To think the school counsellor should be giving us information re dd15

[W1nt3rb3rr13s]

Dd has been self harming and has been seeing the school counsellor. We weren’t informed sessions had started. We know nothing about why she is doing it or what is being discussed at said sessions and thus how we can help her. She doesn’t talk to us at all.She spends every available time in her room on her lap top. Today it was until 2 when I came back and removed it. She then said the counsellor said she should have as much screen time as she wants as it distracts her. I disagree. I think she needs to get out of her room, off screens, to get some exercise and a hobby. As there is no dialogue I can’t discuss this with said counsellor or ask why she would advise her in such a way or even how we could help her. She’s 15 and still a child and it seems ridiculous. We’ve been to GP who has referred us to CAMHS. We got a crappy postcard through the post and that was it.

I agree @Thoughtlessinengland

Not to be nasty at all OP, but this is quite serious and I can’t believe how...
I dunno.

Naive?

Most parents would be terrified of what their child does next and you haven’t so much as pushed to speak to her school/ counsellor and instead have waited for correspondence from them?

thought

www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/teenagers-guide-to-depression.htm

How ridiculous and not brushing off. Where on earth did you get that from? I too can Google and did. Everywhere you look says healthy habits help depression.

I don't think it's fair to say that the op hasn't pushed for help. This whole thread is about her pushing for info and the frustration at not being able to know.

I have no name of the counsellor, no means of contacting them, no idea of protocol and a dd who has forbidden me from contacting school. I have done research re depression and sitting in her room in bed for hours on a laptop is not a good idea. I am trying to support her thanks.

Right everyone agree's that having a child with mental health issues is crap and the support is poor too, but bloody hell OP , you have been given a shit ton of good advice on how to proceed going forward and yet still your stand point is 'its all shit , I am not going to do anything remotely proactive , I am going to continue just saying it is shit' . Well done you for realising what thousands of parents do everyday, mental health resources in this country are pants, children and their families suffer as a result, welcome to a very big club. At least have the courtesy of saying you just want a big fat hairy vent at the unfairness of it all and you will be heeding some of the excellent advice posted on here tomorrow

And what is it with the do you get on with your dd, this is serious....

How nice. We’re well aware it’s not good. That said self harming is apparently incredibly common or so we’ve been told. We are trying to be calm and not hysterical.

OP, I was this teen. But with no school input.
Would not engage with my mother at all because she “just wouldn’t GET it”

I was embarrassed and ashamed of self harming. So embarrassed. I would cover up and wouldn’t let anyone see. I didn’t have a “reason” for doing it that anyone could fix.
I just couldn’t cope with my emotions and the stresses of school, exams, fitting in, mean girls, my appearance, feeling low.. a range of things that teenagers go through. Self harming made me “feel” .. something.

The first time my mum seen marks on me she said “ have you been cutting yourself? Wow if that isn’t attention seeking I don’t know what is..”

The second time she seen she said “aw have you been scratching yourself again” with a smirk. And a dry laugh. Like it was all a joke.
I was never able to open up to her again. And many many years later I’ve never forgotten it, and never will.

And please tread very carefully. The point I’m hoping to make is, without realising, you may not be making it easy for your daughter to open up. (Equally she may just not WANT to) but if she gets the impression you are DESPERATE for a “reason” for her self harm etc, she will close off. Usually it’s a build up of feelings and emotions. And not just a specific thing causing self harm. She is hiding it. So is ashamed.

Try to bond with her, be there for her, open up to her and don’t mention self harm. Don’t look at it, don’t hint at it. Just be there for her for anything. Hopefully one day she may open up.

And I hope it goes away when the teen stress ends. It did for me.

I haven't read the full thread - but in my school the kids can see the counsellor, and it is confidential. BUT there would also be a kind of support in place - usually with the tutor who would feed back to the parents. Contact her tutor or even the DSL if you feel you need more contact/info to be shared. I am sure the school/tutor would welcome your input - I know I would. Good luck.

As someone who has self harmed, and had a dc that self harmed, please understand I dont mean to be mean, but this isnt about you.
As a parent, of course you think, yes it dang well is, but its not.
If you are struggling with feeling helpless and feeling excluded, and frustrated, speak with your own counselor about how to manage your feelings.

Your DD needs a complete separation, a space where she can say anything, and not have to weigh your response. That is what that confidential relationship is for.
Your need to help her fix her issues does not outweigh her need for a safe space.

'How ridiculous and not brushing off. Where on earth did you get that from? I too can Google and did. Everywhere you look says healthy habits help depression.'

You are looking at this 1 dimentionly OP and that won't help, nor will taking snippets and trying to apply them, . She may perceive your help in a way you don't etc.
It's not as simple or easy as googling!

Counselling is not about diagnosing or providing treatment plans. It's a space to talk in confidence, with someone who's been trained to listen in a specific way.

I can understand why you're looking for answers and that you're concerned about your DD, but you really need to work on your own relationship with her. The counsellor (or anyone else) can't tell you what to do or how to support your DD. You can read about self harm but at the end of the day, everyone's reasons for self harming will be different. You need to take your clues from your DD and find a way to support her, based on your relationship with her. It doesn't really matter how you label what's going on for her (depression, anxiety etc.), it's her experience that matters.

Who said I’m not going to do anything proactive? I’ve said we’ll now be contacting school re counsellor twice.

Self-harming is its own beast and isn't necessarily a symptom of depression.

Coping mechanisms need to be found to deal with self-harm before you can address depression.

A good walk is not going to stop the urge to cut i'm afraid. As a self-harmer of 24 years (note I'll never say former, but have been clean for a while) I can tell you any coping mechanism / distraction you can find might not be deemed the healthiest, but they are the lesser devil.

You can't fix everything at once.

The system is incredibly over subscribed Im afraid. 21st Century conditions for teenagers are very different and the number who need help and support is huge and increasing and there are not just not the people and services available due to a lack of funding.

I think you need to separate out the personal support your DD needs and the support that you need in order to try and help. They are too very different things and the school counsellor frankly only has time to help your DD twice a week.

Private counselling might help if you can afford it - but that will be between your DD and her therapist.

What you want is guidance on how to deal with it - there have been those links posted already

So Saran I’m now being berated for Googling, further up thread I was being berated for not Googling. Take your pick.

Your DD may not want you to contact school but actually you can contact school in terms of the pastoral lead. They can give you good advice re self harm. You could phone your local CAMHS, school will have the number and ask about waiting time and if they have advice leaflets in the meantime.
In the Mix is a good website too
Best of luck OP.

I'm just throwing this out there and someone who knows more about this sort of thing might be along shortly saying it's a daft idea but would family therapy help? It might help you discover ways to help her and maybe change things that she struggles with.

Why won’t you answer me regards to your relationship with your daughter? I actually think this is quite an important question.

How do you get family therapy?

This must be very difficult for you OP. How do you feel about the self harm and depression, have you her other parent or a close friend to talk about it all with? You sound worried as as though it's all pressing down on you.

You daughter has a right to confidentiality in her counselling sessions unless she a danger to herself and others, and that applies whether she has the counselling at school, or is referred by the GP or accesses some therapy privately. The same rules apply.

What is your relationship with her like generally? Do you get on well? Does she seem okay at school in terms of her work, have friends etc?

@W1nt3rb3rr13s - the cousellor isn't there to diagnose so I wouldn't take what your DD has said as confirming there is no anxiety.

You say you have no information or support but you have been given a lot on this thread. If you were to let us know what is or isn't helpful we might be able to support more. Have you looked at the DBT skills?

Young minds website has advice for parents including a helpline I think.

You do come across as resentful at not knowing the content of the sessions. This is simply not permitted, just as you would have no right to know if she were seeing your GP about sexual health for example.

I would absolutely contact the school's pastoral lead (DSL or Head of Year for example) and ask for a meeting explaining the situation at home. They may be able to encourage your daughter to meet with you and the counsellor together for a session for example or gain her consent to pass on advice on what she feels will help.

CAMHS can be helpful but self-harm is very common unfortunately so unless there are signs of suicidal ideation/intent, it could be a long wait.

Sorry , I hadn't seen that about contacting the councillor, I do think contacting some of the charities that have been linked to would be good too, get as much advice and knowledge as you can, it will help you as much as your daughter.

I have been told the Young Minds parents helpline is excellent too

OP have you thanked the Many posters who written long Replies with advice supoort and given of their time? Can you read across your own posts and see any agression in them?