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Husband Says I'm selfish and dont understand him

204 replies

Noideawhattodo101 · 28/12/2019 21:50

Basically my husband is currently not speaking to me as we had a family party at our house today and there were more people than we were expecting (due to family members being free that we weren't expecting to be and coming along) about 12 people plus me and our baby. Its DCs first christmas, so I think people wanted to see DC and bring presents etc.
My husband has social anxiety and so when more people arrived he went upstairs to our bedroom and basically hid.

I went to see where he was and he had a go at me saying there was a house full and he didn't feel comfortable and it was my fault for inviting everyone and that now he had to leave his own house. He left shortly after, without a word, and only got back about half an hour ago. He didn't speak to me but made himself some dinner and sat in the other room. I went to see if he was ok and was met with a barrage of abuse about how unfeeling I was and how dare I be so selfish (he used some choice words which I wont repeat) and told me to get out of his sight.

We are due to go to his family tomorrow and I dont really want to go and pretend like everything is ok when it clearly isn't and have him not speak to me all day but his mum will be disappointed to not see DC and I doubt he will take DC alone.

Was I being selfish? How do I make amends? Do we go tomorrow and make the best of it? I'm worried that our DCs first christmas is going to be tainted now.

Thanks for reading if you got this far and for any help or advice.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Decidewhattobeandgobeit · 28/12/2019 21:54

He sounds horrible


MerryChristmasUfilthyanimal · 28/12/2019 21:57

So would he be selfish for banning you from using your home?
You didn't force him into the party. He was free to leave and do his own thing.
What is he doing to stop his issues from negatively affecting you and your child's life?
Have you discussed what will happen during your child's birthday parties?


ProfessionalBoss · 28/12/2019 22:00

If he had that reaction in your own home then how will he cope if more people than he's expecting turn up at your in-laws? For that reason I would tell him tonight that “neither you nor your baby will be going! He has been incredibly selfish, and you are not going through that again!“


Noideawhattodo101 · 28/12/2019 22:02

I tried to say it was my house as well and it didn't go down well... apparently I just dont care about his feelings and I'm twisting it round so I'm the victim. I wasnt meaning to I was just trying to defend my corner.

I've tried to get him to see someone about his social anxiety but he says he manages it himself by not going places he knows will make it bad and not sipping himself in that situation. To me that's hiding from it rather than addressing it but apparently I just dont understand.
I imagine the parties will be mine to sort and attend and he will stay away. I hadn't really thought about it to be honest.
Do i apologise for putting him in that situation?

OP posts:

MerryChristmasUfilthyanimal · 28/12/2019 22:04

So he's got a get out of parenting card that he will continue to throw at you for the next 18 years.

How he's spoken and treated you. How would you feel if he was doing this to your child?


MerryChristmasUfilthyanimal · 28/12/2019 22:04

School. It involves going. With other people. Parents, teachers, other children. What's he going to do there?
Or is that something else that you'll have to deal with?


TooManyPaws · 28/12/2019 22:05

Fair enough that he felt he couldn't mix because of social anxiety but I can't see any reason why he had to leave the house rather than stay in the bedroom. Moreover, there was absolutely NO need for him to be thoroughly abusive towards you. Is everything always all about him and he's feeling ignored because of the baby so he has to have a tantrum to get attention? Twelve people aren't many; how did he cope at your wedding?

DON'T make amends. He should be grovelling about his behaviour towards you and his verbal abuse. Tell him that you are not prepared to take abuse and that he needs to go and get some sort of treatment/counselling to deal with his social anxiety so this doesn't happen again. Frankly, he sounds as though he's trying to make you defer to him at all times and acts up to ensure that you are unsettled. It's not your fault. Google gaslighting as he's trying to convince you that it's your fault when it's nothing of the sort. How many are likely to be at your inlaws and is he likely to kick off there?


7yo7yo · 28/12/2019 22:05

Don’t apologise to him.
Don’t go tomorrow either.
Tell him to take the kids if he wants.
He needs to learn to manage his social anxiety and learn to speak to
You with respect.


Noideawhattodo101 · 28/12/2019 22:06

I suppose, as it's not at our house, we can leave if it gets too much at the in-laws so it's less of a problem.

I feel guilty that he got so worked up but also annoyed that he has been so angry and indignant.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 28/12/2019 22:07

So he is fine to see his family but can’t cope with yours?
What about when your child is older and wants friends round or a birthday party?


WhenISnappedAndFarted · 28/12/2019 22:07

I suffer from social anxiety but would never ever speak to a partner or even anyone else like that.

He needs to get help and try and get control of his anxiety.


LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 28/12/2019 22:07

He's got social anxiety though. You know this. Try to see it from his perspective. It's his house too.


ElizabethMountbatten · 28/12/2019 22:08

He told you to get out of his sight?

I'd be telling him to get out of my house if he spoke to me like that for the terrible crime of having family visit!


Lifeisabeach09 · 28/12/2019 22:08

Has he always been like this? Seems like he is using his social anxiety to get his own way and as a form of control.
Seems like there are other issues also if he won't take the DC to his mum's without you.


LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 28/12/2019 22:08

He needs help expressing his feelings though


Noideawhattodo101 · 28/12/2019 22:11

Does anyone else have a partner with social anxiety? How can I make sure that we still get to be involved in things without setting him off?

OP posts:

Insideimsprinting · 28/12/2019 22:12

I only voted yabu as if you know he has social anxiety then you have to compromise on social situations just as much as him and may be this time you just pushed it a bit to far. Compromise is a fine line. If he needs to try you also need to consider compromise to and meet in the middle.


AloneLonelyLoner · 28/12/2019 22:12

He needs to grow the fuck up and start being an adult like the rest of us.

Jesus wept. Managing his social anxiety? Obviously not.

I'd let him apologise to you. Be a decent man and ask kindly for you to go tomorrow. If he doesn't, tell him you have social anxiety too and need to sit alone in a darkened room and leave him to deal with everything. Sorry. He's a knob.


Wolfiefan · 28/12/2019 22:12

It’s not up to you to manage him. He needs to sort this out himself.
Unless he’s just using it to isolate you from people he doesn’t want you around. Hope he isn’t.


Noideawhattodo101 · 28/12/2019 22:14

Sorry not sure how to reply individually- he cant take DC to PIL as I breast feed and they live an hour away. Bottle feeding is in contention at the moment. I'm trying but not getting very far as DC refuses and screams.

OP posts:

Nubbled · 28/12/2019 22:16

Is he just uncomfortable about your family?

Sounds like a twat, sorry


MrsMillerbecameababy · 28/12/2019 22:17

This sounds manipulative tbh, as though he's using his mental health issues as a stick to beat you with.

Why didn't he stay in the bedroom?


Noideawhattodo101 · 28/12/2019 22:20

@nubbled he finds them a bit much I think. But he doesn't socialise in any big groups.

OP posts:

MerryChristmasUfilthyanimal · 28/12/2019 22:21

OP doesn't have to compromise.
He had choices. He can remove himself. She doesn't have to shield herself away. She's fine.

He has zero right to speak to her this way. If he can't rationally discuss his problems with her in a calm and respectful way then the sole responsibility of his problems rests on his shoulders.


Wearywithteens · 28/12/2019 22:22

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