To think the school counsellor should be giving us information re dd15

[W1nt3rb3rr13s]

Dd has been self harming and has been seeing the school counsellor. We weren’t informed sessions had started. We know nothing about why she is doing it or what is being discussed at said sessions and thus how we can help her. She doesn’t talk to us at all.She spends every available time in her room on her lap top. Today it was until 2 when I came back and removed it. She then said the counsellor said she should have as much screen time as she wants as it distracts her. I disagree. I think she needs to get out of her room, off screens, to get some exercise and a hobby. As there is no dialogue I can’t discuss this with said counsellor or ask why she would advise her in such a way or even how we could help her. She’s 15 and still a child and it seems ridiculous. We’ve been to GP who has referred us to CAMHS. We got a crappy postcard through the post and that was it.

Our counsellor doesn’t give advice or recommend strategies for dealing with self-harming behaviours. Counselling is a process for exploring a young person’s feelings. It’s not a service for telling parents what to do.

I know it’s frustrating OP, but you need to speak to a mental health support service for advice about the self-harming, not her counsellor.

There’s no way you will be told the ins and outs of what’s being said. How can your daughter open up if everything she says is going to get fed back to you. I also think it’s unlikely the counsellor will have told her the should have as much screen time as she wants. At 15 she would be classed as being old enough to make her own decisions, ie she could make medical decisions for herself. I know this sounds ridiculous as she’s a child. I would feel exactly the same as you 💐

The level of qualifications counsellors need to provide confidential support to teenagers is woeful IME.

I'd want to know exactly what qualifications this person has. The idea that you cannot question advice given to a vulnerable teenager because the counsellor must be beyond reproach at all times is absurd.

If the OP's daughter is getting worse rather than better and some of the advice seems dubious then I think the OP should be well within her rights to find out what strategy this person is recommending

I’d like to know what they are suggesting she does to help herself

You're perfectly entitled to call the school, ask to speak with the counselor and ask them that question. No one is suggesting otherwise.

I don't understand these situations tbh. The OP is legally responsible for her daughter, and anything that happens to her. I get the desire for privacy, sometimes massive and overwhelming desire for privacy, but if the ball stops with the parent, how can the parent do their job to their best ability if they are not being told what's going on in the counselling sessions?

I know people who work in mental health. I can also safely say not one of them would ever encourage people to have as much screen time as she wants, no matter what.

I think the system is shit because we have to support her. We aren’t told how.
But you can find out. A quick Google throws up a lot of links to tell you how.

youngminds.org.uk/find-help/for-parents/parents-guide-to-support-a-z/parents-guide-to-support-self-harm/
www.familylives.org.uk/advice/teenagers/health-wellbeing/self-harm/
www.harmless.org.uk/whoWeSupport/familyAndFriends
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-harm/for-friends-and-family/#.Xg4_F0f7TIU

Your daughter has a right to privacy - the counsellor is there for her, not you...

The idea that you cannot question advice given to a vulnerable teenager because the counsellor must be beyond reproach at all times is absurd.

No one has actually said that though.

You haven't even spoken to the counsellor and yet you know they won't discuss anything with you, they won't give any support or advice and they're going against your belief on screen time. You sound really amgry and like you're projecting it on to the counseller. Your child has a legal right to confidentiality. Do you not think she deserves this?

I think you need to rethink your approach if your DD is talking to the counsellor but not you. Why does she feel more comfortable talking to the counsellor? Maybe suggest other ways she can distract herself rather than just taking her coping strategy away. This in itself could be a reason for the self harm. It is ridiculous suggesting the counsellor is not providing support even though they see your DD less than you do. You say you provide support but also say you don't know how to support and it certainly sounds like you are getting it wrong.

Don't go into this seeing the counsellor as the enemy - it will be of no help to your daughter and could drive an even bigger wedge between you.

If the OP's daughter is getting worse rather than better and some of the advice seems dubious then I think the OP should be well within her rights to find out what strategy this person is recommending

As I posted upthread, a counsellor will not be giving advice or recommending strategies. However, OP, I do think you can reasonably ask whether the counsellor is registered with the BACP (ours is).

I know some schools say they offer counselling support but not all their
practitioners are qualified counsellors.

That link wasn’t helpful.

Dd won’t discuss it at all or let us see her injuries. I saw them by accident and when at the gp for something else.

She’s your daughter. You don’t own her.

YABVU.

I was like your daughter and my mum invading my privacy and having the same attitude you have didn’t help.

If she’s not talking to her you, OP, you should be pleased she’s at least talking to someone.

Thanks for your helpful post Under we’re aware we’re getting it all wrong as funnily enough we’re not trained counsellors.

She doesn’t discuss it with us or teachers as she is a very closed book and always has been. People differ. She’s also a teenage girl.

I went to speak to the school councillor when I was 17 (I’m 22 now) and found out I was pregnant. I wasn't in the best of places and needed the support of that councillor if she had been going and telling my parents what I was telling her I wouldn’t have continued going and getting the support that I needed and because of that councillor I now have a brilliant life with dd and dh and a good business that keeps growing. That councillor was able to give me an outside perspective and advice that my parents couldn’t as they had their own emotions clouding judgement on my situation. So no if my dd was in that situation I wouldn’t even ask as I know I wanted that privacy. At 15 there will be things she finds easier to talk about to a stranger who won’t judge that her parents, my sessions and what was discussed is still a mystery to my parents and I don’t think I’ll ever tell them what was going through my head at that point in my life. One thing my mum kept saying to me though is that she was always available to talk to if I needed it and kept asking me if there’s anything I needed her to do, I think her saying these things kept reminding me she’s there to support me even if I can’t say what I was thinking to her. The councillor will contact you immediately if she gets the smallest suspicion your daughter will harm herself, I was told that would be the only reason my councillor would contact my parents without my permission and your daughter was probably told the same. Hang in there op.

Oh ok I won’t invade her privacy. I’ll just leave her to crack on with it.

Counsellors should not give advice. They are meant to talk things through with clients so the client can come up with their own answers.
I think there is generally a misunderstanding about the role of a counsellor. Counselling may not be for your DD although it sounds like she is engaging with it at the moment which is a positive.

my dd (also 15) sees her school Councillor, and like others above have said, she can't pass on info/what they have talked about without dd's consent. she talks to us about what is said in her sessions, but she sees her due to her anxiety rather than self harming, so i suspect it is easier for her to talk about (the councillor mainly discusses triggers and coping mechanisms with her so easy to pass the info on). i think you can phone the councillor though, and ask their advice on how you should support dd at home and they should be more than happy to help.

I susect that if you asked to speak to the counsellor you would be able to do so, and they would give you general advice and support (without divulging particular info about your daughter) as well as an explanation of their services with the schoolchildren.

A counselling service can't operate without promising confidentiality to its clients. They will have explained to your daughter that they will share information with others only with her consent or if there is an emergency-type reason (eg risk of significant harm).

If you approach things sensitively and cooperatively, it may be that the counsellor will be able to discuss with your daughter the possibility of sharing some information with you or even working towards involving you in some of the sessions. But this would only be with the daughter's consent.

She is self harming, it’s worse since the counselling started and they haven’t contacted me.

I wouldn’t expect a counsellor to break confidentiality of what’s discussed in the counselling sessions - BUT - telling you of the strategies that could be tried to help you should be a given.
As for the counsellor telling her she should be allowed to live on devices 24/7 I’m certain your daughter is trying it on. The internet can be very toxic to a vulnerable mind, and even if she’s not having self esteem issues or bullying or anything like that, it would just encourage her to withdraw within herself even more.
Ask the counsellor about the laptop.

Just to add I have a very close relationship with my parents my mum espically and always have, but as a teenager espically it’s just hard/embarrassing/awkward to talk to parents about certain things.

@W1 - you don't have to be a trained counsellor to be able to support your daughter. You seem to want everything to be the counsellor's fault. You say you got a postcard from CAMHS? Was it an appointment or something else? Have you looked at DBT? Lots of skills you could help your daughter to learn to help with self harm.

They won't contact you though. Not if she's not in immediate danger from others or herself.

Chase up her referral to camhs. Or just call them for advice and say the counselling seems to be coinciding with her deteriorating. However it might not be due to counselling. It could be anything.

www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/self-harm/confidentiality-and-self-harm-5685.html this link from 'The Mix' says that the confidentiality between a Councillor and a child (so under 16) won't be broken unless the child says that they want to commit suicide. so they won't tell you if she is self harming.

No it was a crappy postcard with a number half hidden in it addressed to dd. We have received zilch.