my family, he takes them to his. Job done.

user1493494961 · 04/03/2020 12:10

I agree with pp, 2 hours travelling is a day trip, but he's entitled to take his children to visit his family. Also agree that as dc get older you will have other social commitments and the 4 day half-termly visits will change over time. As for an Easter visit, with the current health situation, I would tell DH to not be making any plans at the present time.

GabriellaMontez · 04/03/2020 12:16

Yanbu.

He sounds rigid. And like he's laid this out as set in stone, not really a compromise at all. Also sounds more about his wants than the needs of the family.

choli · 04/03/2020 12:55

What would be your ideal outcome, OP?
I think we can guess pretty easily. The great MN go NC.

HaddawayAndShite · 04/03/2020 12:58

Am I destined to forever be sidelined in favour of their spouses’ families
Except that’s not what is happening at all here if you read the OP.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 04/03/2020 13:18

If he is this inflexible you need to approach it with his mindset.

I would get a calendar out and plan all your visits for the year in one go. Agree to a certain number of days with his family, ditto with yours, and an allocation for holidays without either. Maybe some couple time too.

Decide which you are hosting and which are away fixtures. You don't need all visits to be overnighters.

It's lovely that he wants your DC to have a close relationship with their grandparents but ridiculous that he doesn't place any priority on your having recreational time as a family unit. Also it won't be long before your DC have their own social commitments so he needs to understand this can't be the pattern for ever.

SilverySurfer · 04/03/2020 14:04

You're going to visit your own parents at Easter so I don't understand why your DH is unreasonable to want to visit his? If you don't want to go, DH and DD going is the perfect solution.

Lostkeyagain · 04/03/2020 14:09

I think your DH’s solution is more than reasonable, naturally he wants to see his parents and for his DC to know them too.

Isthistrueor · 04/03/2020 14:13

YANBU. I would send the DC to stay with them if they want to see them and they’re old enough. I don’t see why you all need to have a family trip to the Grandparents for a few days every few weeks, it’s bonkers.

EverythingChanges321 · 04/03/2020 14:27

You need to have a straight talking conversation with your DH.

I hated having to go to my grandparents every holiday because I had no friends nearby and grandad had a sleep in the afternoon, so I had to do something like reading and being quiet. It was boring as FUCK!
My parents both worked and so couldn’t look after me during the school holidays.

I would never subject my children or grandchildren to that sort of situation unless there was no other choice.

We live some distance away and see our grandson about once a year and FaceTime occasionally. I’m ok with this.

Throughthegate · 04/03/2020 15:20

Is there any suggestion that the 4 year old and 1 year old are finding this boring?

Oliversmumsarmy · 04/03/2020 16:36

I saw this type of thing happen with one of my dds friends parents.

Husbands parents lived in a different country and wife’s parents lived 100s of miles away.

Every big holiday was spent with his parents and every 1/2 term was spent with hers.

Her parents being “closer” were a lot more flexible when it started to become a problem and were quite happy to travel down for a weekend during term time leaving the 1/2 terms free but his demanded and her husband was quite happy to comply to going to their house each holiday and ended up taking up the 1/2 term holidays as well.

In the end she had to threaten him with divorce where he wouldn’t get the children every holiday and 1/2 term just to go on a family holiday to somewhere other than his families house.

RedskyAtnight · 04/03/2020 16:54

I'm not sure why going to see their grandparents is not considered to be downtime for a 4 year old (or indeed, what they are doing at school that they need downtime at the end of term)? Surely they will just be playing at home, going to the park, being fed junk food ...?

Butterymuffin · 04/03/2020 16:59

I'm surprised that he isn't keen on hosting as while it can be 'too much work', it's work that usually falls on the stay at home partner, rather than the working out of the home person as he is. Can you get him to reconsider that option?

Weebitawks · 04/03/2020 17:09

It sounds like he's sussed a compromise and you're still not happy...

Soontobe60 · 04/03/2020 17:20

So actually you have loads of time to do things as a family if he works from home!
I think if you’re honest with yourself, you just don’t like going there. If you went for 3 days every school holiday that would total 18 days. Your child gets 65 days school holidays. Leaves you with 47 days to do things with your family in London.

Aderyn19 · 04/03/2020 18:53

Working from home means working, not having 'loads of time to do things as a family'!

Aderyn19 · 04/03/2020 18:54

And if she doesn't like going there, why should she have to every holiday? It's as much her holiday time as it is her dh's and if she wants to go away with her h and kids, on a trip that doesn't involve her ILs, that's hardly a big ask!

phoenixrosehere · 04/03/2020 19:44

So actually you have loads of time to do things as a family if he works from home!

Um.. not true for most people that work from home. My husband works from home a few days a week and I rather he be in the office because I spend more time trying to stay quiet and keep our youngest away than the chores I need to do. I go on errands (weather-permitting) when he works from home (especially if there are calls involved) if I’m not working and if he’s out I do the things that need to be done at home.

Darbs76 · 04/03/2020 19:50

I have always gone to visit my family at half term (250 mile round trip) as that’s been important to me. I’m glad I did as my dad is no longer with us. I wouldn’t have compromised on it, had my ex partner raised an objection. I reduced the amount of time I was there so he could also have some time with the children in the holidays, but I wasn’t going to agree not to go. But I can see that it’s not ideal for you, would be be prepared to make it every other? So February, May, summer and October? That way you get some immediate family time too.

squeekums · 04/03/2020 22:24

Id say a fair compromise is one for one
One holiday you go to inlaws, next one not
Id hate for EVERY holiday to be at inlaws and its not fair your DH expect this

Alsohuman · 04/03/2020 22:34

if I reject his background, I reject him

There are many wise words on this thread but these are the wisest of all. Spot on.

hellcarryingahandbag · 04/03/2020 23:07

Ithink it’s far more important for the kids to have time with their parents and siblings than with their grandparents, so by splitting the family up to go and see grandparents it’s stopping the kids having time with me/me having time with them/them having time with each other/me having time with my husband. Family time as a 4 is precious and it’s being sacrificed to have family time with grandparents instead.
Are you one of those fluffy idiots that post on social media about "our little family"? This our little family mentality is sickening... grandparents are fundamental to a child's upbringing. Have you never heard the proverb "it takes a village to raise a child"?ConfusedHmm

hellcarryingahandbag · 04/03/2020 23:24

@greenfrog21 @Poorolddaddypig

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/It_takes_a_village

Kastanien · 05/03/2020 06:50

My husband can be a bit the same. He said to his Mum that we'd go and see her soon. We've seen them 4 times in the last 12 months, they live 12 hours away and every day of annual leave has been spent visiting them. I haven't been able to visit my family as a result!

So not the same at all then. OP says she sees her DM regularly as she lives close by.

OP, if he is self employed, how much AL does he allocate to himself? Can he decide to just take it and go, or does he have to plan it well in advance and get cover ?

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