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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dating a lovely man with no disposable money

533 replies

IveGot3kids · 10/02/2020 10:18

I've got a real dilemma. I met a lovely man on online dating, we get on great, and are about 5 or 6 dates in.

I have 3 children and he has 2. All of our children are under 10.

I'm fairly financially comfortable and have enough disposable money to go out for date nights most weeks etc. He's a nurse and is very dedicated to his job and children. He appears to provide the best life he can for them, but as a result, he has seemingly no disposable income. He's been single for a few years and had a very quiet social life so I don't think he realises how much socialising can cost.

I am starting to fall for him and I feel terrible for thinking this, but I don't know if I can continue to pay for all of our dates. Him ever affording a holiday seems impossible.

I am really torn. Am I going to end up falling for him and then resent him down the line?

I know that if I call things off I'll be miserable and sad. AIBU to even consider ending it because of his financial position?

OP posts:
Xenia · 10/02/2020 16:35

I always offer to pay but tended to find men would pay on a first date. However people don't have to anything that costs any money at all - you can go for a walk or stay in and watch something on TV or go for a run or to a park - just accommodate yourself to what feels financially comfortable.

I earned 10x what my husband did by the way as do a fair few women these days so he got more than half our assets on our divorce. We only ever had all joint accounts with everything into and out of that.

Vanhi · 10/02/2020 17:06

(she is a professional who earns a reasonable wage, and doesn’t have any childcare costs)

Well, unless the OP lied about that bit as well, she has 2 children. Presumably they cost something.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 10/02/2020 17:12

.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 10/02/2020 17:25

I agree, @Bluntness100.

Sparkle567 · 10/02/2020 17:52

@Vanhi

Having children and CHILDCARE costs are two different things. She doesn’t pay for anyone to look after her children while she works which means she has more disposable income then someone that does pay childcare.

ASureSign · 10/02/2020 17:54

I earned 10x what my husband

😂😂😂😂. It’s been a while......

Runnerduck34 · 10/02/2020 18:01

Are you sure he's not just tight? Nursing is a good job, I know not exceptionally well.paid but it's not minimum wage either. It's too early to know what his finances are, if he has debts etc but if you have paid for all dates so far for both of you that rings pretty big alarm bells ,

Vanhi · 10/02/2020 18:08

Thanks @Sparkle567 I see what you mean. I have read all the OP's posts but to be honest got caught up in the whole thing of 'hang on, what sex are you, and honestly, this isn't actually a reverse as such' thing and missed some of the finer points.

LolaSkoda · 10/02/2020 18:17

Some men (not necessarily you OP), have such an over inflated ego they think every woman they’re involved with is after their money, and look for small things as validation. Maybe why this was a reverse?

I wouldn’t have brought you flowers or chocolates. Potentially may have bought the cokes. On the next date I would probably offer to pay for the whole thing. I would expect that over time we would roughly pay 50/50.

People keeping financial score is a massive turn off for me though. Whether that’s a friendship or romantic relationship. It would indicate to me that the person is very financially focused and could in the future be financially controlling or abusive.

Perhaps the lady in question is wanting to see whether you’re that sort of person. Who knows.

BlimeyCalmDown · 10/02/2020 18:30

This is one of the reasons I dumped my ex who was also a lovely guy, I was fed up of not being able to go out etc unless I paid. He was quite happy just doing free things and he always spoke of sorting his business out but never did (even 3yrs later). He was too comfortable being skint all the time and I found it oppressive.

siring1 · 10/02/2020 18:46

As long as there is a gender pay gap then the man should pay for the first few dates , esp if he earns more.

I think you're mean OP if I was your gf I'd dump you. I hate men who are tight with money.

cowboy · 10/02/2020 19:08

I've been in a situation where the guy I was seeing had way more money than me, and I had very little money BUT I would always make a point of trying to at least buy a drink, offer to split the bill even though he was incredibly generous.
I think I'd very hearing alarm bells here

justpulledinalldirections · 10/02/2020 19:12

The fact he lets you pay for dates speaks volumes. He's probably not interested in you or just sees you as an easy meal ticket. If he can't afford to date he can't afford a woman

Bubblemonkey · 10/02/2020 19:14

My partners a nurse. I’m a HCA in the same trust... at basic rate, he was pulling in around £300 more a month than I was. Nursing pays peanuts.

VanGoghsDog · 10/02/2020 19:19

I earned 10x what my husband did by the way as do a fair few women these days

Unless he worked part time, or didn't work, or ran one of these businesses people on here seem to run that make no money.....this seems unlikely, doesn't it?

Sophiesdog2020 · 10/02/2020 19:32

this seems unlikely, doesn't it?

@VanGoghsDog - you obviously have never come across Xenia on a thread before then! She is very highly paid London lawyer, as are her daughters, as she tells people on most threads. So yes, it seems very likely that she did earn 10x her husband!

justpulledinalldirections · 10/02/2020 19:39

Ahh just seen you're a man. I would dump you if you even mentioned me paying. Hope she does the same. Tight

justpulledinalldirections · 10/02/2020 19:42

m.youtube.com/watch?v=PdlufR17QO4 this girl has it right

siring1 · 10/02/2020 19:42

Agreed Just!

AudaCityLimits · 10/02/2020 19:43

I was with a lovely, gentle, kind man who was stuck in a cycle of poverty. I wasn't very well off but nothing like as poor as he was. He really struggled with not being able to pay to take me out, and would never have wanted me to pay for him. It did split us up in the end, as he just felt too guilty for not being able to give me the life he thought I wanted. I do regret not fighting for him. I think of him every day.

AhNowTed · 10/02/2020 19:44

"As long as there is a gender pay gap then the man should pay for the first few dates , esp if he earns more.

I think you're mean OP if I was your gf I'd dump you. I hate men who are tight with money."

Wait, he's tight, but your purse is firmly shut??

And moan about the gender pay gap, whilst placing yourself in the lesser role, smiling sweetly while sitting on your hands while a man pays for you??

Was to go in the cause of equality.

kittie01 · 10/02/2020 19:47

Haven’t read the full thread but I was in your situation a few years ago. He slowly got under my skin and before I knew it he’d moved in and paid fuck all and after a while I pushed him out because I didn’t want him to get stubborn and stick around and I wouldn’t be able to get rid of him. He left one day thankfully after bleeding me dry and robbed all the tools from my shed. Run run fast and don’t look back. Ask yourself if he’s so broke what’s he doing online dating for. Scab

AhNowTed · 10/02/2020 19:51

*Way to go

siring1 · 10/02/2020 19:51

Women suffer enough financial inequailty as it is.

If men earn more men pay more!

Anything else is just sexist!

messolini9 · 10/02/2020 19:56

As long as there is a gender pay gap then the man should pay for the first few dates , esp if he earns more.

& if he does not? Must he take one for the team, because his sex generally earns 20% more? And who on earth should he pay for the first few dates? By your logic, surely he should only pay 20% than his female date @siring1?

I think you're mean OP if I was your gf I'd dump you. I hate men who are tight with money.
& I find women who look to men to pay for them contemptible, & a drag on the Sisterhood. But you keep bleating about the pay gap & equality while not offering men equal treatment if that's what floats your boat.