How to explain to friends without toddlers life with toddlers

[Onemorecrisp]

Real examples of convo/ messages welcome:

Current repeating questions: “why can’t we go out for lunch ?”
“Let’s meet at this fine dining place- Just bring the children”
Offering to meet late afternoon
Not receptive to meeting early morning !!!

[NaviSprite]

Well its only my sister asking me to meet up since having my DC, if I go out at a time when my twin 2yo’s should be napping I get nothing but cranky toddlers for the whole time out and then back at home so I get why the timing can be an issue.

I just told my sister to watch Gremlins and said no naps easily turns my toddlers from the lovely cuddly Mogwai Gizmo (the side that she mostly gets to see when visiting) to the chaotic semi-terrifying Gremlin Stripe, may seem harsh (on them) and maybe too lighthearted for your situation OP but my sister understood better after that

[karencantobe]

A lot of toddlers if they see mum disappear and are left with an adult they don't know, will panic and get very upset. I would never have purposely done that to my kids.

[Leighhalfpennysthigh]

Accept all the invitations and take the toddlers. Pop to the loo without toddlers once in a while. They’ll get it

If you want to lose a friendship this childish behaviour is the quickest way to do it. No one would mind watching a friend's child for a few minutes, but disappearing and leaving a friend with said child......well, frankly I'd leave child with a member of staff, walk out and not bother with you again.

[HollaHolla]

@OnlyFoolsnMothers - I’m up for that; it would be dependent on who was playing!

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

i don’t expect them to have to experience 13 hour shifts on their feet so what if your friends only
suggested meeting at standing gigs after work?

[HollaHolla]

@Fullbookcase - I think the point is, why should they (I) ‘get it’? I didn’t choose/couldn’t have children.
I don’t need to experience it to know what it’s like.

I do want to see my friends, and sometimes their kids. We share the things which are cause for celebration, or what we find hard - I don’t expect them to have to experience 13 hour shifts on their feet, to understand how it feels. Also, I don’t suggest meeting at the hospital in my lunch break, to fit around me. We compromise.

[Lizzie030869]

@karencantobe I agree. The OP seems very inflexible. When I had 2 preschoolers and I wanted to see my friends to get some adult conversation! It wasn't always ideal, it involved having them sleep in their buggy or in the car, going into the garden, meeting up at the park, either before or after lunch. There are plenty of family friendly restaurants. And our friends and relatives understood that sometimes it wasn't ideal and there would be a few upsets.

The key thing, though, was that I wanted to see my friends and family members. I remember having screaming toddler in the car all the way home. But I wouldn't have chosen not to do it.

[Fullbookcase]

Accept all the invitations and take the toddlers. Pop to the loo without toddlers once in a while. They’ll get it.

[karencantobe]

Yes Op says she can meet from 9.30 am and her DC has lunch at 11.30 am and nap from 2 pm. Her friends do not want an early meet up and like decent food.

So invite them round for lunch. Feed DC his lunch. Have them round for lunch 1 pm. Get DC to nap at 2 pm, and chat to friends.
Or go somewhere for lunch that has decent food and lots of young kids. There seems to be loads of places where I live full of middle class mums and young loud kids.
Or meet up for brunch at 11 am. Food will come about 11.15 am. Can still get home and get your DC to nap.
Or go for a walk in a country park over lunchtime and take a picnic or flasks of soup with you.
Or museum or gallery with kids activities.

You need to come up with things that suits you both. At the moment what you are suggesting - a 9.30 am meet up or a place with a soft play, only works for you.

[Lizzie030869]

In my experience, you just have a look at your calendars and work out the dates and times. It's actually always possible if both of you are not completely inflexible.

[Lizzie030869]

It's certainly not something I'd ever do a Mumsnet thread about, it's just life, isn't it?

[Lizzie030869]

@EL8888 I agree. I don't remember ever having this kind of conversation, either before adopting my DDs or since. You arrange a time convenient to both parties and do it. It's always possible to make it happen if both parties want it to, that being the key factor.

I've never experienced this amount of difficulty in arranging to meet up with friends.

[EL8888]

I have sometimes worked 7 weekends in a row. I’m hardly “precious“, l just want to spend my limited time and weekends off doing something relaxing. Rather than dancing to someone else’s tune which is too much like being at work l think

[EL8888]

@ToooRevealing how did l know that comment was coming about her never having a weekend “off” ever. She did choose to have children though as it is a lifestyle choice and she chooses to never leave them with their Dad. Years into this and lm a bit sick of it. I have tried to be accommodating but like l said earlier in the thread, why should 1 person always get stuff their way? Sometimes l will want to do stuff she can’t / won’t do e.g. go to an exhibition so l will do that, not invite her as she won’t come or will invite her. But she will say “it’s not suitable” then suggest a 8.30-9.00 meet up doing something l would never want to do. But yeah she made her choices so why make it into a big thing?

The interesting thing is other friends with young children are not so hard work. So we can find a mid-ground e.g. the park on a nice day, lunch at mine etc. It’s this one particular friend who is always so difficult

[ToooRevealing]

Also- big condolences for anyone who is not child free by choice- having to accommodate children can feel very hard under those circumstances. xx

[ToooRevealing]

completely agree - people have lots of responsibilities they can't swerve. This is my point, when someone has more on than me I compromise with them. You're taking care of aged dementia'd mum - I'll come to you with toddler. Person A works hard all week, has no caring responsibility, and fancies a lie in on sat, but actually could flex their schedule to nap later in the day - I would say it is precious not to accommodate the more restricted person.

[HollaHolla]

Absolutely happy to only see friends with kids when they can get childcare - If we’re going to lunch/drinks. If it’s more casual, then yes, happy to go to theirs/another friends.

I do think it’s disingenuous to say childless people have all of their hours ‘off’. Some of us have other commitments (study, etc.), or caring responsibilities for other adults, etc

I really feel it’s not a race to the bottom, but, the kids of my friends are not my responsibility.

[ToooRevealing]

@HollaHolla fine, just you have to then expect to see your friends only when they can get childcare. If you said "I don't like work, I don't work myself, so I don't want to be inconvenienced by other people's office jobs" - then you'd have to only meet at times when people could fit around their work. No drama.

Im in the middle of a disagreement with That Precious Inflexible Parent Person (Who Used To Be So Much More Fun). She can't see why l don't want to spend weekends off doing what she wants. My partner and l don't get every weekend off and work hard

Your friend doesn't get ANY weekend "off" - the thing you see as her leisure choice is actually part of her non-stop responsibility. It's fine not to want to hang out with kids, but your friend simply doesn't have the option of compromising further. Your time off is still her "work".

I confess it feels precious when a child free friend says "I have only Saturday off this fortnight & couldn't possibly manage 2 hours in soft play". If I am at work all week & looking after toddler all weekend that sounds great! I hear that as "I have 22 hours this Saturday to do whatever I like, and that isn't enough".

Soft play cafes etc are not "what she wants" to do. They are the easiest way for her to discharge her 24/7 responsibility.

[PurpleDaisies]

It’s so lazy to attribute this to her not having a toddler. Even if you don’t have your own, plenty of people will have experienced other people’s, or actually listen to their friends when they’re talking about what’s going on with them.

You don’t need to have a patronising chat about what life is like with a toddler.

[Lizzie0869]

@Jennifer2r I've got a cousin who is very much like you, happily child free and enjoys being a favourite auntie to all the children in the family. She lives overseas so we don't see her much, but when we were on holiday there, she was a great hit with our 2 DDs.

There's a tendency to pigeonhole people in boxes, which is ridiculous, as we're all individuals.

[Jennifer2r]

I am happily child free but I like driving over to friends houses to play lego with their toddlers and other such things.

Please don't tar us all with the same brush.

[EL8888]

@Leighhalfpennysthigh exactly this

[EatsFartsAndLeaves]

Ask them to do lunch in a Wetherspoons. There's high chairs, beer, crayons, cheap food, kids meals, basically it works for everyone. It's not absolutely ideal for everyone, but once they've been out with you and seen what it's like they should have a bit more of an idea of why this is as good as it's going to get for you for the next few years.

[HollaHolla]

Put simply.... I don’t have kids. Although I quite like some kids, I don’t want to lunch with them, or have them along for drinks. It might sound harsh but - I didn’t want kids/couldn’t have them when I did, so it’s not up to me to shape my social life around kids.
If I want to see your kids, well, we can arrange a more child friendly visit.