Dating a lovely man with no disposable money

[IveGot3kids]

I've got a real dilemma. I met a lovely man on online dating, we get on great, and are about 5 or 6 dates in.

I have 3 children and he has 2. All of our children are under 10.

I'm fairly financially comfortable and have enough disposable money to go out for date nights most weeks etc. He's a nurse and is very dedicated to his job and children. He appears to provide the best life he can for them, but as a result, he has seemingly no disposable income. He's been single for a few years and had a very quiet social life so I don't think he realises how much socialising can cost.

I am starting to fall for him and I feel terrible for thinking this, but I don't know if I can continue to pay for all of our dates. Him ever affording a holiday seems impossible.

I am really torn. Am I going to end up falling for him and then resent him down the line?

I know that if I call things off I'll be miserable and sad. AIBU to even consider ending it because of his financial position?

Are you sure he is a nurse? Is it possible he’s a health care assistant and told you he is a nurse to impress you? Which would explain his limited income

I am so glad DH and I never kept a balance sheet. Even now, I earn twice what he does. We have found a system that works. He pays for our groceries, I pay for most meals out. I pay for holidays, he gets the rental car part. I tend the vegetable and flower gardens, he mows. We have found we are happiest when we keep in mind that 1) Not everything in life is equal and 2) value can be measured in ways other than money

Just for the record, even if the kids lived with me 6 nights a week, technically I'd still need to pay my ex CM

Is that written into your divorce op? Otherwise no you wouldn’t. You would be the main parent if you had them 6 nights a week and she would need to pay you CM.

@madcattery I think you've somewhat missed the point. The OP is talking about the early stages of dating and being expected to pay for everything because he is a man. Not a well established relationship in which most couples don't keep a 'balance sheet' and split costs according to their relative incomes.

I am so glad DH and I never kept a balance sheet

Eh? He's not keeping a balance sheet, and everyone has already said that value can be measured in other ways, the point is she does nothing. No effort, no financial contribution, unless you count actually fronting up effort.

And your post is illogical, you then go on to tell us how you both contribute, which is completely missing the point of the op, which is only he does.

And lyingwitchwardobe nailed it, the gender is irrelevant and changes nothing material in this at all.

OP I’m not sure why you even posted here - you seem to know the answers to everything yourself. I suspect this was a fake scenario posted here to test your perceived ‘double standards’ of women. You sound like a misogynist too btw.

Alarm bells ringing here. Firstly, he's online dating when he can't afford to date. (But nurses aren't so badly paid that they can't go out, ever!) Then he accepts two lunches from you and he doesn't even offer to pay for the takeaway! CF territory here. Won't be long before he's taking you entirely granted - making digs about your income - and demanding loans that he won't pay back. Of course he's being nice for now because this is an investment for his future. If you can keep him very much at arm's length, see him for an occasional walk or whatever - well and good. But you don't sound as if you'd be great at maintaining distance. I'd say plenty more fish in the sea - and some fish put their hands in their pockets!

Ugh, He didn't even to offer to pay for the cokes after you had planned and paid for the date (even if you did want to do it)? At the very least he is ill mannered. You sound lovely. You found him, you will surely find someone else who is more worth your efforts.

Yes I agree with you Bugged. Op sounds like a right saddo - I can imagine him plotting his story and then waiting for his “ahaaaa! Gotcha girls!” moment
If it is true I really hope for the poor nurses sake he finishes things - sounds like she’ll have a lucky escape!

Threads like this make me realise how lucky I am to have such a generous and kind partner! I’m glad we’re “old-fashioned”!

RECENT POSTERS PLEASE READ THE THREAD

THE POSTER IS A MAN. THE DATE IS A WOMAN.

He lied for about 12 pages then said 'Ah, fooled you all. I'm a guy, actually.'

It depends how old he is and his career trajectory. Don't write him off because he's a nurse. I'm a nurse and earn £45 k a year. My friend is a male nurse but now earns over 80k a year.

He did lie, but it doesn't change the basic premise that no one should expect to be paid for during every date, whether male or female!

Ok just switch the he for she. Not sure why poster switched sex but some people are odd!

@ShesGotBetteDavisEyes

He's the saddo? You are stuck in the 50's.

Try telling my clever, independent daughter to sit there like a fucking moron expecting the man to pay.

@Ijustwanttoretire maybe your username says something about your attitude to money?

OK, so I get what you are saying to a degree, but the fact that he works and so isn't a benefit scrounger

Fucksake.
Are you unaware of the proportion of benefits paid to in-work people?
Are they scroungers too?
Or do you reserve your ire for people who find themselves without work, or unable to work, & yet still have an irritating desire to eat & pay bills?

But if he won the lottery next week you'd go back with him?
Not the issue.
The issue is, OP's date (it's a she btw, this is a reverse) is not contributing proportionately while she's skint - so why would she if she suddenly were not?

OP has stated time & again that he's willing to pay the lion's share. His feelings are simply a little hurt, & he's justifiably wary, of a date who won't even buy him a coke or bring a token house-gift when he cooks for her at home.

That's not about money, it's about thoughtfulness & mutual respect.
So unless this date changes her tune & has been saving up to treat OP on their next date - which is a possibility, as she has suggested this specific date - I think OP should cut & run.

I am quite capable of earning my own money. I earned double my husband's wage

& yet expected him to pay your way on dates.
Bizarre.
As is the rest of your DoubleThink rant at 14:53:0.

Yabu for doing a reverse
They should be deleted imo

Ok, I admit I missed the part where the OP was male. Makes no difference in how I responded. Just replace "he" with "she".

"Most women's expectations are that they are wooed by a man.I wouldn't think anything of letting the man pay for the first few dates while I was trying to suss him out. This is normal."

No, it was not normal even when I first started dating in the mid-1970s
I hope we haven't regressed that much in the last 40 years

I've always had too much pride not to go 50:50

• anyway, I never wanted to date blokes much richer than I am and cba with blokes much poorer, because such an unequal relationship adds complications I don't want.

I'm usually irritated by reverses, but seeing the major difference in responses before / after the OP's reveal wrt "dump the cocklodger"

and still the different attitude from those who haven't rtft

.... I don't blame him

See if she pays, or cooks a meal at home on the next couple of dates

Allowing you to pay for the activity then not even offering to buy you a coke is just rude. I don’t believe she is that skint (she is a professional who earns a reasonable wage, and doesn’t have any childcare costs) it sounds like she’s just tight.

One of my best friends is a student and doesn’t have lot of spare cash at all. If I invite her out for a meal or to the cinema I will usually try to pay as I invited her and I understand her situation BUT she will always insist on paying for a coffee or similar.

The only possible explanation I can think of is that maybe she was in a relationship for a long time where her ex paid for everything, so she thinks this is normal? But even if this is the case I can’t see her attitude changing anytime soon.

do women do things like that to make the man feel trapped / more guilty about ending a relationship/dating?

Well, of course, we all act exactly the same as each other. There is no chance that any of us could act differently to the others. Goodness , what are you suggesting. It's not as if we is girls have free will or any of that nonsense.

Like most people on here I usually hate reverse threads, but this time I think it did prove that there would have been a lot of very different answers if the OP had come clean on his first post. Half way through when he announced that he was a bloke, people tried not to change their minds and in most cases didn't but their attitudes certainly changed.

I am still with you OP though. Unless she comes good on the next date that she is organising, I think I would be done.

OP was right to do the reverse this time. Why do people get so angry about it? The responses he has received since admitting he was the man shows how skewed the views are when roles are reversed