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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband Says I'm selfish and dont understand him

206 replies

Noideawhattodo101 · 28/12/2019 21:50

Basically my husband is currently not speaking to me as we had a family party at our house today and there were more people than we were expecting (due to family members being free that we weren't expecting to be and coming along) about 12 people plus me and our baby. Its DCs first christmas, so I think people wanted to see DC and bring presents etc.
My husband has social anxiety and so when more people arrived he went upstairs to our bedroom and basically hid.

I went to see where he was and he had a go at me saying there was a house full and he didn't feel comfortable and it was my fault for inviting everyone and that now he had to leave his own house. He left shortly after, without a word, and only got back about half an hour ago. He didn't speak to me but made himself some dinner and sat in the other room. I went to see if he was ok and was met with a barrage of abuse about how unfeeling I was and how dare I be so selfish (he used some choice words which I wont repeat) and told me to get out of his sight.

We are due to go to his family tomorrow and I dont really want to go and pretend like everything is ok when it clearly isn't and have him not speak to me all day but his mum will be disappointed to not see DC and I doubt he will take DC alone.

Was I being selfish? How do I make amends? Do we go tomorrow and make the best of it? I'm worried that our DCs first christmas is going to be tainted now.

Thanks for reading if you got this far and for any help or advice.

OP posts:
selmabear · 28/12/2019 22:23

The way he treated you OP is out of order. My DP has bad social anxiety and he gets really uncomfortable when people pop over, especially new people. He'll say his hello 's and if ge gets overwhelmed he will then he will go upstairs. My family understands why and no one seems to mind.
Your DH made an issue out of his anxiety, he blamed you for his anxiety and then proceeded to punish you for it. Such a cruel thing to do. Have an honest and open conversation about what's happened and how to proceed.

BillHadersNewWife · 28/12/2019 22:23

I have social anxiety and would never do that. My DH is sociable and I've always managed my anxiety by taking short breaks. He helps me by keeping things short and sweet. If he wants to visit our friends and I don't, I'm happy for him to go without me.

GuyFawkesDay · 28/12/2019 22:25

He's manipulating you.

Tomorrow with his family will be be just fine in a group? Or is it just when it's not at his behest that he feels like this.

I'd refuse to go tomorrow if I was you. He's been rude and brattish.

CakeandCustard28 · 28/12/2019 22:25

I have social anxiety and wouldn’t do that. I’d take myself to my room with a book for a bit to calm my nerves but I wouldn’t give my DH abuse for it. YANBU Op.

Original poster
Noideawhattodo101 · 28/12/2019 22:26

@TooManyPaws at our wedding he got very drunk and put on a brave face as he knew how important it was to me. I'd rather he didn't get completely intoxicated at every family gathering though, eyebrows might be raised!

OP posts:
Squidgoals · 28/12/2019 22:27

I've got social anxiety and I'm not recognising 'verbally abusive immature and irrational' as symptoms

NearlyGranny · 28/12/2019 22:29

Take DC to PiL without him, I reckon. Don't tell him, just up and go and let him stew. If he doesn't address his issue it will narrow your life and DC's. I expect PiL will understand he's holed up.

CBT is good for social anxiety. Now he's a DF it's a good time to tackle it and not just 'manage' it by living in the corners it leaves him.

You and DC cannot be living in the meagre spaces his MH issue leaves for you.

Original poster
Noideawhattodo101 · 28/12/2019 22:29

Thank you all so much for your responses. I was worried that I overstepped the mark and was being selfish. I just wish I knew how to fix it. I dont want the next few days to be completely ruined!

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 28/12/2019 22:30

How does the anxiety manifest itself?

All social situations? Just when it’s your family? When it’s stuff he doesn’t want to do? Does he work? What does he do?

Who has he seen for help? Is he on meds?

MyPatronusIsABadger · 28/12/2019 22:31

I have social anxiety - it’s shit. It makes me have palpitations and want to scratch my own skin off to escape a situation. I feel like I can’t breathe, I’m terrified to move and terrified to stay.

HOWEVER
I’m an adult. I plan things, if it was me I’d psyche myself up to it and prepare. I’d do jobs in the kitchen or out of the way. I’d busy myself getting drinks or food away from people. If I had a baby I’d take the baby into the quiet if that was what was needed.

Your DH is being a dick. He was prepared for some people, could he not have helped in the ways I suggested? I’m sure he could have “had a job to do” and stand outside or go up to your room if he’d done the other things I suggested.

That’s exactly what I’ve done before, surely he knows how to look after himself. School, weddings, birthdays, play parks would all be busy places and he obviously had to deal with those as a child and will do with you. I think he was selfish

Maddison12 · 28/12/2019 22:32

Do i apologise for putting him in that situation? Erm no Hmm clearly this party was a planned event. If he knew he wasn't going to feel comfortable with it, he should have discussed it with you beforehand. Instead for some reason he's trying to make you feel bad after the event, he is definitely being unreasonable.

BerylReader · 28/12/2019 22:32

I struggle with groups and it takes a while to prepare myself for big gatherings and generally as I’ve got older I tend to avoid them. Yes, I tried for years and they didn’t really get easier. More people turning up would really throw me and send my anxiety levels up. People who are ok with this find it really hard to understand this. Was this a one off or have lots of people suddenly turned up before? Having a child puts you into all these new situations where people will talk to you or expect you to talk to them. I fucking hate the school run and I obsess about it and seeing the other parents there. And it would be a reaction to leap to the extreme of leaving the house or hiding in a room. Does he cope better with 2-3 people?

BoomBoomsCousin · 28/12/2019 22:33

His social anxiety should not be a negative to your life. He obviously isn't "managing" his condition well if it's impacting in the lives of those he loves and stopping him form doing normal things.

It is a shame your plans went a bit wrong. I can see how a surprise big crown might make him a bit more likely to lash out. But it wasn't (as far as I can tell) deliberate and you tried checking on him not just pushing him into the frenzy and seeing if he was eaten alive.

His actions, while fueled by fear he can't fully control, are nevertheless selfish and will be a burden for your child as well as you if he doesn't get treatment. Not sure what you can do about it other than leave him, though (and that seems a bit OTT unless this has been going on for years) - only he can decide he needs to overcome this.

rhubarbarkle · 28/12/2019 22:34

12 unexpected guests is way too much. or how many were expected?

Shoxfordian · 28/12/2019 22:34

Don't go with him tomorrow and let him explain why
He's a knob
I would be really angry if my husband acted like this

Cherrysoup · 28/12/2019 22:35

He needs help-therapy? This is a difficult situation but if you want to live a normal life with normal social interaction (god, he’d die at the 40 people packed into my aunt’s house on Christmas morning!), then he needs to accept support and help for his anxiety. It’s not fair on you, your dc or him! How will he cope with dc’s future birthday parties etc?

rhubarbarkle · 28/12/2019 22:35

Going into a situation with 12 people is different than 12 coming in unexpectedly into your space. I don't have social anxiety by the way but I get his point of view.

Blanketed · 28/12/2019 22:35

That's really controlling of him OP. He will end up driving your family away as they will feel unwelcome. Been through it myself.

rhubarbarkle · 28/12/2019 22:37

That's really controlling of him OP. No it 's really not.

Mumdiva99 · 28/12/2019 22:37

My OH has social anxiety and I can see similar issues to those you face. However we have mostly found a way through it....slowly.....he also has germ phobia and it can be a big challenge.

He would have freaked if the situation had changed beyond that we'd agreed. Because it genuinely would have increased his anxiety to an unmanageable level. We entertained boxing day and had two unexpected guests that changed the dynamic completely and started taking drinks upstairs etc and he got really upset. I had to intervene to calm him down. Should he use medication to manage his anxiety......maybe.....will he.....no.

He doesn't do any of the school stuff. He just about copes with kids having friends around. I mostly meet friends out the house or we sit in another room. When it's important to me he works hard to make it happen. I try not to push him too far too often. You find a way to cope. But true anxiety is not him being deliberately difficult or awkward.....

Creepster · 28/12/2019 22:38

Social anxiety is being used as an excuse for your husbands abusive behavior.
You are married to an abusive man. Many people have social anxiety without verbally and emotionally abusing their partner.
The tactic he is using on you is called DARVO in the abuse recovery community.
Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
He behaved badly and is punishing you for it.

Merryoldgoat · 28/12/2019 22:38

Why isn’t it controlling rhubarb?

Original poster
Noideawhattodo101 · 28/12/2019 22:39

@BerylReader yes he is fine with 2-3 people most of the time but he doesn't exactly embrace it. It was a one off as normally I avoid having things at our house so he doesn't have to deal with people and can choose not to go.

Do you think he might have felt trapped and that is why he lashed out? How can I understand his viewpoint more?

How do I apologise for what happened without excusing his behaviour towards me after?

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 28/12/2019 22:39

This sounds more like attention-seeker syndrome than anything else. And before everyone starts wailing and stamping their feet, I am perfectly aware that social anxiety is a real and troubling condition. I just see a lot of self-obsessed people with self-diagnosed 'mental health issues' who actually need a good kick in the pants - there isn't anything wrong with them except a desire for attention and to get their own way all the time. Your H is clearly one of these. If he really had a problem, he would be seeking help rather than expecting you to run around indulging him.

Mrsmadevans · 28/12/2019 22:39

He sounds horrible. I am more inclined to think the 'social anxiety' is a useful tool to keep you under his control OP.

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