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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dating a lovely man with no disposable money

533 replies

IveGot3kids · 10/02/2020 10:18

I've got a real dilemma. I met a lovely man on online dating, we get on great, and are about 5 or 6 dates in.

I have 3 children and he has 2. All of our children are under 10.

I'm fairly financially comfortable and have enough disposable money to go out for date nights most weeks etc. He's a nurse and is very dedicated to his job and children. He appears to provide the best life he can for them, but as a result, he has seemingly no disposable income. He's been single for a few years and had a very quiet social life so I don't think he realises how much socialising can cost.

I am starting to fall for him and I feel terrible for thinking this, but I don't know if I can continue to pay for all of our dates. Him ever affording a holiday seems impossible.

I am really torn. Am I going to end up falling for him and then resent him down the line?

I know that if I call things off I'll be miserable and sad. AIBU to even consider ending it because of his financial position?

OP posts:
MissBPotter · 10/02/2020 11:18

If he doesn’t even offer to pay or explain that he can’t actually afford to go unless you pay AND doesn’t bring anything AND hast cooked for you I think there is a strong chance he is tight and therefore I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with him. You don’t need an excuse to end things.

Original poster
IveGot3kids · 10/02/2020 11:19

@Bringringbring

I'm not sure. What's the norm? I have other friends who've done similar. If he didn't have children I would be a lot more cautious - is that a bad assumption?

@aroundtheworldyet

The thought crossed my mind he wasn't single. But we text a LOT so I'm not sure.

OP posts:
3rdchristmaslucky · 10/02/2020 11:19

My partner is financially comfortable. I'm currently unemployed and working my way through debt.
I would be heartbroken if he were to split with me because I can't afford the lifestyle he prefers. He does foot the bill when it comes to the more extravagant things but we do take it in turns to pay for the smaller things.
Coffee, takeaway, cinema dates... We split it.
It's about compromise. He may not always be in a position where he is broke.

happycamper11 · 10/02/2020 11:19

I don't buy that he doesn't have any disposable cash, I'm a lone parent who earns less than a nurse and can still afford the odd night out.

Ridiculous comment. I'm also a lone parent and earn less than a nurse, however I get tax credit top ups and exemptions that this man could be just outside of qualifying for so the difference won't be huge. His rent might be more, council tax might be more, his children might do more clubs, he might have a student loan. He might prioritise days out for his children over nights out. I know it's difficult for most on mumsnet to imagine that there are lots of different circumstances in life but this is one of the silliest examples

Soffy · 10/02/2020 11:19

He's a nurse. Admittedly they're not highly paid ,but they earn an OK wage.

Is it not more likely that he's just tight?

AvocadoAdvocate · 10/02/2020 11:19

He's spending his money on things he prioritises, and that's not you. What are his hobbies/interests?

ChrissieKeller61 · 10/02/2020 11:19

I dated a man like this, he’d do/say things like I’ll come and build the kids trampoline you cook dinner. Take one look at the trampoline declare there was a bit missing - there wasn’t - and sat his dinner.
Never again

Original poster
IveGot3kids · 10/02/2020 11:21

@Bringringbring

I'm not sure he's every suggested anything as such, just that he wants to see me.

@Monr0e I wasn't thinking of his kids, just him.

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 10/02/2020 11:21

Have an honest chat with him. Your probably going to stop seeing him so I'd lay everything out on the table. Iv seen friends spending loads on dates, ended up as a couple and in debt because one of them couldn't afford the spending in early dates.

I think you need transparency from him and lay out your issues for him

MyCatHatesEverybody · 10/02/2020 11:21

It's very easy to be "lovely" when you don't have to pay for a single thing.

QueSera · 10/02/2020 11:23

You've had 5/6 dates. Two meals out that you have paid for. A takeaway that you paid for. A meal that you cooked. He bought you a coffee.

And after 5/6 dates you're thinking of introducing this man to your DC who are all under 10, and taking him on a weekend away with them?

OP to me the money thing is bad, huge red flags, I would not continue the relationship, he sounds like a user. However, I am more concerned that you would consider bringing this man into your DCs' lives, when you barely know him, have only been on a few dates, and frankly he doesn't sound great or lovely at all.

Bringringbring · 10/02/2020 11:23

Op you said that he has never suggested anything that involves spending money.

So what HAS he suggested???
As for length of time - you hardly know him, have concerns to his attitude to money already and you’re thinking a mini break with the children - there no set formula to right period to wait until you introduce, but I can tell you that a couple of months and then a Mini break is too early by any measure

Bringringbring · 10/02/2020 11:25

* I'm not sure he's every suggested anything as such, just that he wants to see me.*

And then you’ve suggested lunch etc?

So next time he says - I want to see you.
Say “great, what do you suggest?”

JRUIN · 10/02/2020 11:25

My DD earns considerably more than her partner-not hard he earns peanuts-and he has a child who he pays regular maintenance for, yet he still takes his turn on paying when they go out. My DD understands that it will probably involve just a cheap pub meal or a walk and a picnic, but she doesn't care because she loves him AND he has enough pride not to allow her to pay for him anymore often than he does her. If my DD wants to go out more than what they can fairly afford as a couple, then she goes out with friends so in that way she gets to be with the man she loves whilst not missing out on a social life.

Cosmos45 · 10/02/2020 11:26

I'm a bit torn by this question. A few years ago I would have said, don't bother, find a guy with money (or more on a par with you and what you want to do socially etc).

However, my friend fell in love and married a guy who is on a completely different financial footing to her. Admittedly, she is a stupidly high earner - i don't know her salary but would guess it was in the £300k mark with large bonuses. Her husband is a part time teacher. Whilst there has been a huge disparity in their income they have a very happy marriage and have had a daughter late in life.

Another friend is in a similar situation, earns about 100k a year and has got a lovely boyfriend/partner who she is very much in love with who earns maybe £20k a year.

It's not always about the money..

Original poster
IveGot3kids · 10/02/2020 11:27

@Bringringbring

Thank you. F%K F%K F%K F%K.

OP posts:
Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 10/02/2020 11:27

test him OP..suggest a weekend away just you two...doesnt have to happen of course just flout the idea ...suggest where you could go and how much it would cost ..you will gague from his reaction about finances..if he is open and honest with you then you will know and you can have a firm foundation to build on...atleast you will get a good idea of what he can or cannot do financially and what he can and cannot do willingly....it just might open the door to a conversation which you will be able to find out where you stand and if its worth continuing...

LisBethSalander07 · 10/02/2020 11:27

OP, he's a nurse. A qualified professional, who isn't earning minimum wage. Not a binman. My SIL is a nurse and earns £35k.

You're letting your judgement be clouded. Any man who turns up for a meal you've cooked completely empty handed isn't someone you want in your life long term.

FWIW, you sound lovely. Aim higher Flowers

Bringringbring · 10/02/2020 11:28

* Thank you. F%K F%K F%K F%K.*

Can you elaborate?

helberg · 10/02/2020 11:29

It's absolutely not about disposable income, it's about it being v. early days in a promising relationship and not even trying to redress the massive imbalance in who pays for things.

^This.

He should be saying, let's go out for coffee and cake next week, my treat.
Or "I'll cook for you on Tuesday evening" and he brings the ingredients. If he's a hopeless cook he could bring a pizza or a ready-made lasagna and some garlic bread and salad - anything that can easily be shoved in the oven/shoved on a plate.

I don't like the way he just sits there and lets you pay. Does he not say anything/give a reason?

I think there are two scenarios here:
a) he really is skint and absolutely cannot afford anything at all.
b) he's extremely tight with his money - he isn't rolling in it but could afford a supermarket pizza/takeaway/cheap lunch deal out with a voucher - but doesn't want to spend his money when you're earning more than him.

Neither of these scenarios are great. If (a) do you really want to be paying for both of you to do things together or completely give up on nice days out/meals out.
If (b) get rid now.

I think I'd have to say something like "Next date's on you" and see how he reacts/what he comes up with for a date/if he even arranges another date at all.

Lipz · 10/02/2020 11:29

This doesn't sound right at all. No matter how skint you are, you'll gather a couple of quid for a cheap box of chocolates . Especially when you're only starting dating.

He's been brought out, paid for and cooked for and it's not costing him a penny.

Has he even invited you to his home ?

I'd give it one more try. I'd say to him to come up with a date. See what he plans. If he still refuses to pay then sorry i think he's being stingy. Maybe even pretend to forget your purse at the start of the date if he chooses somewhere that costs money.

aroundtheworldyet · 10/02/2020 11:29

Yes I would test the water when he next texts you about meeting up.
Where are you going to take me !? In a lighthearted way. I’m sure someone else can come up with a decent line!

MatildaTheCat · 10/02/2020 11:29

Have you had a conversation where finances are discussed at all? You are assuming he’s too poor to pay for anything but he could just be too tight. Or he had a massive and unexpected bill to pay which has left him temporarily skint? It makes a difference.

I suspect plain old tight but you could find out before deciding.

Male nurses frequently progress up the pay scale quite rapidly so he may go on to earn very well in the future. I’m not getting much sense of what he’s like from your posts other than he’s nice and doesn’t enjoy spending money.

Chamomileteaplease · 10/02/2020 11:29

It does all sound a bit strange.

There are so many things you can do together which don't cost much money. Whilst you might treat him to a nice lunch out, he could surely cook you a nice dinner at home?

And turning up at your house with nothing? Not even a £3 bunch of tulips? Awful.

It's fine to be frugal on your own but he is now dating and needs to take that into account.

It would make me wonder about his budgeting ability to be honest.

And after 5 or 6 meetings, please don't be thinking of inviting him on your weekend away with your kids just yet! Give them some of your time uninterrupted.

Bringringbring · 10/02/2020 11:30

* test him OP..suggest a weekend away just you two...doesnt have to happen of course just flout the idea ...suggest where you could go and how much it would cost ..you will gague from his reaction about finances..if he is open and honest with you then you will know and you can have a firm foundation to build on*

Do you see how contradictory this suggestion is.
Essentially bluff about a holiday to test how “open and honest” he is Grin