To think we shouldn’t have to visit PiLs every holiday?

[greenfrog21]

My DH says the most important thing to him in the school holidays is making sure our DDs (4 and 1) see their grandparents. This is more important to him than us going away ourselves / with anyone else.

We have plans to see my family over the Easter weekend, and as a result he wants to make sure we see his parents for 4 days. He doesn’t want them to visit us (in London) as he says it’s hard work hosting them (which it is - they are not easy guests, but I still prefer it to staying at their house). So we have to visit them, in their house which is cramped, sleeping on an incredibly uncomfortable mattress in a small double bed (DD2 co sleeps), suffering MiL’s cooking, and in a village where we need to get in a car to drive anywhere interesting.

I have no issue with staying at their house occasionally, but I do not want to be spending several days there every 6/7 weeks. (We were there for 4 days at Christmas and 3 days at the February half term.) By contrast, we go to stay with my DF and DSM twice a year (in a very comfortable house with delicious cooking) - they are very happy to visit us; and we see my DM often but for short periods of time as she also lives in London.

DH has now said he’s going to his parents for 4 days the day after term ends and is taking DD1 with him and I can go when I like with DD2 (who is still breastfeeding). So he is recognising the fact that I don’t want to go, but I don’t like the idea of splitting the family up like that. I also don’t like that he’s going immediately after term ends as I’d like DD1 to have some downtime first. I feel like DH and his parents are dictating our holidays. AIBU? How often do others visit family?

Biotite why do you only do what your DH wants, why on earth don't you just visit your own family without him?

OP, there is a sense of contempt for his parents which your dh may feel so this will make him dig in his heels.

We all feel more comfortable with our own families so your views on his parents may be tainted.

Let it go with your full blessing and embrace the idea. If he feels relaxed and refreshed from time away that will have a benefit for you. Plan a family holiday, most families only have one 2 week holiday a year.

I gave friends who routinely split up to visit family, and who take one or both children with them according to time, cost and circumstances. It works great! The adults and children get to see their families more than they otherwise would, and everyone is happy!

One set of family live a long drive and a boat rude away; the other set is a long haul flight. One parent is tied to school holidays (as are the children obvs).

They do also do joint holidays to both families. Don't see the problem?

My DC’s grandparents 8 hours drive away.
They see them once or twice a year but maintain contact by Phone etc.
We go every second Christmas, they come to us once a year.
Now grandparents are elderly, both DH Dad and my Mum needed care this year After hospital. Despite having family who live in the same city. it was my, now adult, DC they turned to to help care for them. The bond is strong and DC happy to help.
Reassure DH that frequent visits is not essential to keep a bond.
It is the quality of the visit.

Why can't he take the dc Friday night and come back Sunday evening once every 5/6 weeks and in between times all of you go once for the day? No holidays are affected this way.

@katy1213 Twice a year?????? My Mum would be utterly devastated if she only got to see her Grandchild twice a year. But then my brother is really close to my Mum and would never let that happened. He wouldn't let his wife dictate when he could see his Mum

For a 1.5/2 hour drive I would suggest more little but often trips. You could do that in a day. The in-laws might actually prefer this.
As the kids get older it’s not fair on them for half their holidays to be spent away from home.

I don't think 6 visits a year to them is excessive!

Your oh is stuck between a rock and hard place with you, no matter how he bends you still complain.

You're incredibly rude and disparaging about your inlaws and oh how wonderful your family are! Do you realise how that reads?

If her cooking is so terrible, then offer to cook, take a meal down with you, offer to pay for dinner out or takeaway!

Perhaps if you were less unreasonable about everything connected to the inlaws a solution would be easier to find some middle ground. Eg you be less of a moaner and joyfully invite them over to yours say in half term breaks so that frees you up a bit and alternates the visits.

@greenfrog21 As has been touched upon above, tell DH you've booked a holiday to X place (anywhere you can think of) and he can either come with you and the kids or he can go to his parents.

See how he likes it.

Every holiday indeed. Madness

Is there any possibility of getting an air bnb or hotel that's within easy reach of their house, so that you could see them but be more comfortable and not be with them 24/7?

This.

And if you want to escape MIL's cooking, suggest you all go out to eat.

As much as I completely see your point on this matter I reluctantly think YABU.

The key element here is your husband’s willingness to hear you and provide a solution.

It’s not perfect and I agree that whipping 4yo away the moment term ends isn’t ideal, but unless she’s showing signs of it negatively impacting her I think this is your mental speed bump to get over.

And FWIW, I get that YANBU about that suffocating “every damned holiday” feeling, it would do me in too.

But keep talking. Unlike many partners featured on AIBU yours sounds like he’s got capacity to reason.

He is being very U to prioritise seeing his parents over time for your “nuclear” family.

IMO this is primarily for his/his parents’ benefit rather than the DC. (DC develop relationships with their grandparents depending on a range of factors, including but not only how often they see them).

He is presumably using up annual leave too.

His compromise is OK as an occasional thing, but not a regular thing as it would not then be a compromise.

In your situation I wouldn’t agree to so many visits but would continue to offer to host.

As PPs have said, there’s no need to stay overnight if they’re less than 2 hours away. I used to regularly drive my DC for day trips to a forest park (they loved the water coaster rides!) that was 105 miles and two hours drive away, in the Highlands. They slept in the car on the way back when they were little.
I think you should be more proactive. Get your holiday ideas in first, before he mentions the ILs yet again. Show him brochures for fab family holidays abroad in the sun, heated pool, great food, sightseeing etc. Then say “...or I suppose we could just go to your parents - again!”

Be glad you have dd's OP because for many mum's of sons the dil often gets her very unreasonable way.
Fortunately for your il's your dh has a backbone and won't let you stop him seeing his dp's.

WhT about one of the hols air bnb near ILs but in nice countryside/ grounds of stately home/ near a good restaurant. Then ILs pop over every other day or join you on days out.

Oops, has already been suggested.

I don't see why it has to be holidays. 2 hours drive is fine. He could go for a day or one overnight and back. No I would not like every holiday but I don't know what you can do if that's his priority.

6 times a year and every school holiday is a lot, if it involves annual leave and he has 25 days annual leave a year. He/they could go for one night, or PiL could visit.

My mum is 1.5 hours away. It's a day trip. We very rarely stayed over when we visited my family with the kids. That's no need for this to affect your holiday time. You could make it a weekend every six weeks/couple of months.

You have a horrible attitude to his family home, and seem to think that is a reason to go less. It isn't. This is about family.

Having said that, I'd be suggesting his parents came to you for the odd weekend. If they're not easy guests or should be manageable for one or two nights, rather than the four days which your DH seems to find necessary.

DH seems to be beginning to compromise, with this plan. Don't be 'that' DIL who puts his family second.

Where has the OP said she wants to stop her DH seeing his parents Frenchw1fe? She just wants to stop spending half of all holidays there!
As I’ve said above OP why not spend more just days there. They would see you more often but for less blocks of time.

For 1.5/2 hours away I agree with others - a day trip or possibly a weekend (at the ages of your DC they won't have lots of homework etc to complete) every half term would seem to make sense. Possibly you can go for a longer stay in the summer.

@Marnie76 OP doesn't have to go though does she?
I agree with some day trips occasionally, that would be a good compromise and in a few years you may consider leaving dc with dgps for 2 nights on their own.

Every holiday is too much. You're setting a real precedent here too. I would prioritise time as a family of four over seeing GP every single holiday. You may find your DC protest too as they get older and have hobbies of their own, especially as it doesn't sound like an enjoyable stay.
Things get set in stone very easily. Older people don't like change and can become very demanding. Be careful.

I’m not quite understanding why he can’t go with DD1 (and in time DD2) whole you stay at home. They get more space, you get 48 hours of peace. We did this as DH gets school holidays off but I work ft. Though it shouldnt make a difference whether you work or not. Everyone’s a winner. His parents are 5-6 hour drive away.

It wasn’t our main holiday though. No need for it to be. 2 weeks in a cramped room in Skegness??

It is a hard one. Obviously it is reasonable that he wants to see his parents and wants the children to spend time with them, if you aren't keen then him going with the older child does seem reasonable. I also think you are reasonable, having them at yours for say half the visits and you going to them for half the visits seems perfectly reasonable and maybe sell it to him as that would be a break for his parents as well.

I'm not sure how old they are, sorry if I missed it, he might not realise that if they are elderly they might be finding it tiring to have you all squashed into their house. Might that make him more willing to change the arrangement a little? An example could be instead of you rushing off to them at the start of the holiday maybe your school age child is doing something at school, an Easter display or something, or in July a sportsday. How nice to invite them for a few days to see that and be able to see their grandchild in their school. Then you don't have to visit them for that holiday.

Hope that might help.