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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we shouldn’t have to visit PiLs every holiday?

207 replies

greenfrog21 · 04/03/2020 03:12

My DH says the most important thing to him in the school holidays is making sure our DDs (4 and 1) see their grandparents. This is more important to him than us going away ourselves / with anyone else.

We have plans to see my family over the Easter weekend, and as a result he wants to make sure we see his parents for 4 days. He doesn’t want them to visit us (in London) as he says it’s hard work hosting them (which it is - they are not easy guests, but I still prefer it to staying at their house). So we have to visit them, in their house which is cramped, sleeping on an incredibly uncomfortable mattress in a small double bed (DD2 co sleeps), suffering MiL’s cooking, and in a village where we need to get in a car to drive anywhere interesting.

I have no issue with staying at their house occasionally, but I do not want to be spending several days there every 6/7 weeks. (We were there for 4 days at Christmas and 3 days at the February half term.) By contrast, we go to stay with my DF and DSM twice a year (in a very comfortable house with delicious cooking) - they are very happy to visit us; and we see my DM often but for short periods of time as she also lives in London.

DH has now said he’s going to his parents for 4 days the day after term ends and is taking DD1 with him and I can go when I like with DD2 (who is still breastfeeding). So he is recognising the fact that I don’t want to go, but I don’t like the idea of splitting the family up like that. I also don’t like that he’s going immediately after term ends as I’d like DD1 to have some downtime first. I feel like DH and his parents are dictating our holidays. AIBU? How often do others visit family?

OP posts:
thefemalelemur · 04/03/2020 07:00

Is there any possibility of getting an air bnb or hotel that's within easy reach of their house, so that you could see them but be more comfortable and not be with them 24/7? Given that the room is very small and you have two dc you have a good excuse.

NoSquirrels · 04/03/2020 07:01

I'm with Fortunes. Your DH has come up with a compromise - one I was going to suggest! - and you're still furious because it doesn't fit with your idea of how things should be.

You're both trying to dictate.

Your DD doesn't need days of "downtime" at home - she can have that at the grandparents, unless they're some sort of super-fun-on-the-go lot she'll be fine. And if she's not, your DH will have the experience of her being crabby and tired to deal with, and then you'll have more chance of getting your point across that she needs a day or two between school and travelling.

Let your DH go, allow him time with his family, allow him to do what he needs. Just because you only visit your folks twice a year doesn't mean that's the "right" amount. And there are loads of other holidays where you can all go away just the 4 of you. Honestly, 4 days at Christmas, 3 days in Feb and 4 days at Easter sounds absolutely fine to me. It's every 2 months, it's hardly every weekend.

Original poster
greenfrog21 · 04/03/2020 07:02

I don't want to stop DDs from having a good relationship with their GPs - the issues I have are with feeling that we have to go to the PiLs every holiday; that they can't come to us; and that seeing them takes priority over any other potential plans.

My ideal outcome would be much more flexible - they come and visit us for a couple of days at the weekend and/or during holidays - and we go to theirs just a couple of times a year.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 04/03/2020 07:03

Then you need to tackle your DH on why you can't host them...

Grasspigeons · 04/03/2020 07:05

He is hoing to see his mum and Dad with his child and you dont have to go. This seems a good compromise. There are lots of school holidays. Even if 8 days of easter are split equally between your family and his family. There is still time to be together as well.

Wifeofbikerviking · 04/03/2020 07:08

I would probably book a hotel or airbnb near to his parents and make it more of a mini break. Spend some quality time with the parents but also means you have a little time separate too.

I've been doing this with my family for years. I just dont really like having no space and as much as my family are always very welcoming and lovely I'm such an introvert that I cant enjoy it

TinyGhostWriter · 04/03/2020 07:08

Your husbands parents are clearly important to him. It’s great that he is facilitating your child’s relationship with them. They won’t be around forever.

I wish I’d had the opportunity to get to know my grandparents better.

ineedaholidaynow · 04/03/2020 07:08

Is he using annual leave to see his parents?

10FrozenFingers · 04/03/2020 07:11

YABU. Your DH wants to spend time with his parents and for the DCs to get to know them.

As a child I saw my GPs every school holiday and I loved it.Far more than ordinary family holidays, which we also had.

You sound a bit selfish, OP.

AlphaIndigo · 04/03/2020 07:11

I disagree with most of the PP on here. To me this feels less like a compromise and more like your husband is still dictating the terms without really addressing the issue. What will the solution be when you stop breastfeeding? Will you spend the holidays alone whilst he goes with the children? If you don't want to visit every break for the foreseeable future then come up with a better plan for visits, but you may need to start accommodating his parents in your home.

Marnie76 · 04/03/2020 07:12

How far away are they OP?

DonPablo · 04/03/2020 07:12

As someone with no parents now, I can see why this would be good. They won't be here forever and your kids won't remember them much, if at all, if they don't build relationships with them now. I'm not trying to be one of the posters that says my mum is dead, be grateful for what you have, but honestly, spending time with them is precious. It won't be forever. He sounds like a good son and a good father. Try and find a compromise without getting arsey.

Original poster
greenfrog21 · 04/03/2020 07:15

@Marnie76 they're a 1.5/2 hr drive away

OP posts:
stuffedpeppers · 04/03/2020 07:15

YABVU
Your family perfect his not - ever considered how he feels visiting your family.
Your DCS have the right to know both sets of g parents not just yours
His compromise is fantastic.
Your DCS will see village life and different ways of living but obviously stepping outside the M25 is too much for you- where is this hell hole of primitive living anyway?

Families evolve - you have v young DCs and over the next few years he and you will have a different relationship with both sets of parents and see them at different times and ways. He , like you is loyal to his family and you should be pleased he is.

Plenty of excellent suggestions here - airbnb being one.

You come across as hard work and the archetypal mother in law hating individual.

Original poster
greenfrog21 · 04/03/2020 07:17

@ineedaholidaynow DH works for himself so doesn't has a set amount of AL; and I'm a SAHM

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 04/03/2020 07:19

YABVU. You’re ideal outcome is going a couple of times a year? They are your DHs parents not long distance friends.

Would you be happy to see your own parents a couple of times a year or for your children to do the same token visit when adults?

CeibaTree · 04/03/2020 07:21

and we go to theirs just a couple of times a year.
How would you feel if your daughter's future partners put such restrictions on them visiting you?! If your DH wants to see his parents so much then good for him. Sounds like he is compromising by saying you can join them when you want to.

notchickenagain · 04/03/2020 07:22

Yikes! Only a max 2 hours away? That's a day trip. You're lucky he doesn't insist every week.

snappycamper · 04/03/2020 07:23

If they are that close then day trips are the way forward

TitianaTitsling · 04/03/2020 07:27

How often do you see your DM? If she wasn't also 'in London' would you make the effort and have the want to travel to visit?

Biotite · 04/03/2020 07:27

I think he's being inflexible if he insists on going to their house every holiday. Could you go up for a weekend before or after the holiday, or they come to yours for the weekend? 2hrs away is not that far.

My husband can be a bit the same. He said to his Mum that we'd go and see her soon. We've seen them 4 times in the last 12 months, they live 12 hours away and every day of annual leave has been spent visiting them. I haven't been able to visit my family as a result!

ineedaholidaynow · 04/03/2020 07:28

Or could you meet somewhere in the middle for a day? We used to do that with my parents sometimes

Ragwort · 04/03/2020 07:29

As you are a SAHM & your DH's annual leave arrangements are flexible you are making yourself sound even more unreasonable. You seem to want to dictate how your DH spends his free time ... just encourage them to go and enjoy a bit of peace and quiet at home. You sound like a friend of mine who wouldn't 'allow' her DH & DC to go away as she couldn't bear the thought of them having fun without her Hmm.

Aderyn19 · 04/03/2020 07:29

I agree with the OP. She's already seeing her ILs more than her own parents and every holiday in an uncomfortable house sounds grim. I also agree with the pp who said the husband is still dictating terms.
He needs to learn to compromise - if this was me I'd tell him that his behaviour is the equivalent of you booking family holidays elsewhere and telling him he can come with you and the kids or stay behind. Because that's what he's doing to you! See how he likes being on the receiving end.
I would also refuse to stay at the ILs if you are not comfortable. Book a hotel, if you can, in a close town with things to do and dip in and out of visiting family.

gingersausage · 04/03/2020 07:30

You’re being incredibly dramatic with your “splitting the family” and inability to be happy whatever your husband tries to sort out.

You’re moaning because they won’t come to you, but you said you didn’t want them so..? Why do you expect your husband, who obviously gets on well with his parents, to only see them 4 times a year when they only live an hour and a half away? That seems bizarrely controlling to me. He’s not asking you to spend time with them. I can’t believe a grown man is dictated to how often he can see his family Confused.

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