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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dating a lovely man with no disposable money

533 replies

IveGot3kids · 10/02/2020 10:18

I've got a real dilemma. I met a lovely man on online dating, we get on great, and are about 5 or 6 dates in.

I have 3 children and he has 2. All of our children are under 10.

I'm fairly financially comfortable and have enough disposable money to go out for date nights most weeks etc. He's a nurse and is very dedicated to his job and children. He appears to provide the best life he can for them, but as a result, he has seemingly no disposable income. He's been single for a few years and had a very quiet social life so I don't think he realises how much socialising can cost.

I am starting to fall for him and I feel terrible for thinking this, but I don't know if I can continue to pay for all of our dates. Him ever affording a holiday seems impossible.

I am really torn. Am I going to end up falling for him and then resent him down the line?

I know that if I call things off I'll be miserable and sad. AIBU to even consider ending it because of his financial position?

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 10/02/2020 10:33

How the the scenario go?

You went for lunch and he said what when the bill came...

If he sat there like a dummy and watched you pay without a word, I wouldn't be seeing him again.

Or did you say beforehand that you would pay?

Context is everything

Dieu · 10/02/2020 10:33

I absolutely couldn't be with a man who was happy to be bankrolled by a woman/his partner. And it wouldn't matter how nice he was. It's a pride thing.
In order for a relationship to work, you must at least seek your equal.

garbagegirl · 10/02/2020 10:33

Talk to him and be honest. You will probably find that if he is genuine he feels much much worse about not being able to pay his way than you do!

Moving forward, if you know that he cannot afford to keep up with you then would you consider changing your lifestyle to meet in the middle a little? It seems like the OP centres around him fitting into your way of life and not much the other way around? Money isn't everything and you never know when both of your situations may change.

CakeandCustard28 · 10/02/2020 10:33

Have you told him any of this? I would bring it up first, see what he says and make a decision from there for example he’s skint from providing his children is very different to being skint because he spends his money all on crap.

GoingBackTo505 · 10/02/2020 10:35

How does it work, for example, the first date- did he just turn up with no way to pay and ask you to pay? Does he arrange dates with you and just expect or ask you to pay? That would ring alarm bells with me. But if he's skint and suggests other things to do such as cooking for you or visiting free galleries or a nice walk with a cheap takeaway coffee, I'd feel different.

Ontheblackhill · 10/02/2020 10:36

I think if a man is really into you he will be thinking up ways to impress you even if he has no money. He should be wooing you at this stage, even if its an indoor picnic or him cooking your dinner at his house. A man without a plan wouldnt be the man for me. My husband was broke when we met but he still planned little surprises and brought me little cheap treats like flowers and chocolates and he would have hated me paying for dates even though I earned double what he did. Its not the lack of paying its the lack of romance and him being happy for you to do all the wooing.

Citygirl2019 · 10/02/2020 10:36

I'm a lone parent. Probably earn similar to a nurse (maybe slightly more). I run a house, car and have two teens (one at uni).

I am in a relationship and certainly would not expect my DP to pay for everything (he has far more disposable income than me).

Did he make you aware before the dates he could not afford to pay? If not I can't see how this plays out when the bill came...

In new relationships even when things are more even it presents difficulties, I think this would be a no for me I'm afraid.

Original poster
IveGot3kids · 10/02/2020 10:37

@bibliomania

Thanks - he's never suggested a date which costs money. I really don't think he is trying to get free dates. If he was, my decision would be easy!

@FuzzyAtmosphere - very little, went for a coffee at lunchtime, I suggested lunch but he said he wasn't hungry, I think it was the financial side as when we left each other he was messaging to say he couldn't wait to get home as he was so hungry!

I'm taking my boys away for a long weekend in a couple of months, I want to ask him to come (assuming meeting them goes well), it won't cost me any more, I expect I'll have to buy all the meals etc, but I really like spending time with him.

It would be so much easier if I'd never met him Confused

OP posts:
mantarays · 10/02/2020 10:38

I’m surprised that he was happy to have you pay for dinner twice and then cook for him as well.

Highonpotandused · 10/02/2020 10:38

Does he ever invite you over and cook for you?

You seem to be paying for dates and having him over and cooking for him.

saraclara · 10/02/2020 10:39

I don't buy that he doesn't have any disposable cash, I'm a lone parent who earns less than a nurse and can still afford the odd night out.

Posts like this are ridiculous. Depending on where you live in the country, costs of living (especially housing) vary wildly. Not believing someone because their financial situation isn't yours, is stupid, frankly.

x2boys · 10/02/2020 10:40

Well it depends ,if you like him than you don't need to go on fancy expensive dates ,you could take in turns to cook etc go for walks ,but I wouldn't be paying for everything , and without knowing what the guys outgoings are Bilbow you can't possibly say that ,as a nurse I coming out with around £2000 a month which whilst isn't a bad wage I certainly didn't have money to throw around lots of things come into play ,size of mortgsge/ rent ,bills ,debts etc etc .

Frownette · 10/02/2020 10:40

Couldn't you go for a walk, one drink afterwards, or to a free concert? Plenty of hotels charge a small fee for using their swimming pool so it might be nice to have a splash around then coffee.

If you just want to go to bars then no it's not going to work.

Is he aware of how you feel?

Original poster
IveGot3kids · 10/02/2020 10:40

@CalmdownJanet

I hadn't even thought of this. No, he didn't even bring a bottle of wine. Why didn't I think of that. Thanks.

OP posts:
Zenithbear · 10/02/2020 10:41

I would be worried that he has problems with budgeting and general finance.
If he can't even afford half a takeaway it would be a no. Dating should be fun and that sounds tedious. Doesn't necessarily have to cost much or be strictly even but being able to pay your fair share is important for both sides.

CalmdownJanet · 10/02/2020 10:41

Sorry but no this wouldn't work for me at all, it's way too early days to be subsidising a stranger to this level

Original poster
IveGot3kids · 10/02/2020 10:43

@AhNowTed

Bill came and he sat there. The date was very driven by me. I definitely did "take him out" and he drove 15 miles to where I live for an hour date during my workday (he was off). I think I like him a bit too much to see the issues though, but I think it's clear. Thanks.

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 10/02/2020 10:43

Again, why was he online dating when he can't afford to date? I'm strapped for cash, but couldn't accept someone bankrolling every date.

GetawayfromthatWelshtart · 10/02/2020 10:44

You don't have to spend loads of money on doing things together.

When I met my partner I had more money than him which I knew he was embarrassed about.

As we were getting to know each other instead of me spending a fortune or paying for all our dates we would get nibbles and beer/ soft drinks from a shop then sit in a park having a picnic in nice weather or have telly/ movie nights in cold weather with snacks or he would cook .

We might pop to a pub a couple of times a month just to play pool rather than drink ourselves silly so was a cheap night out. Occasional we would get a takeaway but not often.

We even used to go up town and window shop in a well known Sci Fi shop on a weekend day out and not spend anything because it was fun!

Even now money is tight so we don't take holidays but instead have a week off every now and then together throughout the year just to relax at home.

I didn't want to be wined and dined and have holidays, I was happy just to be with him as I am 20 years later.

Even now he will surprise me with my fav choc bar or bring home shop bought pizza cos I said I was tired as a treat. Nothing fancy but what he can afford and it still gives me the warm fuzzy feelings (I do the same for him)

If you are looking for fine wines and Belgium chocs and long holidays in the sun then perhaps back away now and let him find someone who just is happy to be with him for who he is hugs xx

Highonpotandused · 10/02/2020 10:44

You will resent him, OP. Read this thread that’s live right now where OP’s partner expects her to leave all her money to his kid.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3818158-Finances-wills-I-earn-more-and-he-has-DC?msgid=93818467#93818467

scoobydoo1971 · 10/02/2020 10:44

I was in a relationship with a man in debt. He never volunteered to pay for anything much, but was happy to see me foot the bill time and time again. He became a wannabee cocklodger who wanted marriage, living together etc. I knew my home and finances were part of that interest, and he started to take advantage of my resources. I dumped him as I couldn't see a future with a man who could not, and would not, pay his way. People with self respect and no money do not put themselves in a position where they use others resources like expensive dates. In the honeymoon period they are trying to impress, and even with no money then you can do cheap expressions of interest. Be careful!

bbyj2019 · 10/02/2020 10:45

This is literally me now but 5 years down the line get out while your not emotionally invested!!! He will without a doubt get too comfortable with you paying and you’ll never have a social life again

CalmdownJanet · 10/02/2020 10:45

I think you like him and are letting that cloud your judgement, sorry I think he just seems tight and possibly a bit of a user.

If you genuinely had no disposable income you wouldn't put yourself if those situations or you would at least acknowledge you didn't have the money even though it might be awkward. You also would take the opportunity to return the treat on a smaller scale so coffee out or wine to dinner, something at the very least. I think he is just tight and you paying will become the norm

FetchezLaVache · 10/02/2020 10:46

I'd put meeting your boys on hold, OP, because it sounds like you've got yourself a cocklodger in waiting there! He allowed you to pay for two meals and to cook him a meal?

I'm just trying to imagine being bought two meals out by someone and not reciprocating, then allowing that person to cook for me at home and turning up empty-handed.

XPQF · 10/02/2020 10:50

Having a similar financial status is up there as much as having the same morals and values.