To think we shouldn’t have to visit PiLs every holiday?

[greenfrog21]

My DH says the most important thing to him in the school holidays is making sure our DDs (4 and 1) see their grandparents. This is more important to him than us going away ourselves / with anyone else.

We have plans to see my family over the Easter weekend, and as a result he wants to make sure we see his parents for 4 days. He doesn’t want them to visit us (in London) as he says it’s hard work hosting them (which it is - they are not easy guests, but I still prefer it to staying at their house). So we have to visit them, in their house which is cramped, sleeping on an incredibly uncomfortable mattress in a small double bed (DD2 co sleeps), suffering MiL’s cooking, and in a village where we need to get in a car to drive anywhere interesting.

I have no issue with staying at their house occasionally, but I do not want to be spending several days there every 6/7 weeks. (We were there for 4 days at Christmas and 3 days at the February half term.) By contrast, we go to stay with my DF and DSM twice a year (in a very comfortable house with delicious cooking) - they are very happy to visit us; and we see my DM often but for short periods of time as she also lives in London.

DH has now said he’s going to his parents for 4 days the day after term ends and is taking DD1 with him and I can go when I like with DD2 (who is still breastfeeding). So he is recognising the fact that I don’t want to go, but I don’t like the idea of splitting the family up like that. I also don’t like that he’s going immediately after term ends as I’d like DD1 to have some downtime first. I feel like DH and his parents are dictating our holidays. AIBU? How often do others visit family?

This our little family mentality is sickening... grandparents are fundamental to a child's upbringing.

Absolute nonsense. Spot the overbearing MIL

Grandparents actually aren't fundamental to a child's upbringing, however good grandparents are an asset.

Plenty of people grow up without any, like my mum.

But it has to be flexible, with some give and take on both sides.

Are you one of those fluffy idiots that post on social media about "our little family"? This our little family mentality is sickening...

Seriously? So OP isn't allowed to want to spend time with her children and her husband without having to worry about catering for anybody else?

They spend plenty of time with their extended family. There's no reason they shouldn't be able to spend time as their self-made family unit.

Grandparents actually aren't fundamental to a child's upbringing, however good grandparents are an asset

My children have grown up with no gps in my side and disinterested gps who lived miles away on Dps side.

There is one uncle who again lives miles away and only really speaks on the phone to Dp

Apart from help during the early years which would have relieved some of the pressure on me and missing out on big family parties or the odd Christmas Day gathering (what you have never had you can’t miss) I can't see what extra things that extended family bring.

i agree with a pp that it should be done one holiday you see his family the other you see yours

I can't see what extra things that extended family bring.

You wouldn't if you don't have a supportive extended family that you are close to. Mine are a source of great emotional support and my child adores them.

No matter how well you get on with in-laws, it can at some points, be draining. It’s always that little bit different from being around your own parents/siblings-nothing wrong with that at all!

Could you not do a fri and sat or just a sat at a hotel or b&b once a month or they do the same near you? Or drive halfway each to meet up for days out?

What sounds unfair is the rigidity of every half term being booked, would your husband not like some family holidays? Or could the grandparents have the kids for a night and you have a night nearby for couple time?

see our grandson about once a year and FaceTime occasionally

One a year!? Wow. Sounds like DPs parents, they barely have a bond with DD at all.

I can't see what extra things that extended family bring

Having grown up with a huge extended family - grandparents, seven aunts, 17 cousins, I haven’t got long enough to list the benefits. I feel quite sad that this kind of extended family doesn’t exist much any more.

I wouldn’t want to be trundling around the country every holiday for DC to see their GP’s either OP.

You say you’re a SAHM. Why not take your DC to your parents on weekends? Your DP can take DC to his parents on weekends (not every weekend obviously). Keep holiday dates for the 4 of you to have a holiday, together, without having the stress of feeling you have to throw other people into the mix?

If you decide to accompany your DP to visit his parents at any time book a B and B for a night or two.

I don’t get why visiting two sets of parents is causing so much stress - especially as you are not tied to work schedules and DP is self employed so can take time off when he wants.

I think what is happening is after doing the school run, homework, working and generally being full on during school weeks the idea that the few days off that you might want to spend with your children you have to pack up and move the family a few hundred miles to sleep in a not great bed and have to be aware of others around you.
Then it is back to school and the whole routine starts again.

There is no break.

you have to pack up and move the family a few hundred miles

It's 1.5 to 2 hours drive, so hardly a few hundred miles. They could travel there and back in a day.

But the husband doesn't want to. He wants to go for days at a time and that's the problem.

It's not unreasonable for him to maintain relationships with his family and at a 2 hour drive, that's easily doable with day trips, the odd weekend and maybe a longer stay in a holiday. 4 days every school holiday is utterly unecessary and a sure-fire way to build resentment, especially when the experience is dull and unconfortable. 24 days

MiL is abroad so we go anually for a 4 day visit. The location is nice, but there is a limit on cycling around the pool of local entertainment which has worn thin after nearly 20 years. The bed and sofa are very uncomfortable and by the second day in, my pelvis and back sieze up and I'm in agony. The DCs can't win; they can't bring many toys and we need to be careful about trip hazards, but they get moaned out if they have too much screen time, and SNs mean they are not keen readers/ colouring in.
DH is very welcome to go and visit more regularly, and it is healthy to maintain relationships independently as well as a family unit. He does see a sibling several times a year as that's achievable as a day trip.

My family is quite flexible unstructured about visits. Sometimes we catch up as a family, sometimes I go on my own and I like the variation in dynamic.

24 days a year is a lot! That's getting close to a month, and the equivilent of a lot of peoples' annual leave allowence.

That would only be true if you didnt include weekends Lucky. Its 2 days a month, or equivalent to 1 weekend in 4. Not that excessive.

Every 4th weekend would still be a lot for the whole weekend. A monthly day trip would be a lot less intrusive into making plans around other family commitments, parties, activities, holidays etc.

There is no need for so many nights spent somewhere uncomfortable at that level of distance.

stop moaning and be grateful your children have loving grandparents alive.

Some dont have any and some grandparents dont want to spend time with their grandkids.

Its obvious you prefer your own family to your husbands. Let him do what he wants if you dont want to go. Wish people would be thankful for what they have. The grandies wont be around forever you know.

Half of these visits could be done by the grandparents coming to their children, health allowing. A lot less packing up to do than for four people.

A lot less packing up to do than for four people

Only three. OP’s not going and if she’s got any sense she won’t be doing any packing.

Why on earth are you not just doing this as a regular day trip? Win, win. We did just that for many years till the ILs moved much further away. We much preferred the day trips. Less stress for everyone and home to your own generous bed!

Because her partner wants to stay for overnights, OP does not.

I don't understand Alsohuman OP has been going and she has certainly not been leaving her one year old to go alone without her.
If the trip is agreed, I'd be quite shocked if a sahp couldn't take any part in the packing for it to be honest.

She has been going. She isn’t now. Her bloke’s taking the kids on his own because she doesn’t want to go. Am I the only person who’s RTFT?

Given the distance it should be weekends not holidays. My inlaws are a similar distance away. We went down last saturday morning and came home the same night. We're heading down there tomorrow night and will come back saturday lunch time as we have a party to attend in the afternoon. Seeing family is a regular thing but holidays are for going away to new places not staying with either my mum or my inlaws.

What about suggesting you go on holiday with them to somewhere different?
Or stay in a hotel? My grandmother has the most uncomfortable beds ever. I insisted we got a hotel room once dc1 was born, she wasn't happy but it made going down to visit her so much more pleasant and comfortable.