To think we shouldn’t have to visit PiLs every holiday?

[greenfrog21]

My DH says the most important thing to him in the school holidays is making sure our DDs (4 and 1) see their grandparents. This is more important to him than us going away ourselves / with anyone else.

We have plans to see my family over the Easter weekend, and as a result he wants to make sure we see his parents for 4 days. He doesn’t want them to visit us (in London) as he says it’s hard work hosting them (which it is - they are not easy guests, but I still prefer it to staying at their house). So we have to visit them, in their house which is cramped, sleeping on an incredibly uncomfortable mattress in a small double bed (DD2 co sleeps), suffering MiL’s cooking, and in a village where we need to get in a car to drive anywhere interesting.

I have no issue with staying at their house occasionally, but I do not want to be spending several days there every 6/7 weeks. (We were there for 4 days at Christmas and 3 days at the February half term.) By contrast, we go to stay with my DF and DSM twice a year (in a very comfortable house with delicious cooking) - they are very happy to visit us; and we see my DM often but for short periods of time as she also lives in London.

DH has now said he’s going to his parents for 4 days the day after term ends and is taking DD1 with him and I can go when I like with DD2 (who is still breastfeeding). So he is recognising the fact that I don’t want to go, but I don’t like the idea of splitting the family up like that. I also don’t like that he’s going immediately after term ends as I’d like DD1 to have some downtime first. I feel like DH and his parents are dictating our holidays. AIBU? How often do others visit family?

I wonder if people in other cultures are happy to see extended family so often or if they too might prefer a little more time to themselves. Also, as much as you might like your own family, you might not like your ILs quite so much. Which is why each spouse has to be fair and not expect every holiday or weekend to be spent with them.

Squitface I agree! You reap what you sow. If you bring your DC to believe it is normal to see their GP only 2-3x a year then that is how they will be with you when they have DC of their own.

Why does someone always have to drag this “other cultures” shit up in every thread about family relationships. It’s borderline racism. People who aren’t white don’t all have exactly the same feelings towards their bloody relatives; they are individuals with independent thoughts too you know!

All this fuss when they are only two hrs away?

That's one overnight at most!!

I think the idea of him going with the oldest is fine-as long as there was nothing else planned.

But 4 days because you are seeing your folks at Easter?

So for example are you seeing each of your parents for 2 days & therefore he thinks his parents should get 4days?

So I'm in a similar situation as your DH, I live a 3 1/2 hour drive away from my family so the only time I get to spend any stretch of quality time with them is during school holidays. Weekends feel very rushed as I have a big extended family and my children love playing with their cousins but it's impossible to see everyone within a short space of time.

By Contrast DH 's parents live only 30 minutes away so we do end up seeing them more frequently, at least once a week and so we have no need to stay over and it's easy for them to come to us too.

Without the stay overs during school breaks I do feel my children will have significantly less contact and consequently less of a bond with my side of the family.

Having said that, we do go on family holidays too (just us). If we are holidaying, I visit my family over a weekend before or after we get back. It's a big hassle logistically and physically tiring but I think it's important that my children spend time with my family.

You need to break the holiday cycle. Can't you suggest going to visit one weekend a month? Could be a day visit or an overnight, then it takes the pressure away from spending holidays with them.

My grandkids are my world, and I'd hate not seeing them often.

As another poster said, try and not get into the habit of going to stay every school holiday if you can, Mix it up a bit. It'll become the expectation that it happens every time, which is fine when the children are little, but not so great when they're older.

Slightly different but my parents used to insist on us coming to visit every school holiday - again a distance that could be done in a day trip but that wasn't good enough. They moved when my children were little to a tourist area ( although they live very much on the outskirts so not much to do without travelling) and believed that the DS's were only ever their happiest when they were there ( yes, they said that!) and would be offended if instead of visiting them we went on holiday!

As time went on, and the children hit secondary school age, they didn't want to visit every school holiday, and it's been pretty tough trying to get my parents to accept that. We've now moved onto longer visits during the summer and Christmas and fairly regular day visits in between. Nothing gets said about half terms/Easter. Its much better, I feel less pressure to arrange holidays around their plans and the children are happier with the flexibility.

Visiting my MIL every school holiday for 4 days would be my idea of the ultimate nightmare! My MIL isn't exactly normal but even if she was, I'd still feel like I need more space than just one half term. What on Earth does your husband think you should do during the summer holidays? Spend at least 2 weeks with his parents?

My in-laws are 2 hours away and they come fri-Tuesday at least once a month. My parents are 4 hours away and I take my children home for a week every holiday while my DH works. I can’t imagine him behaving like you are. 4 days out of the Easter holidays is really not a lot and good on him for not dumping his parents once he got married.

Imagine a man wanting to see his parents regularly and wanting him to be part of his childrens' lives. I mean, 6 times a year! And suggesting his wife stay home because she foesnt want to come. Outrageous!

YANBU this would drive me mad but i do also see your DH reasoning that he wants his DC to have a good relationship with his parents. Could they come to London but stay in a hotel close by for a couple nights once/twice a year? Also a 2 hour journey isn't that bad could you do it on weekends, leave after school friday, home sunday afternoon, not great i know but surely once/twice a year? Then they would be seeing DC regularly but you wouldn't need to stay for days on end or use up your holidays?

Do you have to go with him? DD is 4 and I take her to stay with my family every half term and holiday for at least a few nights. My argument is that my parents are elderly and not in the best health so I want to make the most of it before they are unable to do much with DD.

DP doesn't come, and on the rare occasion he takes DD to visit his family, I try to stay behind.

Seeing them once or twice a year is hardly anything

Frenchw1fe yes totally agree with you on this. OP could go every other time they go up for a day. Seems like the perfect solution for everyone.

Your H does seem to want to see his parents very regularly although thats not always a bad thing
Seriously, "that's not always a bad thing"?
I would address the comfort side. Even if it came to buying a bed you can sleep in, or staying locally but not with them.

Your DH has thought of a way to keep everyone happy but you're STILL not happy;

This was what I thought when reading the op too. You have to compromise somewhere otherwise everything is what you want to do. Where does your DH's wishes come in? It's good for children to know and have relationships with their grandparents.

gingersausage
Why does someone always have to drag this “other cultures” shit up in every thread about family relationships. It’s borderline racism. People who aren’t white don’t all have exactly the same feelings towards their bloody relatives; they are individuals with independent thoughts too you know!

You have unfortunately for you, been the one to bring colour into the conversation. No one said anything about other RACES or colour Petal. Other 'cultures' MIGHT include Spanish, Italian, Argentinian, or a whole host of countries where the populations are all colours of the rainbow. But you immediately assume it is all about colour. Hmm - shows where your mind immediately goes.

Your H does seem to want to see his parents very regularly

6 times a year is hardly regularly. There are plenty of people who see their parents/in-laws at least once a week.
The issue is the duration of the visit rather than the length. Cut back to day trips or single overnights and the problem is solved.

Are people missing the comment that the OP is a SAHM so has endless time with her DC during the school holidays - her DH has very flexible holiday as well - it's not as if they are trying to fit everything into five weeks annual leave per year.

OP - can you clarify if you have a 'family' holiday as well or is the only holiday your DH takes is to visit his parents?

It does sound a bit rigid and immovable. On this occasion his suggested compromise sounds sensible, but if it's happening every single holiday and this is encroaching into your ability to have family time together and take your own holidays (this is important too) then I don't think YABU. At that distance, a day-visit or staying for one night at weekends rather than eating into your own holiday time might be a better compromise.

That's the important word for me: 'compromise'. If someone is unable to do this then it doesn't bode well for any marriage.

*in your situation I wouldn’t agree to so many visits but would continue to offer to host.'

And if the DC say they want to go, what then? DD is always asking to go to my parents' house. She wouldn't want to stay home with just her dad while I went to visit them on my own, she'd rather come with me. It's not really up to DP if he agrees or not.

I think she meant it was borderline racism to British people - like we are somehow inferior if we don't want constant big family gatherings, like we're in a bloody Dolmio advert.

DCs ages are 1 and 4: the eldest’s wishes will be influenced mainly by the parents.

Imagine a man wanting to see his parents regularly and wanting to be part of his childrens’ lives I mean, 6 times a year! And suggesting his wife stay at home because she doesn’t want to come. Outrageous!

This statement and other comments like this are emotive and disingenuous. 4 days 6 times a year = 24 days. If for example, ops dh goes in the week and gives himself the 28 statutory minimum number of holidays including bank holidays, that leaves him with 4 days to go on with his wife and children holiday - and that’s presuming all bank holidays are during the week, which they’re not That’s not even a mid week break!

As someone married to a foreigner, we used to visit dh’s family pretty much every time he had holiday. We had to stop going for almost 2 years due to my poor health. Now we visit once or twice a year. And I push dh to go alone. I have found a balance finally and you need to as well.

Your pils unlike mine live very closeby really. And as others have pointed out, it’s not the frequency but the duration, which is an issue.

Thing is these things change with time - eg DCs have Birthday party invitation every weekend, ILs move further/ nearer on retirement, ILs aging find DCs too much in small space, OP has work commitments and can't go, etc etc etc. Try this compromise this time but you call the shots next time.