How to explain to friends without toddlers life with toddlers

[Onemorecrisp]

Real examples of convo/ messages welcome:

Current repeating questions: “why can’t we go out for lunch ?”
“Let’s meet at this fine dining place- Just bring the children”
Offering to meet late afternoon
Not receptive to meeting early morning !!!

Just say “that place isn’t ideal for ds but let’s meet at x instead”

Why can’t you meet late afternoon? Why should they do early morning just because you have a toddler?

I would just tell them explicitly that the toddler will ruin the event and that bringing them is not an option. If theyre really that clueless about young children then i'm guessing theyre not likely to be especially tolerant of them either.

Do you have a partner or childcare options at other times?

DH doesn't even get it yet and DS is 8!

My favourite was my friend visiting when my son was 4 weeks old 'we are going to revs at 8pm for dinner and drinks when dont you all join us'

THat doesnt work for us can we do x y z instead. Or leave toddler at home with Dad and go and have fun.

I hate being told that I “get a break” whilst my older children are at school, yet I’m still home with a toddler!! Yeh cos being at home with a toddler is “getting a break”! 😒

Get them to babysit the toddler for a day to enjoy said fine dining experience!
Seriously, be direct about what is likely to happen!

They won't until they have their own. But you can go out to a more appropriate place as long as they realise you may be distracted. Maybe suggest a walk instead. I often met my friends at someplace like Wisley - the kids get a run around, adults get to chat, fresh air and exercise then cafe lunch after.

That my toddler is a cross between Donny from The Wild Tornburys and Taz of Tasmania.

Not receptive to meeting early morning !!!

God, who expects people to receptive to meeting early morning for anything other than a business meeting? My kids are older, but the fuck I'd ever meet anyone early morning except to do a fun hobby or take off on holiday. I bloody hated the toddler years, toddlers are awful. Personally, I'd just put off meeting often until the kids are older.

Just go. Guaranteed they won't ask again.

I understand toddlers, I work with toddlers, and I have children.

Fine dining isn’t ideal with small kids, no, unless it’s a special occasion and they have a reason to be there. But that’s mainly because people pay a lot to go and don’t want it spoiling by unpredictability, not because toddlers are banned, per se.

But I’ve no idea why you can’t go out for lunch, or go out late afternoon.

Aside from the fine dining issue, none of those seem especially thoughtless or a problem?

Fair enough if you don't fancy it/your child naps at that time/whatever, but that's no different from any other logistics of meeting up with a friend.

I have a toddler and would happily meet someone for lunch or in the afternoon, and I'd prefer not to meet in the early morning because I'm not much of a morning person. We're all different.

Like, I'd be more irritated by someone expecting to meet in the evening/for a pint in the pub TBH. Lunch has become my default time to socialise, I think.

I have two toddlers of my own.

I think the reality is, many many toddler friendly activities are just not all that appealing to those without toddlers? I for one did not particularly gravitate towards soft plays, parks on cold days, harvester restaurants or cafes whose main criteria is 'large enough to fit the buggy in' before I had young dc to factor in. These are now the mainstays of my social arrangements.

Your friends do not want to do these things or similar because they are not very fun to a non-toddler parent. As for time of day, surely you have not forgotten that many people enjoy a lie in and a quiet start to the day on the weekend? Of course you are right, 10am is much better timing for a toddler activity. But you surely can see why they dont agree?

I find the easiest things are either to make the plans yourself and be explicit about what works, then give them the option to join in or not. E.g we are going to have a picnic in x park at 12, well be heading off by 3. Would be lovely to see you if you can make it. Failing that, arrange a babysitter.

Saturday lunch or Sunday brunch is the best time to meet friends who don't have children. Leave the DC at home/with a friend and enjoy adult company. That seems to work all round in my experience.

Take them with you and leave friend to mind them as you come down with a sudden and urgent need for the bathroom. Stay in there for half an hour relaxing on your phone and let friend find out for themselves 😁

Not receptive to meeting early morning

Define early....

I always describe having a toddler to people without children that it is like having a work colleague with you who is incredibly drunk. There is no knowing what they will do, who they will speak to, whether they will eat/vomit/scream/lie on the floor/take clothes off or not, they can't be left alone or they cause huge amounts of damage, and they have no volume control!

Also heard it described as having a blender but no lid.

Why do you want to explain life with toddlers to those who don't need to understand?
Just say, that doesn't work for me, and don't be so precious
We don't all need to understand where you're coming from. What effort are you making to understand them?
Just tell them what you can do, and ask them to work around you for a few months
Easy. No drama

Early morning = 9.30/10 . They don’t want to meet at the weekend when I could get dad to take over.

Snobby about toddler things that work eg lunch with a mini soft play area

It's nice that they're not excluding you or your toddler.
It's up to you to just say you can't, you don't need to give reasons.

For me, the toddler stage where I was a slave to their naps and routines was quite short lived, but in the midst of it it really dominated my day and I think it's easy to get a little narrow minded about it.

When I returned to work 4 days a week my Monday nap time was probably the most precious time of the week. Sleeping toddler, no one else at home. NO WAY did I want to give that up. But I didn't expect anyone (apart from those at exactly the same stage) to understand.
To them popping round for a cuppa at 1pm on a Monday might have seemed ideal. To me, it would have been a massive intrusion on my time just to not think or talk or anything.

snobby about toddler things that work eg lunch with a mini soft play area

Because literally no-one wants to eat lunch at a place with a mini soft play area unless they have a toddler to entertain. How many lunches did you have at the mini soft play area place before you had dc?! Its not snobby op. Those places are just not enjoyable to non-parents.

I have children....I don't see why you can only meet your friends in the mornings.

I never did understand that. Why can't you meet in the afternoon?

If they’re otherwise good friends, I would try hard not to become That Precious Inflexible Parent Person (Who Used To Be So Much More Fun). In a few more years, either your child/ren will be easier to go out anywhere with, easier to leave behind at any time, or they’ll have joined you. It’s not worth losing a good friend for the sake of a few tricky years where the arrangements that suit them don’t work for you and vice versa.

I don’t think they will understand any explanation of why those things don’t work. I think you just have to apologise, find things which can work (if there are any! Outside stuff is good as you and DP can take it in turns to be the poor fucker who has to keep leaving the conversation in order to catch up with a marauding small person), and acknowledge it’s a bit rubbish but it’s time limited.

I went through it with DC1; some friends were really good and worked around me because they just wanted to see me and they enjoyed borrowing a baby/toddler, others just waited til I got through that stage and came back. I’m now right back there with DC2 but I’m not worrying this time because I really realise now what a short stretch of time it is.