Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the school counsellor should be giving us information re dd15

208 replies

W1nt3rb3rr13s · 02/01/2020 17:53

Dd has been self harming and has been seeing the school counsellor. We weren’t informed sessions had started. We know nothing about why she is doing it or what is being discussed at said sessions and thus how we can help her. She doesn’t talk to us at all.She spends every available time in her room on her lap top. Today it was until 2 when I came back and removed it. She then said the counsellor said she should have as much screen time as she wants as it distracts her. I disagree. I think she needs to get out of her room, off screens, to get some exercise and a hobby. As there is no dialogue I can’t discuss this with said counsellor or ask why she would advise her in such a way or even how we could help her. Confused She’s 15 and still a child and it seems ridiculous. We’ve been to GP who has referred us to CAMHS. We got a crappy postcard through the post and that was it.

OP posts:
Dogsaresomucheasier · 02/01/2020 17:55

I think your dd should be able to talk to her counsellor in confidence but you should also be able to access advice, e.g. “what did you recommend about the laptop as a distraction?”

Original poster
W1nt3rb3rr13s · 02/01/2020 17:56

So can I contact her?

OP posts:
Dogsaresomucheasier · 02/01/2020 17:59

I think you could, but don’t expect to be given details of what is discussed in her sessions.

HappyHedgehog247 · 02/01/2020 18:01

The counsellor cannot divulge content of the sessions. S/he may be willing to discuss, with DDs agreement, how you can best support her.

SpiderHunter · 02/01/2020 18:03

If she's talking to a medical professional then your DD is entitled to the same privacy whether it is accessed through the school or GP services. At 15 a child would ordinarily be deemed competent to make their own medical decisions and you have no more right to know what is said than your own DM would have to your medical information.

However, the counsellor will know best what, if any, info she is allowed to share with you so contacting her directly might be the best option.

Drabarni · 02/01/2020 18:03

Is your dd under CAMHS? and is it a fully qualified psychologist who sees her at school, rather than an unqualified volunteer.
I adk as sometimes the unqualified volunteer or nurse without specialism can make things worse.
I think if qualified specialist and you are communicating with CAMHS then she should be ok, but otherwise I'd be wanting to know as self harm is not just needing a little chat.

Original poster
W1nt3rb3rr13s · 02/01/2020 18:04

I think she has got worse since seeing the counsellor. It’s ridiculous. We live with her. How does not giving us any info re supporting her help her?

OP posts:
IncyWincyGrownUp · 02/01/2020 18:06

We were advised that removing phones etc was a way of cementing feelings of separation and alienation, so to tread carefully.

Original poster
W1nt3rb3rr13s · 02/01/2020 18:06

We’ve had zilch bar a postcard from CAMHS. I have no idea how to help her. From my reading sitting in her room for hours on end on a lap top is the last thing she should be going.

OP posts:
Original poster
W1nt3rb3rr13s · 02/01/2020 18:08

Surely they should be encouraging her to get out, get some exercise etc. Some tips on how those on the frontline actually dealing with it could facilitate that would be helpful.Hmm

OP posts:
Allington · 02/01/2020 18:09

Well, if your DD wants to quote the counsellor, then your DD needs to give permission for the counsellor to confirm their advice directly to you. Plus the context - i.e. the counsellor may have said the laptop can help with distraction, but that doesn't the counsellor meant being on it 24/7.

If your DD will not give permission for that conversation between you and the counsellor, then stick to your rules.

DD1 was an expert at misrepresenting my words and actions to her counsellor, and the other way round. I got wise very quickly, sadly the counsellor swallowed it hook, line and sinker. And that was, in the long run, damaging for DD1.

Original poster
W1nt3rb3rr13s · 02/01/2020 18:12

I’m suspecting misrepresentation on both sides but if there is no communication...... What an utterly shit system.

OP posts:
Equanimitas · 02/01/2020 18:12

As a matter of law the counsellor can’t be made to break your daughter’s confidentiality. However, it would be reasonable to check with her whether she really did say your daughter should have unlimited screen time - I’d strongly suspect your daughter made that up or misunderstood it. More importantly, it would make a lot of sense to ask for a discussion about how you can best support your daughter, making it clear that you’re not expecting her to break confidentiality.

SpiderHunter · 02/01/2020 18:15

The charity YoungMinds have a parent helpline who may be useful for strategies to support your DD, if you haven't already tried them.

Purpleartichoke · 02/01/2020 18:15

Your dd is entitled to privacy, but the counselor absolutely can talk to you about how you perceive dd’s issues and how she thinks you can support dd. Contact the counselor and schedule a meeting.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 02/01/2020 18:16

She then said the counsellor said she should have as much screen time as she wants as it distracts her.

Former children and young people's counsellor here. If I had a penny for every time a teenager falsely claimed to their parents I said they should have unlimited screen time/be allowed out whenever they want/didn't have to go to school when they don't feel like it etc etc I'd be a very rich woman. Kids try it on.

As for your main point about the counsellor sharing information, she will be bound by strict guidelines around confidentiality. She can only discuss the content of your DD's sessions if DD agrees for her to do so or if your DD tells her something that leads her to be believe she is at risk of significant harm. She can give you general advice around the management of your DD's self harm but have you actually asked for this? Is there anything to stop you ringing the school and asking to speak to the counselor or are you assuming this contact should be instigated by her?

FamilyOfAliens · 02/01/2020 18:16

We have a counsellor in our school.

She doesn’t share details with parents of what’s discussed in counselling sessions. However, she also speaks to parents before sessions start to gain consent (primary school).

If children want to share what’s discussed in sessions with their parents, that’s fine. But parents don’t have an automatic right to know what’s said in confidence in sessions.

Tableclothing · 02/01/2020 18:18

X post Spider

Original poster
W1nt3rb3rr13s · 02/01/2020 18:21

No haven’t contacted school counsellor but will.

Sorry but I think parents should know what is discussed. She gets a session once every 2 weeks. We then have to live with her and manage it- not school and not the counsellor. It would be in her best interest if we were all singing from the same hymn sheet.

I had no idea there was such a shit system. Zero info or support for parents. And they wonder why mental health issues in teens are so prevalent these days.Hmm

OP posts:
Thirtyrock39 · 02/01/2020 18:22

Although she is gillick competent (unless any learning difficulties ?) so the counsellor has to respect confidentiality it is often really helpful to share some info in terms of strategies and advice given with parents although if your daughter had specifically asked the counsellor not to do this she can't share anything with you
I'm surprised to hear of a primary school aged counsellor not sharing info with parents though as its quite different when under 13.
I would be very surprised if she's been told she can have unlimited screen time as this is one area anyone working in emotional well-being would know should be limited especially at night due to its effects on sleep and the impact poor sleep has on mental health as well as all the other negative effects it can have

mumtomaxwell · 02/01/2020 18:23

In the school I work in, parents can contact the outside agencies supporting their child in their own right. But as several PPs have said, your daughter has a right to confidentiality.

You can get advice on how to support her, but don’t expect details about her individual issues.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 02/01/2020 18:27

Sorry but I think parents should know what is discussed

If that was the case then the majority of young people I work with would decline my support to be honest.

If your DD has sessions with CAMHS they won't break her confidentiality either, unless they have to for a safeguarding reason. Your DD is also of an age where she's legally entitled to visit the GP and obtain treatment (such as birth control) and you have no right to know about it. You're entitled to your opinion but the law doesn't agree with you. The reality is that children have certain rights, so you can't expect the school counsellor to risk being struck off by their regulatory body to please you.

TheBigFatMermaid · 02/01/2020 18:28

She spends every available time in her room on her lap top. Today it was until 2 when I came back and removed it. She then said the counsellor said she should have as much screen time as she wants as it distracts her

I smell a very smelly rat! She is pulling a fast one! There is no way a counsellor would say that.

Ring the counsellor and ask directly if they said that. They can't divulge what DD says to them, but I'm sure if that's what they really said (it's not) they would have no problem confirming it.

Tell DD you're going to do it too, I bet she back pedals!

Original poster
W1nt3rb3rr13s · 02/01/2020 18:29

I think it’s nuts.

I suspect she’s told them not to discuss anything with us as she doesn’t want to do anything they suggest other than unlimited screen time.

How helpful.Confused

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread