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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dating a lovely man with no disposable money

533 replies

IveGot3kids · 10/02/2020 10:18

I've got a real dilemma. I met a lovely man on online dating, we get on great, and are about 5 or 6 dates in.

I have 3 children and he has 2. All of our children are under 10.

I'm fairly financially comfortable and have enough disposable money to go out for date nights most weeks etc. He's a nurse and is very dedicated to his job and children. He appears to provide the best life he can for them, but as a result, he has seemingly no disposable income. He's been single for a few years and had a very quiet social life so I don't think he realises how much socialising can cost.

I am starting to fall for him and I feel terrible for thinking this, but I don't know if I can continue to pay for all of our dates. Him ever affording a holiday seems impossible.

I am really torn. Am I going to end up falling for him and then resent him down the line?

I know that if I call things off I'll be miserable and sad. AIBU to even consider ending it because of his financial position?

OP posts:
messolini9 · 10/02/2020 19:59

Ahh just seen you're a man. I would dump you if you even mentioned me paying. Hope she does the same. Tight

Oh DO fuck off @justpulledinalldirections.
Unless you are a sex worker by trade, in which case you are entirely justified. With clients that is - not the men in your personal life.

BigChocFrenzy · 10/02/2020 20:02

Ridiculous that possessing a penis means the man should pay on dates
It's a penis, not a wallet

If there is a significant difference in earnings, then the higher earner should pay more - regardless of their sex -
but the lower earner should contribute something, even if just cooking some cheap meals at home

messolini9 · 10/02/2020 20:04

@siring1, @justpulledinalldirections, I kinda hate to break this to you cos I don't know how you will both cope.

But the airbrushed bint in your video?
NEWSFLASH - she's not a feminist.

She's an airbrushed bint making money out of men's misplaced chivalry & idiot women's credulity.

HTH

justpulledinalldirections · 10/02/2020 20:13

I'll cope. I have my opinions. Men should act like men and be chivalrous. My husband never ever asked me to pay on dates. My presence and paying for my hair, makeup and clothes to look nice were my contribution to the dates 😎

ILikePaperHats · 10/02/2020 20:14

He sounds as tight as a badger's arse. Get rid, is my advice!

Sunflower20 · 10/02/2020 20:28

No way. Dump.

siring1 · 10/02/2020 20:31

Calling a woman a "bint" how deeply mysoginistic.

SerenDippitty · 10/02/2020 20:31

I'll cope. I have my opinions. Men should act like men and be chivalrous. My husband never ever asked me to pay on dates. My presence and paying for my hair, makeup and clothes to look nice were my contribution to the dates 😎

Did he say things like “don’t you worry your pretty little head about paying”?

AhNowTed · 10/02/2020 20:41

Ah the old "chivalrous" argument makes an appearance Hmm

Vanhi · 10/02/2020 20:43

Ahh just seen you're a man. I would dump you if you even mentioned me paying. Hope she does the same. Tight

And yet you not paying anything is what? Oh, I see, you think your presence is payment. Now let me see, what do we call it when men pay for women to turn up to things with them.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 10/02/2020 20:51

Am ashamed to be female with some of these comments. Didn't realise it was still 1942 where women just needed to look pretty for their men so they would pay for everything.

siring1 · 10/02/2020 20:52

Oh great!

Women calling other women whores.

messolini9 · 10/02/2020 20:56

Calling a woman a "bint" how deeply mysoginistic

As you haven't learned how to spell misogynstic yet, @siring1, you're going to have to forgive me for not believing you know what it means, or how to correctly direct the epithet to someone who is actually ... a misogynist.

You also seem to be having trouble with the word "bint."
Here's some booklearning for ya' - www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/bint

Well done with your Mumsnet-Bingo-winning "deeply" though.
It conveys a serious tone without actually adding any meaning whatsoever, much akin to your Special Pleading & faux-feminism.

squaky · 10/02/2020 20:58

😂😂😂 fucking hell, this thread.

It really depends op. Is she skint to the point where a few pounds means she might not be able to afford things for her kids? Maybe if she did offer to pay she wouldn't actually have the money available so doesn't? I know when my son was little and I was single I was counting everything to the exact amount to make it through the week. Poverty can be embarrassing to admit.

messolini9 · 10/02/2020 20:58

Oh great!
Women calling other women whores.

Oh great!
Women maintaining that women ought to be paid for by men. Like whores.

messolini9 · 10/02/2020 21:00

My presence and paying for my hair, makeup and clothes to look nice were my contribution to the dates

Ah, this explains ALL, @justpulledinalldirections
You are Julia Roberts from 'Pretty Woman', & I claim my £5.

VanGoghsDog · 10/02/2020 21:12

@Sophiesdog2020

Is she the one with twelve kids who went back to work during labour with each one?

Even so, she might earn 10x but it's very rare. And she did say "a fair few women do these days" too.

Technically, I earn waaaay more than my dp. But that's because he's retired so doesn't earn anything. And I earn over £100k, though I put most of it in my pension.
But my dp, despite having no earnings, does have a pension (or three) and a huuuuge investment portfolio which he just draws down from when he feels like.

siring1 · 10/02/2020 21:13

OK so you can spell better than me.
Why point it out?

AhNowTed · 10/02/2020 21:21

I feel sorry for some of your daughters.

Being taught that the man will pay and you just look pretty.

Mlou32 · 10/02/2020 21:30

I think this topic is being discussed on 'The Niall Boylan Show' as we speak. The topic is how would you feel if you'd started dating a man with kids and all his money goes towards them and he never has enough money for dates...? NB must have been reading mumsnet!

CherryPavlova · 10/02/2020 21:31

I don’t think a man should necessarily pay unless you’re in a marriage and he is earning whilst the woman supports his career by raising the family. He then technically might pay but it’s joint monies so the finances are shared.

If a man is struggling to afford ordinary life then I’d struggle to want to build a relationship. His priorities must be to pay for his children to have a reasonable standard of living. If that means no social life, then so be it. Plenty of couples forego meals out and shared couples activities to provide for their children.

I’d not tie myself up with someone who could not provide for me adequately.

WineAndTiramisu · 10/02/2020 21:33

Anyone complaining that this was a reverse should just look at how the thread has changed since we found out,I think he needed to start off with the reverse!

I'd see what this next date is and what happens, but even if she was really short of money she should've done something by now. Brought dessert when you cooked dinner, invited you round for food, bought the bloody cokes! I'd be dumping her if this didn't change asap.

Missillusioned · 10/02/2020 21:53

I don't drink and I confess it wouldn't occur to me to bring wine to a meal with a date. I wouldn't even know what type to buy. But if someone comes to my house I wouldn't expect them to bring anything. If it's my house, I provide everything and don't expect otherwise.

But I am a bit socially inept, so probably best not to listen to me

RealMckoi · 10/02/2020 21:53

The flipped thing was sneaky and weird OP - doesn’t set you in the best light for starters.

Also, you really should just bluntly come out with it to her if you think she is planning on letting you pay for everything forever etc. You don’t have to be rude. But there is a chance here that she could just be naive, thoughtless or lacks confidence in taking the lead to pay for things (it can and does happen).
And I hate to say this - and I realise that she will likely never know - but if I was her and I found out you had posted all of these opinions about me (and had so many replies from total strangers) on the internet, I’d be absolutely gutted/feel humiliated and wouldn’t want to keep dating you anyway. So if you do decide you want to keep seeing this lady, for goodness sake learn to talk to HER instead of hundreds of strangers online.

siring1 · 10/02/2020 21:57

Mumsnet does that to men ALL...THE ..
TIME...ALL....DAY...EVERY...DAY!!!