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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dating a lovely man with no disposable money

533 replies

IveGot3kids · 10/02/2020 10:18

I've got a real dilemma. I met a lovely man on online dating, we get on great, and are about 5 or 6 dates in.

I have 3 children and he has 2. All of our children are under 10.

I'm fairly financially comfortable and have enough disposable money to go out for date nights most weeks etc. He's a nurse and is very dedicated to his job and children. He appears to provide the best life he can for them, but as a result, he has seemingly no disposable income. He's been single for a few years and had a very quiet social life so I don't think he realises how much socialising can cost.

I am starting to fall for him and I feel terrible for thinking this, but I don't know if I can continue to pay for all of our dates. Him ever affording a holiday seems impossible.

I am really torn. Am I going to end up falling for him and then resent him down the line?

I know that if I call things off I'll be miserable and sad. AIBU to even consider ending it because of his financial position?

OP posts:
Noconceptofnormal · 11/02/2020 04:01

To be honest OP, you're coming across as someone who doesn't have great judgement about a lot of things -

  • You're already thinking of taking this woman away with your kids despite your doubts, because you've heard this is what a 'lot of people do in the early stages of relationships' - how about actually engaging your brain and making a judgement on whether this is a good idea yourself? Perhaps think about how destabilising it is for your kids to meet each latest squeeze?
  • You think that she's telling her kids about you to 'entrap you / make you feel guilty', then you ask on a predominantly female forum to ask 'is this what women do', which comes across as pretty misogynistic / nihilistic in your outlook in life.
  • Even the reverse thread is a weird thing to do - you might think it's sexist, but in this case it does matter who is male and who is female, and who is the RP. To pretend otherwise and half way through the thread to do a "got ya" reverse just wastes everyone's time and just invalidates a lot of the advice given, and the whole thread really, which has become about sexism in society and who pays for what.

Bottom line, firstly grow up a bit and start putting your kids first.

Secondly, use your own judgement here, if something is off in the early stages of a relationship it's a good idea to listen to those instincts and call it a day, especially when kids are involved as there's more at stake if it goes wrong. Her behaviour obviously bothers you and I don't think it's going to change and its a good enough reason to break up with someone.

Vanhi · 11/02/2020 06:51

Maybe MN can group OP's posts together to allow for easier reading of the full thread and crucial updates, such as this is a flip.

You can just highlight them and then skim down the thread.

Some of you, get over yourselves , you don’t speak for every female here. Op I’m more than happy to be called a girl !

I don't recall anyone saying they spoke for everyone on this issue. It is however fairly common not to want to see a group of adult women addressed as 'girls', particularly so by a man who's been less than honest with them in the first place. So whilst some people wouldn't mind, enough would that it's better to choose another word.

Mumsnet’s users have failed miserably.

some of them have. Unfortunately some posters do seem to be stuck in the middle of the last century, or the one before that.

ferrier · 11/02/2020 06:57

So for all those complaining about the reverse, this thread shows in abundance why OP had very good justification for it.
If even mumsnet can't do a semblance of equality, what hope is there?

Aderyn19 · 11/02/2020 07:51

I didn't like the reverse but my opinion remained the same. People who start dating and expect someone who is still stranger to pay for every aspect of every date are cheeky fuckers.
It's entirely different from couples in proper relationships, with combined lives, choosing to support each other through job losses/reduced earnings etc.

ProclivitiesMcManus · 11/02/2020 07:58

So for all those complaining about the reverse, this thread shows in abundance why OP had very good justification for it.

This! It's amazing to read.

NurseButtercup · 11/02/2020 08:11

In my opinion if you cannot afford to either take your turn and pay the entire bill, or pay for yourself - then you shouldn't be dating. This applies to men and women.

There are several cheap ways to go out on a date, some of the options are a bit joyless & kill spontenaity but still help to make dating affordable e.g. Groupon, opting to eat from the fixed price menu in restaurant's, book tickets for travel/events in advance etc.

I don't understand what the op has personally gained by posting this question as a reverse??

xILikeJamx · 11/02/2020 08:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

elc19 · 11/02/2020 08:46

My opinion still stands, if they are lovely, a great parent and kind and all the things you'd look for in a woman. Money shouldn't be an issue.

chocolatespiders · 11/02/2020 08:51

Money would ot be an issue for me maybe because I have never had much!

Go on cheap dates. Lovely walks and grab a coffee or take a flask!
Look for stuff going on in your local area.

AlexaAmbidextra · 11/02/2020 09:06

Add to that, I'm usually the one who facilitates most of the dates at my home - hence a lot of cleaning (like 6 hours of cleaning and polishing just to host my date). Cleaners get paid 12 -14 per hour. He would usually bring food and wine.

What a ridiculous argument. And how dirty is your house that you have to clean for six hours before you have a guest?

Chamomileteaplease · 11/02/2020 09:44

Why does everyone keep calling it a reverse? It's not! The OP is still the one paying and the other person not paying.

It was just a change of the sexes. Not a reverse!! Grin

NothingWrong · 11/02/2020 10:04

And how dirty is your house that you have to clean for six hours before you have a guest?

Usually spotless lol. But I still clean everything, floors, bathroom, bedroom, iron duvet cover, kitchen. Bins out. Everything like a show house. I live in a small flat, so I compensate by making sure it's clean. Like a deep clean. I've always been a perfectionist.

Vanhi · 11/02/2020 10:29

One man I was seeing gave me half an hour's notice of his impending arrival. I kicked the mess under the bed and jumped in the shower. Safe to say he didn't notice the state of the house Grin

DuLANGMondeFOREVER · 11/02/2020 12:06

I kicked the mess under the bed

We call this ‘hidying up’ in our house 😂

Sonichu · 11/02/2020 12:15

"I expect men to pay. For dates - 100%. Unless I bought tickets to something as a gift or something, when out, the man would pay - usually because they earn more than I do.

Even when I was earning more money, I used to give ex 40 quid on a night out if we were among his friends so that he could be seen to be the one paying. Also, I didn't want to be seen to be a mug paying for drinks, as a woman.

Different cultures maybe."

I didn't realise you had internet back in the 1940s?

This thread is a masterclass in MN hypocrisy.

bibliomania · 11/02/2020 12:49

hidying up is brilliant, DuLANG

Snoozysnoozy · 11/02/2020 12:49

Every time there's a thread about money on here the general consensus is that:

Man earns more. He pays that proportion of the bills. Any money left over is split 50:50. Any deviation from this and he's tight/LTB

Woman earns more. Then bills are split 50:50 all extra money is hers. Amy attempt to use that money by the man, anytime he doesn't meet his half or can't afford to go on holiday/ eat in the same restaurant then he's a cocklodger/LTB

Everym fucking time.

Ulvie · 11/02/2020 13:20

@Sonichu

"Different cultures maybe."
*
I didn't realise you had internet back in the 1940s?*

😂😂😂

It's never occurred to me to give DP money to pay for drinks when we're out in a group. These days we generally go out for dinner, so split the drinks bill between the drinkers.

Moomin12345 · 11/02/2020 13:24

Run like the wind.

amusedbush · 11/02/2020 13:50

Even when I was earning more money, I used to give ex 40 quid on a night out if we were among his friends so that he could be seen to be the one paying. Also, I didn't want to be seen to be a mug paying for drinks, as a woman.

Fucking hell, that's depressing.

Vanhi · 11/02/2020 17:53

We call this ‘hidying up’ in our house

That's brilliant Grin

AhNowTed · 11/02/2020 17:58

Honestly some of the women on here, expecting the man to pay "100%", sit on their hands and what, smile sweetly or nip to the loo? How does that even work. I'd be so embarrassed. I'm mortified for you.

AlexaAmbidextra · 11/02/2020 18:26

Honestly some of the women on here, expecting the man to pay "100%", sit on their hands and what, smile sweetly or nip to the loo? How does that even work. I'd be so embarrassed. I'm mortified for you.

Appalling isn’t it? I’m embarrassed by my own sex at times. They really let the side down imo.

messolini9 · 11/02/2020 19:13

There's a lot of it about this week Alexa, Ted.

I've just been moved to call 'Simpering Dickpanderer' on another thread. (Thank you again, the genius that is @cavabiensepasser)

Livingoncake · 11/02/2020 19:15

Yes, OP, she should be paying her own way. However, what concerns me is that you believe that women, as a group, need to be manipulated into giving the correct answers about financial equality. Not only that, but we also set out to “trap” men into relationships.

Bottom line: a man with such patronising attitudes towards women should not be dating them. You may very well dump this woman and find one who pays her own way, but here’s the rub:if she has an ounce of self-respect, she’ll run a mile when your misogynistic attitudes make an appearance.