To think the school counsellor should be giving us information re dd15

[W1nt3rb3rr13s]

Dd has been self harming and has been seeing the school counsellor. We weren’t informed sessions had started. We know nothing about why she is doing it or what is being discussed at said sessions and thus how we can help her. She doesn’t talk to us at all.She spends every available time in her room on her lap top. Today it was until 2 when I came back and removed it. She then said the counsellor said she should have as much screen time as she wants as it distracts her. I disagree. I think she needs to get out of her room, off screens, to get some exercise and a hobby. As there is no dialogue I can’t discuss this with said counsellor or ask why she would advise her in such a way or even how we could help her. She’s 15 and still a child and it seems ridiculous. We’ve been to GP who has referred us to CAMHS. We got a crappy postcard through the post and that was it.

As someone who was in your DD's position, please respect her privacy and don't make her show you her injuries.

Just support her in little ways, take her up a snack, let her know you're available if she wants to talk but never get angry about what she may say or be judgemental.

It is a hard habit to break so you'll need to be patient.

It's very unfair. The system is utterly fucked and it shouldn't be this way, however, your DD has someone to speak to, someone to confide in and someone to help her work through her feelings, seperate to NHS support which is better than it could be. She's entitled to her privacy and the school will actively break confidentiality if they think your DD is a risk to herself or others. Where I work it isn't standard protocol that we share any information regarding specific counsellor names or details with student families but the head of pastoral care acts as the main contact for all queries and is very good at talking to parents. I don't think it's unreasonable for the school not to give you the name or details of a named counsellor due to privacy reasons but they should have a student support/pastoral lead/wellbeing head or similar who can advise.

A list of what to do and not to do in cases of self harm just doesn't exist. Sadly it is common but also extremely personal, a list of 'how to support someone who self harms' is just as likely to cause more harm than good. There do tend to be a lot of volunteer or privately run support groups for people who self harm and families supporting self harmers in most towns, try googling home + self harm support group and I'm sure there will be someone who can support you through supporting your DD

@Thoughtlessinengland
My thoughts exactly.
Got pretty personal in my reply and didn’t get a response

Not berating OP and I didn't say not to google, what I said was ...it's not as simple or easy.
You may find that your frustration is acting as a barrier between you and your daughter, understandable but needs to be addressed.

Occasionally CAMHS offer family therapy if they think that is required and will be helpful to achieve positive change

It's confidential so YABU to want to know what's discussed. Many of the problems with children are actually caused by the parents.

Parents often are clueless about the issues their children are facing. If the counselling isn't confidential, the children will not be as open and the therapeutic relationship will not develop.

Your DD is most likely lying. A counsellor wouldn't say she can have endless screen time with.

DBT skills on Googling went over my head. One thing I looked at mentioned mindfulness which she rejects. Have tried suggesting mindful activities. All rejected.

You come across as pretty aggressive and confrontational OP. If that’s how you come across to a bunch of strangers, how do you act with your daughter?

I think the relationship you have with her (and her with the other members of your family) is very relevant here.

My son is 13 and had sessions with a counsellor. The counsellor said that unless there was something said that he considered to be “worrying” (ie a SS referral), the contents of their sessions wouldn’t be discussed. Fine by me as I know that that means son is getting help and everything is ok as SS haven’t been knocking on my door.

I’d be surprised if the counsellor said unlimited screen time, because DD who has self harmed, etc, has been told regularly by MH professionals to:

1. Live in a routine including getting up and going to bed at a reasonable time
2. Not turn night into day
3. Live healthily, such as proper meals at regular times
4. Take exercise such as going for a walk
5. Practice mindfulness - ie live in the moment and concentrate on what she is doing, rather than letting thoughts go round and round in circles

However no counsellor will tell you what DD discussed, but you can refer to the triangle of care (look it up on Google), whereby they can give you general advice - and they should listen to your feedback on the effects of treatment on DD.

I work with teens' mental health and often deal with parental enquiries. A tip is to politely start any contact with 'I know you can't tell me anything about my child but I could do with some advice on how to help her at home'. Professionals will be relieved that they don't have to fight with you about confidentiality and there is no reason they can't give you one-way information and generic advice. Family therapy is available through CAMHS but it sounds like your daughter is unlikely to agree to participate. I'd try to let go of the screens issue right now and focus on being supportive to your daughter, available and uncritical. It's very tough as teens often they won't talk to parents. It's really positive that she is willing to see a counsellor and your sense that she's got worse might reflect he fact that sometimes talking makes things worse to start with. And again do call CAMHS and ask for generic advice. Good luck.

Queen your post was reassuring, I would never react like your mother did though.

Normal teenage girl/ mother relationship. Often good but she can be very hormonal and rude during her cycle. She knows she’s loved but is very private at school and at home.

I agree she needs to get out more. Bloody hard at that age though. Is she on any medication.
Has she given any clue as to how all this started?
Is she having a hard time at school? Academically? Friendships? Relationship? Sexuality? Could there have been any abuse?

I think you would have to pay privately op. The school counsellor might actually be able to advise you on this. Perhaps another poster knows more/can tell you if it's a good idea

She is 15 ii think its terrible that her parents arent given some insight into her problems and how to help her, all we hear all the time is about getting help with mental health, what are her parents supposed to do

Speaking as someone who has had counselling a couple of times in my life... a few points here:

Counselling is not advice. A counsellor helps a person to work through thoughts and feelings and to find their own answers. They don't tell you what to do. It is a long process that needs a lot of patience. You say that a counselling session once a fortnight isn't support but it IS to your DD. Counselling sessions can be extremely draining, exhausting and very emotional - every thought and feeling comes to the surface and it is actually bloody hard work. Most of my counselling sessions were at least 2 weeks apart - partly because it's so emotionally charged and exhausting, but also so I had time to process what had been discussed and to take small steps forward. If sessions are too close together it can be overwhelming and you don't get time and space to think about what has been discussed and to process the emotions that go with that.

With the greatest of respect you sound a little like you think your DD is a silly teenager who simply spends too much time in her room/online or whatever, that it's teenage nonsense and nothing a bit of good old fashioned fresh air and exercise won't solve. It may not be intentional and it may be your frustration and concern is just coming out that way but if it's the vibe you're giving out then your DD will certainly feel it and likely feel that whatever is troubling her is going to be dismissed as silly and trivial, or that it is attention-seeking.

Re the anxiety - again, with respect, depression and anxiety run very close together - one can feed the other without you even realising it. My Mum would've denied until she was blue in the face that I EVER had anxiety about anything - yet I struggled with crippling anxiety all through my childhood, teenage years and most of my adult life - it's only been in the last few years it has subsided, although not gone completely. I have also battled depression many times - and honestly there have been times where I didn't know where the anxiety stopped and the depression started. I'm not saying your DD has anxiety but issues like this are never black & white.

Finally - yes, your DD MUST have privacy regarding her counselling - it won't work and/or she won't go if she is unable to open up completely without fear of her confidence being broken. I get that you want to understand what is going on with your DD but chances are she doesn't even know herself yet. She's obviously working through issues - but that process would get damaged irreparably if she couldn't talk openly and honestly about her thoughts and feelings in a safe space. Fair play to her - she is seeking help and recognising that she has problems to be dealt with - many people of all ages never do that. The law allows her to have access to counselling and medical treatment without your knowledge or consent - a legal right that has probably saved many young people from taking their own lives when they have found themselves in impossible situations or battling things that they couldn't talk about with anyone.

The best thing you can do is accept and respect your DD's right to help without your input or your knowledge of what is discussed... and at the same time - take responsibility for your OWN knowledge - do proper research on self-harm, perhaps have some counselling yourself, recognise that for the situation to improve it might need changes in both of you - not just her.

Colouring, dot2dots, crosswords are all easy mindfulness practices as well as being good distractions.

www.getselfhelp.co.uk/distresstolerance.htm

This gives information about the distress tolerance skills in DBT. Different things suit different people but hopefully there might be something that could help.

Sorry but I think parents should know what is discussed

If this had been the case i would never gone to the very much needed therapy as a child if i thought my parents would be told.
As much as it’s hard for you its your daughters right to privacy, right now she clearly does not want to discuss this with you.
She is going to counselling, at least she is speaking to some one she trusts, a good thing for your dd to have someone to speak freely.
I admit, screentime def did help distract me through tough periods.
Do you and your family have support? It’s hard on you as well as your dd.

Op I was that child and would have loved to have had a counsellor at school I could talk to in total confidence just to help me understand myself.
As it was I had no one and my mother constantly mocked me for being “strange” or “different” to the other kids my age.
I had no confidence, didn’t want to leave my room and my parents reactions just made everything so much worse.
If I was you I would reassure my daughter that what she says to the counsellor is in total confidence and you will never ask - she needs that. However I would ask her to get the counsellor to email you if there is something (eg screen time) that she would like you to know so you can help her. Tell her you trust her and you will always be there for her if she ever wants to talk but leave it at that.
Maybe ask her for one hour a week of her time- she can choose when - to spend with you. She can choose what you do: cooking, board game etc. Don’t mention anything about her illness during that time or say anything negative, just enjoy the moment. Tell her that’s the rules and you will leave her alone for the rest of the time if she wants that. Then maybe start increasing the time slowly if it goes well.
That would have helped me so much as I felt I was being judged or criticised every time I came out of my room.

Mental health services in the UK are ridiculously underfunded, the waiting lists are huge and the support you do manage to get on the NHS is frankly not wonderful. (Nothing against the amazing staff who work for the NHS it's just a case of being seriously over stretched). That being said, no councillor will ever give out any information regarding their sessions with their clients, and this cannot be expected. I understand as a parent that must make you feel a bit useless really because of course you want to know what's being said, but honestly having been the teenager in this situation even if you could know what was being said it probably wouldn't be all that helpful.

Self harm is rarely for one particular reason, depression is rarely caused by one particular problem. As PP have said your daughter may not even understand the compulsion to self-harm herself, and it is a compulsion it is incredibly hard to stop what becomes a very addictive habit very quickly. Getting in touch with the councillor for advice on coping mechanisms is a good idea, letting your daughter know that you are available to talk without judgement is a good idea, but pressuring her into talking might push her away further.

It is so hard to get out and exercise, and eat healthily and take care of personal hygiene and be tidy when you are in the depths of depression - harder I think than most people who have never suffered can realise. I know it must be frustrating for you that your daughter doesn't seem to be helping herself, but try not to force the issue. Perhaps you could have a day for just the two of you, I know it sounds a bit silly but sometimes when I felt really awful I just wanted my mum - not to talk to my mum because that was too difficult but just to spend time together and have a cuddle and know that I was still loved regardless of being (in my mind) a bit broken. I'm sorry I can't give much advice but I'm so sorry that your both going through this.

Years ago often parents took no interest in what was happening in there teenagers life. Now many are all over them and expect to know every last detail. I think we need to swing back to a medium where teenagers have the space and freedom to develop their own path through life with support but not interference from parents.

At 15 it is likely that much of what most young people talk to counsellors about is issues with their parents.

She was on her phone all day until 2. Plenty of time to contact friends. That was far too much,she is refusing to hand over her lap top. All day on a lap top is not going to help her mental health.

But if her laptop is her only coping mechanism it could be worse for her mental health to take it away. You need to gradually work on better distress tolerance skills before you can look at healthy emotional regulation skills (like exercise). You need to take it very step by step. The laptop is better than self harm at this point.

Our counsellor doesn’t give advice or recommend strategies for dealing with self-harming behaviours. Counselling is a process for exploring a young person’s feelings. It’s not a service for telling parents what to do.

This. Counselling isn’t there to give advice. It helps people work through their problems and find their own approaches.

It’s devastating when someone you love deeply is harming themselves, but it is likely that your DD doesn’t really know why - at least not yet. It’s heartbreaking for you, and you may find she has further to fall before she finds her why. It’s also especially hard that she is 15 and as her Mum you can no longer dry her tears and make it better. Not because of anything you have or haven’t done, but because her needs have changed.

And you are right. It is shit. Utterly shit.

I’m also inclined to doubt any counsellor has advised 24/7 screen time.

So what can you do?
Start with looking after you. It sounds trite, but you will be better placed to support DD if you are well. You need support, from friends or family or a professional. The fresh air and exercise you recommend for your DD will help you too.

Perhaps consider starting another thread in the mental health or teenage boards. There would be different advice to AIBU, and you can have space to rage.

Follow up on what contact you can have with the counsellor or school. The counsellor not being able to break your DD’s confidentiality doesn’t preclude you expressing your concerns.

You can follow up with CAMHS and her GP too. They will have to respect DD’s confidentiality too, but you can press them to keep her safe. Make them take responsibility for her safeguarding if needs be.

I hope things move in a more positive direction