How to explain to friends without toddlers life with toddlers

[Onemorecrisp]

Real examples of convo/ messages welcome:

Current repeating questions: “why can’t we go out for lunch ?”
“Let’s meet at this fine dining place- Just bring the children”
Offering to meet late afternoon
Not receptive to meeting early morning !!!

[SarahAndQuack]

Depends on the toddler.

I don't think I've forgotten much, she's 2, and last time we went out for lunch was Saturday.

[Lizzie0869]

I have a very good single child free friend, a former colleague, and while she likes to briefly come inside our house to say hello to my DDs, we've always had a child free lunch. Which I myself enjoy too. I don't want to be spending the time with friend telling my DDs off. It's the same with other friends whose children have grown up, though they do like to see my DDs as well at other times.

What I think is that if you really want to meet up with someone, you find ways to make it happen.

[okiedokieme]

To be honest I find some people with young kids quite selfish, I had toddlers once and I would take them (complete with bag of tricks to keep the amused, no smart phones then) to places that others wanted to meet - I didn't expect others to go to kiddy places. Maybe I'm unusual but I didn't let having kids dictate my life despite one having autism

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

Completely agree with you OP- a very sweet friend of mine realised after we did meet for lunch (not a particularly fine dining place, just a standard cafe) how hard it is with a preschooler. Constantly keeping an eye on them- most dont sit still, wont eat what you get them, hassle you for juice, cake, ice cream.
In terms of timing, my LO is up at 5am, waiting until 1pm for lunch is such an effort ...she usually eats lunch at 11.30 and crashes by 2pm. Not all kids are/need to be so structured but mine does and always has...otherwise its meltdown central!
Can I go out with out her, absolutely - do I always want to to accommodate a friend, no. Give and take- but its hard in the early years.

[AiryFairyMum]

If your child is up at 5am, are you putting them to bed too early?

[lljkk]

I sure hope MNHQ let's BrimfulofSasha's post stay. Anyone who posts crap that vile needs to own it.

OP: why is your lunch friend not busy working in the day?

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

AiryFairyMum goes to bed at 7.30pm- up anywhere between 5am-6.45am...sods law the 5am is the weekend. Have moved bedtimes to later, I just end up with a crankier child the next day- plus I want my evening!

[AllesAusLiebe]

I also don't understand the replies you're getting, OP!

I'm in the midst of this phase myself and often have to explain why I can't just have another drink on a Friday evening (because 6am on a Saturday is now party time) - and I guess I'm lucky as I socialise on weekends therefore negating the need to drag DS along with me to social lunches which really wouldn't be enjoyable for anyone concerned.

It should be give and take. When DS was very small, I often went along with a friend of mine to one of those awful soft play restaurants because she had a 2 year old. DS would've (probably) slept for long enough for us to enjoy being somewhere more adult oriented, but I didn't want my mate to feel uncomfortable.

I'm struggling to believe that many people can consistently manage a toddler's behaviour for regular restaurant meals with friends. We're strict about mealtimes at home, but I still wouldn't be confident enough that DS wouldn't ruin a meal out if he had to wait for a long time or was distracted.

[poppymatilda]

I have a toddler and often meeting childfree friends for lunch/brunch/coffee etc.
We live in London so there is a huge choice of places but we'll usually go somewhere mid-range - I always have food, toys and a book with me tp keep her entertained. We'll usually do a gallery, museum or walk in the park after/before (depending on time of day) - DD gets a go on the swings and a run about and if she gets tired I just sling her down in the buggy for nap.
Weekdays are even better in my experience than weekends as coffee shops, restaurants etc are filled with mums and kids!

[Cineraria]

But maybe they do know toddlers, other toddlers, who are quite happy doing that kind of thing. DS1 has always liked eating out very much and was a quiet and bookish toddler and DS2 is naturally more boisterous but loves playing at being a grown up. Both are also night owls who like a lie-in in the morning and we're able to accommodate that now I'm at home full time with them so no morning nursery/work to get up for. I'd view an evening or late afternoon meal at a nice restaurant with them with much more pleasure than trying to get them up and ready for a 9:30 catch up.

That said, before I had children, I thought friends' children were fascinating and actually loved going to meet their mums at cafes with a little soft play area or to visit them at home so I could see their children too and play with them as well as chatting to my friends. Don't be shy to suggest what you think would be better.

[Helini]

@lljkk agreed!

[Orangeblossom78]

I used to just go a walk till they fell asleep and then go to a place to eat with friend, while they slept. That or leave them with my DH.

Why can't you work round your friends rather than expecting them to fit in with your stuff all the time?

[SimonJT]

You know the game the floor is lava, it’s like that, but the floor actually is lava and everything else is on fire.

My only childcare is once a month, my friends know this, so they know if we do something together my son will almost be guaranteed to be there, so suggest something he can attend. If they did suggest something different, I wouldn’t be bothered/annoyed/

[Lizzie0869]

When I was single and wanted to see a friend with a baby/toddler, I used to mostly visit them at their home. I liked that, and it worked for them. If it was a group meet up at a cafe, they came and put their baby/toddler in a high chair. I don't recall it ever being a major talking point.

[Lizzie0869]

And mostly we cooed over the baby/ toddler and then just got on with the meal and let the mum get on with it. I just didn't spend time thinking about it before I was a mum myself.

[Bibidy]

How come your friends don't want to meet at the weekend? Don't they have work during the week?

As for not going for lunch, I'd say yes to that but only if we go somewhere child-friendly. Obviously fine dining isn't appropriate.

Either that or take your toddler fine dining with your friend and then let them cringe all the way through

[Savingshoes]

My world is complete opposite, several friends with younger children and no matter the child friendly suggestion, it never happens.

Me: shall we take your toddler to the local farm/playground/child friendly place?
Friend: maybe but I need to get a few things in town. Let's go to (insert restaurant) and then go shopping.
Me: sounds good to me but won't X be bored?
Friend: no, he loved being in town last time he went.
... turn up at said restaurant. Friend's toddler has already eaten packed lunch. We order our food. Toddler has no toys to play with and starts the mum game.
Toddler: mummy, why does that man do xyz, mummy why is that lady wearing xyz, mummy... I need a poo.
Food arrives, we make a start handing over crafts I have brought with me for toddler.
Friend: let's go shopping
Cue indigestion after trying to Hoover our food down before epic toddler tantrum erupts.

[stuffingball]

I think people are giving you a hard time OP. I could have maybe taken 1st born as a young toddler to lunch as she was relatively easy compared to 2nd born, but it's never happened because by the time she was a toddler ds was born. And I do not entertain the idea of taking them both out to places like that without dh now they are both toddlers.

Even with 1 I think I would be annoyed by child free friends who just don't "get" it, although would try and meet half way.

Some toddlers are okay and pretty easy going, some are whirlwinds who need 100% supervision at all times (looking at you ds1 ) and I think the posters who are saying you are being unreasonable have either forgotten what it's like, don't have a whirlwind, or are clearly the perfect parent

[CeibaTree]

My favourite was my friend visiting when my son was 4 weeks old 'we are going to revs at 8pm for dinner and drinks when dont you all join us'

We went out loads for dinner in the evening when our eldest was under 3 months old. He would just sleep in his buggy or sling, so I don't think a dinner or drinks thing is too outlandish a suggestion for parents with a 4 week old. Not exactly taking them to a nightclub!

[ActualHornist]

YABU. Who wants a social engagement at 0930??

Just tell them you can’t and don’t want to with toddler in tow.

[Zoecarter]

God I have an 18 month old and we like a leisurely morning no way would we make a 9:30/10 play date.

Also we only do lunch with soft play with other perants. It’s hell on earth and you can’t relax because your kid is off. I also wouldn’t take him to a fine dining establishment. But midrange chain restaurant such as ask, zizzi, tgi Fridays, Wagamama etc is perfect.

[mnahmnah]

When I was child-free I had zero knowledge of anything to do with babies and children. No idea about routine, sleep, food etc. So I can see where she’s coming from.

However, it is perfectly possible to take a toddler to somewhere nicer to eat than a Wacky warehouse type place. And to meet up late afternoon.

[hopefulhalf]

Who wants a social engagement at 9:30 ?
Well me actually, I regularly meet up to go running at 7:30 on sunday, I am at my desk by the same time most days. I think 9:30 is a very normal meet up time.

[SpoonBlender]

To paraphrase something that gets said here often, LTB.

No, hang on - the other one.

You don't have a toddler problem, you have a friend problem. Your friends are unaware, unempathic, unsympathetic, thoughtless.... and probably dicks. Try LTF and get some new ones?

[Permanentlyexhausted]

You don't have a toddler problem, you have a friend problem. Your friends are unaware, unempathic, unsympathetic, thoughtless.... and probably dicks. Try LTF and get some new ones?

Indeed! The friend and the OP both. Time to find some new friends who enjoy eating their lunch at soft-play at 9.30 am, OP.