Dating a lovely man with no disposable money

[IveGot3kids]

I've got a real dilemma. I met a lovely man on online dating, we get on great, and are about 5 or 6 dates in.

I have 3 children and he has 2. All of our children are under 10.

I'm fairly financially comfortable and have enough disposable money to go out for date nights most weeks etc. He's a nurse and is very dedicated to his job and children. He appears to provide the best life he can for them, but as a result, he has seemingly no disposable income. He's been single for a few years and had a very quiet social life so I don't think he realises how much socialising can cost.

I am starting to fall for him and I feel terrible for thinking this, but I don't know if I can continue to pay for all of our dates. Him ever affording a holiday seems impossible.

I am really torn. Am I going to end up falling for him and then resent him down the line?

I know that if I call things off I'll be miserable and sad. AIBU to even consider ending it because of his financial position?

OP sorry I misunderstood

But it still stands. Definitely don't invite a virtual stranger (to them) on your DCs holiday. Their time with you will be very precious to them. It would be very unfair to do that to them no matter how much you like him.

Has he asked to see you again?

@Cosmos45

That's interesting thanks. The difference is, I'm not rich. I am comfortable, but I am certainly not 300k rich. I also pay CM to my children's dad.

He sounds tight to me.
He's made no offer to even go halves with you.
He may be nice but if being so careful with money then he's either totally skint, up to his eyes in debt or tight.
Whichever way you need to talk to him about this before you go any further and he needs to be honest about his situation.

IME you can tell if someone is not of a generous thoughtful nature because they don't bring anything to the table.
For instance he did the cooking but he could have offered to bring the dessert or some other small token...gestures don't have to be massive but it seems there are none at all on his part.
I would be really wary and trust your gut instinct...it's rarely wrong

Mmm I don't think this is as much about financial disparity as passivity and meanness of spirit on his part. There is always a different way to contribute to something if not financially. Why hasn't he invited you to his place where he has cooked a meal for you, even if it's a cheap veg casserole with rice? Why hasn't he bought a pudding over to yours or offered to fix something in return for dinner? Why hasn't he bought you a bunch of daffodils?

I agree with most other posters. He could have spent £2 and got a bunch of flowers or a box of chocolates to bring to dinner. If he doesn't have a spare £2 then I would really be worried! It's not even about who has more money. You can still make an effort on a budget and I don't think he is.

I have a friend in this situation and it really gets her down. Personally I think it’s far more important to have a partner you love and respect than someone who earns loads of money. It depends what your values are.
A nurse trying to support two children will obviously have very little spare money. I don’t think the average nurse earns anything like £35,000.
He loves his children and any spare money will go on them, quite rightly. Do you love him or is a social life your priority?

Yes he does seem very passive.
Which is a bit of a turn off without the other stuff

I think though that he could be cooking you dinner, making something for you, organising dates that don’t cost money. If he isn’t doing this he isn’t invested.

Not saying whether this particular relationship is right or not, but it's very depressing how many people here automatically "wouldn't bother" with a man who doesn't have any money.

@Bringringbring

Just that I think you're right and I'm being totally blinded by the fact I really like him.

It’s just the lack of effort. Most people on here within 5 mins have come up with loads of free or very cheap options - which you would probably love.
But he hasn’t done any of that.

OP why the reaction to &Bringringbring*'s comment - is it that you can see how that conversation would play out?

You sound so torn - and yes you may feel down if you do separate but it will be nothing compared to how you'll feel after a few more dates like this.

I'd just make sure there's balance in your relationship op. Otherwise it'll stagnate.

When I met my now husband he had more disposable income than me. He'd stay at my house and I wouldn't expect him to put his hand in his pocket there , I'd pay for takeaways but more often than not , I'd buy ingredients and cook for us. When we went out he'd pay for coffees , lunches and dinners. We were both comfortable with this as there was effort on both sides.

Sorry posted before I saw yours.

To look at it slightly differently - even if he's totally on the level, what I'm seeing is a woman who likes at least some socialising contemplating starting a relationship with a man who likes staying at home and basically doesn't drink. Not sure that he's particularly suited to you, nice or not?

Op if he was just a friend you wouldn't be constantly footing the bill without a conversation about it. I find it odd that anyone (man or woman) would just allow someone else to pay for everything on their behalf without a word.

Why don't you let him make the next move, sounds like you have been initiating dates, and see what he suggests and if he therefore pays for it. If it just fizzles out without your financial input you have your answer.

I've had a couple of cocklodgers in my time. They see what they can get away with.

@EagleVisionSquirrelWork

It's not that he doesn't have any money. It's that he demonstrates he has no self respect. When you've no money you don't accept dates where the other constantly pays for you, cooks for you and you do zero in return. It's embarrassing.

And if the roles were reversed, nobody would bat an eyelid - in fact most women would relish being treated by a wealthier man.

Speak for yourself, @deydododatdodontdeydo.

Were the roles reversed, I would certainly bat an eyelid, & consider the woman selfish & entitled. To allow someone else to pay for all the dates, then cook for you - but you don't even bring a bottle of wine or cheap box of chocs? Mean. And mean with money often goes with mean-spirited.

Also - are you SURE "most women would relish being treated by a wealthier man", or are you actually stuck in a timeloop featuring constant reruns of Pretty Woman?
Sane women would find it embarrassing & controlling to be "treated" as a matter of course.

I think it all depends.....not black and white.

Looking long term first, could you imagine being with a man who wasn't your equal in terms of finances? eg if you earned £100K and he earned £25K (just as an example.) Would that work for you?

At the moment it's very early days.
There are a lot of things you do that are cheap- country walks, more country walks, more country walks and a coffee and cake.
Dinners at home- yours then his- turns each.
Going to an exhibition/ gallery etc if it's free.
Lunchtime snack
Drinks at a pub

If he is not a drinker I can understand him not bringing wine- and some people simply don't drink wine with their meals and wouldn't think to buy it for you.

Chocs and flowers- a bit cheesy imo after just 5 dates. I'd not expect.

I think more of the issue is whether he is not romantic and isn't sure how to treat a woman, not the cost of a box of chocs. It seems more like not engaging brain rather than no hand in wallet.

I'd just be honest with him. I'd say I like seeing him but it's noticeable that he hasn't paid for anything so far and is money an issue? Nothing to lose by being honest.

@aroundtheworldyet

I am not sure that's entirely fair. I get the impression he'd be fine to come to my house and snuggle on the sofa all night drinking water. I really don't think he is tight. That's fine as a date, but not as the only type of date.

We went out yesterday, I booked the activity in advance (it was about £15 for us both) for 30 mins of fun. I booked and paid online because it was my suggestion and I wanted to do it. It was my "date", that's fine with me, I don't expect him to contribute, but we grabbed a drink after in the bar - just cokes - and there was no offer of payment. That surely is wrong? I was actually quite upset about it in fact - this was after I'd cooked dinner the night before!

I wonder if he's in a lot of debt? Maybe gambling addict? There's definitely some red flags here. I'd want to know more about his financial situation if I was getting serious with him. I hate how that sounds but you have yourself and children to support... and red flags.

There are lots of online dating men who target lone parents for cocklodging purposes. Not saying this guy is one of them, but his non contributions to dates, not offering to cook a meal, no token gestures, nada, should ring alarm bells.

I've dated on very little money - gone halves, suggested free dates, bought dessert after a meal, coffees, anything just to contribute something.

Hard to believe he can't afford anything at all.

As pp says, it's easy to be lovely when someone else is paying for everything!

I'm totally making up excuses now, but maybe he didn't bring wine because he's not a big drinker.

Oh sweetheart, with this one you are.
Say I was invited to dinner at home with my mate, but was going to drive home. Do I not bring wine, because I am not going to drink?

Do I feck. It would be the height of rudeness.

The money bit is kind of irrelevant IMO, it's the total lack of effort and reciprocity that would have me saying thanks but no thanks.

Not everyone has loads of spare cash all the time, and that's fine. Even if you're skint, it's rude to not reciprocate when someone has fed you 4 times (that goes for men or women). Cooking a simple meal for you could be done for the price of a coffee and a few minutes of his time.

He's either got really poor social skills or is a user. Neither are good traits in a partner and I'd definitely reconsider if he's as 'nice' as you think.

@IveGot3kids

He didn't even buy the cokes??

Ah come on!!