To think the school counsellor should be giving us information re dd15

[W1nt3rb3rr13s]

Dd has been self harming and has been seeing the school counsellor. We weren’t informed sessions had started. We know nothing about why she is doing it or what is being discussed at said sessions and thus how we can help her. She doesn’t talk to us at all.She spends every available time in her room on her lap top. Today it was until 2 when I came back and removed it. She then said the counsellor said she should have as much screen time as she wants as it distracts her. I disagree. I think she needs to get out of her room, off screens, to get some exercise and a hobby. As there is no dialogue I can’t discuss this with said counsellor or ask why she would advise her in such a way or even how we could help her. She’s 15 and still a child and it seems ridiculous. We’ve been to GP who has referred us to CAMHS. We got a crappy postcard through the post and that was it.

Sorry but I think parents should know what is discussed

Maybe your overbearing, intrusive and judgemental attitude is a huge part of the problem.

Overbearing and judgemental.

Oh ok I’ll leave her to it then.

Would you want your DH or dd knowing what you had discussed with a therapist? It's not bonkers it's very basic human rights. You don't need to know everything she discusses in order to support her.

OP....I think you need to gain a greater understanding of the client/counsellor relationship. No the counsellor does not need to provide you with any info, as another PP rightly pointed out, if she is Gillick competent.

As a counsellor we have a contract with our client and it is up to them with whom they share information. We respect confidentiality unless there is an immediate risk of harm to self or others.

Please remember a counsellor will not advise, so your daughter is possibly bending the truth....they may have asked her what screen time does for her i.e. it helps her relax or switch off etc and your daughter, in answering that question, has come to the conclusion she needs to do more of what helps her.

try to work with your daughter instead of against her, showing her you trust and respect her may encourage her to open up more to you

If you were seeing a counsellor or doctor at that age that was going discuss your exact words to your parents would you attend? Be honest?

I'd expect not.

You could end up in a much worse situation, pregnant etc etc

That is why rules exist, children don't suddenly become able to make good decisions age 16. They work up to them and this is one they can make.

Also a school counselor here, albeit abroad now.

The law supports DD's right to talk to her counselor confidentially without your involvement. This is because she needs a non partial support and the freedom to know whatever she says won't be judged or reported back to others. If there is abuse, harming of herself or intent to harm others, the counselor will divulge that to you. This is for your daughter's safety. You've said she needs support right now, I would hope you'd be happy that she's reached out to anybody for help, even if you don't approve of the methods of this counselor.

Whether the counselor suggested screen time or not is debatable. You can call and ask her that, she may tell you (or he, I'm generalizing here). That's something I'd explain to parents myself as it doesn't breach confidentiality. You can also call the counselor and ask how better to support your daughter and how to be on the same page. Parents do that all the time.

If your daughter is self harming though and feels she's finally caught a rope while she's drowning by talking to this counselor, I think your anger is misplaced. Oftentimes parents call to yell at me about the counseling because in reality they're scared and anger is an easier emotion to manage.

I think parents should know what is discussed

When you are a caring parent trying to support your child of course it seems ridiculous that you are kept in the dark. However, if you are a teenager who doesn't want their parents to know they are gay (for example) confidentiality is an absolute must. The teenager's rights as an individual person are a priority.

And that's before we even consider the parents who aren't actually supportive at all.

There is a growing body of evidence suggesting that extended screen time is BAD for kids mental health so I would be wondering why this has been suggested by a professional.

Ask the school for the counsellors qualifications and if s/he is registered with the BABCP. If s/he is a general counsellor the chances are she would be trained CBT but not necessarily DBT and this is the best approach for treating/managing self harming in children. Go back to the GP/CAMHS and ask for DBT for your daughter.

Ultimately the counsellor can advise, but restricting screen time/social media time is being a responsible parent and like others have said encouraging other distractions would be an option.

Also, exercise and getting out isn't scientifically supported anymore for helping with depression. If your DD suffers from anxiety and other disorders it may not help to force her outside and into the 'real' world. Every person and every child is different and their needs need to be met in different ways. It's not a one size fits all approach.

I think the most important thing is that your DD trusts the counsellor and feels able to speak to him/her freely and honestly.

I would be very wary of undermining that trust or making your DD think that the counsellor will not respect her confidence.

You sound quite angry and frustrated OP. Have you been able to access any support for yourself?

As a parent it's completely understandable if you feel a bit hurt or threatened by the fact that your child has chosen to confide in a professional, rather than you. But it's really very normal for a teenager to want to speak to someone outside the family about these issues. Isn't it positive that she's found a trusted adult she feels able to open up to? If your DD disclosed anything to the counselor that suggested she was at risk of significant harm, the counselor would have to share that information so in a way it's reassuring that she hasn't contacted you.

I think the system is shit because we have to support her. We aren’t told how. Talking to a child once a fortnight is not giving support. We are doing that. Clearly we have different views on the best way to support. I have no idea if she’s telling the truth but as it stands it appears the counsellor and her parents are pulling in opposite directions which is the last thing she needs.

Her self harming has got worse, heard nothing from said counsellor. It’s appalling. If we are being left to cope and deal with the self harming we should have the full picture- why she’s doing it and the best way to support. A system that doesn’t facilitate this is shit.

It’s not positive if she’s worse, we don’t know why, the best way to support or actually how to support at all.

She doesn’t suffer from anxiety.

Oh for goodness sake, of course the OP would like some information about what's going on.

I bet she respects her DD's privacy, she sounds like a very concerned parent who wants to help her child.

I cannot imagine how stressful it is to be completely out of the loop, wanting to help your child, who relies on you for everything, but to be completely in the dark.

The OP just wants guidance from the person guiding her DD as to the best way to support her at home.

I think instead of being so harsh, people could have some empathy for a worried parent who is trying to do her best.

My daughter (13) sees the scheme councillor and I've been told unless my daughter is in danger from herself or otherwise we her parents aren't allowed to be told anything unless my daughter says so. We've been lucky as it has helped my daughter a lot and she's in a much better place now than what she was last year

What exactly is it you want to hear from the counsellor though? General tips for supporting children who are self harming would be fine and I suspect that you’d get that if you asked.

But you’re not going to get the full content of the session and nor should you. If you insist on pushing it I think you run the risk of ending up with a self-harming teen who is not confiding in and being supported by anyone.

I was your DD 15 years ago. I'd have been horrified of my counsellor had shared details of our sessions. I told her things I was ashamed of (no need to be but I wasn't being rational), things that happened at school, things about my family and how I felt my dm at the time was making it worse even though she was trying. (In my case bullying led to the self harm but then it became a habit hard to break).

Unless she wants to tell you what's triggering her urge to self harm it is a case of fumbling in the dark a little. Are you close? Are you very reactive when she tells you things or about the self harm? Does she feel she has autonomy in her decisions about her care?

I’d like to know what they are suggesting she does to help herself. Why she’s doing it would be kind of yourself but I get we wouldn’t be privy to something as useful as that. After all we’re the ones that have to support her, live with her and get her though it.

All she wants to do is sit in bed all day on her laptop. Not healthy and not helpful.

It's right that parents aren't entitled to the content of the sessions unless a dangerous issue arises.

I'm sure the counselor would give you help in how to support her. Camhs definitely will if you ask. You can call and ask for suggestions even if she hasn't got a face to face meeting set up or any care set up under them.

I'm sure your DD is being a typical teenager and chancing her luck with the unlimited screen time comment, and there's no way this was advised by the counsellor. That said, it does sound like there's a massive disconnect between you and your daughter OP, and that your current approach and attitude is not helpful. Suddenly taking away her laptop in such a punitive way is unhelpful at this stage I would argue. Yes, in the long run you will want her to decrease screen time, but under the circumstances your priority should be gently supporting her to feel comfortable and confident in her own home. If right now, in the short term, she needs creature comports to get her through this difficult time then that makes her completely normal. Perhaps you could bring her a cup of tea and ask gently if she'd like to do something together (watch a film of her choice, play a game) and respect her answer if she'd rather stay in her own online world for now. In the medium term, once she's feeling a little better you should consider sitting down together and negotiating an agreed compromise and boundaries over screen time to support her wellbeing, and as has been suggested, seek advice about this.

More broadly, in your combative mindset you are positioning yourself as the enemy and the counselling as something to be suspicious of, when in fact this opportunity could be saving her life. This approach of yours will only set you up to distance yourself even further from your daughter and break any trust she has for you. You need to respect the the professional process here - counselling is confidential for good reason - as has been outlined by others. By all means ask the counsellor for guidance on how to support your DD, (and ask at the above charities also) but don't be entitled about it and expect you have a right to steam in and know the ins and outs of her sessions. Respect her as a fellow human being on the cusp of adulthood. She's been through a traumatic time and for whatever reason she hasn't felt able to open up to you. What she needs now is gentle patience, non-judgement and love from her mum.

If you are interested in how her counselling process might work, there's a great book called "counselling for Toads" on Amazon. It's told through the lens of the Wind in the Willows characters but it's for adults, and beautifully explains the therapeutic relationship.

It's distressing as a parent of course but being forceful about the issue will only close her doors tighter. What has she said when she's refused to tell you?

How have you raacted to the self harm? That can be key in making her feel able to talk to you about it.

*reacted

The role of he councillor is completely confidential and thats why you are excluded from any knowledge the only time you will be informed of anything is if they think she is at real risk.