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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dating a lovely man with no disposable money

533 replies

IveGot3kids · 10/02/2020 10:18

I've got a real dilemma. I met a lovely man on online dating, we get on great, and are about 5 or 6 dates in.

I have 3 children and he has 2. All of our children are under 10.

I'm fairly financially comfortable and have enough disposable money to go out for date nights most weeks etc. He's a nurse and is very dedicated to his job and children. He appears to provide the best life he can for them, but as a result, he has seemingly no disposable income. He's been single for a few years and had a very quiet social life so I don't think he realises how much socialising can cost.

I am starting to fall for him and I feel terrible for thinking this, but I don't know if I can continue to pay for all of our dates. Him ever affording a holiday seems impossible.

I am really torn. Am I going to end up falling for him and then resent him down the line?

I know that if I call things off I'll be miserable and sad. AIBU to even consider ending it because of his financial position?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 10/02/2020 10:51

I think he saw you coming tbh.

He's signed up to a dating site, knowing he apparently can't afford to date anyone.

I wonder how many other women have fallen for his story and are paying for his nights out too?

Do you know he's definitely a nurse and dedicated to his children, or is that just what he told you?

Cheeseandwin5 · 10/02/2020 10:51

You know I feel this is one of the posts where the genders have been switched, with the big reveal happening after a number of pages and some people losing their minds as they back track.

LuluJakey1 · 10/02/2020 10:51

You have paid every time you've been out. Then he came round for a meal and did not even bring a bottle of wine? He is not just a bit short of cash, he is mean. Dump him now. He will never change.

KarmaStar · 10/02/2020 10:51

If his being a great father and committed to his children and nurse career and being a genuine person and having a great time isn't enough for you then move on.

IveGot3kids · 10/02/2020 10:51

This reply has been deleted

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Dieu · 10/02/2020 10:52

You are anything but that, OP Thanks

AhNowTed · 10/02/2020 10:52

Few red flags here OP.

Sat there and said nothing.

Not even a £6 bottle of wine.

It's not looking good.

Cookit · 10/02/2020 10:52

Has he ever invited you to anything? Suggested he cook for you?

Wannabegreenfingers · 10/02/2020 10:52

I've been on both sides of this. Before I met my stbexh, I was dropped by dates for having money issues - it was horrible, but I can see why they didn't want to get involved.

At some point in the future I will want to dip my toe back into the dating world and someone who is financially solvent will be on my wish list. Having been beyond poor to now having disposable income it is not a position I ever want to go back too.

I guess you need to decided if he is genuinely low on money - and there for a possibility that this will change in the future or just tight. The not bringing a bottle set's alarm bells ringing for the later to me.

GetawayfromthatWelshtart · 10/02/2020 10:52

Saying all that he did always come round armed with a bottle of red and some chocs/ sweets or a little bunch of flowers and if he was going to cook he'd bring the stuff!! He even bought over his glass decanter when we got serious so the wine tasted better Grin

petrocellihouse · 10/02/2020 10:53

This is the benign start. It will get worse over time and as other posters have already pointed out, you really will start to resent it. It doesn't matter if he's tight or careful with money or genuinely skint, it amounts to the same end effect. I know you really like him at the moment, but if I was advising my friend, I would be saying end it now.

AhNowTed · 10/02/2020 10:55

@scoobydoo1971

"People with self respect and no money do not put themselves in a position where they use others resources like expensive dates."

This exactly.

Mariagatzs12 · 10/02/2020 10:55

My husband has always been skint. I wasn't completely aware of how much (although he did warn me to some extent).

When we started dating he paid for the first few dates and then it became 50/50.

Now that we live together we have a joint pot but I manage all of the money. It works. Yes, sometimes it's hard (I pay for all holidays) but if I can afford them I don't see why not.

RapidRainbow · 10/02/2020 10:55

Is there anything about your finances that allow you to have more disposable income I. E. Higher Maintenance payments?

If not, then I'd question where his money goes. Perhaps he has a hobby he would rather spend his money on than on your dates. Or a large TV subscription package? Or a super mobile phone contract that eats his money up?

Or maybe he has a lot of debt he is paying off.

Any of those reasons would ring alarm bells if he has shown no effort in how he will change the situation.

My DH earns well and has an even better future. We don't yet live the lifestyle I would love but we are both making the steps towards doing so. If we seperate, I have stated before and I appreciate it sounds shallow but I would not allow myself to fall for someone who lacks ambition, if anything I would look for a partner who can already offer me the lifestyle I would like!

ArranUpsideDown · 10/02/2020 10:57

This comes up on the Relationships board quite a lot - but typically where a single mother meets a man with much more disposable income. She wants him to pay for the dates but it's really to early in the relationship for him to do that and she doesn't have the conversation.

But she typically resents not dating often or being rate-limited by her own finances.

Quite often, it seems the relationship progresses too quickly because the only affordable option is staying over at respective homes. And there's massive resentment about whether or not someone brings a dessert/wine etc. if somebody else cooks or starts taking it all for granted very quickly.

Assuming you've talked about it - what seems like the probable outcomes?

emmylousings · 10/02/2020 10:57

It's so mean to suggest he shouldn't be dating if he can't afford it!! Surely dating is about relationships not conspicuous consumption. He is a nurse FFS - people here need to show some respect. Do you actually know what they get paid (at the lower end)? He is in a very emotionally demanding job AND a single dad - he deserves friendship and support.
Also, btw, I have heard from friends that there are certainly not 'loads of lovely men out there' - on the contary!

MrsJasonIsbell · 10/02/2020 10:58

It's the not paying his way that would bother me... I don't mind skint folk tho as a single parent myself, lots of nice things are cheap/free. Dinner in, cuddles on the sofa with a movie, sex to name but a few.

WellTidy · 10/02/2020 10:58

What about now letting him suggest the next 'date' - location and what you will do. Just wait and see what he comes up with, don't pre-empt, much as you may want to. Given what you've offered so far on dates, he needs to offer something himself. It doesn't have to cost money. but the onus is on him IMO.

LorenzoStDubois · 10/02/2020 10:58

Run.

Disfordarkchocolate · 10/02/2020 11:02

I'd be very uncomfortable with this situation. Why would he plan to start dating if he has no spare money?

I can understand having less money, so dates he suggested we're cheaper. But at this stage, I'd be looking to share fairly low-cost activities as you both have children and to me, that means getting to know each other slowly.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 10/02/2020 11:02

It wouldn't bother me too much if he's working - it's not like he's a loafer!
DH and I had nothing when we met, but still managed to have fun dates.
And if the roles were reversed, nobody would bat an eyelid - in fact most women would relish being treated by a wealthier man.

FetchezLaVache · 10/02/2020 11:02

While criminally underpaid for what they do, I've just had a quick Google and it seems nurses earn about £25k on average, so surely he could afford to get him hand in his pocket a bit more? I think the issue is that he just doesn't want to.

OP, do his kids live with him full time?

Aderyn19 · 10/02/2020 11:03

I'm another one saying he's seen you coming. I can't believe he came to dinner and didn't even bring a bottle of wine! I think he's got no business being on a dating site if he's in no position to cover his share of expenses. I'd be too ashamed to do what he's doing and his lack of shame is a warning sign.
If this got serious, he'd be expecting you to spend the same on his kids as you do on yours. You will be paying for all the holidays etc and will quite rightfully end up very resentful. Spare your DC the experience and get rid now.

AhNowTed · 10/02/2020 11:05

@emmylousings

"It's so mean to suggest he shouldn't be dating if he can't afford it!! Surely dating is about relationships not conspicuous consumption."

True, but would you go on a date to a restaurant with literally no money?

And just sit there like an eejit and wait for the other to pay?

No self respecting person would do that.

CuriousCapricorn · 10/02/2020 11:05

Hi op, I recently ended things with a new boyfriend after 2.5 months for a similar reason.

We met online but not dating, it was on Twitter and we both commented on a post about a local event and got chatting. He has 2 dc and so do I. He has a decent job and pays maintenance for his boys but when it came to putting his hand in his pocket- he said he was skint. All the bloody time whilst ordering shite off the internet and wasting money on stupid stuff. In that time we were together he took me out once. I paid for several meals out, brought us a meal in from M and S with dessert etc and was always cooking for him. In the end it was coming up to my birthday and he was reluctant to make any plans ( I consider myself to be pretty low maintenance ) and he then suggested we go for a meal but am I ok to pay for itShock I haven’t seen him since. He will never change.

I was head over heels and a bit blinded by him but when I look back I feel like a right mug. I agree that it doesn’t all have to be about money but he literally made no effort at all and that costs nothing.