To think the school counsellor should be giving us information re dd15

[W1nt3rb3rr13s]

Dd has been self harming and has been seeing the school counsellor. We weren’t informed sessions had started. We know nothing about why she is doing it or what is being discussed at said sessions and thus how we can help her. She doesn’t talk to us at all.She spends every available time in her room on her lap top. Today it was until 2 when I came back and removed it. She then said the counsellor said she should have as much screen time as she wants as it distracts her. I disagree. I think she needs to get out of her room, off screens, to get some exercise and a hobby. As there is no dialogue I can’t discuss this with said counsellor or ask why she would advise her in such a way or even how we could help her. She’s 15 and still a child and it seems ridiculous. We’ve been to GP who has referred us to CAMHS. We got a crappy postcard through the post and that was it.

If you dont have any respect for your DDs right to privacy, as a mental health professional myself i can imagine why your DD is struggling with emotional distress.

She is not to be "managed".

She needs respect, compassion and support finding things that help her tolerate distress .

What YOU think is helpful for her , is not necessarily what will be helpful for her.

So your school has been told by the school counselor that they are forbidden by the BACP to give children who self-harm any coping strategies for helping them to manage/reduce their self-harm? That's utterly bizarre and there must be some miscommunication here.

No, don’t be obtuse.

The guidelines outline the process of psychodynamic counselling in schools and how the process involves exploring the feelings of the young person in counselling and how they can best manage and work with those feelings.

That process may lead to the young person finding a way forward that lead on to them developing strategies to manage their feelings. But no counsellor would set out a programme of action for a young person and report to the parents on that programme of action.

That’s not to say, as I had many PP have said many times on this thread, that the young person may not need that sort of guidance alongside counselling. But it’s not the role of a counsellor to provide that guidance. This is why it’s crucial that a counsellor explains the process, so that parents like the OP don’t mistakenly think it’s about the counsellor telling the young person how to stop self-harming.

I think as counselling brings up uncomfortable feelings, where there are no healthy coping stategies it can make things worse especially if the counsellor isn't careful not to re-traumatise their client.

Yes, when DD was self harming, the CMHT felt she was in no fit state for psychotherapy! She had to have DBT and anti depressants first.

Don't think op will be back

Counselling may not have been an appropriate referral anyway if what the OP wanted was support to get her DD off her laptop and out exercising, rather than support to help her work through her difficult feelings.

What a frustrating thread to read.

I feel so sorry for parents in this position and wish that there was a better vehicle for explaining and supporting frantic parents.

I think it has been discussed to its natural conclusion that the school counsellor won’t be diagnosing conditions or giving advice. They will be helping dd unpick her feelings and work on strategies to get help her manage.

This won’t be fixed instantly and changing the wifi password and standing with a pair of hiking boots won’t help.

What might help is talking to her about why her connection to her devices matters. What is it that she gets from it that she isn’t getting elsewhere. Then work on a mutually agreeable strategy - so she can go on until 10pm or 11 but then the Wi-fi must be turned off. Negotiate and communicate.

Go in every morning and ensure she is stirring to stop her turning night into day. Curtains open, open the window and say good morning. Help her stay connected in a gentle and non-challenging way.

Look at it this way - while she is going to the school counsellor she is getting out of bed and going to school. Is she attending classes? Your anxiety and fear is a sign of your love for her but your needs are separate to hers.

Your plan to call school is good. Ask to talk to the pastoral care person and seek some strategies to empower you.

Reading ElleMcFearsome's 21.18 post yesterday, it really is a scandal that suicidal children can only get help if their parents can pay for it. It was in the news yesterday that GPs are telling parents there's no help unless they pay for it. Children will die due to lack of funding.
www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/society/2020/jan/02/four-10-gps-suggest-private-care-mentally-ill-children

How are things now, OP. Did you have any luck with approaching the school, and how are you feeling about everything?