Husband Says I'm selfish and dont understand him
Noideawhattodo101 · 28/12/2019 21:50
Basically my husband is currently not speaking to me as we had a family party at our house today and there were more people than we were expecting (due to family members being free that we weren't expecting to be and coming along) about 12 people plus me and our baby. Its DCs first christmas, so I think people wanted to see DC and bring presents etc.
My husband has social anxiety and so when more people arrived he went upstairs to our bedroom and basically hid.
I went to see where he was and he had a go at me saying there was a house full and he didn't feel comfortable and it was my fault for inviting everyone and that now he had to leave his own house. He left shortly after, without a word, and only got back about half an hour ago. He didn't speak to me but made himself some dinner and sat in the other room. I went to see if he was ok and was met with a barrage of abuse about how unfeeling I was and how dare I be so selfish (he used some choice words which I wont repeat) and told me to get out of his sight.
We are due to go to his family tomorrow and I dont really want to go and pretend like everything is ok when it clearly isn't and have him not speak to me all day but his mum will be disappointed to not see DC and I doubt he will take DC alone.
Was I being selfish? How do I make amends? Do we go tomorrow and make the best of it? I'm worried that our DCs first christmas is going to be tainted now.
Thanks for reading if you got this far and for any help or advice.
Am I being unreasonable?AIBU
You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
MerryChristmasUfilthyanimal · 28/12/2019 21:57
So would he be selfish for banning you from using your home?
You didn't force him into the party. He was free to leave and do his own thing.
What is he doing to stop his issues from negatively affecting you and your child's life?
Have you discussed what will happen during your child's birthday parties?
ProfessionalBoss · 28/12/2019 22:00
If he had that reaction in your own home then how will he cope if more people than he's expecting turn up at your in-laws? For that reason I would tell him tonight that “neither you nor your baby will be going! He has been incredibly selfish, and you are not going through that again!“
Noideawhattodo101 · 28/12/2019 22:02
I tried to say it was my house as well and it didn't go down well... apparently I just dont care about his feelings and I'm twisting it round so I'm the victim. I wasnt meaning to I was just trying to defend my corner.
I've tried to get him to see someone about his social anxiety but he says he manages it himself by not going places he knows will make it bad and not sipping himself in that situation. To me that's hiding from it rather than addressing it but apparently I just dont understand.
I imagine the parties will be mine to sort and attend and he will stay away. I hadn't really thought about it to be honest.
Do i apologise for putting him in that situation?
TooManyPaws · 28/12/2019 22:05
Fair enough that he felt he couldn't mix because of social anxiety but I can't see any reason why he had to leave the house rather than stay in the bedroom. Moreover, there was absolutely NO need for him to be thoroughly abusive towards you. Is everything always all about him and he's feeling ignored because of the baby so he has to have a tantrum to get attention? Twelve people aren't many; how did he cope at your wedding?
DON'T make amends. He should be grovelling about his behaviour towards you and his verbal abuse. Tell him that you are not prepared to take abuse and that he needs to go and get some sort of treatment/counselling to deal with his social anxiety so this doesn't happen again. Frankly, he sounds as though he's trying to make you defer to him at all times and acts up to ensure that you are unsettled. It's not your fault. Google gaslighting as he's trying to convince you that it's your fault when it's nothing of the sort. How many are likely to be at your inlaws and is he likely to kick off there?
Insideimsprinting · 28/12/2019 22:12
I only voted yabu as if you know he has social anxiety then you have to compromise on social situations just as much as him and may be this time you just pushed it a bit to far. Compromise is a fine line. If he needs to try you also need to consider compromise to and meet in the middle.
AloneLonelyLoner · 28/12/2019 22:12
He needs to grow the fuck up and start being an adult like the rest of us.
Jesus wept. Managing his social anxiety? Obviously not.
I'd let him apologise to you. Be a decent man and ask kindly for you to go tomorrow. If he doesn't, tell him you have social anxiety too and need to sit alone in a darkened room and leave him to deal with everything. Sorry. He's a knob.
MerryChristmasUfilthyanimal · 28/12/2019 22:21
OP doesn't have to compromise.
He had choices. He can remove himself. She doesn't have to shield herself away. She's fine.
He has zero right to speak to her this way. If he can't rationally discuss his problems with her in a calm and respectful way then the sole responsibility of his problems rests on his shoulders.
Wearywithteens · 28/12/2019 22:22
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