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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dating a lovely man with no disposable money

533 replies

IveGot3kids · 10/02/2020 10:18

I've got a real dilemma. I met a lovely man on online dating, we get on great, and are about 5 or 6 dates in.

I have 3 children and he has 2. All of our children are under 10.

I'm fairly financially comfortable and have enough disposable money to go out for date nights most weeks etc. He's a nurse and is very dedicated to his job and children. He appears to provide the best life he can for them, but as a result, he has seemingly no disposable income. He's been single for a few years and had a very quiet social life so I don't think he realises how much socialising can cost.

I am starting to fall for him and I feel terrible for thinking this, but I don't know if I can continue to pay for all of our dates. Him ever affording a holiday seems impossible.

I am really torn. Am I going to end up falling for him and then resent him down the line?

I know that if I call things off I'll be miserable and sad. AIBU to even consider ending it because of his financial position?

OP posts:
KangaandRooandPigletToo · 10/02/2020 11:06

Him not having much money wouldn’t bother me because I can think of plenty of free dates I’d enjoy, the thing that would put me off him is that you paid for all the dates AND cooked for him (and bought the food) on the other date. He should’ve offered to host and/or cook to ‘take his turn’.

Original poster
IveGot3kids · 10/02/2020 11:06

@FetchezLaVache

They live with him more than usual I think. He works lots of night shift, often on weekends when the kids are with their mother. He has them a lot during the week.

I'm totally making up excuses now, but maybe he didn't bring wine because he's not a big drinker. He told me the last drink he'd had (other than when I cooked him dinner) was at Christmas.

OP posts:
OvalCanvas · 10/02/2020 11:07

I agree with @WellTidy , let him make the effort to offer a date suggestion and treat you. If you don't enjoy it , or he's unwilling to make you food or pay then you've got your answer.

SonjaMorgan · 10/02/2020 11:07

Please give him a chance. If he were out of work and had no motivation I would say to move on but he is a hard working man from what you have said.

I didn't have a massive amount of money when I met my husband. I paid for our first date and would regularly cook for him.

Give it a chance and see if he makes an effort. Picnics, movie nights in and local trips out don't cost much.

OvalCanvas · 10/02/2020 11:08

@IveGot3kids , he could've brought chocolates or dessert though.

SerenDippitty · 10/02/2020 11:09

He should be contributing something. Expecting you to pay for everything other than the odd coffee is really off.

Snog · 10/02/2020 11:09

I like Welltidy's idea of letting him set up the next date and don't be paying for him at this one either. If he just assumes you will pay for him this is quite rude and cheeky.

I'd give things a go doing low budget activities and not subsidising him and see how that goes for a bit. I wouldn't be taking him on a long weekend though.

If you have a definite game plan for the future of wanting to set up house with a new partner then finances matter a lot more than if you are just wanting a relationship.

GoldenCrunchMunch · 10/02/2020 11:11

He didn't bring wine 'cos he's not a big drinker, daffodils are £1 a bunch, or maybe he has hay fever? a couple of quid on cake or chocolate, but maybe he's on a diet? :D

Bringringbring · 10/02/2020 11:11

OP
It’s not just you. It’s money that could go towards your children that you would instead be frittering away on paying for meals out etc for someone else.

No bloody way. If you had no children and really liked him - sure. Fact you have three children - no. Bloody. Way.

Original poster
IveGot3kids · 10/02/2020 11:12

So this is the real issue I have. He's never suggested anything which costs money. The only real questionable thing is not bringing a bottle of wine. I really did push the "going for lunch" thing - although he didn't take any persuading, it was clearly a case of me taking him out for lunch. However, I'd still have made a token offer to pay if the roles were reversed.

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 10/02/2020 11:12

I'm totally making up excuses now, but maybe he didn't bring wine because he's not a big drinker. He told me the last drink he'd had (other than when I cooked him dinner) was at Christmas

So... he's happy to drink your wine, then? I think it's not that he's not a big drinker, more that he's not a big spender. Anyway, still doesn't explain why he didn't bring a four quid bunch of supermarket tulips or a box of chocolates to say thank you!

happycamper11 · 10/02/2020 11:12

Do you need to go out all the time? I'm in a similar position to this man and dp has plenty sore money. Tbh we just tend to do things that don't cost much and stay home and cook etc. We probably won't go on holiday unless he comes with me and DC (something he's not keen on) as I'd not spend spare cash on a holiday for myself which would then deny one for them. Personally I don't feel the need to go out socialising all the time anyway so I guess you need to just look at what's important. If you do need to go out for meals etc regularly then this isn't the man for you. He sounds like he has his priorities right though (for me)

Original poster
IveGot3kids · 10/02/2020 11:13

@GoldenCrunchMunch

Smile

Point taken. He loved my homemade desert so I doubt he is on a diet.

OP posts:
Y0ubetterwerk · 10/02/2020 11:14

When I met DP I was in the same financial position as your date. By the time bills and monthly expenses are done, I had to be super careful. No way I could stretch to dinners out.
I was honest that I couldn't manage the expensive dates he took me out on. But I would leave the tip, I cooked, brought wine, always bought at least one round at the bar if we were out etc. No way was I was freeloading!
It doesn't need to be halved but I feel there needs to be acknowledgement and effort on each side that you're both contributing.
It doesn't seem like he's doing this so despite all the niceness, he's taking advantage. It's not cool.

aroundtheworldyet · 10/02/2020 11:14

It doesn’t matter if you don’t drink, you always take something to someone’s for dinner. Fucking daffodils are £1 a bunch at the moment!

Even if I didn’t drink I would take a wine and a soft drink for myself.
But anyway the point is, he did drink that evening because you supplied the wine.

And if he has his kids that much and is working he’s not that poor. So either he has massive debts that are crippling him or he’s just fucking tight.

I can’t believe he hasn’t invited you over for dinner, or suggested a walk in the park or something.
Very strange indeed.

If you end up with him, you’ll be one of those posters who comes on here with stories about never being bought a birthday present.

Jollymollyx · 10/02/2020 11:14

Save your money for your children, not wasting it on all his food and drinks. It should be atleast equal. Why do you want to take on this surrogate man child for

Bringringbring · 10/02/2020 11:14

Sorry if covered but don’t you think a touch too soon to be going away for a mini break with him and your children in a couple of months when you’ve only just met him yourself?!

Original poster
IveGot3kids · 10/02/2020 11:15

@FetchezLaVache actually he didn't finish his glass of wine....But yeah.

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 10/02/2020 11:15

The tally so far is:

IveGot3kids - two lunches, one take-away, one home-cooked meal with wine.

CL - a coffee.

It's absolutely not about disposable income, it's about it being v. early days in a promising relationship and not even trying to redress the massive imbalance in who pays for things.

LividLaughLovely · 10/02/2020 11:15

Agree with PP who said compatible financial levels are as important as compatible values and sense of humour.

Resentment WILL build. Get out before you fall too hard and it gets more awkward.

Disfordarkchocolate · 10/02/2020 11:15

Another one here who would never do out for a meal I couldn't pay for. That's not poor it's presumptuous.

I've been very poor. I've had to learn how to save and budget. I could never be with someone now who couldn't do the same.

As someone suggested leave him to arrange the next date, having fun does not have mean spending money.

Monr0e · 10/02/2020 11:16

I agree with letting him set the tone for the next date.

Have you one arranged already? How often does he contact you inbetween?

It's hard to know if he is generally lovely but skint or is quite happy to have you slot into his life and pay for everything with minimal effort on his part.

It sounds like you like him a lot and maybe overlooking some uncomfortable truths.

And definitely do not invite him and his kids on your already paid for trip away. Not fair on you and certainly not fair to foist 2 extra unknown dcs on your dcs holiday.

Bringringbring · 10/02/2020 11:16

hes never suggested anything that costs money

So what has he suggested? And then you’ve rejected the idea for something that does cost money?

desperatesux · 10/02/2020 11:17

I think coming with his hands swinging after you paying for everything thus far really is a step too far.
I mean he could of come with a cheap box of chocolates but to come with NOTHING, i wouldn't show up to anyone's house for dinner with nothing, let alone a new girlfriend I am trying to impress

I'm sure he is a nice guy but your circumstances are too different. I wouldn't to be with someone long term that couldn't afford to go out to dinner and I wouldn't want to have to pay for everything all the time either, and that is what being with him will mean
Not everyone will feel the same but for me it would be a big NO.

Jollymollyx · 10/02/2020 11:17

I think it’s also a big thing to introduce a new man to your sons. You should only do that and put the boys in that position if you are serious !

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